VARIOUS HORROR FILM REVIEWS 2!!!!
The Devil Master (1985)- (Feat. Chris Robbins, Ron Hivley)
The Devil Master is so cool! The Devil Master knows karate! This movie has the worst fight choreography in the world but hey, our over weight, long haired Devil Master with an excellent moustache is doing the fighting so... rad dude! Other than a crappy bar fight and karate school action- this film also boasts terrible gore effects! Girls who have been "torn apart," are really just girls who had red paint dumped on them! A man who stabs himself seems to just be wiping the knife on his chest! The tip of a hatchet sticks half an inch into a guys back and he spits blood in another dude's face! And don't forget, getting shot in the crotch with a crossbow bolt will kill you! So what is the story any way?! Our hero, The Devil Master kills all the people who won't play magic games with him by summoning a really shitty looking demon with the help of a naked lady! It seems naked ladies are necessary for casting magic spells at least according to The Devil Master aka Laval! An awesome cop must stop Laval's reign of lame terror! Very poor acting, awful script, lame directing, very low-budget, horrible filming! Despite all these things the film is at times amusing in its worthlessness! Below Uncle Jack has included a video spoiler! The amazing finale of The Devil Master! Don't watch if you are insane and would like to see the whole movie!
Video Clip of The Amazing Conclusion of The Devil Master!!!
Crystal Force (1992)- (Feat. Kathrine Bacall, John Marlo, Jan Marlyn, Kay Malikian)
Don't ever pick up a crystal, especially a large crystal! Demons who like to molest you while you are asleep live inside crystals! Demons made out of really bad, computer-enhanced effects live in crystals! Demon crystals give you bad dreams and kill people! It is also important to note that all middle aged women think it is fun and games to have seances! Don't use a demon crystal in a seance, that makes the demon come out, idiots! A stupid guy named Beazel has a shitty shop that gives out demon crystals so be careful! Acting- terrible, demon costume- terrible, computer generated effects- terrible, crystal demon orgy scenes- not so great! This film is not recommended!
Directed by- Laura Keats
Video Clip of The Demon Crystal Attacking a Priest With its Cheesy and Evil Pentagram Powers!
Dr. Jekyll's Dungeon of Death (Year ? 80s or 70s)- (Feat. James Mathers, John Kearney, Dawn Carver Kelly)
Dr. Jekyll is insane! Dr. Jekyll loves to rant to himself, beat his servants and his lobotomized sister, and molest his drugged love interest! Dr. Jekyll is working on a drug which unleashes man's hidden rage for use in war type scenarios! Boris, Dr. Jekyll's crippled assistant kidnaps men and women for Jekyll to experiment on! This film features a lot of really lame fight scenes between pairs of people who have been injected with Jekyll's serum of brutality! Apparently everyone knows crappy karate when their inner rage is released! James Mathers does a very good job of being a very insane Jekyll, but the rest of the movie is such garbage this film is really not worth watching!
Video Clip of Dr. Jekyll Getting Mad About Ice!!
Dolly Dearest (1992?)- (Feat. Denise Crosby, Sam Bottoms, Chris Demetral, Candy Hutson, Rip Torn)
Dolly Dearest was probably the first knock-off of the most excellent movie- Child's Play! Dolly Dearest changes up the killer doll motif buy having three identical dolls in Mexico become possessed by the soul of a goat-headed, demon-child from 900 years in the past! The dolls use their demonic powers to possess a little girl and make her evil just like them! Denise Crosby of Star Trek The Next Generation fame- plays the mother of the evil girl! Both Crosby and her son figure out fairly early on that the doll is evil and must try to protect themselves and convince others of its evilness (they don't figure out there is more than one until the end)! Like Child's Play's Chucky, these dolls get mean/ugly faces when they are being evil/angry, of course! The end of the movie is weak but Child's Play fans should watch this to get another killer doll film under their belt, besides, Denise Crosby is hot!
(Directed by Maria Lease)
Video Clip of the Evil Dolls Sewing a Man's Hand and Angry Dolly Dearest!!!
