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VARIOUS HORROR FILM REVIEWS 6!!!!!


Track of the Moonbeast (1972)- (Feat. Chase Cordell, Gregorio Sala)
It must be said that "The Moonbeast" is one of the crappiest looking monsters ever made for the big screen!!!! One would think that by 1972 they could do better than something like "The Creature from the Black Lagoon", not worse!!!!! The cloth suit for "The Moonbeast" really has to be seen to be believed!!! This movie is boring, badly acted, badly written, badly directed, and a lot more badly!!!!!! Story- a guy gets a fragment of meteor rock stuck in his head which makes him turn into the shit pile know as "The Moonbeast" whenever the moon comes out!!!! "The Moonbeast" has to kill people as one would guess!! There is no graphic violence, almost no gore, and "The Moonbeast" barley kills anyone before becoming destabilized by another meteor rock and then disappearing in a crummy display of red flashing screen!!!!! There is a radical love story however, between the man who doesn't know he is "The Moonbeast" and a girl he knows for about three days before his pitiful end!!!!!! They loved each other so?!!!!! POOP!!!!!!!
Directed by Dick Ashe
*
Track of the Moonbeast- Video Clip of the Moonbeast Attacking a Card Game in a Tent!!!!!


Diary of the Dead (1986)- (Feat. Hector Elizondo, Salome Jens, Geraldine Fitzgerald, Joe Maher)
Diary of the Dead is a suspense flick, not a horror film as the cover would suggest!! The movie tells the tale of a man who has to live with his mother in law who is a manipulative bitch and a terrible person! Out of desperation for a more peaceful life he begins to contemplate her murder unbeknownst to his wife!!! When the mother in laws equal unpleasant sister comes to stay and accidentally dies the man gets an idea which quickly gets him into a endless spiral of trouble!!!! A nosey neighbor and his dog don't help the man's situation either!!!!! While far too slow for the youth of today, Diary of the Dead is actually quite good!! The film is well acted and one is kept wanting to know what unfortunate thing will happen next!!!!!
Directed by Arvin Brown
***


Psyclops (200? Early)- (Feat. Diane Di Gregorio, Irene Joseph, Rob Monkiewicz, Dan Merriam, Phip Barbour, Jim Baker, Gordon Gauntlet, Liz Hurley)
Few movies can boast such a wonderful group obnoxious and shitty actors as Psyclops!!! Not content to stop with just horrible actors, Psyclops also features a terrible story, lousy directing, and an all around unredeemable excrement pile of existence!!!!! The movie's star is a fucking worthless dude who won't stop videoing his friends and thinks he is making the world's most amazing and ground-breaking film ever while doing so!!!!! Some stupid shit happens when he discovers an old invention that a lame scientist made which opens up a portal to another dimension, lets out tiny killer bugs and leaves him with his video camera permanently imbedded in his skull!!!! The situation is made worse by the fact that some of these evil bugs infect his brain giving him the power to shock things and act like an evil retard!!! The bugs get in the brains of some corpses in a graveyard at one point and they turn into dumb zombies!!!!!! The granddaughter of the scientist who made the bad invention shows up to save the day with her wicca powers?!!!! No, this movie could not get any worse!!!!! Uncle Jack praises the use of stop-motion animation for the bugs which look cool running around in the brain, none the less, he shall never forgive all those involved in making this fuck pile of worthless fuckyness!!!!!!
Directed by Bret Piper (May Your Flesh Be Consumed In A Tub Of Acid Spitting Worms and Spiders!!!!!)
-1000*
Psyclops- Video Clip of the Arrival of the Brain Bugs Via the Shitty Machine!!!!!!
Psyclops- Video Clip of Brain Bugs!!!
Psyclops- Video Clip of Stupid Zombie Happenings in the Cemetary!!!!!!!


