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VARIOUS HORROR FILM REVIEWS 5!!!!!


Clownhouse (1990)- (Feat. Nathan Forrest Winters, Brian McHugh, Sam Rockwell, Viletta Skillman, Timothy Enos, Karl Heinz Teuber, Frank Diamanti, Tree)
Clownhouse is one of the worst movies about killer clowns!!! It is certainly no "Killer Clowns from Outer Space" which is a film that everyone should see!!!! Clownhouse is slow and boring and tells the tale of a young boy who has nightmares about clowns and wets his bed!!!! The bed wetting is the best part of the movie!!!!! When the boy goes to the circus with his two older brothers the clowns scare him!!!! When the boys return home they discover that escaped criminals dressed as clowns are waiting to kill them!!!! This movie could have been decent if not for the poor directing and lame script!!! Only a couple people fall victim to the not so scary clowns before the boys dispense with them in boring ways!!!! The star clown- "Cheezo" is played by a guy named "Tree", swell name!!! Don't watch this!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Victor Salva
*


Vampire Journals (1996)- (Feat. Jonathon Morris, Kirsten Cerre, David Gunn, Ilinka Goya, Dan Condurache, Starr Andreeff)
Vampire Journals is yet another vampire film under the belt of Ted Nicolaou, the writer and director of Full Moon Video's "Subspecies" trilogy!!!! Vampire Journals lacks the different monsters which could be found in the "Subspecies" trilogy and it contains less make-up effects!!! The Vampire Journals' vampires just have fangs, no additional ugliness!!! The story is weak and the acting is mediocre!!!! There is no real reason to watch this film unless one is obsessed with everything vampire!!!! The movie ends in a way which certainly suggests that they were considering making a sequel, fortunately I don't believe this ever happened!!!! There are many better Full Moon videos to watch like "Puppet Master" or "The Seed People"!!!!!
Written and Directed by Ted Nicolaou
*


The Kiss (1988)- (Feat. Joanna Pacula, Meredith Salenger, Mimi Kuzyk, Nicholas Kilbertus)
The Kiss is a classic 80s horror film which everyone should see!! The Kiss features decent special effects for the time and the villain- Joanna Pacula does a great job of being creepy and weird!!!
The story begins in Africa where a young girl receives an cursed kiss from her aunt that turns the girl evil and leaves her aunt a dried out corpse! 25 years later that girl is now a famous model and is destined to pass on her wicked powers to her niece!!! Traveling to visit her niece on a seemingly innocent trip, Pacula begins using her powers to kill her niece's family and friends one by one!!! No 80s horror experience is complete without watching this show!!!!!
Directed by Pen Densham
***


Office Killer- (Feat. Carol Kane, Molly Ringwald, Jeanne Tripplehorn)
Office Killer is a dark comedy about Dorine (Carol Kane) and her troubles with her co-workers at a magazine publisher! When Dorine accidentally electrocutes a verbally abusive man whom she works with, she suddenly discovers that he is much more pleasant dead and takes him home for company! Soon Dorine is killing co-workers and girl scouts left and right, helping to rid the world of all trouble makers!!! The scenes of Dorine hanging out with rotting corpses in her basement, repairing them with packing tape and painting their nails are definitely the highlight of the show! A humorous film with good acting, blood and guts, and good filming!!!! Worth the watch!!
Directed by Cindy Sherman
***


Shadowzone (1989)- (Feat. David Beecroft, James Hong, Shawn Weatherly, Miguel Nunez, Lu Leonard, Frederick Flynn, Louise Fletcher)
Shadowzone is another Full Moon Entertainment flop!!!! NASA "hyper-sleep" researchers accidentally uncover a parallel dimension when heightening their test patients dream levels!!!! An invisible evil is unleashed which can materialize as a persons worst fear!!! The evil force turns into dumb things like a giant rat, a mutant monkey, a deformed girl and not much else!!! Most death scenes are cut abruptly before the person actually dies or the crappy blood splattering on walls technique is used!!! The monster/scientist which is pictured on the cover of the box is in the show for a second at the very end and does look kind of cool but like all the other special effects it comes as quickly as it goes!!!! A real stinker cheap on special effects, fairly boring and dumb!!! Not recommended!!!!
Written and Directed by J.S. Cardone
*