Goodnight God Bless (1988)- (Feat. Emma Sutton, Frank Rozelaan Green, Jared Morgan, Jane Price)
This English film starts out with a lot of potential, a man dressed as a priest guns down a bunch of kids on a playground and stabs a teacher! After the intro of carnage the film turns into a very boring slasher where the killer priest is bound and determined to kill one woman, her daughter and a random dog! There is also a crazy amount of time wasted on the story of our hero detective and how he takes the woman and her daughter to amusement parks, boat rides, zoos, etc.!!! If you manage to be as stupid as Uncle Jack and watch the entire film you are rewarded with a very retarded end to the film which seems to vomit in the viewers face, "if you were a big enough dumb ass to watch this all the way through, fuck you!"... Crap!!!!!
Directed by John Eyres
The Carpenter (1987)- (Feat. Wings Hauser, Lynn Adams, Pierce Lenior, Barbara-Ann Jones, Beverly Murray)
A killer carpenter! I would be surprised if this is the only killer carpenter movie out there! This Canadian film is actually surprisingly good considering how cheesy the cover of the box is! Wings Hauser as one would guess is "The Carpenter," a man who likes to work at night finishing the house of his dreams, the only problem is, it is not his house any more! Fortunately for "The Carpenter," the woman who moved into the big, old house with her unfaithful husband, is just as crazy as he is! "The Carpenter" kills anyone who messes with his house or the crazy wife who he comes to love! Good acting for a horror film! Good filming! A really awesome paint store owner who is nuts! Gore effects- not so great, but the insane characters make up for it! The wife in the movie is so crazy that she doesn't even blink an eye when "The Carpenter" chops up people right in front of her (she was recently released from a mental hospital)! This film is worth watching if one stumbles across it!
Directed by David Wellington
Video Clip of The Carpenter Dismembering A Bad Man!
Metamorphosis (1990)- (Feat. Gene Le Brock, Stephen Brown, Catherine Baranov, Harry Cason, Jason Arnold, David Wicker)
A scientist working on a cure for human aging has his budget drastically reduced due to jealousy from other scientists and slow results! Obviously this means the man must test his anti-aging serum on himself! All does not go well! As the scientist begins to mutate he has to kill ... of course!! The best thing about this movie which is sort of slow- is the cheesy thing which the scientist eventually turns into in the end! The conclusion film is amazingly stupid!!!
Directed by GL Eastman
Killing Obsession (1994)- (Feat. John Savage, John Saxon, Kimberly Chase, Bernard White, Hank Cheyne)
John Savage is radical! In Killing Obsession Savage once again proves he can play a great psychopathic killer! John Saxon who is also radical plays a doctor who does not want to see Savage's character released from prison because he is convinced he will kill again, of course, he does! Savage searches the phone book for girls named Annie Warbucks and kills all the ones who are not the girl who's mom he killed 20 years earlier before he ended up in prison! He is convinced "his Annie," is a completely pure individual and freaks out when he realizes she has grown up! Killing Obsession is a pretty good film but it is no "The Killing Kind," which has Savage's best psycho-killer performance ever!
Produced and Directed by Paul Leder
Mardi Gras For The Devil (1993)- (Feat. Michael Ironside, Robert Davi, Lesley-Anne Down)
This movie is complete crap! The story sucks, the acting sucks and the directing sucks!! Michael Ironside plays a very boring and unscary demon who shows up every 30 years or so at Mardi Gras and kills people! Robert Davi is the cop who must stop the demon! Ironside's character jumps around like Spring Heeled Jack and is essentially invincible making all confrontations with him pointless. Stupid voodoo crap is thrown in for good measure and plenty of cut-before-the-killing murders. Mardi Gras For The Devil is highly unrecommended!!!
Written and Directed by David A. Prior
The Dorm That Dripped Blood (1984)- (Feat. Laurie Lapinski, Stephen Sachs, Pamela Holland)
The very first scene in The Dorm That Dripped Blood is great! A guy gets his hand sliced in two, right down the middle! Amazingly cheesy looking, amazingly rad! The rest of the film does not have such awesome gore however! There is a body on a table missing an arm, that is kind of cool! The film tells the tale of five kids left to clean a dorm which is destined to be torn down, needless to say a killer shows up! The end of this film is very good the rest of it is just so, so!
Directed by Jeffrey Obrow and Stephen Carpenter
Hand Slicing Intro Video Clip from The Dorm That Dripped Blood!
