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VARIOUS HORROR FILM REVIEWS 3!!!!!

Too Scared to Scream (1982)- (Feat. Mike Connors, Anne Archer, Leon Issac Kennedy, Ian Mc Shane)
While Too Scared to Scream may not be the most exciting film ever made it does feature a lead character who is very good at being disturbingly strange and awkward! The tenants of an apartment building begin ending up dead and the only apparent suspect is the weird doorman/ex-stage actor who all the tenants love! Could it be the obvious choice or is someone else sneaking into the building? The film features a small amount of blood but isn't all that gory! Worth watching for the crazy doorman who is played by Ian Mc Shane I believe!
Directed by Tony Lo Bianco
***
Video Clip of Too Scared To Scream's Crazy Doorman At Home With Mom And A Cop!


Hatchet for the Honeymoon (1969)- (Feat. Stephen Forsyth, Dagmer Lassander, Laura Betti, Jesus Puente, Femi Benussi)
Hatchet for the Honeymoon is the first Mario Bava film Uncle Jack has seen and it proved to him why people rave about the strange Italian director's movies so much! The filming is rad! People's faces are shown on silver dishes while figs are smashed! A weird kid shows up lurking in the halls before all the murders! All kinds of wacky perspective shots and confusing chaos is created by Bava's mad filming style! And, the story rocks... of course!
A rich fashion designer who is married to a woman he despises must kill women in wedding dresses with a small meat cleaver so he can understand a vague memory involving stairs and the voice of his mother! Each murder gets him closer to completion of the memory! The man is quite insane and occasionally talks about it in his voice-over narrative! Dispose of the bodies in the greenhouse incinerator! Excellent stuff for those who like both horror films and weirdness! American horror film directors could learn a lot from Bava!
Directed by Mario Bava
***1/2
Video Clip Of A Bride's Death And Incineration From Hatchet For The Honeymoon!!


Iguana (1988)- (Feat. Everett McGill, Maru Valdivieslo, Michael Madsen, Joseph Culp, Tim Ryan, Augustin Guevara, Fabio Testi)
This movie is perhaps best described as really boring! Everett McGill who has starred in decent movies like Silver Bullet (as the werewolf priest) can act well! In this film however, thanks to the script and directing, McGill's character is bland, and everyone's character is bland and dumb! McGill (pictured on the cover) is the villain of this poorly executed tale! Beaten and scorned for his ugly looks, McGill escapes the whaling ship where he was the best harpooner and becomes the king of a desolate island! As king of his island he captures, kills, rapes and maims all who trespass, he declares war on all of mankind! Far too much time is spent in a vain attempt at character building and the viewer grows to dislike both McGill and all his captives more and more as the show goes on! The fact that only one of his numerous captives attempts to make an escape and kill McGill is highly unbelievable! And worst of all, this film ends with absolutely no resolution and very suddenly, leaving the viewer feeling ripped-off having bother to watch it so long! Did they just run out of budget or is it supposed to be profound?!
Directed by Monte Hellman
*


Reborn (1984)- (Feat. Dennis Hopper, Michael Moriarty, Antonella Murgia, Francisco Rabal)
When Uncle Jack found this film it had a horror film sticker on it, I imagine when looking at the cover and thinking of films such as The Exorcist that this is a common mistake! Reborn perhaps best belongs in the weird movie category! Dennis Hopper is an TV evangelist who rants about the lord, the evils of drugs and what not and carries out the occasional false healing of the blind, sick, etc! Hopper's manager learns of a woman in Italy who can really heal people and pays the church who watches over her for her! She is really, really bizarre and bears the stigmata of Christ which bleed when she is in a deep seizure like trance! The man (Michael Moriarty) who is sent to pick up the woman who they name "Mary" for publicity's sake begins to hear voices before he meets her and when he does meet her he falls for her and her strange untalking ways! Hopper's minions fight to keep Moriarty and Mary apart saying they paid for a virgin! One can't really understand the unusualness of this movie and its strange, old school synthesizer soundtrack without watching it, but this might help, God is symbolized by a helicopter! There is much more emphasis on the synthesized soundtrack and silence then actual talking in this film! Interesting movie, definitely not for everyone, many people will find it a little dull, but for anyone who must watch all films from the land of madness, check it out!
Directed by Bigas Luna
**
Video Clip From The Beginning Of Reborn's Strangest Scene! The Helicopter (God) Appears! Believe Me It Gets Way Weirder Than This!


