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SCI-FI AND FANTASY MOVIE REVIEWS 3!!!!!!


Cosmos- War of the Planets (1977)- (Feat. John Richardson, Yanti Somer, West Buchanan, Katia Christine, Vassili Karis)
Cosmos- War of the Planets is know throughout the galaxy as one of the finest science fiction movies ever created!!! Made in Italy in 1977, it is amazing how the movie looks like it could have been made twenty or thirty years earlier!! The costumes in Cosmos are terrible aka great!!!! All the crew wear unflattering, white and red jumpsuits with ridiculous looking red, cloth head pieces!!!! The evil robots in the film look like they were made with cardboard, silver paint, light bulbs, and colored glass! The friendly aliens are bald men who are practically naked and painted blue!!!!!
Story-
A brave space captain who plays by his own rules crashes on an alien planet after being attacked by two alien space ships!!!! While exploring the planet the crew runs across a killer robot, some friendly blue men who can speak telepathically, and a giant, robotic computer brain which is bent on destroying all living creatures!!!! The giant, robotic computer brain looks like a ten year-old could have made it with a cardboard box!!!!!! Way rad!!!!!!!! It amazing how much the captain knows about things which he has never encountered before!!! It is amazing how the spaceship is clearly on a string! It is amazing how robo-brians of the future can give people rabies!!!!! Yes, it is as if Cosmos- War of the Planets was made by the gods!!!!!! Truly high on the charts of best films that rock from sucking, all sci-fi fans must see this movie!!!!!
Directed by Alfonso Brescia
***
Cosmos War of the Planets- Video Clip of an Exciting? Space Walk!!!!
Cosmos War of the Planets- Video Clip of the "Cosmic Love" room!!!!!
Cosmos War of the Planets- Video Clip of an Alien Space Signal!!!


Project : Alien (1990)- (Feat. Michael Nouri, Darlanne Fluegel, Maxwell Caulfield, Charles Durning)
Project : Alien is one of the most boring fucking movies ever made!!!!! This piece of shit has no aliens, it does have some people that get a mysterious disease that sucks!!!!! You will be really pissed with yourself if you are retarded enough to watch this valueless film, you will want to kill yourself and everyone who was involved in making Project : Alien!!!!!!!! Story- there is a crappy government cover-up of a space lab (aka shit lab) crash which releases and experimental disease in Norway where it smashes down in the woods!! A pilot sees the falling shit lab and thinks it is a UFO, thus the alien element!!!!!!!!!!! Watching Project : Alien is as much fun as shoving barbwire up your ass!!!!!!! All the characters are lame especially Darlanne Fluegel's obnoxious, dare-devil pilot/dumb-fuck role!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Frank "My Brain is Made Out of Diarrhea" Shields
-5*


TekWar (1994)- (Feat. Greg Evigan, Eugene Clark, Torri Higginson, William Shatner, Sheena Easton)
TekWar is directed by William Shatner, features Shatner in a small role, and is based on a series of books that were created from concepts by Shatner, despite all this massive Shatnering, TekWar is dull!!!!! The film tells the story of Jake Cardigan (Greg Evigan) who has just awaken from 15 years in cryogenic prison which works great because the prisoners are asleep the whole time so they feel real bad about what they did?!!! After Evigan thaws out he begins a search to find the ones responsible for framing him for the murder of his partners!!!!!! Evigan was also accused of dealing "tek"- a stupid future drug which gives the user a "virtuality" type experience where they hallucinate events which seem completely real after they put a computer chip in a headset!!! While Evigan did not deal tek he did use it and that is one of the first boring things which he does after getting out of cryogenic prison! TekWar's only notable scene is when Evigan goes to some "net" surfing specialists who use headsets and giant gloves to virtually surf the net which can be dangerous in this dumb future land!!!!! And yes, Evigan does get to use the lame looking gun which he is pictured with on the cover that shoots a crappy kind of energy blast!! The acting in TekWar is mediocre, William Shatner's part isn't very interesting, and the script and direction are bland!!! There are three other films that were produced in 1994 in the Tek series- TekLab, TekJustice, and TekLords (which according to one review is the best in the series), Uncle Jack can not imagine any of them are really worth watching, unless you are a diehard sci-fi loving, Shatner fan (Who isn't a fan of William Shatner)!!!!
Directed by William Shatner
**