The Hearse (1982)- (Feat. Trish Van Devere, Joseph Cotten, David Gautreaux, Donald Hotton, Med Flory, Perry Lang)
The Hearse is one of those rare horror gems which Uncle Jack comes across every now and then which is actually good because it is good, not because it is so bad it is good! While there is an evil Hearse in the film it is not about an evil Hearse! The Hearse weaves a story about a recently divorced woman who suffered a mental break down and decides to take some time to contemplate life at her old family home in a tiny town! The woman quickly realizes no one in town likes her, an evil Hearse seems to want to kill her and her family's house does scary things! The answers as to why all these things happen are hidden in a dead aunt's diary and the knowledge of a dark stranger! Good weird townspeople, good acting, and a good although not entirely original story!
Directed by George Bowers
Blood Massacre (198?)- (Feat. George Stover, Robin London, James di Angelo)
Blood Massacre is a low-budget Texas Chainsaw Massacre with bad acting and hints of the infamous Motel Hell! After a group of really smart thieves hold up a video store and shoot one of the clerks (everyone knows there is lots of money in video stores!) they high jack a car and make the woman driving it take them to her house! It doesn't take long for the outlaws to discover that their seemingly pleasant captives are actually murderous cannibals! Let the cheesy dismemberment begin! Only the most insane of the robbers has a chance of survival- Rizzo, a psychotic Vietnam vet who yearns to be back at war and enjoys stabbing people in the face! The end of this movie made sitting through it seem not so bad- an awesome twist and one of the world's longest stabbing sequences! Rizzo is also really good at making weapons out of crap from the wood shed, like saw blade launchers and mines made out of gun powder and coffee tins! Watch the end!!! This film even boasts three writer/producers- Dan Buehl, Don Dohler and Barry Gold, it is hard to believe this is not the best movie ever with so many writer/producers!!!
Directed by Don Dohler
Video Clip of Rizzo's Home Made- Saw Blade Launching Gun Scene!
Stones of Death (1988)- (Feat. Zoe Carides, Tom Jennings, Eric Oldfield)
Stones of Death is a sort of boring and dumb movie from Australia about a town built on top of a cave where aborigines were murdered! A medicine man begins appearing in the dreams of high schoolers and handing them "kadaicha" or stones of death! Every kid who has one of these dreams is killed by some kind of animal, be it mad dog, spider, or unknown- water snake thing! The same dream sequence is recycled over and over with the different kids pieced into it, very lame, it is not even a cool or scary sequence! The star of the film has to have a more prolonged stalking by death, of course! Bathroom stall doors bang, hands reach out of drains in the floor, and other dumb crap! Don't bother watching!
Directed by James Bogle
Frenchman's Farm (1987)- (Feat. Ray Barrett, Norman Kaye, John Meillon, Matt White, Tracey Tainsh)
Frenchman's Farm is another exciting Australian film! While I thought this film was going to be Texas Chainsaw Massacreish because of the farm implement on the cover and farm being in the title, it is not! Frenchman's Farm is like a weird time travel mystery with ghosts! There are a couple nice scenes of carnage! The star of the film is a really annoying woman with bad hair who you will hate, her boyfriend wears awesome 80s shorts though! The end of the movie has a nice twist but I don't know if it is worth watching just to see it!
Directed by Ron Way
Xtro: Watch the Skies (1995)- (Feat. Sal Landi, Andrew Divoff, Jim Hanks, Karen Moncrieff, Robert Culp)
Aliens + Predator + ET= Xtro: Watch the Skies! This film has nothing to do with Xtro One or Two, obviously someone thought calling it Xtro would capture at least a few viewers from the group who watched and liked the two earlier films (they aren't very great)! A small humanoid creature who looks like ET meets the alien from Communion was imprisoned on a remote island by the US government after they pissed it off by dissecting its mate! Forty years later a crew of sitting- acting, army-explosive-specialists are sent in to blow-up dud bombs which the military tried to drop on the alien! Needless to say our alien who can camouflage itself like the Predator (but a lot cruddier), spit acid, weave webs and grab things with its long tongue, makes quick work of our team of obnoxious and lame individuals! The alien also likes capturing, torturing and dissecting people since that is what the humans did to its mate! The acting and script for this film are so bad it is truly not worth watching! Below I have included the great alien autopsy scene from the film! It looks so real! It must be!!!
