SCI FI/ FANTASY MOVIE REVIEWS!!!!
Hybrid (1997)- (Feat. John Barrymore III, Brinke Stevens, Tim Abell, JJ North, Ted Monte, G. Gordon Baer)
In the future people will wear crappy body armor and use cheap shotguns from the 1980s! In the future there will be terrifying "ion storms" because aliens and man fought a really shitty battle which mostly consisted of blowing up broken cars in vacant lots! In the future the aliens and their space ships will be from some lost footage from another film because they are way better looking than anything else in this film! There will be an intro space/earth battle of man versus alien that lasts about one minute and is never explained! WOW, the future is good! Unfortunately, the now of watching Hybrid won't be so good!
A small band of lame individuals hide from one of the infamous "ion storms" in an old, scientific laboratory aka the concrete plumbing tunnels under some building! Soon they discover a mutilated body and a scientific journal which says experiments to create the ultimate soldier were being held in their building! The ultimate soldier is made out of a human combined with alien, snake, and cockroach DNA, everyone knows that! This ultimate soldier will look like a slimy and pokey version of the kid TV show character BARNEY! Great! Don't try so hard next time Hybrid movie guys!
This film's highlight is when the two women discover a shower! They get really excited, they haven't taken a shower in so long! Unable to decide who should go first, they both go at they same time and the viewer is treated to a fine sequence of butt and boob washing! Boy they sure do look like they have fun washing each other! The next best scene is when our hero gets a little cut from Slime Barney which obviously means he should go have sex with the nurse (JJ North)! Hey, you can always worry about killer monsters later! Hmm, JJ North sure has unnaturally large boobs! And last but not least there is the important Slime Barney has sex with Brinke Stevens scene, mmmm more ultimate soldiers! This movie is bad enough to be fairly funny, not a lot of gore but plenty of the boobs which monster films are also known for!
Produced and Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Video Clip Of The Hybrid Gang Killing A Rat And Finding A Corpse!
Video Clip Of A Fight With The Crappy Hybrid Monster!
Crime Zone (1988)- (Feat. Peter Nelson, Sherilyn Fenn, Michael Shaner, David Carradine)
The future is full of straight neon lights all over the place for no apparent reason! In the future people aren't allowed to live together unless they are upper class citizens! In the future rich people pay to hibernate in boxes made from cheap plastic! In the future lower class citizens have to pay for sex! In the future David Carradine makes a crappy and brief appearance as the head of future world's security! In other words, Crime Zone sucks! The budget is miniscule, the script is terrible, the acting mediocre, and the sets are lame! Best of all, you will be bored by this "post-holocaust Bonnie and Clyde"!
The story- a stupid guy fired from law enforcement falls in love with a prostitute and they are offered transport to a better land if they rob shitty future banks and steal computer disks! David Carradine is the man who says he can take the couple to a place where they can be together without breaking the law if they do as he says! Carradine's performance is far from good enough to save this film from being a turd!
Future guns sure look a lot like a bb pistol Uncle Jack had as a kid! There are really good future computer scenes that look like they were made on an old Macintosh with Super Paint! Radical! When it comes to this film- just don't do it!
Produced and Directed by Luis Llosa
Robo Chic (1990)- (Feat. Kathy Shower, Jack Carter, Burt Ward, Phil Proctor, Kip King)
Robo Chic is a movie which most certainly proves an old saying of Uncle Jack's, "every movie AIP Studios makes is a piece of crap"! The acting is so bad one can't believe it! The script is so bad one can't imagine it! The budget is so low one can't fathom it! If you have ever watched AIP films before even you will be amazed by the wretchedness of this piece of work!