The Tempter (1978)- (Feat. Carla Gravina, Mel Ferrer, Arthur Kennedy)
The Tempter is an Italian knock-off of "The Exorcist"!!! The woman who becomes possessed by the devil is older than Linda Blair and in a wheel chair however!!!! As her possession progresses she becomes more and more evil, ranting obscenities and drooling a cum like substance all over the place!!!!! The house shakes, objects fly around, she levitates and regains the ability to walk when it suits her!!!!!! The crowning jewel of this film is clearly supposed to be the "Orgy in Hell" sequence which is much more tame than the box suggests it is!!! An ok movie, one begins to tire of it towards the end! The acting is fine and the special effects typical of the time... aka not that great!!! The number of deaths is low and the gore is too, much drooling of cum type substance though, for all those who enjoy that kind of thing!!
Directed by Alberto De Martino
*
The Tempter- Video Clip of the Famed Orgy in Hell Scene!!!!!!! NOT FOR KIDS THERE ARE SOME BOOBS AND BUTTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!


The Hills Have Eyes (198? Early)- (Feat. Susan Lanier, Robert Houston, Martin Speer, Dee Wallace, Russ Grieve, John Steadman, Michael Berryman, Virginia Vincent)
The Hills Have Eyes is one of those rare Wes Craven films which is actually good such as the notorious Nightmare on Elm Street!!! For whatever reason this film seamed hard to find on VHS in Uncle Jack's youth and he didn't actually watch it until just recently after he had seen the remake with BILLY DRAGO in it for a couple minutes!!!! The story was changed somewhat for the remake!! The cannibal family does live on a bombing range in the middle of a desert, it is not a nuclear bombing range however! Their dirty, rugged and ugly looks are just the result of a hard life and human flesh!!!! They are not mutated by nuclear radiation!!! The Original The Hills Have Eyes is much less gory and considerably less dark!!!! Many aspects of the story are the same however, a family with a camper gets stranded near the cannibals, the dad is torched on a cross, the family dog "Beast" (a German Shepard) kills some of the cannibals and there are other similarities! Fairly suspenseful, decent acting, Michael Berryman (the weird looking guy on the box is in it), and worth watching!!!
Directed by Wes Craven
***


The Hills Have Eyes Part 2 (1986)- (Feat. Michael Berryman, John Laughlin, Tamara Stafford)
Well, he did it!!!! Wes Craven fucked his sequel to The Hills Have Eyes royally!!!!! This piece of shit stinks in every way!!!! The script stinks, the plot sucks, the acting is typically poor as is par for many horror films, and the bad guys are lame!! Michael Berryman returns as his same weird looking cannibal character from the first film the only problem is you saw the dog rip his throat out in the first film!!!! Wes Craven didn't seem to give a crap when he made this, even Berryman's character is worse due to the lame script, poor direction and lackluster filming!!!! The only other cannibal in the movie "The Reaper" is stupid and not scary!! Can you say 15+ minutes of flashback footage from the first movie, Wes you are a stupid fuck head!!!!! Story- a stupid dirt biking team headed by the boy from the first movie goes to a contest in the same place where his family was massacred despite his warnings and refusal to go!!!!! They are accompanied by a girl who was a helpful cannibal in the first movie and is now rehabilitated and along for the ride as a device which allows Dumb Shit Craven to use more flashback footage! Even the old family dog "Beast" comes along so he can kill Berryman's character again, this time by pushing him off a cliff, L A M E!!!!!!! GARBAGE!!!!!!!! Wes get a fucking brain you dumb ass you can make good shit so why do you also make such diarrhea piss scabs??!!!!!!
Directed(AKA Shat) by Wes Craven
-50*


