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VARIOUS HORROR FILM REVIEWS 9!


Carasour 3 "Primal Species" (1995)- (Feat. Scott Valentine, Janet Gunn, Morgan Englund, Rick Dean)
While there are many reviews on the web which declare Carnosaur 3 to be the best film in the Carnosaur trilogy, Uncle Jack would have to disrespectfully disagree!!! Carnosaur 3 sucks major dino-size dick!!!! While all the Carnosaur movies are bad, Carnosaur 3 is basically just a rehash of the first two films and due to its seemingly higher budget and increased dino-screen time, it has less excuses for sucking!!!! The entire film takes place in an abandoned warehouse on a dock where a group of terrorists have taken a semi-truck which they stole and believe is full of uranium!! Needless to say the truck is actually a traveling cryo-chamber for Carnosaurs and once the terrorists open the back they are all slaughtered! Soon police arrive on the scene, find a severed arm and some blood and then they all die!!! In come US Special Forces and a lame scientist chick to capture the animals alive... duh... isn't that what they tried to do in Carnosaur 1 and 2 and it worked so well??! The Special Forces unit is full of sucky actors who blow and they come up with dumb ideas on how to capture the Carnosaurs (a handful of velociraptors and a T-Rex as usual)!! There are about one million movies in the world where people battle aliens, monsters, etc. in an abandoned warehouse and Carnosaur 3 is not one of the better ones!!!! If you want to see a shitty Jurassic Park rip-off stick with Carnosaur 1 or 2 (Uncle Jack's favorite because the Carnosaurs live in an old mine where they eat what?!!! Radically dumb!!!!!)
Directed by Jonathan Winfrey
*


The Meateater (1979)- (Feat. Arch Joboulian, Dianne Davis, Joe Marmo, Peter Spitzer, Emily Spindler, Gary Dean)
The Meateater is has a fairly low body count and only a couple scenes of cool gore, the characters in the film are totally awesome however!!!! The Meateater is about a traveling shoe salesman named Mitford Webster who has had it with the shoe business and always being away from home!!!! Mitford discovers an old movie theater for sale in a small town and decides it would be the perfect business to run with his family!!!!! Mitford buys the theater and begins the process of restoring it so he can show proper "family" films- which it turns out are all films of wild animals eating each other!! Mitford is one of the coolest characters ever to bless the silver screen! He talks in an annoying high-pitched voice, always calls his theater a "thee-ATE-e"r and is pretty much the raddest dork to ever bless the face of the Earth!!!
As the Websters go about tidying up their "thee-ATE-er" little do they know that an ugly and burned old man who eats rats is hidden inside! At night the old man comes out to watch old Jean Harlow films!! At the showing of the "thee-Ate-er"'s first film the boy who runs the projector is electrocuted when the old man tampers with some wiring and then an old and skeletal corpse is found hanging in a room behind the movie screen!!!! Enter Lieutenant Wombat, the coolest and fatest cop in town who loves to eat beef jerky!!! During the film Wombat has many amazing and dumb conversations with the Websters while hanging out at their house and staring at their daughter who is always wearing short shorts and is supposed to look like Jean Harlow!!!! The Websters also have a son who has long, blonde hair and is mistaken for a girl at least once in the film!!!!
Needless to say, due to the daughter's alleged similarities to Jean Harlow, the rat-eating old man ends up abducting her and confessing his love for her!! While barley a horror movie, The Meateater does boast lots of gross close-ups of people eating meat, lots of footage of animals eating each other, the Websters singing the Oscar Meyer wiener song, a plug for Jimmy Dean sausage, and amazing cast of characters who suck so much that they rock!!!! The crazy, old man in the film only eats a rat in the very beginning and the viewer never sees him eat anything else so don't go expecting a cannibal movie!!! If you are expecting a horror film and are not a fan of good-bad movies, stay away from The Meateater! Uncle Jack discovered many people on the web who like him consider this film a cult classic! Fans of weird, bad-good films check The Meateater out!!!!!!
Directed by Derek Savage
***


Spellbinder (1988)- (Feat. Timothy Daly, Kelly Preston, Rick Rossovich)
Spellbinder is a very 80s horror film which managed to hold Uncle Jack's interest from start to finish! While not amazing- Spellbinder does a good enough job of making one wonder what is going on and what is going to happen next that most 80s horror film fans should enjoy it! The movie tells the tale of lawyer Jeff Mills (Timothy Daly) who saves an attractive young woman named Miranda (Kelly Preston) from being beaten by a shady looking dude in the parking lot of his gym!!! Mills takes Miranda to his house because she says she has nowhere to go! After arriving at his home, Mills soon finds himself receiving some kind of weird, magical massage from Miranda and then he quickly falls asleep!! Instantly enamoured with Miranda, Mills invites her to stay with him for awhile unaware of the evil which follows her!!! Soon Mills finds himself assaulted by crazy people with dark powers on a regular basis!!!!! Perhaps most disturbing of all is the fact that the terrifying things Mills thinks are happening to him almost always turn out to be some form of hallucination! The people after Mills say that they want Miranda back and are from a black magic cult that holds a human sacrifice every winter solstice- and the day is drawing near!!!! Mills struggles to keep the cult members from abducting Miranda and from killing him! In the end Mills discovers that the power and influence of the cult is far greater than he would ever have imagined!!!!!
Spellbinder contains some sort of surprising twists and the great Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa makes a small appearance as a police detective who is a specialist in the occult!!!! Tagawa is the only one who has any idea as to what is happening to Mills! Spellbinder has little gore but it is fairly suspenseful and well acted!!!! Uncle Jack recommended!!!!!!
Directed by Janet Greek
***