Scalpel (1976)- (Feat. Robert Lansing, Judith Chapman, Arlen Dean Snyder)
Scalpel is "a fiendishly clever thriller," just as Playboy magazine is quoted as saying on the front of the box! Scalpel also boasts "a Hitchcock surprise ending," just as Cinefantastique magazine claims!!!
The film is about a plastic surgeon who stumbles across a badly beaten stripper that he realizes he can transform into the exact likeness of his lost daughter in order to collect more than one million dollars in inheritance money!! After the surgery the surgeon convinces the stripper to pretend to be his daughter!!! After quite some time learning how to be someone she is not the stripper is ready to meet the family and collect the money which the surgeon's deceased father left for his granddaughter!!! Soon after acquiring the money things begin to slowly go from bad to worse!!! Good acting, twisted characters, and a good level of suspense which leaves one anxiously watching until the unexpected end!!!!
Directed by John Grissmer
***


Dracula's Widow (1988)- (Feat. Sylvia Kristel, Josef Sommer, Lenny Von Dohlen)
Dracula's Widow is an OK film! Sylvia Kristel who plays the part of Dracula's widow is a terrible actress!!! She is definitely the worst actor in the movie!!! That aside, there is a nice scene of Kristel killing a group of Satanists in a bath of fake blood!!! Josef Sommer plays a man who looks like he stepped right out of a Cure video from the 80s who accidentally winds up with the coffin of Dracula's widow at his Hollywood House of Wax!!!! Soon after Kristel rises from her tomb she enslaves Sommer and begins the hunt for her husband only to discover that he was killed by Van Helsing long ago!!!! People get killed, Sommer has troubles with his girlfriend and a suspicious cop is on Sommer's case... The story is not really that amazing or interesting!!!! For fans of the film "Emmanuelle" which gets mention on the front of the box, Sylvia Kristel does not get naked again so if that is why you want to watch this be warned!!! Dracula's Widow is a film which is worth viewing if one finds it for around a buck!
Directed by Christopher Coppola
**


Confessions of a Serial Killer (1992)- (Feat. Robert A. Burns, Dennis Hill, Berkeley Garrett, Sidney Brammer, Dee Norton)
The box for this movie is top notch because it is a blatant attempt to get in on the popularity at the time of "Silence of the Lambs", the guy on the box is not in the film, and the killer in the movie is never placed in any such outfit!!! Confessions of a Serial Killer is based on the real life serial killer Henry Lee Lucas who was one of America's most prolific murderers!! The villain in this flick has had his name changed to Daniel Ray Hawkins for whatever reason! The movie is dark and sick but all the characters are good actors especially Hawkins and his fellow murderers!!! They are very talented at being creepy!! The story unfolds starting at the end when police have arrested Hawkins and progresses along as he recounts his bloody exploits while under interrogation!!! For fans of disturbing, psycho-killer flicks, you won't be let down!!!!!
Written and Directed by Mark Blair
***


Home Sweet Home (1980)- (Feat. Jake Steinfeld, Sallee Elyse, Peter de Paula, Collette Trug, Vanessa Shaw)
Home Sweet Home is a terrible movie!!! A big, crappy guy who laughs the shittiest crazy laugh escapes an insane asylum, kills a guy in a car and then injects himself with PCP in the tongue!!!! After driving off in the car, the world's most annoying killer hits an old lady and then ends up at a house in the country full of obnoxious people!!!!! There is a really, really fucking stupid kid at the house who painted his face like a mime and runs around playing the electric guitar with an amplifier strapped to his back!!!!! There is also a Mexican girl at the house who can sing and play the acoustic guitar like a piece of shit!!!!! Any way, the world's worst acting, and most irritating killer murders the dumb guitar players and a lot of the other annoying people in boring ways and the movie is like rotten vomit!!!!! Lamest psychopath ever!!!! Rancid script!!!!! Worthless!!!!!!!!
Directed by Nettie Pena
-5*
Home Sweet Home- Video Clip of the Intro to this Stupid Movie with the Killer Injecting PCP into his Tongue!!!!