Arcade (1993)- (Feat. Megan Ward, Peter Billingsley, John DeLancie, Sharon Farrell, Seth Green, Humberto Oritz, Johnathan Fuller)
Arcade is a must see for all fans of shitty, virtual reality movies!!!!! The film is very similar to Evolver- both feature John DeLancie as the representative for a company which makes crappy virtual reality products, in Arcade it is the virtual reality which kills instead of a robot however!!! One knows that they are in for an amazing suck-fest with Arcade as soon as they notice that it was produced by the infamous and almost always sucky Full Moon Entertainment!!!!! The stars of the movie are introduced to "Arcade" in the beginning of the film at "Dante's Inferno"- a really blowjobful arcade which appears to have some fake arcade games on its set! When two kids are getting in a fight in the arcade and one of them trash talks "Arcade" which is about to make its published debut, a sinister voice from another room dares him to come say it to its face- of course it is Arcade talking and like the robot in Evolver, Arcade swears like a drunken sailor when pissed-off!!!!!! DeLancie appears suddenly and tells all the kids to come with him to see "the future" of video games- ARCADE!!!!!! Peter Billingsley of A Christmas Story fame (from A Christmas Story to Arcade? what happened to his career?!!!) is the first to play Arcade since he is the most bad-ass gamer in the room!!! First Arcade memorizes Billingsley's features so he can be accurately depicted in the virtual world, then Arcade tells him to, "kiss reality goodbye" which is the radical game's catch phrase, and then Billingsley finds himself in a black spandex jump suit with a dumb bike helmet and a lame skateboard in a world of shitty computer-generated backgrounds!!!!!!!!!!!
The first challenge in Arcade is to skate through hall ways with rotating spikes on the wall!!!!! This challenge is both retarded and stupid! Billingsley is forced to hit the escape button when a scary yellow glow starts darting around in the corridors!!!!!!!! The next kid to play the game is sucked into the virtual world when everyone else is in another room getting free portable versions of Arcade to take home!!! Soon all the kids who got free portable Arcades are disappearing and it is up to Billingsley and the show's star Megan Ward to find a way to stop Arcade and save the day (this of course means playing the game all the way through until its farty end)!!!! The "virtual reality special effects" which the film's box boasts are so rad?!!!!! While the computer graphics are ok for 1993, they are pretty crummy by today's standards and the fact that they are just backgrounds for players in unflattering, black spandex suits is awesome??!!!!! Certainly one of Full Moon's best-worst movies ever, Arcade is one foul mouthed, crappy, killer virtual reality movie which has to be seen to be believed!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Albert Pyun
***
Arcade- Video Clip of Arcade's Stupidly Cool Premier at Dante's Crappy Inferno!!!!