Eyes of Laura Mars (1978)- (Feat. Faye Dunaway, Tommy Lee Jones, Brad Dourif, Rene Aberjonois, Raul Julia)
The Eyes of Laura Mars has a decent cast of actors including a young Tommy Lee Jones and Raul Julia! Despite its decent cast, script, cinematography, and plot with contains a little potential, The Eyes of Laura Mars fails to be of any interest!!! There is too much focus on making a thoughtful, suspense film and not enough on making it actually suspenseful or entertaining!! The movie is about a controversial photographer named Laura Mars (Faye Dunaway) who stages scenes of scantily clad women as perpetrators of or victims of violence!!!! People either love or hate Mars' work, and someone begins killing her models by stabbing them in the eyes! Mars has a psychic conection to the killer and can see through their eyes right before and as the murder happens (if the stupid-fucking, psychic connection to a murderer story never happens again the world will be a much better place)!!!!! The only characters of interest in The Eyes of Laura Mars are that of her drunk, ex-husband played by Raul Julia and her ex-con driver played by Brad Dourif!!!! A number of people think this movie is great because of all the late 70s fashion which is in it, Uncle Jack doesn't give a shit about that and says its boring! If you want to see late 70s fashion- get a book or old magazine!!!!! Poopy!!!
Directed by Irvin Kershner
**


Scannercop (1993)- (Feat. Daniel Quinn, Darlanne Fluegel, Richard Lynch, Richard Grove, Mark Rolston, Hilary Shepard, Brion James)
Scannercop is a fine example of a good-bad movie!!! The film which is based on the famous Scanner series, is about a scanner kid who is adopted by a cop (Richard Grove) and his wife after his father is killed because he was freaking from not taking his anti-scanning pills!! When the kid grows up he becomes a cop who is played by the weird looking Daniel Quinn! Quinn is a good scanner and always keeps his powers in check by taking his pills for fear of ending up like his father!!!! When ordinary people begin murdering cops for no apparent reason and the cops can't figure out why, Quinn's adoptive father who is now in charge of the police force- is compelled to ask his son to stop taking his pills so he can reach into people's minds and figure out what is making them kill! Quinn is reluctant at first but when his own partner is shot by a janitor at the police station he decides that it is his duty to use his powers to help with the case!!!!
Quinn quickly discovers that the people who are committing the killings have been brainwashed and believe that they are attacking a frightening hallucination rather than a cop! Quinn discovers that the police uniform triggers these hallucinations!!!! While reading the mind of a doctor who attacked a cop with a scalpel, Quinn meets Dr. Joan Alden (B movie regular Darlanne Fluegel) who for no good reason tags along with Quinn for much of the rest of the movie acting like his mom and constantly telling him that he really needs to start taking his pills again so he doesn't go insane!! Fluegel has the most hideous hair in Scannercop that looks like some kind of fluffy road kill tied to the top of her head!!! Her hairdo was surely meant to be attractive in someway but is pretty much the ugliest hairdo ever!!! Whoever was in charge of hair styling for the movie should have been fired!!!!
Enough about hair??!!! It turns out an evil neurosurgeon named Sigmund Glock (Richard Lynch YEAH!!!) is behind the killings because a cop shot him in the head some years ago and then he ended up in a mental hospital!!!! After killing a doctor with a pen to the ear canal, Glock escaped and found an old palm reading friend named Zena who is played by the strange and drag queen looking Hilary Shepard! Glock sets up a lab beneath Zena's palm reading shop which he uses for his brainwashing/cop killing experiments!!!!!!
After Quinn discovers that the police uniform is the trigger for people killing cops, the police stop wearing uniforms! All this maneuver does is make Glock laugh however and he changes the trigger each time Quinn figures out what it is!!! Eventually Quinn tracks Glock down through Zena's shop and then final battle of minds begins!!!!!!
The acting in Scannercop is pretty good for a B grade action/horror flick, largely due to decent direction and a large quantity of high-grade B movie actors!!! The notorious Brion James is unfortunately in Scannercop for only about one minute his role is just that of an uninteresting doctor!
The movie's high points all revolve around ridiculous things which Quinn can do with his scanning powers such as- find secret doorways, make people give Fluegel the desert that she wants, follow dead people to Hell, and most importantly... control a computer sketch artist program???!!!! There are some nice scenes of latex based gore when little heads grown out of Quinn's dad's forehead, a slimy zombie hallucination shows up, and Quinn journeys to Hell! Scannercop is a high-caliber B movie which everyone will enjoy unless they are dumb with worms in their butt!!!!!!!
Produced and Directed by Pierre David
***
Scanner Cop- Intro Video Clip of Crazy Scanner Vs. Cops!!!!!


