VARIOUS HORROR FILM REVIEWS 8!

The Tomb (1986)- (Feat. Richard Hench, David Pearson, Cameron Mitchell, John Carradine, Sybill Danning)
The Tomb is a movie that should be locked away in a tomb until the end of time so that no one else has to witness the horror of its suckiness! The film's cover art seems to suggest an epic adventure like Indiana Jones, adventure however does not exist in this film!! The Tomb starts off with B movie queen Sybill Danning trying to rip-off an ancient, Egyptian necklace from a greasy tomb raider (David Pearson)!!! Danning fails in her attempt and then disappears, never to be seen in the movie again!!!! Good thing Danning gets top billing in this film when she is one of The Tomb's most minor characters!! After this fiasco- Pearson goes to an Eygptian bar with his partner and meets an alleged Eygiptian local (white guy in a turban) who tells them that he just discovered a tomb and can take them there! The trio heads out with a pair of camels through the desert (probably Californian- only a small amount of stock footage from Eygpt is used in this low-budget puke) and eventually comes to a lame rock cave!!! The intereior of "the tomb" is probably the shittiest and least inspired Eygptian tomb set ever created- only conataining clearly fake stone walls, a sarcophagus, cat statue and a couple pieces of ancient garbage!!!! While in the tomb of shit, the three men awaken a blood drinking Princess (Michelle Bauer) who was placed there in the hope that no one would ever find her and release her evil upon the world again! Wow, she is a white chick with black hair who speaks perfect english.... that makes her so Eygptian!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Only Pearson escapes alive- with a promise from the Princess that she will find him again!! Some time later in LA Pearson has sold three artifacts which he stole from the Princess' tomb to three different collectors!!!!! The Princess flies into LA from Eygpt and puts a giant scarab in Pearson's chest so he has to help her retrieve the three artifacts!! The death scenes are dumb in The Tomb and Michelle Bauer plays an ultra-crappy, villain!!! John Carradine has a bit part as an expert on ancient Egyptian history!
The only part of The Tomb which could be considered genious is the fact that David Pearson's character pulls a beer out in almost every scene which he is in!!! He pulls beers out from under his pillow, under his mattress, and even out from under the leg of his shorts as well as from many other places!!!!! There is also a radical bar scene where a toplesss chick with HUGE tits is dancing in a really crappy police uniform with a crummy, fake revolver!!!! Her boob shaking dance rocks and you get to see it a lot of times!!!!! Except for the hidden beers and giant boobies The Tomb is totally worthless and should never be viewed!!!!!!!!
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
*

The Killing Hour (1984)- (Feat. Perry King, Elizabeth Kemp, Norman Parker, Kenneth McMillan, Jon Polito, Joe Morton, Barbara Quinn, Antone Pagan)
The Killing Hour is a totally original film about a psychic who can draw pictures of murders as they happen...... oh wait, that story has been done one million times!!!!! The detective who is the star the film spends his off hours being a stand up comic who specializes in really fucking crappy impersonations!!! One truly has to wonder who other than retards would find the humor in this film the slightest bit amusing!! Why this movie is called The Killing Hour is unknown because the murders don't happen at any particular time! If you have a serious need to feel like you really just wasted 97 minutes The Killing Hour will do the trick!!!!
Directed by Armand Mastroianni
*

Tales of the Unknown (1990)- (Feat. Russ Fega, Alfred Buckingham, Paul Druge)
Leave it up to AIP Studios to create the world's most lousy Tales from the Dark Side rip-off!!! Tales of the Unknown features four dumb stories which are supposed to be, "fascinating, frightening, funny" and fail on all three parts!! AIP Studios is incapable of producing anything that doesn't suck- so it is no surprise! All the films contain bad acting, stupid stories, very low budgets, very poor attempts at humor, and essentially no attempts to be scary!!!!! Thumbs Down!!!!!!
Jack Fell Down- Directed by John Kim
Warped- Directed by Roger Nygard
Living on Video- Directed by Fred Gallo
The Big Garage- Directed by Greg Beeman
-2*