Beastmaster 3 "The Eye of Braxus" (1995)- (Feat. Marc Singer, Tony Todd, Keith Coulouris, Sandra Hess, David Warner, Casper Van Dien, Patrick Kilpatrick, Lesley-Anne Down)
Beastmaster 3 "The Eye of Braxus" has all the quality of a TV fantasy adventure show such as Hercules or Xena Princess Warrior!!! Since Beastmaster 3 is rated PG you don't have to worry, your whole family can watch this stupid show!! Yes, the movie's hero "The Beastmaster" (Marc Singer) has a sword... but he usually just punches and kicks everyone until they are unconcious which allows for almost no one having to actually die which means parents don't have to explain to their kids what death is!!!!
In this thrid installment of the amazing Beastmaster series, The Beastmaster and his beasts (a hawk, a lion, and two farrets) must stop the evil Lord Agon (David Warner- the famous bad guy from Tron) from harnessing the power of two stones which join together to form, "The Eye of Braxus"!!! The Beastmaster is helped along his way by Seth (Tony Todd better known as the Candyman) who was the body gaurd for the Beastmaster's brother- King Tal who was captured by Lord Agon!!!! The Beastmaster also recieves help from a female mercenary, a dumb guy who is a gymnast/circus performer, and a lame sorceress!!!
Some of Beastmaster 3's highlights include Lord Agon's warlock assistant who wears modern looking glasses which are very out of place, and some South American looking savages who are mostly white guys with dyed hair and an occasional crew cut??!!!! The acting in this film is mediocre at best largely due to the crappy direction, script, and other various crappiness!! When the evil Braxus is finally conjured from the depths of hell in the end of the movie he looks like a cross between Barney and something a little more like a real dinosaur! Braxus also moves like Barney since he is just some dude in a big, akward costume which is probably primarily made out of foam!!! Beastmaster 3 is a fine movie to watch if you are a 10 year old boy, if not skip it!!!!!
Directed by Gabrielle Beaumont
**


Cyborg Soldier (1993)- (Feat. David Bradley, Morgan Hunter, Jill Pierce, Victor Melleney)
Just when you thought you had seen all the Terminator rip-offs, you find out that there are way too many for that to ever be the case!!!! Cyborg Soldier ranks up there with the very worst of the Terminator rip-offs for sure!!!! The movie's star (David Bradley of American Ninja fame!) is never a cyborg as the picture on the front of the box suggests, and despite how shitty that picture is, it is actually cooler looking than the cyborgs in the film!!!
Story-
Stupid cop Jack Ryan (David Bradley) is a lose cannon!!! When some crazy drug dealers get into a war Ryan and his partner disobey orders and take it upon themselves to bring the group of thugs down!! In the process of their failed heroics, Ryan's partner is killed by a wild, bald man named Starkraven who hates Ryan because Ryan killed his brother!!!! Starkraven is taken alive after other cops break up the fight between him and Ryan and he is taken to prison! Shortly after this drama Ryan comes to learn that Starkraven was taken off death row and to a high-tech and secretive laboratory!! At the secret lab the scientists are obviously using death row inmates in their cyborg experiments as is often the case!!!! In Cyborg Soldier the viewer learns that cyborgs are... humans covered in crappy looking rubber suits that are supposed to be metal! Cyborgs have one human arm and one rubber (metal!) arm that has a hand which wears a ski glove with pieces of metal attached to it!!!! Cyborgs also have one human leg and one rubber (metal!) leg with a fancy, silver painted shoe!!!! Cyborgs can remove their ski glove with pieces of metal attached to it and replace it with several lame weapon attachments which they store in their rubber stomachs! The weapon attachments include a dumb looking machine gun and a dildo looking flame thrower which works real sucky!!! Cyborgs talk in a shitty and supposedly robotic sounding voice!! And most importantly, although they are marketed as being almost indestructible, almost any weapon will make them explode!!! Oh, and one more thing... cyborgs are terrible shots!!!!
Enough about amazing cyborg facts, now back to our tale- Starkraven obviously wakes up evil after being turned into a rubber cyborg! He snatches the cyborg control bracelet and runs off with his fellow cyborgs to a factory where they can begin to manufacture a cyborg army!! Unfortunately for Starkraven rubber cyborgs actually suck and Ryan and a scientist chick blow them all up! The end!!!!! Rad huh?!!!!!!!!! For those who have to see every lousy Terminator rip-off, you will most certainly have to watch Cyborg Soldier despite its terrible story, crummy script, farty acting (Morgan Hunter who plays Starkraven really blows at acting!!!!), and the film's horrendous special effects! For fans of movies that are so bad that they are good, Cyborg Soldier might be for you, there are many better-worse films out there however!!!!!!!!
Directed by Sam Firstenberg
**

Cyborg Soldier- Video of the Introduction of the Cyborgs (aka Crapborgs) and the Crapborg Revolt!!!!!!