Laser Moon (1992)- (Feat. Harrison Le Duke, Crystal Shaw, Bruce Carter, Traci Lords)
There is no doubt that Laser Moon can battle it out with the finest for a place on the chart of worst movies ever! Traci Lords is in the movie for little more than five minutes, so she is far from the star!!!!! Lords plays a cop who wears very unattractive 80s looking outfits with giant shoulder pads or fluffy arms! Lords isn't even the main cop in the film, just an assistant detective!!!! Lords has been in a million porno and non-porno movies so she is probably a slightly better actress these days, but in 1992 she sucked (not dicks anymore, she stopped making pornos in the late 80s)!! The film stars Harrison Le Duke who plays the world's most annoying and stupid all night DJ named Zane Wolf!
A killer is on the lose and he strikes every full moon, killing his victims with a surgical laser to the head!!!! The killer calls into Wolf's radio show and says dumb crap!! Some people that Wolf knows start to die and he spends all his working hours discussing murder with people who call up his shitty show! Wolf is supposed to be thoughtful and cool but he really just makes you want to smash his face in with a hammer every time he opens his mouth!!!! To make a dumb story shorter-
IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO WATCH THIS SHOW HERE IS THE VERY END SO DON'T READ ANYMORE IF YOU WANT THERE TO BE "SUSPENSE" (P.S. THERE ISN'T ANY IN THIS TOILET OF AN ABORTION)!!!!!
It turns out Wolf has been calling himself with pre-recorded messages! Yes, he is the killer!!! Why? This movie is too fucking dumb, the reason is never clear!!!! And why did the detectives think they saw Wolf sitting at his desk when the murders occurred???!!!! Because he has a fucking hologram projector you idiot?!! Where did he get that and does such a thing really exist?????!!!! Who knows where he got it, and no I don't think a completely life-like, motion including-hologram projector really exists!!!!! PS, you never find out where and how he got his surgical laser either!!!!! Wolf is shot by Lords right before he can kill his ex-wife!!!! That is right... don't ask why he wanted to do that either!!!!! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE!!!!! Certainly up there in the top 50 worst movies ever!!!!!!!!
Directed by Douglas (jizz for brains and please put my dick in a light socket) K. Grimm
-75*


Ghoulies 4 (1994)- (Feat. Peter Liapis, Barbara Alyn Woods, Stacie Randall, Raquel Krelle, Bobby Di Cicco)
Shoot yourself in your brain before you watch this worthless, piece of fucking shit!!!! Sticking your balls in a killer beehive would be more enjoyable than viewing two minutes of Ghoulies 4!!! Clearly made for ten year-old boys so they can get a boner from looking at semi-attractive chicks who never take off their clothes, there is absolutely no reason for this botched circumcision to have an R rating!! There is no nudity, no F words, and no gore!!!!! So what does Ghoulies 4 have- it has two midgets in lame-ass, monster costumes who talk and act like retards, a retarded plot, humor that only a five year-old could find funny, and an assortment of non-midget, shitty actors!!!!! Peter Liapis who was the bad dude in the first Ghoulies is the star of this film! What does this mean??!!! Apparently it means that it is totally cool to reuse an ass-load of footage from the first Ghoulies! The recycled footage is the only connection to the rest of the films in the Ghoulies series! The Ghoulies from the first thee films are not in Ghoulies 4 except in the flashbacks to Ghoulies 1!
The story is a dumb piece of aids shit and is not worth wasting time telling!
Are you mentally dumb?!!! Do you easily get a boner from women in fake, black leather?! Do you want to spend 84 minutes of your life watching something so worthless that you will want to stick razor wire in your butt??! Well... if that is so- Ghoulies 4 will be your favorite movie ever!!!!!!!!
Directed by Jim Wynorski
-52*
Ghoulies 4- Video Clip of The Arrival of the Shitty Ghoulies and a Lame Assassin/Satanist Chick in Black Leather!!!!