Robo Chic is a slapstick action flick written by, starring, and directed by people from the special education mini-bus! If there is any justice in the world everyone involved in the making of this film died a horrible death! The only redeeming quality of this film is Robo Chic's wig which looks like a giant, dead poodle?! Hands down the worst fight scenes Uncle Jack has ever witnessed, nobody bothered learning stage fighting here in the slightest! There really isn't anything more worth saying about Robo Chic and her Robo Car's lame quest to stop a nerd's bombs from blowing up her city and ending the universe's crappiest riot scenes! Don't forget the biker gang in this film known as, "The Devil's Onions"! Uncle Jack will be posting scenes from this film shortly, they are the only way one can begin to understand how this is one of the worst films ever made!
Directed by Ed Hansen and Jeff Mandel
Video Clip of Robo Chic With Robo Car And Robo Chick Breaking Up A Riot!
Video Clip Of The World's Shittiest Shootout From Robo Chick!
Galaxina (1980)- (Feat. "Playboy Playmate of the Year" Dorothy R. Stratten, Stephen Macht, Avery Schreiber, James David Hinton)
There is truly nothing worth saying about this piece of shit! This film sucks as much as Robo Chic but with a higher budget so it is much more of a disgrace! Uncle Jack was an idiot for watching this entire film just like he is an idiot for watching all of Robo Chic! Galaxina is "a machine with feelings" who can buy all the parts she needs to function as a real woman through a catalog! Galaxina pilots a lame space ship while its human crew members sleep in special chambers! Galaxina is Dorothy R. Stratten a Playboy Playmate of the Year! The slap-stick and childish humor in this film is so bad that Uncle Jack laughed precisely zero times, he did do some frowning! All anyone needs to know is that Dorothy R. Stratten never takes her clothes off and that is the only good thing which could have possibly happened in this stupid piece of fuck! A picture of this film's robo chick star is below!
Directed by William Sachs (May you have birds peck you eyes out for making this trash!)
A Video Clip Of Crappy Future Bikers And A "Human" Restaurant From Galaxina To Prove How Much It Sucks!!!!
The Arrival (1990)- (Feat. Joseph Culp, John Saxxon, Robin Frates, Robert Sampson, Michael J. Pollard)
The only thing this film has going for it is that John Saxxon is an FBI agent who shows up every now and then and he IS COOL! The story- a meteor crashes in a family's back yard and an alien life form comes out of it and infects the grandfather! The old man soon finds himself dreaming of human blood and killing women when he sleep walks! The female blood causes the old man "Max" to begin to grow younger and stronger! Max crosses the country killing as he goes and looking for a lost love! Basically a dumb and boring vampire tale with a twist! Don't waste your time here- the end is stupid! Did I mention John Saxxon is rad!
Directed by David Schmoeller
The Last Dinosaur (copyright 1993 but this film is much older- bell bottoms!)- (Feat. Richard Boone, Joan Van Ark, Steven Keats, Lutmer Backley)
Basically this movie is as good as watching flies on rotten dog terds that really, really smell! Judging by the abrupt cuts and jumps in the story I would say this is a film which was never completed- for good reason! Some entrepreneur got their hands on this incomplete crap in 1993, pieced what they could together and said, I call thee "The Last Dinosaur!" The lame story is- a laser blasting/oil boring vehicle in an arctic sea finds itself inside a volcanic lake surrounded by evergreen forests that don't look anything like dinosaurs should be there but of course, they are! After four of the five crew members are eaten by a tyrannosaurus rex, the last crew member escapes to tell his tale!
The owner of the oil drilling company is the world's richest man and most famous hunter- Masten Thrust (sounds like a good porn star name)! Needless to say Thrust has to go find this man eater and study it (aka hunt it eventually obviously)! After telling the world he his going to capture the dinosaur for study he takes his laser-drilling vehicle which is just barley big enough for 5 people (how the hell is he going to fit a t-rex in it?) and returns to the secret world! What is cool?! Thrust only brings a small rifle, a photographer, two scientists, and an African guide with a spear to deal with the most dangerous carnivore the world has ever known! They also camp in tents in the middle of a field while waiting to find the dinosaur! Real safe! They discover this lost world is full of all kinds of crappy dinosaurs and cavemen, of course! The cavemen are stupid, dirty guys with long hair and beards! The dinosaurs are people in real sucky rubber suits! As one can imagine things don't go well and the movie sucks more and more as it goes along until you have to shut it off because you can't handle the suckiness anymore! Holy crap and poopy!