Scream Baby Scream (made sometime in the 70s)- (Feat. Ross Harris, Eugenie Wingate, Chris Martell, Suzanne Stuart, Larry Swanson)
Scream Baby Scream is filled with lousy actors and a dragging story line!!!!! There is no meat cleaver wielding maniac as is pictured on the cover!!!!! There is a particularly crappy acid trip sequence!!!!! Story- a dumb artist has a stupid girl friend who is also an artist and they get in arguments all the time which makes one wonder why the hell they are together!!!! While at a still life drawing class one day, they meet a strange and famous painter who paints ugly and distorted looking pictures of people!!!!! The painter is taken by the girl's good looks and artistic talent so he has some dirty and deformed men who work for him capture her several nights later!!!!! Soon one discovers the horrible truth behind the painter's secret to painting distorted looking people!!!! There are a couple scenes of humorously crummy make-up on the painter's mad- human reconstruction experiments but, that is all this film has going for it!! Not a very great movie with poor camera quality and poor filming!!!
Produced and Directed by Joseph Adler
*
Scream Baby Scream- Video Clip of the Crappy Acid Trip Sequence and One of the Crummy Looking Bad Guys!!!!!


Mill of the Stone Women (made sometime in the 70s?)- (Feat. Scilla Gabel, Pierre Brice, Wolfgang Preiss)
Mill of the Stone Women is essentially a lift of the old wax museum films, which is indicated on the cover! A sculptor with a very sick daughter captures young women and removes their blood to keep his daughter alive! After the removal of the blood the sculptor mummifies the bodies of the women and then covers them in plaster making realistic sculptures for a strange display which he keeps in the windmill where he lives!!! The quality of the audio is so terrible on this film that it is often hard to make out what is being said!! The video itself tends to be pretty scratchy, splotchy and dark!!! There are a lot of movies which were made both before and after Mill of the Stone Women with very similar plots that are better!! The acting is typical to that of the Hammer style horror films of the time, perhaps a bit worse! Nothing special, not worth watching!!
Directed by- ? (Who cares?)
*
Mill of the Stone Women- Video Clip of the Moving Wax Statues on a Track in the Mill!!!


Murder Elite (1986)- (Feat. Ali McGraw, Billie Whitelaw, Hywel Bennett, Ray Lonnen)
Murder Elite is an English film and as such is a little slow and a bit heavy on the dialogue, despite this fact, the movie gets pretty interesting at the end as a murder plan becomes extremely botched!!! The acting is decent and there is little negative to say about the film other than that the American children of today will never be able to tolerate its slow pace!!! Murder Elite is more of a thriller or a mystery than a horror film and while there is a psychopath committing murders in the woods throughout the story, the body count is low and so is the blood! This movie is all about the last twenty minutes or so, as far as Uncle Jack is concerned if you can make it that far it will be well worth your while!!!
Directed by- Claude Whatham
***


Scream Bloody Murder (1978)- (Feat. Fred Holbert, Leigh Mitchell, Robert Knox)
Scream Bloody Murder weaves the tale of a disturbed young boy who runs his father over with a tractor and accidentally crushes his own hand in the process!!!! The boy has a mental break down, gets a prosthetic arm and is sent to a mental hospital!! Years later when the boy is a teenager he is released to go home!!! Upon his return home the boy discovers his mother has remarried, this greatly disturbs him because his mother is only allowed to love him so he kills his new father and then his mother on accident!!!! From there on things go from bad to worse for the boy as he is forced to flee and finds himself constantly killing people believing they are the ghost of his mother!!!! While Scream Bloody Murder is filmed fairly rigorously and clumsily it only adds to the film's low-budget charm!!! There is some blood but not near as much as the movie's box claims and there is no good reason for Scream Bloody Murder "to be called gore-nography"- it is not that gory, and the film's nudity is limited to a quick shot of a naked woman from behind!!!! All in all though, the actor who plays Matthew- the crazy killer with a prosthetic arm, does a great being insane and makes Scream Bloody Murder worth watching!!!!
Produced and Directed by- Marc B. Ray
***
Scream Bloody Murder- Video Clip of the Hook-Handed Boy's First Killings!!!!!!