Shallow Grave (1987)- (Feat. Tony March, Lisa Stahl, Tom Law, Carol Cadby, Donna Baltron, Just Kelly)
Shallow Grave is an unexceptional movie about four college girls on a road trip to the beaches of Fort Lauderdale for a wild spring break! When passing through Medley, Georgia they stop in the woods so one of the girls can go pee!!! While in the woods the girl sees the local sheriff accidentally kill his secret lover!! The girl makes some noise, the sheriff knows he has been seen and he begins a quest to get rid of all the girls!!!! There is nothing special about this film, one could do better, one could do worse! Tony March is the only actor who does a notably good job- as the evil sheriff!!
Directed by Richard Styles
**


Death Stalk (1974)- (Feat. Vince Edwards, Carol Lynley, Robert Webber, Vic Morrow, Norman Fell, Neville Brand, Ajanette Comer)
Death Stalk is a made for TV movie from the 1970s with a story which has been used in at least a few other films! Two couples embark upon a fairly difficult white water rafting trip!!! During their first night of camping the group is accosted by four escaped convicts who are lead by a cool killer played by Vic Morrow!! The women are taken along as hostages and rafting instructors as the convicts head down river leaving the men tied up at their campground!!!! The men free themselves and take the raft they were using for their beer to follow the villains and their wives!!! Will they catch them?! Who will live??!!!! Death Stalk is low on gore being made for 70s TV but it is fairly suspenseful and all the actors are good and their characters are interesting!!! An Uncle Jack favorite- Neville Brand (of Eaten Alive fame!!!) once again plays a despicable and sex crazed old man!!!!! Death Stalk is only 73 minutes long since it was made to fill a 90 minute TV spot which required 17 minutes of commercials (if only they played that few commercials still!!!)!!!! A quick and fairly enteratining movie!!
Directed by Robert Day
***


Let's Scare Jessica to Death (1971)- (Feat. Zohra Lampert, Barton Heyman, Kevin O'Connor, Gretchen Corbett, Alan Manson, Mariclare Costello)
Let's Scare Jessica to Death is a good, artistic and weird horror film! The movie is about a woman (Zohra Lampert) who has just returned from the hospital after suffering from a mental breakdown!!! The Lampert's husband and a friend drop everything to move with her to an old house on an island where they hope she will stabilize while they figure out what to do next in life!! The island has a small town on it that seems to contain only a handful of very unfriendly old men!!!! Before arriving at the house the trio stops at a graveyard so Lampert can take rubbings from old tombstones and the car they drive is a hearse!!!
When they arrive at the house they discover that a young, red haired woman has been squatting there and they invite her to stay with them! As soon as they arrive at the house Lampert begins hearing voices just like she did before she had to go to the hospital and she struggles to keep it a secret!! As time goes on and the group goes about restoring the house and the farm which it is on, Lampert becomes more and more convinced that something is not quite right with the woman that is staying with them! Lampert also fears the old men in town and notices that they all have the same scar on their necks! As the film progresses the viewer wonders whether Lampert is losing her mind or if the frightening story which she begins to unravel is really true!!!!
Let's Scare Jessica to Death is well acted, artistically filmed and genuinely weird and creepy!! Fans of unusual horror films and the bizarre will enjoy this movie!!!
Directed by John Hancock
****


Angel Heart (1987)- (Feat. Mickey Rourke, Robert De Niro, Lisa Bonet, Charlotte Rampling)
Angel Heart is a good, supernatural thriller which stars Mickey Rourke as Harry Angel, a private investigator in 1950s Brooklyn!! Angel is hired to find a man named Johnny Favourite by a man named Louis Cypher (think about it!!!) who is played by Robert De Niro!!! Cypher is a strange man with very long finger nails and he makes it sound like finding Favourite might be a bit of a chore so Angel turns him down until he finds out how much money Cypher will pay him!! As Angel goes about his task, he meets an assortment of weird characters who keep ending up very bloody and very dead!!!!! Eventually Angel meets the daughter of Favourite who is named Epiphany Proudfoot and is played by Lisa Bonet!!! Angel follows her to a voodoo ceremony where she kills a chicken and dances around!!!! Eventually Angel hooks up with Proudfoot even though she is only 16 and they have sex while Angel hallucinates blood raining all over them!!!!! The back of the VHS claims that in the unedited version of Angel Heart this scene is rated X, Uncle Jack doesn't believe it is that hard-core but anyone who has the hots for Bonet will get to see her naked and covered in blood!!!!!
There are many people who rave about how great Angel Heart is and how awesome De Niro's character is in it! Uncle Jack thinks that Angel Heart is a pretty good film but not awesome and the same can be said for De Niro's character in it!!! Angel Heart can be confusing and is bizarre in the same way that the movie Jacob's Ladder is- only not that cool and not quite that unusual!!!!! The movie will be enjoyed by most horror and suspense fans and of course all the people that get boners every time they see De Niro!!!
Directed by Alan Parker
****