Directed by Alex Grasshoff
Fighting The Rubber T-Rex Video Clip From The Last Dinosaur!!
Telepresence (1996)- (Feat. David Angus MacDonald, Blair Hampton, Michael C. Lucas)
Telepresence is an absolute must see for anyone who enjoys amazingly shitty sci-fi movies and crummy old-school computer animation! Our story- in the future humans on an asteroid use their minds to control extra sucky looking robots to fight bugs which are armed with lasers! The bugs and robots are in distant locations so our asteroid heroes are safe... or are they?! All robot versus bug scenes are computer-generated animation sequences constructed by the wonderful Hash, Inc.! The robots are armed with lasers on their upper arms so they have to walk around looking extremely stupid pointing their elbows at what ever they want to shoot! The robots have lame heads with three big spikes sticking out where the mouth would be! The viewer never gets a good look at the bugs because they are always shrouded in space fog! The robots are so awesome they require two human minds for controlling them! The humans who control the robots have a big plug in their spines which they use to connect to future-computer shit! If our heroes' future-computer shit malfunctions blood sprays out of their backs and they die! Using one's mind to commence robo-bug war is addictive and causes people who do so too much to become irrational, dangerous and hallucinate- no surprise! Will the humans find the bug nest and kill them all... what do you think?!!!!
The script is terrible, many scenes are shot looking through windows or other sound proof situations so people look like they are talking but the viewer can't hear anything, this definitely must have made dialog writing easier! All the actors are sweating all the time and since none of them are attractive this makes them even less pleasant to look at! The ultimate fighter of bugs is middle aged and has the worst comb-over ever, don't worry pal- no one notices! There is much more dialog than action, but the talking is all dumb and thus mildly entertaining! Oh very important- they have virtual reality sex just like in Demolition Man! This film really has to been watched in all its glory to be truly appreciated, below is a video sample of the preview for Telepresence (watch out they do a good job of making the movie look much more exciting than it really is!) there is also a video clip of the first and longest robot versus bug computer-animated battle! Enjoy!
Written and Produced by Martin Hash and Raymond V. Di Carlo
Sound Track GASOLINE SALLY!(Who the hell are they?) (Way to go on doing the sound track to such a shitty movie guys!)
SOFTWARE BY HASH, INC. (Good job designing the crappiest computer generated robots ever!)
Directed by Raymond V. Di Carlo (Do you think you could try and think up a fancier sounding name for yourself next time dude?!)
****- (FOR DOING SUCH AN EXCELLENT JOB OF SUCKING!!!)
Telepresence Preview Video Clip!!!!
The First and Best Robot Versus Bug Computer Animation Scene!!!!!
Nukie (199?)- (Feat. Glynis Johns, Ronald France, Steve Railsback, Sipho Mlangeni, Siphiwe Mlangeni, Sam Ntsingi, Fats Dibeco, Michael McCabe, Kurtis Kent, Janice Honeyman)
Nukie is a great movie for people of any age!!! Nukie and his brother crash land on earth!!! Nukie lands in Africa while his brother (Mieko) lands in the evil US which instantly sends out their alien recovery team from NASA, captures him and stuffs large tubes up his giant nose and begin toturous experminets on him!! Poor Mieko!!! Good thing Mieko and Nukie have a psychic link so Nukie can find and save him with the help of two little boys in loin cloths from the African bush!!! It also helps that Nukie can communicate with anilmals which are constantly saying hillarious things and are no help with finding America which they have never heard of!!! The coolness of the fact that half of the film is spent with Nukie saying, "Mieko," and Mieko saying, "Nukie" in their cute little alien voices is hard to overstate!!! Steve Railsback is in this movie too and as Uncle Jack always says, "Steve Railsback is awesome because he played Ed Gein really well in the Ed Gein movie!" So basically, if you are very loaded like Uncle Jack was when he watched this film you can be old and think it is hillarious, especially the constant scenes of alien torture with the tubes stuck up the nose! Very Garbage Pail Kids movieish!!! Or just get this movie for your kids so their young brains will be left saying, "Nukie, Mieko, Nukie, Mieko...Etc."!!!!