The Reincarnate (Feat. Jack Creley, Jay Renolds, Trudy Young)
The Reincarnate is a strange movie!!! The film is not filled with butchery and human sacrifice as the cover art suggests!! The film isn't really a horror film, more just weird!!! The story- a lawyer who is going to die must find a young man to pass his soul on to!! The lawyer is part of an ancient religion called Sekana!!! Those involved in Sekana know how to transfer their soul into a chosen individual when they die as long as they can get that individual to consent and partake in a ritual that involves the sacrifice of a young virgin!! Most of the film revolves around the lawyer trying to convert a young sculptor to the Sekana ways so that his soul and thousands of years of memories can be passed on!!! There is a dumb black cat that kills a couple people!! The acting is fine in this film, the only real faults of The Reincarnate are that the story is both interesting and dumb and the movie is a bit slow! If you like weird shit you might want to check The Reincarnate out, you may discover that you think it is just dumb however!!!
Directed by- Don Haldane
**


Death Valley (1982)- (Feat. Paul Le Mat, Catherine Hicks, Stephen McHattie, A. Wilford Brimley, Edward Herrmann)
The first thing one notices when watching Death Valley is that the movie's star is Paul Le Mat- the kid from the movie A Christmas Story which they play every year at Christmas about 100 times!!! Death Valley was actually made before A Christmas Story and also features Paul Le Mat dressing up as a cowboy!!!!! The movie begins with Le Mat leaving for a vacation with his mother to Death Valley!! Le Mat's parents recently separated and much of the film revolves around the inner turmoil which this causes him, especially because his mom has a new boyfriend who travels with them on their trip to Death Valley!!! While on their trip, Le Mat notices a creepy looking old car that seems to keep following them around and ending up in places where murder victims are found!! Being a bright little boy Le Mat begins to put two and two together and soon discovers that the killer is after him because he knows the killers identity!!! Despite the family drama, Death Valley is well acted and the suspense is done fairly well! This film is worth viewing if one finds it being liquidated at an old video or thrift store!!!
Directed by- Dick Richards
**


Blind Side (1993)- (Feat. Rutger Hauer, Ron Silver, Rebecca DeMornay)
Blind Side is yet another movie that proves Rutger Hauer is an awesome actor!!!!! In Blind Side Hauer plays a man who knows that Doug and Lynn Kaine (Ron Silver and Rebecca DeMornay) hit a Mexican police man with their car on a dark night and fled the scene!!! Hauer shows up at the couple's house in California saying he just came from Mexico and would like a job at their furniture design firm!!! Spooked by Hauer's need to say he had just been in Mexico the couple does not know what to do!! Hauer keeps popping up and saying random things that it would seem only someone who had seen the crime would say!!!! Afraid of being locked up in a Mexican jail, the Kaine's give Hauer a job and soon figure out that that is not all he wants!!! This film says it is the "unrated version" but, it doesn't really mean anything, it is just a gimmick!!! DeMornay never gets naked in a way which shows anything- for all those who might hoped that is what "unrated version" means!! Hauer totally rocks in this thriller and Silver and DeMornay do a good job of being paranoid victims so just watch this mofo!!!!!!
Directed by Geoff Murphy
****


Lethal Victims (1992)- (Feat. Martin Landau, Frank Stalone, Jerry Van Dyke, Terry Moore)
While this video was released by Magnum Video in 1992 it was clearly made in the 80s! Magnum video collected some super low-budget films from the 80s that never received any circulation- about vengeful women who were sexually wronged by men, and released them in a series called "I Will Dance On Your Grave"!!! The series was clearly inspired by the film "I Will Spit On Your Grave" which was about a woman who was gang raped in the bayou and then sought bloody revenge on the men responsible!!! A very joyous film!!!! Any way, Lethal Victims is about a center for women who were victims of rape which decides that the law isn't doing enough to stop the crime and punish those responsible!! So, the group of women drive around in a van and capture rapists and then use a brand to burn rapist onto their ass and dump them in public places with signs declaring the specifics of their crime!! On occasion the women kill the men because their lives are threatened or they fear the men will escape!!! The highlight of the show is a hispanic woman who cuts off her assailants dick and shoves it in his mouth after stabbing him!!!! The dick removal is not shown but photos of the aftermath are and they are swell!!!!! Lethal Victims is a dark and cheesy movie with terrible acting but it does feature Sylvester Stalone's brother Frank Stalone!!!!!!! And Martin Landau!!!!!! Regardless, no needs to view this film!!!!!!!
Directed by Raphael Nussbaum
*
Lethal Victims- Video Clip of the Severed Dick Scene!!!!!