Poison Ivy 2 "Lily" (1996)- (Feat. Alyssa Milano, Xander Berkeley, Johnathon Schaech, Belinda Bauer)
Poison Ivy 2 is a shitty movie with none of the charm of the original which featured Drew Barrymore!!! While the film with Barrymore had a familiar horror story line about a young woman who is invited into a family's home and slowly ruins it through the use of murder and seduction, Poison Ivy 2 isn't a horror or suspense movie by any stretch of the imagination!! Poison Ivy 2 tells the story of a stupid girl from Kalamazoo (dog poop capital of America) named Lily (Alyssa Milano) who has just arrived at a college in California! Lily is an art student which is great because her pictures in the movie are amazingly unskilled and worthless!!! Lily only seems to have one class and it is a class where they paint nude people (of course all chicks)!! Lily's pervert teacher played by Xander Berkeley instantly gets the hots for her!!!!
Lily lived a sheltered life in Kalamazoo (aka Bonerville USA)! When Lily finds a box which is supposed to contain Ivy's diary and some pictures Ivy took of herself in the nude, Lily decides that she really wants to be a slut!! As Lily reads through Ivy's diary the viewer is shown hazy, dream-like sequences which are supposed to be of Ivy! Poison Ivy 2 contains no scenes with Barrymore- the film's creators obviously couldn't get permission to use footage of her from the first film, especially naked!!! To remedy this problem the viewer never really gets to see Ivy's face- only quick and dark flashes of a naked female body which is basically always shot from the side or back, to help hide the fact that it is not Barrymore!
After reading the diary and looking at the photos, Lily changes her wardrobe to slutty, sleeps with a guy at her house and poses nude for her teacher!!!! Very briefly in the end of the movie when Lily's teacher realizes she doesn't love him, he goes crazy and tries to kill her... yes, this is the only bad and violent thing which happens!!!!!
Poison Ivy 2 has the feel of a crappy TV show about troubled slut in college, the filming and acting are very crappy and TV showish!!!! The viewer will often find themselves wondering,"so what is the plot here?" due to the meandering and pointless events and dialog!! The only reason anyone should watch Poison Ivy 2 is if they want to see Alyssa Milano topless!!!!!
Uncle Jack read a review of Poison Ivy on IMDB.com which claimed that it had no nudity except for a shot of Drew Barrymore's butt!!!! Uncle Jack doesn't know what version that dude watched- there is an awesome scene where Barrymore is naked in a shower of blood!!!!!!!!! That scene alone kicks Poison Ivy 2's ass!!
Directed by Anne Goursaud
*
Poison Ivy 2- Video Clip of Alyssa Milano Looking Through Ivy's Crappy Diary and Pictures!!!! WARNING BOOBS CONTENT!!!! NOT FOR DUMB KIDS!!


Bloody Wednesday (1985)- (Feat. Raymond Elmendorf, Pamela Baker, Navarre Perry, Teresa Mae Allen)
Bloody Wednesday is a low-budget film which is much better than the story on the box would lead one to believe!!! When the movie starts it is immediatly known that the star named Harry (Raymond Elmendorf) is eventually going to kill 35 people in a diner!! After establishing this fact, the viewer is taken back in time to the begining of Harry's troubles! Harry is a mechanic and one day he completely and unecesarrily disassembles a customers engine and then can't remember how to put it back together again!! Furious, Harry's boss fires him and has his older brother- a successful lawyer, comes to pick him up becuase Harry is behaving strangley and seems to need help!
Harry's brother is annoyed by Harry's behaviour and tells him to get his act together!!! Just a short time later Harry walks into church on a Sunday... naked and singing!! This stunt ends Harry up in a mental hospital where he meets Dr. Johnson (Pamela Baker)! After Harry stays at the hospital for a short while, Dr. Johnson admits that she can't force him to stay even though she doesn't think he is ready to leave!!!! Harry leaves, convinced that he has no need to be in the hospital! Harry's brother sets him up in a large, old, vacant hotel downtown that a client of his owns!!!! As soon as his brother leaves him there, Harry discovers 3 rough looking dudes going crazy and smashing up a room, they chase him through the giant building! Harry manages to escape harm and get the cops to come arrest the bad men!! They leave the hotel in handcuffs- swearing to return and kill Harry!!!!!
Throughout Bloody Wednesday Harry is continually harrassed by the 3 hooligans, hallucinates about snakes, gets in trouble for pointing a broom at passing planes like a gun, and continually believes that he vistits his doctor at her house while she is in a swimsuit which shows off her huge boobs and they have nice conversations and go to the movies!!! It is difficult in the film to know if much that happens is real or if it is all in Harry's imagination! The film quality is pretty terrible and the use of lighting is quite poor!! The acting in the film is a mix of mediocre and a little bad but Raymond Elmendorf does a decent job of being a weirdo which is the only thing which really matters!!!! Bloody Wednesday is not very gory but there is some blood in the final, bullet-ridden climax! People who enjoy films which are strange and about crazy people should find entertainment in this movie!!!
Directed by William E. Messerli
***
Bloody Wednesday- Video Clip of Harry Acting Weird and Doing Weird Stuff!!!!!!


