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SCI FI AND FANTASY MOVIE REVIEWS 2!!!!


Alien Predators (1986)- (Feat. Dennis Christopher, Martin Hewitt, Lynn-Holly Johnson)
Alien Predator is a fine horror film from Spain!!! Three young Americans touring Spain in an RV- which has a radical dune buggy in tow, run into zombie like humans in a remote Spanish town!!! The humans are hostile and possesed by the "alien predators" which they carry inside their bodies until they are ready to hatch out of their faces and attack any unlucky persons nearby!!!! Not all that action packed, this movie does boast some nice special effects of 3 foot long alien bat creatures bursting from people's heads!!! Acting, script, etc. is typical of medium budget horror films of the time and nothing is particularly bad! This film is worth viewing if you find it lying around somewhere for a couple bucks!!!
Written, Produced and Directed by Deran Sarafian
**


Ravager (1997)- (Feat. Bruce Payne, Yancy Butler, Salvator Xuereb, Juliet Landau)
If it were not for the copious quantities of terrible computer animation in this stinker of a film Uncle Jack would most certainly have to resort to using descriptive words such as fucking sucky trash shits!!! Fortunately however, Ravager does contain a lot of horrible computer animation an ugly spaceship, space, and some other lame crap, it is quite funny by today's standards and not really very high tech for 1997 either!!! Other than the CG however Ravager is an anomaly, how can films so crappy be made?!!!
After crashing on a planet that looks like a field of dirt, the spaceship's crew must search for supplies to repair their ship!!! The crew uncovers a dump for a bio-weapon called "Ravager" and some of the toxic material gets on one of the crew!!! The toxin makes a tiny bit of blood get on the man's face along with a couple small white spots!!! Now he is the murderous "Ravager" determined to kill and infect the rest of the ship's crew!!!! The crap fuckiness of most of this film can't properly be explained in words!!!!! If left with the choice of a broken glass sandwich or watching this movies, trust Uncle Jack, eat the sandwich!!!!!!!
Directed by James D. Deck (Perhaps you should listen to Ozzy Osbourne's "Suicide Solution" Deck?!!!!)
* (that star is for the crummy CG not the rest of the film that gets -10*)
Ravager- Video Clip of the Preview for this Lousy Film!! Notice the Rad Computer Graphics!!!!!!


Encounter at Raven's Gate (1988)- (Feat. Steven Vidler, this box only mentions Vidler?!!! That is not very nice!!!)
Fucking ear STDs this film is worse than Ravager!!!! A dumb light kills some cows and shakes things on a farm in Australia where they do boring ass stuff!!!! Oh yes, the light also makes one man violent before cooking him in the very end!!! Terrible, boring story, average acting, crap!!!!! This film compares itself to "Madmax", how dare it!!!! They are both from Australia the similarities end there!!!! Don't ever watch Encounter at Raven's Gate, you will feel robbed of 85 minutes of your life!!!!!
Directed by Rolf Deheer (Go kill yourself with James D. Deck!!!!!!!!)
-1,000*


Not of this Earth (1995)- (Feat. Michael York, Parker Stevenson, Richard Belzer, Elizabeth Barondes)
Not of this Earth is about an alien in human disguise who is sent from his home planet in search of fresh blood! The blood of all the alien's race is tainted and rotting and he must find a cure!!! As the alien goes about his quest for a cure, he hunts down innocent victims and uses and alien device to drain them of their blood and "life essence"!!! The unfortunate victim is left dead and in a mummified state!! Turning to a hospital for help the alien uses his mental powers to enslave a blood specialist into a search for a cure!! The alien also hires a nurse from the hospital to give him daily blood transfusions!!! The nurse- unaware of the alien's true identity due to its human form, begins to get suspicious as strange this go on in the mansion where the alien resides!!!!
This film has some decent latex based special effects of alien beings and carnage!!! Despite the fact that everything seems to be thrown together just fine decent acting, script, etc., the film still falls fairly flat, I suppose it is the result of everything being just ok, nothing great!!!! One could watch something much worse but also something much better!
Directed by Terence H. Winkless
**