Savage Vengeance (1992)- (Feat. Vicki Lahl, Don Castanet, Jack Webber, Jim House, Nikki Riggins, Jack Clout, Bill Lair, Bill Sweeney)
As on can see, Savage Vengeance is another film in Magnum Video's "I Will Dance On Your Grave" series!!! Like Lethal Victims, Savage Vengeance was really made in the 80s!! There is no doubt that Savage Vengeance is one of the worst films ever made!!!! SV was filmed with what must have been the cheapest VHS camcorder available at the time!! The film quality is extremely blurry for a good portion of the film!!! There is no use of lighting and no use of anyone who can act at all!!! Most importantly SV has the most annoying soundtrack ever and if you are stupid enough to watch this film you will soon discover that no matter how terrible of a soundtrack you have heard before it does not even begin to compare!!!! Imagine a four year old randomly hitting keys on an old synthesizer while playing a crappy drum set crappily!! This extreme ear vomit of a soundtrack is then turned up so loud that it often obscures the film's vomitous dialogue!!!!!
The script for Savage Vengeance is super shit-fuck!!! The film spins the tale of a woman who is gang raped and then kills all her attackers one by one!!!! Years later the same woman goes on a road trip with a fellow classmate to the area where the rape occurred and believe it or not a couple of hicks try it again and they too end up dead! The only scene of value in this whole movie is a guy getting a chainsaw to the head!!! The scene is very crudely done but funny in its lame grossness!!!! SV is certainly one of the top ten worst films ever made!!!!!!!!!! An example of this movie's horribly shit-crap soundtrack will be posted as soon as Uncle Jack gets the chance!!!!!!!!!!
Written, Produced and Directed by- Don Farmer (Drink Liquid Plumber and Die Idiot!!!)
-10*
Savage Vengeance- Video Clip of a Chase Scene With the Crappiest Soundtrack Ever!!!!!
Savage Vengeance- Video Clip of the Cheesy Chainsaw to the Head Scene!!!!!!!


Angel of the Night (2000)- (Feat. ? Fangoria didn't think any of the actors/actresses were worth mentioning on the box!)
Angel of the Night was made in Scandinavia or something, (everybody is blond, most people in the credits have names like Hyldgaard or Ludvigsen, and the architecture is not American) the film was picked up by Fangoria for release in the US!!!! Angel of the Night features lots of chicks and dudes shooting various modern day vampires many, many times with an assortment of guns!!! Apparently where ever this movie was made everyone has guns to pull out of duffle bags when vampires come around!!!! The movie is fairly disjointed and crudely put together!! The story unfolds as two couples discover a book in an old mansion about a vampire named "Rico" who is the great, great grandfather of one of the girls!!! They read random stories from the book which the viewer gets to see visually!!!! Rico shows up at one point during a story as a giant bat man who dismembers his would be assassins and another time as a giant bat that gnaws on a woman's throat!!! The acting is mediocre and many of the vampires are annoying so it is frustrating when the humans just keep shooting them with guns and rarely ever actually killing them! Better movies abound, don't watch this unless you are obsessed with vampires!!!! And yes, since Fangoria released this film there is a bit of blood!!!!!
Written and Directed by Shaky Gonzalez
*
Angel of the Night- Video Clip of a Bullet Filled Run-In With Vampires!!!!


Demonstone (1989)- (Feat. Nancy Everhard, Jan-Michael Vincent, R. Lee Ermey)
Demonstone suffers from multiple personality disorder, it does not know if it wants to be a lousy horror film about a dead monk who possesses a reporter and makes her kill people, or a political thriller type piece of shit!!!! Really horrible, not going to say anything else!!!!!!!
Directed by Andrew Prowse (Eat Bees You Crap Head!!!)
-10*

 


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