Rocktober Blood (1984)- (Feat. Tray Loren, Donna Scoggins, Nigel Benjamin, Rene Hubbard, Cana Cockrell)
Despite what many blow jobs on the internet say, Rocktober Blood is essentially a piece of shit!!! The acting, especially that of the murderous, heavy metal singer Billy Eye Harper (Tray Loren) sucks maggot dicks!!!! Loren is most certainly in contention for a place in the halls of "The World's 100 Dumb-Fuckingest Villains Ever," with his worthless role in this movie!!!! When the viewer is not being bored to tears from Rocktober Blood's crappily done and typical slasher shit, they are bombarded with far too many lame-ass heavy metal songs with retarded names like "Rainbow Eyes"!!!! Everybody knows that evil and Satanic metal bands have songs called, "Rainbow Eyes"??!!!
Story- Billy Eye Harper goes crazy and kills a bunch of people after being lectured about the badness of drugs by his girlfriend- Lynn Starling (Donna Scoggins)!!!! Harper goes to the electric chair for his crimes and Starling takes over as the poopy singer for the smelly band!! Two years later Starling begins getting frightening phone calls and catching glimpses of Harper! Needless to say no one believes her until it is to late!
The end of Rocktober Blood is the only part of the film worth watching due to its high level of stupidness!! At the band's famed "Rocktober Blood" concert, Harper comes out on the stage disguised in the lame mask which he wears on the VHS cover and begins killing the chained women who are on the stage with his bladed mike stand! The audience thinks it is all great theatrics of course and cheers as his beheads and disembowels the women!!!!!
Produced, Written and Directed by Ferd and Beverly Sebastian (It takes two people to make a movie suck this much?!!! The guy's name is Ferd! People with dumb names apparently have to make crappy movies!!!!!!)
*
Rocktober Blood- Video Clip of the Final Concert and Carnage!!!! DON'T WATCH IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE THE END OF THIS POOPY MOVIE!!!


Evil Has a Face (1996)- (Sean Young, William R. Moses, Chelcie Ross, Joe Guzaldo, Brighton Hertford)
Evil Has a Face is a slow and uninteresting movie which was made for TV! Sean Young stars as a famous police sketch artist who does things her own way!!! Young is called to a small town to assist in the investigation of missing children!! After working with a young girl who escaped from her captor, Young becomes convinced that the individual behind the disappearances is her father who molested her as a child!!!!! Chelcie Ross plays the evil father but doesn't really show up in the film until the very end and his character comes off as a rather bland sicko, all the other characters in the film are uninteresting as well!!! Evil Has a Face is mediocre to the core and not worth watching!
Written and Directed by Rob Fresco
*


The Outer Limits: Sandkings (1995)- (Feat. Beau Bridges, Helen Shaver, Dylan Bridges, Kim Coates, Lloyd Bridges)
Sandkings was the first episode of The Outer Limits to be made in more than 30 years! The original Outer Limits had its final episode in 1963!!!! Sandkings is twice as long as all the following Outer Limits episodes would be, at about the length of an average modern movie- 93 minutes!! Another notable aspect of Sandkings is that it stars three generations of the Bridges family- Lloyd Bridges, his son Beau Bridges and Beau Bridges son Dylan Bridges!!!! Despite its wealth in Bridges, Sandkings fails to be a very interesting film! The movie would have been much better at half the length like a normal Outer Limits episode because it has the feeling of a normal Outer Limits episode with a bunch of filler crammed in just to make it a full length film!!!! The acting is fine, the special effects are fine, and the story is inter sting it could be told in half the time however and the star- Beau Bridges plays an uninteresting character!!!!!
Story- Beau Bridges is a scientist who is working with sand from Mars which has alien life in it!!! When one of the little, bug like creatures escapes from the laboratory and has to be chased down and destroyed, the government decides that Beau's project is too dangerous to go on so they pull the plug!!!! Convinced that he is on the verge of being able to communicate with what he calls the "Sandkings", Beau smuggles some sand out of the lab before it can be disposed of!
After getting the sand back to his house, Beau spends all of his money to make a giant, scientific sandbox in his large barn!!! The eggs in the Martian sand hatch into "Sandkings" and begin to rapidly multiply and build structures with all of the sand which Beau supplied them with!! Caring only for his work, Beau neglects his wife (Helen Shaver) and son (Dylan Bridges) and bankrupts his family with his secret project in the barn which he won't let anyone see!!!!! As the movie progresses Beau has to deal with an old colleague who knows that he stole some Martian sand, the fact that the Sandkings eat the family dog, and a father (Lloyd Bridges) and family who are trying desperately to help him return to a normal life! Beau makes the mistake of believing that the Sandkings think his is a god and finds out the hard way what they will do if they escape their sandbox!!!!!
Sandkings is a fine movie to watch if one has nothing better to do and nothing else to view, there are many better Outer Limits episodes however, especially from the 60s!!!!!
Directed by Stuart Gillard
**


The Neighbor (1993)- (Feat. Linda Kozlowski, Ron Lea, Rod Steiger)
Uncle Jack wasn't expecting much from The Neighbor and was pleasantly surprised to find that Rod Steiger does an amazing job as an extremely creepy... neighbor!!!! When a young couple who are expecting their first child (Linda Kozlowski, Ron lea) move into their new Vermont home it seems that they have the perfect neighbor- a nice old man (Steiger) who is also an obstetrician!!! Fortunately the house they move into is Steiger's childhood home so he just invites himself in any inappropriate time he wants!! Before long Kozlowski becomes convinced that Steiger is not as nice as everyone thinks and that he wants to kill her baby!!!!! All around good acting- creepy, bad dudes rock!!!!!!
Directed by Rodney Gibbons
****