Hellhole (1985)- (Feat. Judy Landers, Ray Sharkey, Mary Woronov, Marjoe Gortner, Edy Williams)
Hellhole is but one of the many films in the legion of girls behind bars movies that were so popular in the 1980s!!! Judy Landers plays a young girl (even though she looks like she is in her 40s) who's mother is killed by a scarf wielding maniac named Silk (Ray Sharkey)!! When Landers walks in on the event she is chased down by Silk until she falls out of a house which is under construction and is left for dead! Landers is not dead however, she is just left with amnesia and is taken to a mental hospital for girls! The hospital where Lander's finds herself trapped is run by an insane female doctor who likes girls and uses them for both pleasure and in her experiments with chemical lobotomies in the "Hellhole"!!!!!
When Lander's first arrives at the hospital some of the patients do seem insane however, the movie quickly deteriorates into various scenes of half naked chicks using drugs that they get from who knows where and making out with each other- interspersed with scenes of villainous acts, as is the case with most caged women movies!! Silk remains one of the main protagonists throughout the film because he gets a job as a orderly in the hospital when he learns that Landers did not die!!!
The only moment of note in all of Hellhole is one where two topless girls are huffing glue in the janitor's locker!!!!! Rad!!!! Huff glue!!!! Ultimately Hellhole is not very good as is the norm for movies of its type, and Judy Landers is weird looking!!!!!!!!
Directed by Pierre De Moro
**

Killer on Board (1977)- (Feat. Jane Seymore, George Hamilton, Frank Converse, Claude Akins, Patty Duke Astin, Len Birman)
Killer on Board was a made for TV movie with a mildly misleading title!!! The killer which is on board a cruise ship is a deadly and unknown disease, not some kind of psychotic, human killer as most people would probably guess!! When it finally becomes known that a killer disease is abord the ship everyone is forced to stay on until a cure can be discovered!!!!! The acting is fine and the movie is ok- however, Uncle Jack thinks if you have seen one killer disease movie you have pretty much seen them all so why bother adding another to the list?!!!!!
Directed by Philip Leacock
**

Tokyo "The Last Megalopolis" (1988)- (Feat. Shintaro Katsu, Kyusaku Shimada, Mieko Herada, Junichi Ishida, Tamasaburo Bando)
This Japanese movie was released in the US with English subtitles in 1998!!! The movie is based on a series of novels which are famous in Japan and blend real Japanese history from the early 1900s with magic and horror!!!!! The movie is filmed very well and all the scenes are quite nice to look at!! Since the film tries to condense four novels down to 135 minutes the events in the movie are hard to follow and one can never tell just how much time has passed between scenes!!!!!
Tokyo "The Last Megalopolis" is about an evil magician named Kato (Kyusaku Shimada) who is bent on raising the spirit Masakado- a murderous general from the 10th century! Kato wants to raise the general from his grave because it is said that if Masakado's eternal rest is ever disrupted he will destroy all of Tokyo and that is Kato's ultimate goal!!!! Evil birds, demons, possessed women, and fortune telling through blood loss are just a few of the dark elements to be found in this film!! There is an excess of dialogue as is often the case in Japanese Manga which often features soap operaish qualities!!! The dialogue isn't always that useful and occasionally adds to the film's confusion factor as the scenes of dialogue jump around as much as the rest of the film! Ultimately the cool filming and nifty scenes of darkness make this film worth watching!!!! Another interesting note to fans of the video game Street Fighter- apparently M. Bison's character was based upon Kato from this film!!!!!!
Directed by Akio Jissoji
***

Witchery (1988)- (Feat. Linda Blair, David Hasselhoff, Bob Champange, Leslie Cumming, Richard Farnsworth, Catherine Hickland, Hildegarde Knef, Michael Manches)
Witchery is a decent 80s horror film and one of its main stars is DAVID HASSELHOFF!!!!! Linda Blair is in the movie but isn't the star as the box art would have one believe, she also never wears that outfit and never has a gun!! While the movie's gore is a little cheesy, it is fairly effective with an old woman getting her lips sewn shut and shoved down a chimney, old witches hitting a new born baby on metal bars, and other swell stuff! The acting is decent except for one of the stars- Leslie Cumming who really, really sucks and always speaks in complete monotone no matter what is happening... but she sucks so much it is cool!!!!!
The tale of Witchery is- A rich family decides to buy a big, old house which is by itself on the island with plans for turning it into a hotel!!! The family goes to visit the property and ends up stranded on the island with their relator and a couple (David Hasselhoff and Leslie Cumming) who were staying on the island to do research on the house's alleged past as the home of a witch and an island where witch burnings occurred!!!!! The witch who secretly resides in the house is an old woman who is supposed to be sort of scary but she doesn't look evil enough and she is not a good enough actress! The film's low-point is when Linda Blair who plays the pregnant daughter of the rich family- becomes possessed near the end of the movie in a crappy attempt to reprise her Exorcist role!!! Linda Blair's Witchery possessed self comes off as badly over-acted and the script for the part is stupid!! One of the film's highlights is David Hasselhoff's attempts to get in the pants of his witch-obsessed girlfriend who is also obsessed with her virginity (her virginity is important to the plot as is Blair being pregnant)!! Everyone knows that no one could ever resist Hasslehoff's sexy charm!!!!!!!!!!!!! DAVID HASSLEHOFF!!!!! Just Watch It!!!
Directed by Martin Newlin
***