Winter Beast (1992)- (Feat. Tim R. Morgan, Mike Magri, Charles Majka, Bob Harlow, Dori May Kelly, Lissa Breer, Chris Lenge, Bill MacLeod, David Mica)
Winter Beast is surely one of the most important horror films ever made!!! Almost every death scene features a different claymated monster killing a different clay person!!!! The stop-motion animation is great!! The dialogue is strange and reminiscent of various weird Canadian movies (some people would say weird Canadian movie is redundant)! Winter Beast is very low budget and the film quality poor but it only helps add to the charm of the amazing creation!!! The story- a group of park rangers on a mountain grow concerned about an ever increasing number of disappearing visitors and town residents!! Eventually they realize some type of cult has opened a gate to evil which has released all kinds of weird looking demons that like to kill who ever they come across in the wilderness!!!! While at times the film can be a little slow it is definitely worth watching to see all the cheesy, stop-motion animation monsters murder their clay prey!!!!!! This is the only movie director Christopher Theis ever made and it is very sad!!!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Christopher Thies
****
Winter Beast- Video Clip of the Monster Infested Dream From the Begining of the Film!!!!! Rad!!!!!!!


Abducted 2 "The Reunion" (1994)- (Feat. Raquel Bianca, Lawrence King, Debbie Rochon, Donna Jason, Dan Haggerty, Jan Michael Vincent)
Abducted 2 is your typical girls go camping and get captured by an evil-wild man story!!!! While Dan Haggerty and Jan Michael Vincent receive top billing for this film their parts are actually relatively small and neither of them is in it for more than 10 minutes!! Lawrence King is the savage Vern who was apparently in the first Abducted and fell off a cliff but everyone knows that is just a device which allows people to make sequels!!!! King's character starts of mildly interesting and menacing when he first captures the girls but he quickly becomes more "human" as the director tries to generate some amount of sympathy for his situation!!!! Jan Michael Vincent's character is the most interesting in the show, a millionaire businessman who likes to hunt with a crossbow and doesn't care if what he kills is legal or not!! He does a good job of being an unlikable, spoiled brat!!!! Haggerty plays Vincent's hunting guide and father of Vince who he thinks is dead because he killed him in the first movie! Raquel Bianca who is in the sexy leather hide on the cover is the film's main star and the only girl Vern can hold onto until the final showdown!!!!! If Lawrence King were a better actor or the director was better able to mold Vern into a more despicable creature, this would be a much better movie!!! Abducted 2 goes onto the worth watching if you find it for $1 or less list!!
Directed by Boon Collins
**


Dead of Winter (1987)- (Feat. Mary Steenburgen, Roddy McDowall, Jan Rubes, William Russ)
Dead of Winter is a very good thriller!!! Roddy McDowall does an excellent job at playing an insane assistant to an equally mad psychiatrist!!!! Story- when an actress lands the opportunity to star in a major motion picture she has no idea it is all a scam that will land her stranded in a house with two strange men who are plotting her demise!! Dead of Winter is really the kind of movie which not too much should be said about or plot secrets could be revealed!!!! Very well acted, well written and directed, lots of quality suspense!!!!!!
Directed by Arthur Penn
***


The Fall of the House of Usher (1980)- (Feat. Robert Hays, Charlene Tilton, Martin Landau, Ray Walston)
This low-budget movie features a spectacular mansion made out of painted plywood!!! Based on the Edgar Allen Poe story by the same title, The Fall of the House of Usher stars Martin Landau (a b movie great) as one of the last two Ushers alive!!! When Landau summons his old childhood friend Jonathan- an engineer, to his home, it is his final attempt to stop a terrible curse!!!! Convinced he and his sister's poor health, rapid aging and a coming insanity are all related to the deteriorating of the mansion Landau begs Jonathan to repair the building's crumbling foundation!! With the help of the strange butler Jonathan takes on the impossible task but he is no match for the evil of the mansion and its will to collapse and drive the remaining two Ushers to deaths of violent insanity!!!! Despite the lack of budget and the cheesiness of this film, it is a haunted house movie and it does have crazy people which is always cool!!!! The woman who plays Jonathan's wife is a terrible actress but it is kind of amusing!!!! Fans of cheep old horror films will most likely find The Fall of the House of Usher more entertaining than not!
Directed by James L. Conway
**