Zone Troopers (1985)- (Feat. Tim Thomerson, Timothy Van Patten, Art La Fleur, Biff Manard)
Zone Troopers starts off as a crappy WW2 action flick which is low on action and eventually adds a dumb science fiction twist!!! A group of American soldiers who are lost behind German lines discover a secret Nazi research base which is studying a UFO that crashed in a field! After helping a stupid alien (the bug gorilla thing on the front of the box) who seals itself in an egg every night escape from its Nazi captors, its American saviors are amazed to discover that it eats cigarettes!!!!! On the run from the Nazis with their new alien friend who can make people hallucinate that hot women are hanging out with them in a cave, how will they survive??!!! Maybe blue men will land in the forest to rescue the bug gorilla and lend the Americans a hand with their vaporizer guns??!!!!! Trust me, the movie sounds better than it is!!!!! This soup of war movie, sci-fi and comedy doesn't work!!! The story is dumb, slow and boring! The acting in mediocre and so is everything else!!! The only thing of note about Zone Troopers is all the work they put into making the crashed space craft in the field, too much work considering how butt fruit the rest of the movie is! Not Recommended!!!!
Directed by Danny Bilson
**

Zone Troopers- Video of the "Zone Troopers" Hanging out in a Cave and Some Dumb Things the Alien can do!!!!!


Time Walker (1982)- (Feat. Ben Murphy, Nina Axelrod, Kevin Brophy, Robert Random, James Karen)
Time Walker is an amazing combo of an alien movie and a killer-mummy movie!!!! Story- An earthquake reveals a secret room inside King Tut's pyramid!!! Archeologists discover a sarcophagus which has the inscription "Noble Traveller" on it!! The sarcophagus is taken to a university in the US to be studied!! Before disturbing the contents of their find, the archeologists x-ray the giant chunk of stone! When the x-ray tech notices what looks like a secret compartment containing 5 crystals he sneaks in at night and retrieves them!!!! After stealing the crystals the tech x-rays the sarcophagus again so he has images which don't show the gems!!!!
Thanks to improper use of the x-ray at very high radiation levels, the mummy inside the sarcophagus comes to life and leaves his centuries old home! The next day during a press conference the archeologists are horrified to find their mummy missing and assume it stolen!! To make matters worse, a young man touches some green fungus which was on the ancient vessel and has to be rushed to the hospital because the fungus eats flesh!!!!!
The mummy or "Noble Traveller" who is now on the lose begins killing people and trying to get back the five crystals! The mummy infects its victims with the flesh eating fungus! Of course, to top of all the troubles- a big frat party is happening on campus with an Egyptian theme, so lots of people are roaming around dressed as mummies!! This average horror film has little gore, few deaths and is not frightening!!!! The alien in mummy's clothing is a great concept however and some of the film's stupidness is entertaining!
Directed by Tom Kennedy
**



Star Force (1987)- (Feat. Jo Shishido, Tatsuya Azuma, Miyuki Tanigawa, Choei Takahashi, Tsutomu Yukawa, Hiro Tateyama)
Star Force aka Fugitive Alien 2 was made for Japanese TV back in 1987!!! The movie is hard to follow, extremely low budget, has a terrible dubbed script which is over acted and it features scenes of action which are unexciting!!! This means... fans of horrible sci-fi films need to see Star Force, the movie certainly deserves a place high in the rankings of best worst sci-fi films ever!!!!!
Star Force begins where the original Fugitive Alien apparently left off- Baccus III a space ship from Earth is on a quest to locate and destroy a superweapon which is in the hands of the sinister Black Armada!!! Fortunately the crew of Baccus III has a general from the Black Armada who defected and is now helping find the superweapon!!!!! After Ken uses his Star Wolf (a class of elite soldier from another planet) strength to survive the pressure of driving Baccus III through a black hole (wow! trippy fx?), the crew finally arrives at their destination!!!!! They land their spaceship (which is full of signs printed in messed up English which rock!!) on the secret planet and quickly discover that their enemy looks just like Japanese soldiers from WW2!!!!! Somehow Ken and the crew of Baccus III manage to infiltrate the base of this high-tech? military and destroy the superweapon!!!!
Now... prepare for a horrible cut and a total change of story!!!!! Ken keeps seeing his mother who he thought was dead!!! Stuff happens... Ken has to return to his home planet and kill his former teacher, the planet's leader!!!! Ken's old teacher has a helmet just like Darth Vader's but without the face mask!!!!! He also has a samurai sword and make-up which makes him look like a member of KISS!!!! What will happen????!!!!!!
The spaceship models in Star Force are great??!!!!! The special effects are so rad???!!!!! Want to see something terrible?!!!! Watch Star Force!!!!
Directed by Minoru Kanaya and Kiyosumi Kuzakawa
**