Snowbeast (1977)- (Feat. Bo Svenson, Yvette Mimieux, Robert Logan, Sylvia Sidney)
Snowbeast would be best described as dumb!!! The film spends more time on the crappy drama between an ex-Olympic gold medalist skier (Bo Svenson) and his wife (Yvette Mimieux) then it does on the shitty "Snowbeast" which is terrorizing a small, mountaintop resort town!!!!! To top it off the Snowbeast looks retarded!!!!! The acting is fine but the movie is very boring, there is no gore, and the film isn't frightening in the slightest!! CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Herb Wallerstein
*

Mutator (1989)- (Feat. Brion James, Carolyn Ann Clark, Milton Raphael Murill)
There is a reason why no one has ever heard of the film Mutator... it sucks dirty balls!!!!! It is a travesty of the highest proportions that the great Brion James had to be given the uninteresting starring role of a good guy scientist in this chunk of human waste!! Story- The Tigen Corporation was conducting a genetic experiment using human and CAT!!! DNA when something went wrong- the Cat Humans escaped and starting killing people around the massive Tigen complex!!!!! Brion James who was fired from Tigen in the past is hired by another company to pose as a security gaurd and infiltrate Tigen to learn about what kind of experiments they are conducting!! James' first day of work starts with a blast as the Cat Humans begin slaughtering his fellow security gaurds! A group of three animal rights activists sneak into Tigen to free lab animals at the same time James starts his new job!! Soon all the garbagey people join together in a desperate attempt to stop the Cat Humans! Here are some of the amazing facts which the viewer learns about Cat Humans during the film- when Cat Humans see it looks sort of like dumb infrared vision, they are very sneaky so no one sees them until they get killed, and last but certainly not least- Cat Humans drool large amounts of semen looking shit all over the place!!!!!!!!! Many of the deaths in Mutator have cuts right before they happen and there is very little gore!!! The viewer never gets to see the crappy Cat Humans very well, many of the characters in the film are bland, the story is dumb and the directing leaves much to be desired!!!!!! Mutator is boring, farty, not worth watching movie!!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by John R Bowey
*

The Crawlers (1993)- (Feat. Jason Saucier, Mary Sellers)
The Crawlers is a terrible and very low-budget movie!!!! When a corrupt power plant official authorizes the dumping of toxic waste in the wilderness to save disposal money and pocket some cash for himself, the trees wither up and die, but... their roots turn into slithering, flesh eating creatures of destruction!!!!! The acting in The Crawlers is horrible, the special effects are very cheesy and the script is as good as rotten fish eyes!! The ultimate scene in The Crawlers is at the end when it is decided that the only way to kill The Crawlers is to plow everything up with a bunch of giant bulldozers!!!!! There are repeated cuts to a toy bulldozer pushing around dirt and sticks!!!!!!!! SO COOL!!! Did some body really think no one would notice??!!!! When people are attacked by the vine like roots they are clearly hold them to their throats!!! The Crawlers is just bad, not bad enough to be good!
Directed aka Masturbated by Martin Newlin
*

Child in the Night (1990)- (Feat. Jobeth Williams, Tom Skerritt, Season Hubley, Darren McGavin, Elijah Wood)
Uncle Jack put off watching Child in the Night for quite awhile because of the sticker on the front that declares it, "a non-violent mystery thriller"!!!! Non-violent?!!!! While not too high on gore, several people are killed with a giant hook!!!!!! Child in the Night takes place in Seattle (Uncle Jack's home town), so the film gets props right away for that fact! The film's story revolves around the murder of the owner of a boat factory!!! The factory owner's eight-year old son (Elijah Wood) witnesses the murder and is traumatized!!!! Desperate for clues, detective Thurston Bass (Tom Skerritt) requests a child psychologist (Jobeth Williams) to help with the case!!!!!! Slowly Williams manages to help the child remember the night of his father's death which he retells as a Peter Pan fairy tale and Captain Hook is the villain!! While Williams works with Wood several more murders occur and Detective Bass pushes Williams to try harder to get the full story out of Wood!!! Child in the Night is well acted and mildly suspenseful at times, not amazing but worth watching!
Directed by Mike Robe
***