The Serpent's Egg (1978)- (Feat. David Carradine, Liv Ullmann, Gert Froebe, Heinz Bennent, Glynn Turman, James Whitmore)
Easily mistakable for a horror film, The Serpent's Egg is actually a strange and well made drama which stars David Carradine! While Carradine's acting abilities seem questionable in the vast number of crappy action films which he appears, in The Serpent's Egg Carradine does a great job as Abel Rosenberg- an alcoholic American trapeze artist living in Berlin just after the First World War!! Returning to his apartment after a day of wandering the chaotic streets of a nation suffering from super inflation- where a pack of cigarettes costs 4 billion marks, Rosenberg discovers that his brother has shot himself in the head!!! Rosenberg's brother was also his trapeze partner, so to make things worse, Rosenberg has not only lost his brother but also his means of making money!!
Rosenberg moves to a new apartment with his sister-in-law Manuela (Liv Ullmann) and they both set out to find jobs!!! Manuela finds work in a brothel and Rosenberg gets a job looking through and organizing official documents in a strange place where he has to be locked in a room by himself as he works!!!! Rosenberg immediately senses that something is a little off about the place where he works and when the body of someone he knows is found dead- the police become interested in Rosenberg!! An old German friend from Rosenberg's childhood pops back into his life, now apparently a scientist- Dr. Vergerus (Heinz Bennent)! Rosenberg tells Manuela that he has no interest in renewing his friendship with Vergerus because Vergerus was a sick child who enjoyed torturing cats and doing other despicable things!!
Life goes from bad to worse and from strange to stranger for Rosenberg in the dark, pre-Nazi reality which he lives! The Serpent's Egg is well filmed, has an interesting story and good acting!!!! Fans of strange and gloomy movies should enjoy The Serpent's Egg!!
Directed by Ingmar Bergman
****


The Sister-In-Law (1995)- (Feat. Kate Vernon, Shanna Reed, Craig Wasson, Kevin McCarthy)
The Sister-In-Law is a crappy made for TV movie with nothing interesting about it!! Mediocre acting an unoriginal plot and boringness win the day in this poopy movie!!!!
Fast story for stupid crap- a girl's family dies in a car crash which is the fault of another family- the girl grows up and is played by Kate Vernon who kills the family's estranged daughter-in-law and takes her place - Vernon gets the family who thinks she is their daughter-in-law to like her and then tries to kill them all!!!! THE END!!! Stupid and worthless!!!
Directed by Noel Nosseck
*


Through the Eyes of a Killer (1992)- (Feat. Richard Dean Anderson, Marg Helgenberger, Joe Pantoliano, Melinda Culea)
MacGyver!!!! As a killer-unlicensed architect!!! That is right!! When Laurie Fischer (Marg Helgenberger) makes the mistake of hiring Ray Bellano (MacGyver) to help renovate a total shit-hole of an apartment which she just bought after breaking up with her boy friend (Joe Pantoliano) little does she know it will soon become her prison!!!! Before work even begins on the apartment Bellano jumps Fischer and next thing she knows they are having animal-rough sex! Needless to say Fischer thinks this is a cool surprise!! Who doesn't like a bit of rough sex with their constrution project?!!! Little does Fischer know as the construcion and rough sex progress, Bellano is falling in love with her and since he is crazy he builds secret, sheet metal-drop doors into all of the door frames and secret passage ways inside all of the walls! As one can imagine some of Helgenberger's friends end up disappearing before the final lock-down at the end of the film!!!! MacGyver is always cool!!!!!! His mullet is stylin'!!!!!!!! Not an amazing film by any means but amusing for sure!!
Directed by Perter Markle
**


What Waits Below (1985)- (Feat. Robert Powell, Timothy Bottoms, Lisa Blount, Richard Johnson, Anne Heywood)
What Waits Below is a sci-fi/horror film which is slow going, has a crappy script and so-so acting! The movie has some amusing parts despite its short comings and if it was not written and directed so bad it could have been a pretty decent film!!!
Story- an annoying and dumb English mercenary and cave specialist named Clayton Wolfson aka "Wolf" (Robert Powell) is hired by the US military to help locate a sonar transmitter for US subs which was just installed in a South American cave and has gone missing along with all of the people who were there to operate it!!!! Wolf accompany's Major Elbert Stevens (Timothy Bottoms), some cave scientists and a few foot soldiers deep into the underworld in search of the missing equipment and people!! Along their journey the group is attacked by a snake like monster that lives in the cave's walls and then they are taken captive by a lost race of albino people!!!! The albino people make their clothes from their long, white hair!!!!! They fling dangerous, bullet-like projectiles with carved pieces of stone and wear necklaces with a type of primitive computer chip on them!!!!!! They have a special albino-cave-super-computer!!!!! They hate loud noise!!! What do they eat in the empty looking caves which don't even appear to have water???!!!! Maybe they eat their hair!!!!!!!!! What will our heroes ever do??! Will the ever escape... "What Waits Below"?!!!!!
Directed by Don Sharp
**
What Waits Below- Video Clip of the Discovery of the Albino Hair Loom and Bone Weapon!!!!
What Waits Below- Video Clip of the Attack of the Cave Snakes and Albinos!!!
What Waits Below- Video Clip of the First Attack of the Albinos!!!!!!