God Told Me To (1976)- (Feat. Tony Lo Bianco, Sandy Dennis, Sylvia Sidney, Sam Levene, Robert Drivas, Mike Kellin, Richard Lynch)
Having seen God Told Me To pictured in various film related books for years Uncle Jack expected it to be good!!! The film is a bit of a sleeper however!!!!! The movie's star, a police detective played by Tony Lo Bianco- is an irritating and unlikable character who seems to only get more unlikable as he discovers his uniqueness as the movie progresses!!!! Bianco is obsessed with figuring out why people suddenly decide to start killing other people and saying that god told them to!! As he searches for the answer he struggles with his Catholic faith and a feeling that there is something that makes him different!!! In the end it is up to Bianco to battle the thing that people call god which is played by the always awesome Richard Lynch!!!!!! The only really great part of this movie is at the very end when Lynch shows off something that is really cool that would ruin the whole movie if it were mentioned!! I suppose one can always use the remote through the slow parts, God Told Me To is sort of a classic after all!!!
Written, Produced and Directed by Larry Cohen
**
God Told Me To- Video Clip of the Sniper in the Beginning of the Film!!!!!!


Prime Evil (1988)- (Feat. Christine Moore, William Beckwith, Mavis Harris, Max Jacobs, Tim Gail, Gary Warner, Amy Brentano)
Prime Evil would be better entitled Weak Evil!!! The movie is boring and all the characters are dumb!! The story is put together poorly, and the nun who turns out to be the hero at the end of the day is just in a little sub-plot that almost seems to get lost!!! Prime Evil is a typical horror film about a group of Satanists who have to make human sacrifices in order to maintain eternal life!!!!! Needless to say they often require virgins and the film's main character is an obnoxious, young woman who is too stupid to realize that she is befriending a really lame priest who is really the leader of the Satanists!! Generally poor acting, crappy story and direction, no value!!!!
Directed by Roberta Findlay
*


Red Blooded American Girl (1990)- (Feat. Andrew Stevens, Heather Thomas, Christopher Plummer, Kim Coates, Lydie Denier)
Uncle Jack saw previews for Red Blooded American Girl as a youth and thought, "that movie looks like it has lots of boobies!" From the art on the cover of the VHS one is clearly supposed to get the idea that the movie supplies plenty of tits!!! The tragedy is that false advertising strikes again!!!!! The girl on the front of the box is only in the film for about the first minute and while you do get to see her lovely chest area you will see no more bare lady chest areas for the rest of the poopy garbage!!! The star of the movie isn't even a girl!!!! Andrew Stevens plays a lone wolf chemist and is the film's lead actor!!!!! Stevens is hired by the owner of a large company called the Life Research Foundation to work on a problem with an experiment on blood!!!!! It quickly becomes evident to Andrews that something is not quite right at the foundation!!! Andrews befriends Paula who he meets working out in a lab while the scientists measure her vital signs!!! Paula's workout outfit has a nice g-string type thing which goes up her spandex clad butt!!! Paula who is played by Heather Thomas is neither all that attractive or a good actress!! Paula becomes real annoying when she gets bit by another woman at the lab who infects her with the curse of vampirism, this makes her have to put on a black leather outfit and act dumb... of course!!!!!! The action level in Red Blooded American Girl is very low and the story moves along slowly with a sense of "who cares about this trash?"!!!!!! It would take a massive amount of boobs to redeem this stupid piece of shit!!!
Directed by David Blyth
*


Stripped to Kill (1987)- (Feat. Kay Lenz, Greg Evigan, Norman Fell)
Why yes, Stripped to Kill is every bit as good as it sounds and looks!!!! When someone starts killing strippers at the "Rock Bottom" strip club, it is up to detective Cody Sheehan (Kay Lenz) to go undercover as a stripper... duh!!!!! By the end of the film Sheehan discovers that she gets a thrill from stripping and hesitates at the thought of giving it up...?!! While the movie's body count is low, the gore is low and the action isn't all that great, there are a lot of stripping scenes where strippers use sets and outfits way cooler than anyone would find in real life and they all have radical, 80s-style big hair!!!!!! Stripped to Kill that says it all!!! Go find yourself this gem and you will be the envy of all your friends!!!!!!! P.S. the Grim Reaper chick strip-scene during the final showdown is so hot?!!!!
Directed by Katt Shea Ruben
**