Mandroid (1993)- (Feat. Brian Cousins, Jane Caldwell, Michael Dellafemina, Curt Lowens, Patrich Ersgard, Costel Constantin)
Full Moon Entertainment once again proves that very few companies can make movies as shittily as they can!!! Mandroid has all the goodness of a comic book for retarded people!! Somewhere in "Eastern Europe" two scientists created a powerful new element that gives off such intense radiation in the enriching process that only "Mandroid" a crappy robot which is controlled by virtual reality can manipulate it!!!! This new element is derived from mushrooms which are found in the walls of an abandoned mine!!!! Mandroid smashes the walls to get out the mushrooms!!!!! Sound cool yet?!! Mandroid is invincible unless of course you stab him with a metal pipe in the eye!!!!!! When one of the scientists tries to steal Mandroid to sell to a shady US government agent, things go wrong and the mushrooms spray him in the face and he turns ugly!!! All this radicalness is made better by the fact that the movie ends abruptly and the viewer learns that they made a vomitous sequel which they will have to watch in order to know if evil will triumph over good! The only reason this movie is rated R is because in the last couple minutes of the film there is a boob, other than that the target audience seems to be 10 year old boys!! Worthless Trash!!!!!!
Directed by Jack Ersgard
*
Mandroid- Video Clip of Mandroid Getting Cave Mushrooms!!!!!


Invasion from the Inner Earth (1988? or earlier)- (Feat. Paul Bentzen, Debbi Pick, Nick Holt, Karl Wallace, Robert Arkens)
There is a reason why the cover of this movie makes it look like stupid crap, because it is!!!! Martians who previously colonized the center of the Earth decide they are board and come out to make mankind disappear with smoke bombs!!!! This is not a joke, various color smoke bombs show up all the time and make people disappear!!!!! There are a couple shots of what looks like pie tins suspended from strings which are supposed to be ufos!!! The Martians can shut down machinery and electronics at will!!!!! They talk to people on short wave radios to try and figure out where they are hiding!! No, the viewer never gets to see these martians!!! Most of the movie follows the trials and tribulations of a few guys and a weird looking girl who are out in a cabin in the snowy wilderness!! They try and figure out what is going wrong back at civilization with their short wave radio and they talk to the martians on their radio too! The end of this movie is really weird!!! Invasion from the Inner Earth was certainly made by hippies who got the terrible idea on an apparently stupid acid trip!!!! The directors name is listed only as Ito?!!! This film is too boring to watch! Go get some smoke bombs and pretend they are making you disappear, it will be much more entertaining!!!!!!
Directed by ITO (THAT IS RIGHT... ITO!!!! P.S. ITO YOU SUCK)
*
Invasion from the Inner Earth- Video Clip of Pie Tin Alien Smoke Bomb Attack!!!! (video is a little scratchy)


Creepozoids (1987)- (Feat. Linnea Quigley, Ken Abraham, Michael Aranda, Richard Hawkins, Kim McKamy, Joi Wilson)
Creepozoids has almost the exact same story as the movie Hybrid which was made 10 years later!!! It cannot be a coincidence!!!! A band of crappy, ex-soldiers takes shelter from an acid rain storm in an abbandonned industrial complex which was being used by the government for DNA altering experiments in order to make the ultimate killing machine!!!!! The only thing still remaining in the facility is food, a giant rat, lab equipment, and a crummy creature that looks similar to the one on the front of the box only shittier!!!! There is even a scene where a woman discovers a shower like in Hybrid and decides she must use it asap!!!!! Unfortunately Creepozoids' shower scene involves a chick and a dude not 2 chicks like Hybrid!! Like in Hybrid once people start getting killed by the monster they can't leave the building due to the acid rain!!! Toy uzis which were painted black serve as the amazingly retarded laser guns for this film! Don't try too hard guys!!! Watch the budget?!!!! Another point of awesomeness which differs Creepozoids from Hybrid is the Chucky like baby which is half human half creature and pops out of the monster in the end of the film!!!! The baby then goes on to continually jump on and then get thrown off of the last remaining human in one of the dumbest fight scenes ever!!!! Terrible acting, lousy dialogue, boring, and dumb!!!! Stick with Hybrid, although it has a much worse looking creature it does have much better boobs and the two chick shower scene!!!!!
Directed by David DeCoteau
*
Creepozoids- Video Clip of the Best Special Effects in Movie, Toxic Food Reaction!!!!