Directed by Sias Odendal
UFOs "The Secret Evidence" (1993?)- (Feat. Dr. Johannes von Buttlaar- Astrophysicist, Zecharia Sitchin- Orientalist, Robert Lazar- Nuclear Physicist, Jorge Martin- Researcher, and some military officers!!!!)
More like UFOs "The Shitty Evidence"!!! This movie is extremely boring and features 44 unimpressive UFO video clips!! All interviews are snoozers!!! You won't be convinced unless you already were!!! Only thing cool- the narator's voice, I think he is German but he has a crazy accent that makes him sound kind of like a computer especially with the speed at which he speaks!!!
Directed by ? (a sticker is covering up the name, don't care enough to put in the video to find out)
Video Clip From UFOs "The Secret Evidence" of a Reporter Talking About a Triangular UFO Sighting in South America!!! Notice how Good This Movie is???!!!!
Wizards of the Demon Sword (1996)- (Feat. Blake Bahner, Heidi Paine, Russ Tamblyn, Lawrence Tierney, Lyle Waggoner, Michael Berryman)
Please flush all Troma Team videos down the toilet! This is the worst Troma film Uncle Jack has experience yet! After no more than five minutes this video had to be stopped! Way too shitty to be funny!!! Terrible acting, miniscule budget, horrible costumes, crappy sets!!! Hmmm are those the rocks outside of LA that everyone with no budget uses for rock/desert scenes?? Yes!!! I seriously doubt Michael Berryman of The Hills Have Eyes fame (weird looking guy on the cover) is in this for more than a second, most definitely will not watch anymore to find out! If forced to watch this film all the way through I am certain I would gouge out my eyes and drill out my ear drums first! Rest In Pain Troma!!!
Directed by Fred Olen Ray (Eat slugs and die dude!!!)
Video Clip from the Shitty Intro to Wizards of the Shitty Sword!!!
Dragon Fight (1990)- (Feat. Robert Z'Dar, Paul Coufos, Alexa Hamilton, Michael Pare, Joe Cortese, Charles Napier, James Hong, George "Buck" Flower, Fawna MacLaren)
Dragon Fight... more like Dumb Fight!!! Not only is this movie boring but it also sucks!!! In the "near future" corporations pick a fighter to do battle with another warrior and who ever's combatant wins gets to take over the other company because they bet all their money on the fight! Wow, the back of the movie makes it sound like their are lots of Dragon Fights but this is really the first and last for both companies involved! Michael Pare has a bit part as the guy who discovers the ancient Japanese tradition of "The Dragon Fight" and proposes it to his boss (James Hong)!
As soon as our hero Paul Coufos is dropped by helicopter into the middle of a desert for "The Dragon Fight" he decides he wants to quit!!! He is tired of working for "the man"!!! Coufos opponent played by Robert Z'Dar has no interest in the game having anything other than a bloody end however!!! Z'Dar's outfit is awesome!! He has a chain mail hood and a leather jock strap over his pants!!! He also wields a very stupid looking future axe!!! Coufos has a crappy sword!!! Coufos keeps killing Z'Dar but a medicine woman with huge tits keeps resurrecting him?! OK?! This makes the movie very lame because the viewer is like, "ok, he is dead and now he is alive, and again and again, this is annoying and pointless"!!!
Good part of the film- an old drunk who is literally always drinking a beer that Coufos befriends! He constantly talks about how he can't drive because he has been drinking and when his truck is destroyed he lugs a cooler full of beer with him through the desert, drinking as he goes!!! Mmmm beer!!! "Fight me, no I won't, fight me, no I won't," is more or less how the whole movie goes! Z'Dar quickly turns to killing whoever he meets in the desert as a way to try and force Coufos to fight him, it doesn't work too well! Very best part of the movie- there seem to literally be infinity invisible cameras in the desert for the corporate heads to watch the lame battle on!!! Despite its dumbness this movie is still to boring to be viewed by any sane person!