Blackout (1987)- (Feat. Richard Widmark, Keith Carradine, Kathleen Quinlan, Michael Beck)
A man losses his marbles and kills his whole family with a baseball bat, the man then disappears! A detective in the small town where the murders occurred becomes convinced that the killer hitched a ride in a car which crashed leaving one man dead and the other horribly disfigured and an amnesiac! After massive reconstructive surgery not even the man's dental records are any good so our detective has no way to know for sure if the wreck's survivor is a psycho or not! Determined to make sure the horrible murders do not happen again the detective keeps close watch after the crash victims new life! When killings start again who could it be?! Despite the fact that this movie is very slow and has little of the violence which typical slashers do, the film did leave Uncle Jack very anxious to know who did it, all the way until the end! Decent acting, filming, script, etc!
Directed by Douglas Hickox
**


Fear (1988)- (Feat. Frank Stallone, Cliff DeYoung, Kay Lenz, Robert Factor, Scott Schwartz, Geri Betzler)
Frank Stallone is a bad criminal!!! When fellow white supremacist inmates plot an escape from a prison bus which goes horribly wrong and lands the bus deep in a lake, Stallone and four other inmates escape! Soon Stallone and his comrades, including one very crazy Vietnam veteran (Robert Factor) who murdered his family, find a nice family traveling in a mobil home and take them hostage! One little problem, the father of the nice family (Cliff DeYoung) is a war hero, and his wife (Kay Lenz) has a stupid face with a GIANT mouth which drives Uncle Jack insane! Could her head be any more square?!! The nice family's daughter has an equally square head with a really dumb, little, round chin stuck on it! Stupid ladies heads aside this movie is ok! The crazy Vietnam veteran is at times amusing! There is an awesome shop owner who loves America and gets mad when he learns Factor only killed one "commie" in Vietnam, a big mistake on the shop owner's part! While Stallone appears to be the film's main bad guy when looking at the front of the box it is actually Factor's character! If you find this film for one dollar or free you might want to check it out!
Directed by Robert A. Ferretti
**
Video Clip Of The Prison Bus Riot And Crash From Fear!!
Video Clip Of The Crazy Korean War Veteran Vs. Crazy Vietnam War Veteran From Fear!!!


Murders in the Rue Morgue (1971)- (Feat. Jason Robards, Christine Kaufmann, Herbert Lom, Adolfo Celi, Michael Dunn, Lilli Palmer)
Murders in the Rue Morgue is a sleeper of a movie! There are far too many shitty dream sequences! Too many people getting acid dumped on their face with crummy special effects! A theater troupe puts on plays called Murders in the Rue Morgue where people get fake murdered on stage! Soon cast members begin getting killed for real! Not going to say anything else about this, it is dumbly boring!
*


Alone in the Dark (1982)- (Feat. Donald Pleasence, Jack Palance, Martin Landau, Dwight Schultz, Erland Van Lidth)
Alone in the Dark is a classic 80s slasher flick! Donald Pleasence and Jack Palance are in this film so on that fact alone it should be watched! Pleasence plays a crazy, pot-smoking doctor who runs a sanitarium which uses unusual techniques to treat its patients! Palance is a paranoid-schizophrenic who thinks one of the new doctors killed an old doctor which he liked! The new doctor has a sister that comes to visit him who is totally cool! She has the best 80s hair ever! Side ponytails are awesome, especially in fake orange! The first thing she asks when she shows up to visit is, "are there any rastafarians around here!" Awesome she looks so rasta! Any way Palance and his other murderous cohorts including a killer priest which is very well played by Martin Landau escape to find and kill their new enemy!
This movie teaches you that if a power plant ever fails causing a black-out everyone will go crazy, fight, loot and burn! It is so true?! I remember every time I have been in a black-out that always happens!? The beginning of this film, before Palance and company escape is much better than the last half that gets a little dumb and the story gets some stupid holes but watch it any way!
Written and Directed by Jack Sholder
***
Video Samples From Alone in the Dark-
First Meeting With Dr. Leo (Donald Pleasence) Video Clip!!
Meeting The Violently-Insane Video Clip!!
Meeting Doctor Leo Again Video Clip!
Got Any Rastafarians? Video Clip!!!
How Not To Turn Into Porcelain Video Clip!!!!