Thrillkill (1987)- (Feat. Laura Robinson, Diane Reis, Colleen Embree, Kurt Reis)
Thrillkill has fairly little to do with "high-tech" computers and nothing to do with a deadly video game as the box suggests!!! This lame movie is just about a programmer who embezzles some money from various different banks, hides it in a public locker and then imbeds the locker number inside of a computer program before she is murdered!!!! The programmer's sister occasionally plays a stupid game with a light gun while she attempts to figure out how to get the locker's number and location out of the computer! Bad people posing as cops show up and try to trick the girl into helping them find the money!! Boring as hell and stupid, there are no reasons to watch Thrillkill!
Directed by Anthony Kramreither and Anthony D'Andrea
*
Thrillkill- Video Clip of the Stupid Video Game from the Film!!!!


Warlords of the Twenty-First Century (1982)- (Feat. Michael Beck, Annie McEnroe, James Wainwright)
Warlords of the Twenty-First Century is one of the many crappy films which were made to cash in on the success of "Mad Max"!! The movie's hero, Hunter, rides a methane powered motorcycle which looks a lot like the one on the box!!! He makes the methane from chicken shit!!!! Wow!!!!! The film's villains are a band of thugs who drive around in the "Battletruck", a heavily armored semi-truck with machine guns that can plow through houses!!!! The villains are headed by an ex-military man named Colonel Straker who wants control over all the gasoline he can find and all the humans who remain after some type of world-wide collapse of law and order!!!! When Straker attacks a peaceful farming village he enrages Hunter and his poop powered motorcycle and it is time for war!!! Mediocre acting, mediocre action, mediocre.... mediocre.... find something better to watch!!!!!
Directed by Harley Cokliss
*
Warlords of the Twenty-First Century- Video Clip of "Battletruck" Attacking a Village!!!!!


American Cyborg "Steel Warrior" (1994)- (Feat. Joe Lara, Nicole Hansen, John Ryan)
American Cyborg is a crappy rip-off of both Terminator and Cyborg!! The film's acting is quite weak and so is the script and story!!!! Joe Lara plays tough man Austin in a lame future world where cyborgs enforce the law and women have lost the ability to bear children!!! While out scrounging for things to trade to a weapons dealing arab, Austin meets Mary (Nicole Hansen) and rescues her from a gang of deadly gay men!!!!! Convinced Mary can get him a stash of RZB (a crappy future food which is injected like a drug) Austin escorts her to the ocean where a ship is waiting to take a fetus that she has in a jar!!!!!! The movie's cyborg wears a black leather outfit... of course, and is capable of regenerating limbs and healing himself!!! Austin's battles against the cyborg are dumb and pointless because it just keeps healing itself!! There is a twist towards the end of the film which really doesn't matter because the whole movie sucks! Watch at your own risk of boredom!!!!!
Directed by Boaz Davidson
*
American Cyborg- Video Clip of the Cyborg Destroying the Arms Dealer's Hideout!!!


City Limits (1984)- (Feat. Darrell Larson, John Stockwell, Kim Cattrall, Rae Dawn Chong, Robby Benson, James Earl Jones)
City Limits sucks!!! This film must have been made with ten year-old boys in mind because they are the only ones who could possibly appreciate it! Story- in the bad future a plague wipes out most of the people on the planet except for kids!!! The kids who survive get motorcycles and form dumb gangs who agree not to fight each other as long as they stay on different sides of a line in the city!!!!! Sunya corporation comes to the city to try and restore power and civilization through brutal force!! The gangs have to join forces and weld plates of steel onto their bikes so they look rad! The end... more or less!!! Several big names make appearances in City Limits- Rae Dawn Chong as a member of the Clippers bike gang, Kim Cattrall as a member of Sunya corporation who is sympathetic to the plight of the smelly gangs, and James Earl Jones as the adoptive father of one of the Clippers and a creator of radio-controlled airplanes which explode!!!!! You get to see Kim Cattrall's boobs for a second in this movie, that is the only worth while thing which happens!!!
Directed by Aaron Lipstadt
*
City Limits- Video Clip of a Shitty, Motorcycle Dual Between a Member of the Clippers and the DAs!!!!!