Directed by Warren Stevens
Crash and Burn (1990)- (Feat. Paul Ganus, Megan Ward, Bill Moseley, Eva Larue, Jack McGee, Ralph Waite)
Crash and Burn is a movie which really crashed and burned!!!! The giant robot which is clearly the movies' big selling point is only in operation for about twenty seconds of the film!!! The robot was used for mining and was left for junk in a field, the girl pictured on the cover of the box repaired it for fun!!!! In the very end of this crapfest the girl manages to get the robot working in order to lift a metal beam off a man who is being attacked by a shitty cyborg!!! The robot collapses right after lifting off the beam!!!! Boy is this movie fucking lousy, boring and stupid!!!! Charles Band and Full Moon Entertainment you guys really blew it with this turd, you should hate yourselves!!!!!!
Directed by Charles Band
Virtual Assassin (1995)- (Feat. Michael Dudikoff, Suki Kaiser, Brion James, Jon Cuthbert, James Thom)
Michael Dudikoff is rad and Brion James is radder thus this movie has to be good and is!!!! Dudikoff is an ex-cop in a future world who now works as a janitor in a large office building!!!! Brion James is a terrorist with huge, crazy, white hair!!!! James breaks into the office building where Dudikoff works with his gang of hip future criminals, including a black chick who wears an awesome, metal breast plate!!!!! James plans to hook his mind up to the internet and take over the world (it is really cool when he gets mind linked to the internet!!!!!)!!!!! This is one of several Dudikoff films where he looks extremely strung out the whole time, that guy must have really enjoyed partying in his off hours!!!! Basically this movie is great and James rocks hard especially with that crazy white hair!!!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Robert Lee
Dark Breed (1996)- (Feat. Jack Scalia, Lance LeGault, Donna W. Scott, Robin Curtis, Jonathan Banks)
Dark Breed is great because the aliens in the film look like a cross between creatures from the movies Predator and Aliens!! Other than that the movie is kind of slow and boring!!! Story- a United States space shuttle crash lands on Earth and its passengers escape infected with an alien virus which turns them into Alien Predators!!! The infected astronauts do not fully transform until the end of the film!!! One of the astronauts (Donna W. Scott) was infected by a "good" alien which wants to destroy the other aliens which she calls, "the dark breed"!!!!! Jack Scalia is the government agent and Vietnam veteran who must hunt the infected astronauts down and stop their evil plan of world domination and destruction!!!! The "good" alien is Scalia's ex-wife for drama's sake!!! A film worth watching for Aliens and Predator fans just so they can see the creature which is such a blatant rip-off.... or you can just watch the link below to see what the fully matured "dark breed" looks like!!!!!
Directed by Richard Pepin
Video Clip of "The Dark Breed" Vs. Jack Scalia and a Bazooka!!!
Time Barbarians (1994)- (Feat. Deron Michael McBee, Jo Ann Ayres, Daniel Martine, Michael Ferrare)
Time Barbarians is as dumb as the cover and name suggest! Films about barbarians who time travel to the modern age never work!!! A confused movie- Time Barbarians does not know if it wants to be a shitty comedy or a serious fantasy flick! Our hero, Doran the barbarian king has to travel to present day LA in order to track down the evil Mandrake who raped and killed his queen and stole a magic stone with protective powers!!! The whole raping and killing of the queen scene really just doesn't fit with the rest of the film, it is far too dark considering the rest of the time the movie generally features a failed sense of humor due to the terrible script and horrible acting!!! Really a piece of garbage best to be forgotten!!!
Written and Directed by Joseph J. Barmettler
Time Barbarians- Video Clip of Doran's Magic Arrival to Los Angeles and Battle with Some Crappy Gang Members!!!