Death at Love House (1975)- (Feat. Robert Wagner, Kate Jackson, Joan Blondell, John Carradine, Bill Macy, Sylvia Sydney)
A couple who are writers go to stay in the house of a "celebrated 1930's movie goddess," so they can write a book about the man's father who created a famous painting of the actress! They discover that his father and "Lorna Love" were lovers and Love was involved in black magic! The man who is an exact replica of his father comes under the spell of the supposedly deceased Love and his wife becomes the victim of phantom attacks! One of the better films Uncle Jack has seen as of late!
***


The Stay Awake (1987)- (Feat. Shirley Jane Harris, Tanya Gordon, Jayne Hutton, Heath Porter)
An executed murder/rapist is executed only to return as a satanic, slimy, green, and muscular rat beast in a girl's school during "the stay awake." "The stay awake," is a dumb all night party involving eight girls and one teacher woman who doesn't look any older! They play volley ball, watch movies and participate in other tame activities! Rat beast shows up to turn them into his satanic sluts! There is little gore, lots of bad acting, and no boobs in this film! The rat beast enjoys lighting phones and stereos on fire and grabbing people with his rubber band tongue more than actually killing them! A lame and boring movie with a story full of more holes than moldy, swiss cheese!
Written and Directed by John Bernard
*
Meeting The Say Awake's Satanic Rat Creature Video Clip!!!


Buried Alive 2 (1997)- (Feat. Ally Sheedy, Stephen Caffrey, Tracey Needham, Tim Matheson)
Buried Alive 2 is very similar to the first Buried Alive (there are numerous films called this so you have to find the one with Tim Matheson to get the proper one)! The first Buried Alive was a decent film and so is this one! While Ally Sheedy is highly unattractive and her character is very unlikable her husband and his lover are bad enough that they make the movie worth watching! It is a good thing Sheedy's character gets buried alive in the same town where Matheson's character did ten years earlier so he could rescue her! Don't eat poisonous fish! You might get... BURIED ALIVE!
Directed by Tim Matheson
***


The Final Terror (1984)- (Feat. John Friedrich, Rachel Ward, Adrian Zmed, Mark Metcalf, Daryl Hanna, Ernest Harden Jr., Joe Pantoliano)
The Final Terror is a decent 80s horror film about teens who volunteer to help clear land deep in a forest with a couple park rangers and run into a killer! While many of the characters are prone to spazing out for very little reason- quick to anger, that is the films only real flaw other than having a crappy name! There are some nice scenes of slabs of meat and severed heads!
Directed by Andrew Davis
***


Cathy's Curse (1970)- (Feat. Alan Scarfe, Beverly Murray, Randi Allen)
Cathy's Curse is similar to The Exorcist except that the girl is possessed by a doll which is possessed by the evil spirit of a girl who died in a car crash! Our possessed girl- "Cathy," is much more discrete about her condition than Linda Blair was in The Exorcist also, hiding her evil side from her father who is the only person that she likes! The evil doll has eyes which are stitched shut and look awesome- eyes which are stitched shut always do! There is a small amount of gore- a mutilated dog, a pulverized old man's face and a couple other things! Randi Allen who plays Cathy isn't the best actress but does a pretty good job of being a naughty, possessed child! Cathy's mother (played by Beverly Murray) has such light, grey-blue eyes that it is very disturbing (if you see her you'll understand)! There is a drunk, old handy man/ babysitter, "Old Paul" who is radical and Cathy enjoys helping get him drunk! The film quality is very scratchy as if it were taken right off an old reel from a movie theater! This VHS is most likely difficult to find due to the obviously low budget they had for distribution- cheap paper in a generic black case and only a side label on the cassette that looks like a typewriter could have printed it! Cathy is so evil she makes her mothers food turn rotten (see below)! If one finds this film cheap somewhere it is worth watching but don't search for it that hard it isn't that great!
Directed by Eddy Matalon
**
Cathy Rots Food Video Clip!!!
Cathy Gets "Good Old Paul" Drunk and Hallucinating Video Clip!!
Cathy and Her Evil Doll Scare a Psychic Video Clip!!