Zero Population Growth (1971)- (Feat. Oliver Reed, Geraldine Chaplin, Don Gordon, Diane Cilento)
Zero Population Growth stars Geraldine Chaplin and Oliver Reed- who acts like Oliver Reed, aka really strange, always talking in a quite voice!!! The film takes place in the future when the world has become over populated and the air toxic to breath!!!! In order to cope people have to wear weird, glass respirators when ever they go outside, and women are no longer allowed to have babies!!!!! To help with the need many humans have for children, the government supplies ugly dolls which are supposed to look and act like children!!! Chaplin and Reed play a married couple in the film who have no interest in the creepy dolls!! Obsessed with the idea of having a child, Chaplin does not use the abort machine after sex and becomes pregnant! The couple is forced to find a way to hide their secret because the punishment for having a child is death!!!! The future world of Zero Population Growth is cool!! People entertain themselves by going to museums where they watch other people act like they were living in the 70s and they look at all the dead plants and animals which became extinct due to the pollution!!! There is even an exciting display of a man putting gas in his car! Zero population Growth is a good film for fans of old school science fiction and Oliver Reed!!!!!!
Directed by Michael Campus
***
Zero Population Growth- Video Clip of Diane Cilento Having Difficulties Loving Her Fake Child!!!!


Prisoners of the Lost Universe (1983)- (Feat. Richard Hatch, Kay Lenz, John Saxon, Kenneth Hendel, Ray Charleson)
A TV news reporter (Kay Lenz), an electrician who knows the art of the samurai (Richard Hatch), and a scientist (Kenneth Hendel) are accidentally transported into a parallel dimension (Vonya) by the scientist's dimension transport machine!!! Vonya is full of savage people who speak english of course!!!!! There are also crappy, Creature from the Black Lagoon type monsters, blue men with dart guns that are powered by berries, and zombie things in dirty robes!!!!!!
Vonya is ruled by the evil, human warlord Kleel who is played by the great John Saxon!!! Kleel captures the scientist and in order to save his life the scientist makes gun powder for Kleel and two muskets which Kleel uses to crush all who oppose him and his army of thugs!! Kleel treats women as slaves (oh, if only that were reality) and inevitably ends up capturing Lenz who he wants to be his queen! Needless to say it is up to the samurai electrician, a blue man, a big hairy dude, and a small theif to save the day!!!!
The special effects in Prisoners of the Lost Universe are very cheesy! Keep your eye out for the papier-mache boulder that falls apart as it rolls down a cliff!!! Most of Vonya's creatures are very human like so little effort has to go into creating them!! The acting is ok, the action is mediocre, some of the characters are dumb, and the story is pretty much like that of a stupid Wizard of OZ, but there are worse things to watch!!!!! Kleel rocks! Women should do what men say!!!!!
Directed by Terry Marcel
**
Prisoners of the Lost Universe- Video Clip of Hostile Midgets with Glowing, Red Eyes, and Meeting the Blue Man!!!


Nirvana (1997)- (Feat. Christopher Lambert, Diego Abatantuono, Sergio Rubini, Stefania Rocca, Amanda Sandrelli, Emmanuelle Seiger)
Nirvana is an Italian movie, this great Korean edition of the film is dubbed in English with Korean subtitles!!! Nirvana stars Christopher Lambert (who dubs himself) as Jimi Dini, a programmer in the future who creates a game where the lead character Solo (Diego Abatantuono) becomes conscious of himself and of the fact the his is controlled by whoever is playing the game!!! Solo talks with Jimi and tells him that he is tired of repeating the same series of events over and over again each day, being chased by the mafia, talking to a dumb hooker, etc.!!!!! So, Jimi feels bad for his creation's dilemma and goes on a journey to find somewhere that he can hack into the future internet using a virtual reality helmet and erase the game!! Jimi is also on a quest to find his girlfriend (Emmanuelle Seiger) who recently left him!
The future world through which Jimi roams is very Blade Runnerish as one would expect and fairly strange!!!! The film bounces between Jimi and his quest and Solo and his misadventures in a video game world that is oblivious to the fact that it is just a game!! The movie is sort of slow and there is very little gun smoking action, however, Solo is an awesome and funny character, Christopher Lambert is always rad, and the dark future world and many of its characters are often interesting!!!!!! Uncle Jack's friend Lance Benriksen says this film is a lot like The 13th Floor but Uncle Jack hasn't seen that so he can't say so from personal experience!!!! A must see for all sci-fi and virtual reality movie fans!!!!!!!
Directed by Gabriele Salvatores
***
Nirvana- Video Clip of Christopher Lambert's Visit to a Deadly Virtual Reality Competition!!!!