The Fire Next Time (1993)- (Feat. Craig T. Nelson, Bonnie Bedelia, Justin Whalin, Ashley Jones, Richard Farnsworth, Jurgen Prochnow)
Uncle Jack thought something was wrong with this video when he put it in to rewind and it was working towards three hours, then he read the back and saw that The Fire Next Time was a TV mini-series in 1993 and is 180 minutes long!!! Before people were talking much about global warming this show about a family's struggle in a world which is falling apart thanks to the toxicity of human life was released!!!!
The Fire Next Time tells the tale of Drew Morgan (Craig T. Nelson) a fisherman who is running out of fish to catch and what happens when a major hurricane hits the Louisiana town where he and his family live!! The Morgan's pack what little they have left into a few bags and board a barge heading North on a river, their ultimate destination- a town where everything isn't dry or on fire and everybody wears white!!!! Various drama occurs throughout the film, grandpa dies, the daughter runs off with a hippie-Earth cult, the son falls in love with a militant group which is headed for Canada where the weather is fine, etc.!
Film highlights- the crappy modifications which are done to cars to make them more environmentally friendly and sun radiation proof and are never explained, the youngest son who disappears all the time because he is not important in regards to anything that happens, the fact that everyone is supposed to wear hats all the time for protection from the sun but are shown without them frequently because they interfere with being able to fully view the characters, Morgan's wife's (Bonnie Bedelia) shirt which is always wet from sweat and sticking to her big boobs, the eldest son's (Justin Whalin) shitty acting and how much his character sucks....
The Fire Next Time is a pretty cheesy movie but the over-the-top and generally crappy drama is often amusing!!!!! A good hangover or rainy day film!!!
Directed by Tom McLoughlin
**


The Final Combat (1983)- (Feat. Pierre Jolviet, Fritz Wepper, Jean Reno, Jean Bouise, Christiane Kruger)
The Final Combat is a very artistic and well done movie about the world after some type of unspecified catastrophe!!!! Few people are left alive in the world and they are almost all men!!!! Humans have also lost the ability to talk, so it doesn't matter that this is a French film because there is no dialogue!!
The Final Combat stars Pierre Jolviet as "The Man", a man who is trying to build a plane from scraps so he can escape the ruined city in which he lives and the men who live in its car graveyard!!!! After "The Man" steals a car battery from the car graveyard and narrowly escapes from the men who live there, he manages to get his plane working and he flies over a vast desert until he runs out of gas!! "The Man" crash lands next to the ruins of a town where he meets a doctor (Jean Bouise) who he befriends and helps battle off attacks from"The Brute" (Jean Reno), a man determined to get into the doctor's well fortified hospital to see what he is hiding in it!!!!
The Final Combat is filmed in black and white and its characters are all plenty interesting despite the fact that they can't talk! The Final Combat is yet another film about the savagery which man resorts to without technology or order, however, it is one of the more interesting ones which a person can find!!!!! The Final Combat will be appreciated by people other than the young ADD folks of today who require camera shot changes every two seconds, and constant action- it will be appreciated by people who like artistic, thoughtful and strange things!!
Directed by Luc Besson
****

 

 


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