Honeymoon (1985)- (Feat. John Shea, Nathalie Baye, Marla Lukowsky, Peter Donat, Richard Berry)
Honeymoon is about a French woman who gets married to a man she does not know and has never met so she can stay in the United States and help her imprisoned boyfriend! The woman is visited by her new husband even though they are never supposed to meet and he won't go away! He is very crazy but she ends up starting to like him any ways! The crazy man who has a dark past is a really awesome character and makes this show quite enjoyable as the viewer wonders what insane thing he will do next! Worth watching!
Directed by Patrick Jamain
***


If Looks Could Kill (1986)- (Feat. Kim Lambert, Tim Gail, Alan Fisler, Jeanne Marie)
A man who runs a video company gets hired by a shady character to video a woman in her apartment in order to dig up dirt! The woman likes to sleep naked, doesn't everyone?!! The maid likes to have sex with the doorman in the woman's bed! The woman never closes the shades to her apartment! Things take a bloody turn and our videographer finds himself in a world of shit! If Looks Could Kill is a film which does a decent job of keeping one on the edge of their seat! Nice twists and turns!
Produced and Directed by Chuck Vincent
***


Man Beast (1955)- (Feat. Tom Maruzzi, Lloyd Nelson, George Wells Lewis, George Skaff, Jack Haffner, Wong Sing)
Man Beast is as exciting as watching flies on dog doo! The woman who is the star of this film has an irritating under bite and an annoying voice! Very low on action, the Man Beasts don't show up very often and not until late into this vomit bag of cinema! The Man Beasts look like very furry teddy bears with tiny heads! The movie's end sucks! Way too much unscientific talk from a tiny cast, crummy sets, crummy crap!
Produced and Directed by Jerry Warren
*
Video Clip of Attacking Man Beasts!!!


The Swamp of the Lost Monster (1970)- (Feat. Gaston Sanos, Manola Saavora, Manuel Donde, Salvador Rodriguez, Lupe Carriles, Sarah Cabrera)
The best part of The Swamp of the Lost Monster is the VHS box because the monster and chick on the front of the box are not in the film! The Lost Monster looks much worse than the creature which is pictured here! As one might guess by the names of all the stars this is not an American production it is Mexican! The Swamp of the Lost Monster has all the quality of a cheap Mexican pulp comic (which Uncle Jack loves unlike this movie)! The film's pluses and minuses- A shitty looking monster, terrible slap-stick humor, extreme boringness, radical horse dancing, a wild west type atmosphere (everyone is a cowboy), and a super lame hero (so lame it makes him a little cool however)! This flick is mostly a piece of crap in the end despite the horse dancing!
Directed by Raphael Bale don
*
Video Clip of Horse Dancing and The Lost Monster Attacking a Very Stupid Guy!!!


Tower of Evil (1972)- (Feat. Bryant Haliday, Jill Haworth, Gary Hamilton, Dennis Price)
Tower of Evil is an English film which starts off with a bang- severed heads, naked corpses, a crazy naked chick with a knife, and then it gets considerably more boring! There is an underlying plot about an ancient cult that never really manifests as one expects it too, and when a really cool looking killer shows up in the end it dies in about one second before one gets a really good look at its face! Too much time is spent on character relationship problems and not enough on blood! Originally called Horror on Snape Island, (the island on which our evil lighthouse is located and from which few can escape alive) Tower of Evil has nice boobs and a nice rotten corpse, but still manages to disappoint!
Directed by Jim O'Connolly
**
Video Clip of the Intro Carnage in Tower of Evil (NOT FOR KIDS CONTAINS NUDITY!!!)


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