The Adventures of Hercules (1985)- (Feat. Lou Ferrigno, Laura Lenzi, Cindy Leadbetter, William Berger, Carla Ferrigno)
The Adventures of Hercules is incredibly horribly acted but you don't watch this film for the acting!!!! You watch TAOH for the awesome animated electricity monster and the amazing final battle between Hercules and the wicked King Minos that takes place in the stars when they are "pure energy" (aka cool line drawings)!!!!!! Their "pure energy" takes on the forms of snakes, gorillas, and men with swords!!!!! Can you say high-tech and amazing?!! Any way, the story- three rebellious goddesses steal Zeus' seven magic thunderbolts and hide them inside seven evil beasts!!!! When Zeus calls Hercules back to Earth from the heavens to retrieve the thunderbolts, the three goddesses resurrect King Minos and his evil science to stop him!!!!!! This film's crummy special effects, crappy acting, and LOU FERRIGNO make it so bad that it is definitely GOOD!!!!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Lewis Coates
***
The Adventures of Hercules- Video Clip of Hercules Battling Energy Monsters and the Gorgon!!!!


Space Rage (1986)- (Feat. Michael Pare, Lee Purcell, John Laughlin, Richard Farnsworth, William Windom, Harold Sylvester, Lewis Van Bergen)
Space Rage is known throughout the universe for its cosmic level of sucking!!! Other than a shitty looking space shuttle in the beginning of the film, absolutely no effort was made to make this movie appear futuristic in any way! A young Michael Pare plays a really lame criminal who is sent to the penitentiary planet of Botnay Bay after he shoots up some people in a bank heist!! Pare plays such an unbelievable and boring villain that the viewer instantly hates him and loves the fact that he gets so much screen time!!!! Space Rage's highlight is when Pare first arrives at Botnay Bay and one of the guards explains to him and his fellow inmates why they use 21st century weapons like shotguns and revolvers rather than future guns!!!!! The guard says they use them because they get the job done, the viewer knows it is because this dumb fucking movie has no budget and they were too lazy to make futuristic looking weapons or sets!
Richard Farnsworth (the old dude on the cover) plays an ex-future soldier who isn't really in the film that much until the end when he puts on a stupid black uniform and gets out his old, double-barrel shotgun to kill Pare and his fellow inmate escapees!!! Oh yes, they use gas-powered dune buggies in future space penal colonies! Trash acting, trash script, trash everything!!!!!!!!
Directed by Conrad E. Palmisano aka "I Suck Balls"
-2*
Space Rage- Video Clip of the Only Scene to Have Anything Futuristic Looking- A Space Ship!!!! Also the Shotgun Explanation!!!


SHE (1985)- (Feat. Sandahl Bergman, Quin Kessler, David Goss, Harrison Muller, Gordon Mitchell, David Brandon)
SHE is most certainly one of the worst fantasy films ever created!!! While the picture on the cover and the reference to Conan make one think that this film takes place in some ancient and barbarous land, it actually takes place in the future after an apocalyptic war destroys technology and modern civilization! For some never really explained reason, SHE (Sandahl Bergman) rules this crappy future land with a bunch of sword wielding women!! When a man and his friend are attacked by a group of thugs known as the Norks and his sister is taken to be a slave, he is informed by a wise man that only SHE knows where the land of the Norks is!!!!! After assorted stupidness, SHE accompanies the man on his quest to find the Norks despite the legend that a man would be her death!! The evil beings which they meet upon their journey include dancing vampires, a big hairy man in a tutu, an obnoxious jokester dressed like a stupid Davey Crockett and Lepers with chain saws!!!!!!! Bergman plays a very unbelievable warrior queen and she moves around the screen awkwardly due to the fact that she is always trying to suck her stomach way in, which looks really weird! SHE is one of those films which has to be witnessed in order to properly understand the magnitude of its retardedness!!!
Directed by Avi Nesher
*
SHE- Video Clip of One of the Movie's Most Annoying Scenes!!!