The Attic (1980)- (Feat. Carrie Snodgress, Ray Milland)
Carrie Snodgress proves that she can rock it with the best of actors at being crazy in "The Attic"!! Traumatized by the disappearance of her husband-to-be right before her wedding years in the past, Snodgress spends her days watching old videos of them together while crying or drinking on the job while being head librarian!!! Perpetually depressed and socially awkward things don't look good!!!!! Snodgress befriends a fellow librarian who is younger than her and finds some comfort and joy in their relationship!!!! Her friend even buys her a pet monkey which her father hates!!!! Her father played most excellently by Ray Milland, is wheelchair-bound, mean, manipulative, and constantly trying to crush his daughter's fragile ego more and more so she is stuck living with him and no future!!! The Attic is all about its characters and the end is really cool and messed up!!!!! Certainly more of a suspense film than a horror film, people who enjoy watching people doing a great job of being insane will enjoy this show!!!!! While certainly not for today's Scream and Saw watching ADD youth, The Attic is quite a masterpiece!!!
Directed by George Edwards
***


The Cage (1988)- (Feat. Carol Kane, Lee Grant, James Olson)
Carol Cane sets a new level for what it means to be crazy in "The Cage"!!!! Rather like The Attic this movie has a small cast of great actors that truly make the film!! In The Cage, Cane is the younger sister of Lee Grant who takes care of her because she is much too troubled to ever leave the house. The cage in the movie was made by the sisters' father when he was still alive to house a pet monkey for Cane which she named Mafu!!! Cane goes through a lot of Mafu's as she is prone to going into blind rages where she beats them to death!!!!! After killing her "Mafu" she demands another or threatens to harm herself!!! It is a good thing she has an uncle who deals in exotic animals!!!!! When in a non-hostile state, Cane spends her days dressing up in strange African garb, listening to tribal music on vinyl, drawing pictures of Mafu or playing with Mafu!!!!!! Cane has a severe dislike of being touched by anyone other than her sister who she likes to touch a little too much considering they are sisters!!!!!!! As the movie progresses Cane seems to become more and more demented until she kills her final Mafu!!! Good stuff, dark ending!!!!!!
Directed by Karen Arthur
***
The Cage- Video Clip of Carol Kane Being Crazy About Mafu!!!!!


The Escort (1997)- (Feat. Shauna O'Brien, Landon Hall, Scott Coppola, Robert Ruth, Bob Mortensen)
Note to director- don't make the star of your movie the shittiest actor!!! Second note- if your shitty actor is a female escort and the whole point of your movie is for her to constantly take off her clothes, don't make her the least attractive person in the movie with the worst haircut!!!!! That said, The Escort sucks big time- which is why it is so cool that RH Jones felt the need to write his name on the box and video cassette so that no one would steal it?!!!!! Yeah RH Jones, we know what you were doing with this movie!!!
Back to the point, The Escort is dumber than a stupid boner and its plot blows- Killer female escort (Shauna O'Brien) moves in with a couple who are looking for a house mate!!!! For unknown reasons she wants to ruin the wife's life and does a good job of it!!!!! No good actors in this film, terrible script, amateur direction, boring!! O'Brien isn't that hot and you instantly get tired of her always taking her clothes off!!!!! Very few films can boast such a hate able and terrible star!!!! Theatrical Waste!!!!!!
Directed by Gary "Sucks Big" Graver
*
The Escort- A Video Clip That Demonstrates This Film's Shit-Dump Acting!!!!!!