The Thrill Killers (1964)- (Liz Saxon, Joe Saxon, Cash Flagg, Gary Kent)
Despite its totally unworthy cult following, The Thrill Killers is an extremely boring piece of fuck shit with lousy acting, lame violence and no blood!!! Cash Flagg who is supposed to play a cool, psychopathic killer- sucks horse balls!!!!! 95% boring, space-filling dialogue, 5% butt crack-diarrhea action!!
Directed aka Rotten Spermed by Ray Dennis Steckler
-5*


Midnight Ride (1990)- (Feat. Michael Dudikoff, Mark Hamill, Savina Gersak, Robert Michum)
While Midnight Ride starts with some potential it eventually ends in an all-out crappy action extravaganza!!!! Michael Dudikoff (American Ninja!!!) is Lawson- a cop with a broken leg and a wife named Lara (Savina Gersak) who has just said she wants a divorce and taken off in her car!!! Mark Hamill is Justin McKay- a killer who is on a bloody trip back to see his shrink at the hospital where he underwent electroshock therapy!! Lara makes the mistake of picking up McKay but she need have no fear because Lawson is following close behind unwilling to let her have a divorce!
When Hamill first appears in the movie his character is extremely creepy and unnerving, towards the end of the film however- Hamill's character turns into the typical laughing psycho who constantly cracks shitty jokes!!!! Hamill's crappy change of character coincides with the movie's complete transformation into an chase flick!!!! There is little in the world more overdone than car chase scenes in movies and when they are in B movies with a minimal budget they always suck! The car chase is followed by a dumbly drawn out battle between Lawson and McKay at the hospital- a battle which would have broke all the bones in their bodies a million times over!! To top off the fartyness, there is a "surprise" ending that isn't any surprise when it comes!!!!
Dudikoff plays an extremely unlikable character in the film and one is left wondering why they should feel sorry for him and why they should hope he should get back together with his wife!!!! Gersak plays her part well and has the best acting in the film short of Hamill's masterful work towards the beginning of the film!!!! Robert Mitchum plays the doctor whom McKay is hunting for and is only in the movie for maybe five uninspired minutes at the very end!!!!!!
Hamill fans will no doubt have to see this film and the first 30 minutes or so are worth watching but once Hamill starts cracking jokes and the chase scene truly kicks into gear, save yourself some pain and shut the film off!!!!
Directed by Bob Bralver
**
Midnight Ride- Preview for the Film!!!!!


Manhattan Baby (1982)- (Feat. Christopher Connelley, Martha Taylor, Brigitta Boccoli, Giovanni Frezza, Cinzia De Ponti)
While Uncle Jack is generally a huge fan of whatever films the Italian director Lucio Fulci makes, Manhattan Baby is one of his weaker movies and most people in this modern day and age will probably find it boring and stupid!!
Manhattan Baby tells the tale of Dr. Hacker (American actor Christopher Connelley) an archeologist who is blinded when he discovers a secret chamber in a cursed Egyptian tomb!!! Before Hacker makes his blinding discovery, the only Egyptian who was willing to enter the cursed tomb with him falls into a pit of spikes!!!! Meanwhile, Hacker's young daughter who is elsewhere in Egypt is given an ancient Egyptian amulet by a mysterious, veiled woman who tells her, "tombs are for the dead."!!!!!!!!
After the accident Hacker and his family return to their home in Manhattan and bad things begin to happen thanks to the amulet!!!
One of Manhattan Baby's most important features is that Dr. Hacker's young son Tommy is played by Giovanni Frezza aka Bob from Fulci's zombie masterpiece- House by the Cemetery!!!! Unfortunately, Frezza is dubbed in a different voice which doesn't sound like a demented Mickey Mouse and he doesn't have near so many cool lines!!!!!!
Manhattan Baby is a slow film with Poltergeist like qualities only crappier!! Compared to many other Fulci films the blood quantity is quite low! Fulci was probably aiming for a more "thoughtful" movie with Manhattan Baby but fails in part due to the crappy, dubbed script which many Italian movies from the 80s have (Uncle Jack thinks these are cool and funny but they don't help things be serious)! For Fulci fans Manhattan Baby definitely has its moments, the typical weird/rigorous Fulci filming and should be watched!! For people who don't know Fulci, if you enjoy strange horror movies, appreciate cheap 1980s Italian cinema and can handle a little slowness, check Manhattan Baby out!!
Directed by Lucio Fulci
***
Manhattan Baby- Video Clip of Terror in the Tomb and the Evil Amulet Gift!!!!!!

 

 



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