The Warrior and the Soceress (1984)- (Feat. David Carradine, Luke Askew, Maria Socas, Anthony DeLongis, Harry Townes)
While this movie isn't that great there are three reasons why everyone must watch it!!! 1- David Carradine is the star and he is awesome!! 2- the sorceress who is in the film never has a top on, as is the case with many of the other women on the world of Ura!!!! 3- there really is a chick with four boobs just like on the cover of the box and she dances topless until one of her boobs shoots out a thing which puts Carradine to sleep!!!!!!!!! The special effects crew did a good job of making it look like she really has four boobs!!!!!!
Story- David Carradine plays Kain a warrior-priest who wanders the desert world of Ura hiring out his swordsman skills to the highest bidder!! When Kain comes across two castles battling over the water in one well he senses a chance to get money and get the two groups of savage men to kill each other! When Kain meets the topless sorceress who is being held captive by one of the kings he decides to free her and help the helpless villagers gain control over the well!!! A topless dancer with four boobs!!!!! Stop reading this and go watch the movie!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by John Broderick
***
The Warrior and the Sorceress- Video Clip of the Dancer With Four Boobs!!!!!! THIS VIDEO IS NOT FOR KIDS!!!! IT SHOWS A WOMAN WITH BOOBS- FOUR BOOBS!!!!!!!!!!


Xtro (1983)- (Feat. Bernice Stegers, Philip Sayer, Simon Nash, Maryam D'Abo, Danny Brainin)
Xtro is an English, killer-alien flick from 1983 that rocks for the most part! Since it is English, Xtro has that little bit of extra-special weirdness which seems to come naturally to that country's films!!! The acting is good for a sci-fi/horror movie and the filming and story is more strange and artsy than most movies of those two types!!
The Grisly Tale- A young boy and his dad are out in their yard playing with the family dog! Suddenly a bright light engulfs the two and the dad disappears!!! A couple years later the dad returns to his family and it soon become apparent that he is not the same man, perhaps not even human!! After the boy catches the dad eating his pet snake's eggs, the father tells the boy that they both have special powers and that the boy should carefully try to develope his own!!!! Soon the boy learns to move objects and create them just by thinking about it!! The boy even turns a toy clown into a live, midget clown which helps him kill!!!!!!!! The mental powers are a bit far-out and stupid (the midget clown!) and the last third or so of the movie is a little too strange in a dumb way due to them being the focus! The creature effects and some of the other weird/grossness in Xtro definitely make them film worth watching however!!! The father's skeletal/slimy/lizardy form which he returns to earth in is worth watching the film for alone!!!! Ultimately despite its flaws, Xtro is one of the better alien films one can watch!!!!!!!
Directed by Harry Bromley Davenport
***

Xtro- Video of Xtro's Gory Birth into a Human Form!!! THIS VHS IS OLD AND DIRTY!!!! SOME GLITCHES APPEAR IN THE CLIP!!!!!


Xtro 2 "The Second Encounter" (1991)- (Feat. Tara Buckman, Jan-Michael Vincent, Paul Koslo)
Xtro 2 is a very crappy alien film which has nothing to do with the first movie except that it has the same director who failed horribly this time!!! Xtro 2 is basically just another stupid "Alien" wanna-be movie which fails as almost all other copycats of that film do!!!! Plot- when some dumb scientists at a secret under-ground facility somewhere in the USA use a machine to travel to another dimension, something goes wrong and they unknowingly bring back something evil with them!! A woman who was on the team that traveled to the dimension which should have been called the "Shitty-Lame Dimension"- becomes ill and has a creature explode out of her stomach when no one is around! The creature immediately crawls into the air ducts and starts to seek people out one by one and kill them while rapidly expanding in size!!!! A small group of soldiers with large guns (all of whom are bad actors) must destroy the monster before the high-tech facility they are in proceeds with a radio-active cleansing of the facility!!!!!! B movie star Jan-Michael Vincent plays a scientist who traveled to the "Shitty-Lame Dimension" before and had to blow-up the whole facility where he worked in order to destroy the "Retarded-Dumb" monster which was released that time also! Xtro 2 has nothing good about it what so ever, even the monster is unoriginal and uninteresting looking!!!!!!! F-!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Harry "What The Hell Was I Thinking This Time" Bromley Davenport
-1*

 

 


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