The Nesting (1980)- (Feat. Robin Groves, Christopher Loomis, Michael David Lally, John Carradine, Gloria Grahame)
The Nesting starts out with a lot of potential, seemingly a good and creepy haunted house film, after about 30 minutes however, the story turns crappy and the film ceases to give the willies!!!! The acting and filming are fine, trust Uncle Jack though, this film is a waste of time!!!!!!
Produced and Directed by Armand Weston
*


The Ripper (1985)- (Feat. Tom Schreier, Wade Tower, Mona VanPernis, Andrea Adams)
Ahhh, this movie is garbage but the very low-budget, gut-ripping out scenes are excellent!!!! A crappier story is hard to find, the acting is horrendous and the filming sucks balls which makes for some good unintentional humor!! Story- A professor who is teaching a class on Jack the Ripper finds a big, ugly ring at an antique store that belonged to Jack the Ripper!!!!! You guessed it... the professor puts on the ring and it won't come off!!!!! And you also guessed it... at night the professor turns into Jack the Ripper because of the cursed ring!!!!!! The transformation into Jack the Ripper is so complete that it even comes with a cape and top hat, yes, it also comes with an awesome change of actor, enter "TOM SAVINI" one of the worst actors in the world with shitty, fake, red eyes!!! The professor is unaware of his nightly mutilation sessions of random women and the fact that he is so lucky as to turn into TOM SAVINI!!!!!! The professor's girlfriend is weird looking, with a giant neck, terrible haircut, and a god-awful acting ability!!!!! Fortunately a really annoying and ambitious student from the professor's Jack the Ripper class figures out who is behind all the town's murders just in the nick of time so the weird looking and stupid girlfriend can be saved!!!!! Terrible, terrible film, but at least it is so bad that one can often laugh at it!!!!! View at your own risk!!!!!!!!
Directed by Christopher Lewis
*
The Ripper- Video Clip of Two Scenes of Mutilation and a Bad Rap!!!!!!!


There's Nothing Out There (1990)- (Feat. Craig Peck, Wendy Bednarz, Mark Collver, Bonnie Bowers, John Carhart III, Claudia Flores, Jeff Dachis)
This horror-comedy film is apparently a cult classic, or at least so the box says!! The film's creature is interesting looking in its cheesy, latex crummyness!!!!! There's Nothing Out There tells the story of a group of "high school" students who decide to spend spring break at a cabin in the woods where they can party all they like! Unfortunately for the kids, a small, green creature with suction cup hands is killing and eating things in the area!!!! There's Nothing Out There is one of many horror films which makes use of the character who is obsessed with horror films and is always convinced something terrible is going to happen because of it, horror film jokes in horror films are always funny aren't they?!!!! Overall this film is mildly amusing, a bit tiresome at times but worth watching for the 1$ price tag it had on it!!
Written and Directed by Rolfe Kanefsky
**


Cheerleader Massacre (2002)- (Feat. Tamie Sheffield, Charity Rahmer, Erin Byron, Leonard Johnson, Samantha Phillips, Gigi Erneta, Brinke Stevens, Melissa Brasselle)
Cheerleader Massacre is the worst film in the Massacre series from New Concorde Video, others include- Sorority House Massacre and Slumber Party Massacre!!! Cheerleader Massacre was filmed with a cheap camera and the director's use of lighting and artistic technique is poor to nonexistent!!!!! The acting is terrible, and judging by the looks and skills of much of the cast, I believe they obtained most of their experience in the porn industry!! An attempt is made to tie the film into the original Slumber Party Massacre which allows for a good 5+ minutes of flash-back footage!
Story- a cheerleading team gets stranded on a snowy mountain when their van breaks down!!! They find refuge in a cabin in the woods!! While enjoying their cozy stay, they discover an escaped mental patient is lose in the area!!!!! The best part of the film is when the power goes out and the team's coach who always seams to be wearing only a training bra for a top, decides it is time to take a shower! Conveniently, the power is on in the bathroom!!!! Thus, the viewer can watch the coach as she thoroughly washes her giant, fake boobs!!!!!! As with most of the Massacre movies most the young ladies do take off their clothes at some point!! Worthless movie, nice boob washing!!!
Directed by Jim "I Suck" Wynorski
*
Cheerleader Massacre- Video Clip of a Blood Spurting-Decapitated Body!!! Best Gore in the Film!!!!

 


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