Spellcaster (1991)- (Feat. Richard Blade, Gail O'Grady, Harold "P" Pruett, Bunty Bailey, Traci Lin, Adam Ant)
Spellcaster is a lame horror movie about a group of people who win a chance to search for one million dollars in an old, Italian castle!!! The event is a publicity stunt for a music television station, it is hosted by DJ Richard Blade and a crappy female rock star who is drunk and annoying all the time! The castle is home to the mysterious Senor Diablo who never comes out to see his guests... only his butler is seems to be present!! As the crappy characters go about their stupid search for the money which is in the form of a uninteresting check, they begin dying off in boring ways one by one!!!! Two dudes die in an exploding car, another falls off the castle, another is grabbed by a monster and taken into a painting, so on and so forth!!!!! There are some ok latex effects when a fat guy turns into a pig and for the painting monster, but it doesn't matter because the movie sucks!!!!! Adam Ant is in the movie for maybe five minutes at the very end and he sucks at acting and plays a very piss quality Satan! Spellcaster will make you have to take a Spellcrapper!!!!!
Directed by Rafal Zielinski
*

Horror Vision (2001)- (Feat. Jake Leonard, Maggie Rose Fleck, Josh Covitt, James Black)
With Horrorvision Full Moon Pictures once again proves that they usually make shitty-fuck-sucks!!! Horrorvision is low-budget garbage, with HORRIBLE acting, CRAPPY filming, a WORTHLESS script, and LAME characters!! Horrorvision is about a guy who makes porn websites, one day while his girlfriend is looking at a site called "Horrorvision.com" he watches her turn into static and disappear!!!! The man looks at Horrorvision.com and can tell that it is evil! The man goes to visit a friend and notices that she seems to have disappeared and he thinks Horrorvision.com did it!!!!!!! Soon the man is on a boring quest to find the source of Horrorvision.com and shut it down! While on his quest the man meets a dumb black guy who tries to dress and act like Blade and knows a lot about Horrorvision.com!!!! Horrorvision.com can travel through all electronic devices which have some type of internet connection and make crummy robot creatures appear which try to kill!! The movie ends with the man and Dumb Blade roaming through the desert trying to stay away from technology and still trying to figure out how to stop Horrorvision.com??!!!! Were they actually pondering making a sequel to this urine soaked rag?!!!!!!! The killer robot creatures were actually kind of decent looking for this movie's tiny budget, especially a half man/ half robot dude who oversees the operation of Horrorvision.com!! Perhaps the worst part of this 70 minute long movie (the fact that it is only 70 minutes is the best part!!!) is the early, crappy-fuck flashback scene where the star is remembering scenes of him and his girlfriend that were played just a few minutes ago!!!!!! There is nothing better than watching a sucky movie which flashbacks to sucky scenes which one has already seen!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Danny Draven
*

Terror Vision (1986)- (Feat. Diane Franklin, Gerrit Graham, Mary Woronov, Chad Allen, Jonathan Gries, Jennifer Richards, Alejandro Rey, Bert Remsen)
Terror Vision is certainly one of the best horror/sci-fi/comedies which no one has ever heard of!!! The sets and costumes in this movie kick ass!!!! All the characters in Terror Vision are over-the-top stereotypes such as- a heavy metal rocker, a TV repair nerd, a survivalist grandpa, a punk girl, and swinger parents!!!!! The house where the movie takes place is a radical and colorful swingers pad with giant paintings of orgies and scenes of bizarre bondage on the walls!! The masterfully designed sets alone make Terror Vision watching! While some of the characters are annoying some of them like the TV repair guy with his tie shoved down his pants, and the gay, Greek swinger are awesome!
Terror Vision's story is- aliens on a distant planet shove a large, mutant pet which has been eating everything including the aliens into a machine which turns it into energy and shoots it out into space!!! Meanwhile on Earth the Putterman household has just installed the latest in satellite dish technology for their TV!!!!! While testing their TV the killer, alien pet is sucked into their satellite dish and into one of the TV channels!!! Later that evening the monster gets out of the TV only to be frightened back in! Eventually the monster begins coming out of the TV to eat the unusual inhabitants of the house!!!! While this movie could have been made better and is a little dumb and slow at points, it is worth watching and contains some unexpected events!!!!! When the creature liquefies people into green, slime-crap which it eats, it is pretty cool!! It is also fairly hilarious when the creature regurgitates its prey and uses them as slimy and mangled puppets in order to trick people into thinking that those which it has eaten are still alive!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Ted Nicalou
***