Directed by Harry Bromley-Davenport
Video Clip of Xtro: Watch the Skies Alien Autopsy Scene!!!
Superstition (1982)- (Feat. James Houghton, Albert Salmi, Lynn Carlin, Larry Pennel)
Superstition's story line is not very unusual- a witch condemned to death vows to return and exact revenge on further generations! The flick makes up for its uninspired story with an abundance grizzly deaths, for the most part! The best two scenes of carnage happen in the first 5 minutes of the film! Later in the movie there is a pretty nice ghost-powered saw blade through a priest sequence! The ghost-witch attacks people during the day and night on land and in water! There are a number of typical dark shots which are hard to make out and maybe a few too many suspense building journeys through attics and basements but all in all the film is worth seeing! Biggest let down, we only see the hands of the demon incarnate of the witch, and that seems sort of a cop out!
Directed by James Roberson
Video Clip of the First Two Killings in Superstition!!!
Blood Spell (1987)- (Feat. Anthony Jenkins, Aaron Teich, Alexandra Kennedy, Theodora Louise, John Reno)
Blood Spell is a very low-budget horror film that has the feel of a film school student's project! The acting is god awful, the gore effects are bad, and the story and script are crap! Blood Spell tells the story of a boy who is put into a home for emotionally troubled teens so he can escape his evil father! The boy's father finds him very quickly and transfers his wicked soul into his son! After becoming possessed the vile lad takes revenge upon the emotionally troubled teens he lives with every time they make him made! A kid catches on fire, a kid gets ground up in a chipper, and a girl tries to hang herself! The evil kid even uses his powers so that people can't change the TV channel! The best part of this film is the fact that everyone acts like they are retarded! Apparently "emotionally troubled teen" means 20 and 30 year old actors who pretend they are in high school and act retarded! Great! Don't watch this movie it is not bad enough to be funny!
Directed by Deryn Warren
Daughter of Darkness (199?)- (Feat. Mia Sara, Anthony Perkins, Robert Reynolds, Dezso Garas, Jack Coleman)
This is a very boring vampire movie with a very uninspired performance by Anthony Perkins of Psycho fame! Mia Sara goes to Romania to find her father! She has bad dreams which seem to be giving her messages about where to go to find her father! Before she knows it Sara finds herself in a world of not so cool or frightening vampires! Perkins plays Sara's vampire father and he has a really crappy Romanian accent that comes and goes every few seconds! The one nifty thing about this flick is that the vampires have a mouth with tiny teeth at the end of their tongue! If it weren't for the tongues with teeth Uncle Jack would really hate himself for watching this movie all the way through!
Directed by Staurt Gordon
Dead Kids (198?)- (Feat. Michael Murphy, Louise Fletcher, Arthur Dignam, Dan Shor, Fiona Lewis)
Dead Kids is a fairly low-budget endeavor with grainy video quality but the film is fairly good! Kids are murdered by other kids for no apparent reason! The son of the local sheriff signs up to be a human guinea pig in psychological experiments to earn money for college! It does not take long for the viewer to figure out that the strange psychological experiments have something to do with all the killings! Decent acting for a horror film, and interesting story!
Directed by Michael Laughlin
Splatter University (1984)- (Feat. Francine Forbes, Cathy Lacommare, Dick Biel, Denise Texeira)
A woman takes her first teaching job at a private Christian college and learns that the teacher whose position she has filled was previously murdered and the killer was never caught! An assortment of creepy faculty members are introduced into the story to confuse the viewer as to who might be the killer! This film's use of date and location subtitles is amazing! It seems every couple minutes the viewer is whisked off to a new time and place which must always be explained through the use of subtitles! Rad! The acting is very typical of low-budget 80s horror films, and the killer always uses the same knife which is of course... boring! The killer does murder one victim by slicing them across the forehead, excellent technique! The intro to this movie is by far the best part- a bunch of crappy actors over-acting as mental patients in an insane asylum! Overall a mediocre film, but, one could do a lot worse!
Produced and Directed by Richard W. Haines