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NINJA AND MARTIAL ARTS FILM REVIEWS 4!!!!!!


Ninja 3 "The Domination" (1984)- (Feat. Lucinda Dickey, Jordan Bennett, Sho Kosugi)
Lucinda Dickey of Breakin' 1 and 2 fame is the star of this awesome genre mix of ninja movie, Poltergeist, The Exorcist, and some crappy dancing!!!
Story- When not teaching sexy? aerobics classes, Christie Ryder (Dickey) works for the telephone company climbing telephone poles and spelunking in manholes beneath the city streets!!!! One day while repairing a telephone line by a golf course Ryder discovers a dirty and injured ninja!!!! The bloody assassin grabs her, mutters something in Japanese, forces her to take his sword and then dies!! Soon after the bizarre incident Dickey finds herself suffering from unexplainable blackouts! Yes, the ninja has possessed her and is using her to exact his revenge on the police officers who killed him aka shot him a few hundred times because that is how many bullets it takes to kill a ninja!!! Sometimes when Ryder is frustrated and confused by what is happening to her she turns up her music really loud and dances like a maniac!! (Don't we all??!!!!) A cop who is on the case of the mysterious and deadly ninja assassin meets and falls in love with Ryder because her hair is so sexy???!! After acting like a bitch Ryder decides she likes the cop and dumps V8 juice on her chest so he can lick it off?????!!!!! NEWS FLASH!!! NOT SEXY!!!!!!!!
The cop takes Ryder to a Japanese exorcist to try and cure her of blackouts and strange behavior and he learns the terrible truth about her affliction when the powerful ninja spirit speaks to him and refuses to leave her body! Sho Kosugi one of the finest ninja action stars of all time appears in Ninja 3 as Yamada a ninja with a sword hilt as an eye patch!!! Yamada has traveled all the way to America from Japan in search of the bad ninja how stabbed him in the eye and killed his father (aka the ninja that possessed Ryder)!! Just when the cop has lost all hope of saving his Linda Blair/ninja assassin girlfriend, he meets Yamada who tells him that they have to trick the ninja out of Ryder's body, at which point Yamada will have to kill him because as everyone knows... ONLY A NINJA CAN KILL A NINJA!!!!!!!!
Annoying aerobics instructor/telephone repair chick who is possessed by an evil ninja, ninja magic, assorted ninja weapons, and a ninja with a sword hilt eye patch!!!! What more can one ask for??!!!!!! Ninja 3 "The Domination" is certainly a cheesy film but in all the right ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Sam Firstenberg
****

Ninja 3 "The Domination"- Video of the Radical Ninja Assassin's Murderous Rampage from the Start of the Film!!!!!!


Ninja Vs. Ninja (1987)- (Feat. Hui Hsiao Chiang, Callan Leong, Pedro Alberto)
Ninja Vs. Ninja is one of if not these worst film by the notorious IFD Films and Arts Ltd. that Uncle Jack has ever seen!!! IFD Films and Arts Ltd. use their usual style of shooting a few scenes of ultra-cheap ninja action and splicing it into an older Chinese movie which is totally unrelated!! Ninja Vs. Ninja is supposed to be about some cops one of whom is secretly a good ninja, who are after some tape which has incriminating evidence of some sort on it and is obviously in the hands of bad ninjas. There are very few ninja fights in the movie and very few cool ninja weapons!!!! The film which the ninja clips were spliced into is about a crazy and semi-retarded, young Asian man who is obsessed with a female Chinese movie star and blows up people who he doesn't like with dynamite- it is not as cool as it sounds!!!!! Ninja Vs. Ninja is a very boring and crappy failure of a film which dishonors all NINJAS!!!!!
Directed by Nick Cheung
*
Ninja Vs. Ninja- Video of the Cool Ninja Magic and Fighting Skills from the Start of the Movie!!!!


Silent Rage (1982)- (Feat. Chuck Norris, Ron Silver, Steven Keats, Toni Kalem, William Finley, Brian Libby, Stephen Furst)
While everyone knows that Chuck Norris is one of the most gnarly dudes ever, Silent Rage is not one of his more gnarly films!!! The movie is about a crazy man who runs out of his medication and starts killing people, fortunately Chuck Norris is the town's sheriff and he comes to save the day with his martial arts skills!!!!! After the madman is subdued through kicks and punches, he manages to snag a shotgun and shoot a deputy which brings a rain of bullets down upon him!! Presumed deader than a doornail, life goes on for Chuck and the rest of the town's people as if the nightmare is over, but wait.... a doctor with an experimental new drug snags our villain's nearly lifeless corpse and not only brings him back to life but also gives him regenerative healing powers!!!!!!! As one would expect, the lunatic escapes and begins a killing rampage even deadlier than the first!!!!!!!! Will Chuck be able to stop him....???!!!!!
Silent Rage's biggest downfall is the boringness of the villain who barely ever says anything and who the viewer is given absolutely no back-story for!!! With the proper acting skills and direction, silent or near silent killers with unknown motivation can work well as was the case for Michael Meyers in Halloween (Uncle Jack's favorite movie murderer ever), however, neither the director (Michael Miller) or the actor (Steven Keats) are good enough to pull off this fairly difficult trick!!!! Chuck Norris acts like he always does aka cool, but Silent Rage is not an effective showcase for his martial arts skills and the movie's writer had to resort to the addition of a crappy, evil, biker gang side-story in order to supply more chances for Chuck to beat people up!!! Ron Silver plays the killer's psychiatrist in Silent Rage and he and his family are the main target for the killer's wrath! For comedy relief- Chuck has a young, fat deputy who accompanies him as he goes about his duties and the deputy says stupid things... it doesn't make the movie any more enjoyable!!! Diehard Chuck Norris fans will certainly need to see Silent Rage just because Chuck Norris is in it, others should probably avoid the film because it is really not that great!!!!!!
Directed by Michael Miller
**


Ghost Warrior (1984)- (Feat. Hiroshi Fujioka, Janet Julian, Charles Lampkin, John Calvin, Frank Schuller)
A couple hikers in Japan discover a frozen samurai in a cave!!! The corpse is taken to LA for study and the scientists working on the project manage to bring him back to life!!!! A young, white chick who specializes in ancient Japanese history is brought in to work with the ancient warrior!! Despite her expertise, the woman speaks very little Japanese so no one can really talk to the samurai that they discover is named Yoshi!!!!! Who would bring an ancient samurai back to life and not go find someone who can speak his language??!!!! This is a very stupid part of the movie!!!!!!
Needless to say the restless warrior escapes the lab and ends up roaming the streets of LA!!!! Gang members are dismembered and Yoshi befriends an elderly, black man before the law is hot on his tail!! With the aid of a horse and the ancient Japan specialist, Yoshi tries to escape the confusion of the modern world and vanish into the wilderness!!! The back of the movie box boasts "action thrills from the makers of Troll!" Fans of the movie Troll know that it is rad because it was a failure that sucked so much that radness was unavoidable!!!! Ghost Warrior just fails!!! The acting is mediocre, the characters are uninteresting, there are too many flashback scenes and worst of all Ghost Warrior features an all to over-used story line where a stupid love story/tragedy from the past repeats itself in the future!!!!!! If you are looking for a movie that is unentertaining and can help put you to sleep- Ghost Warrior fits the bill!!!!!!!
Directed by J. Larry Carroll
**


Heroes Three (1984)- (Feat. Laurens C. Postma, Mike Kelly, Lawrence Tan, Rowena Cortes)
Heroes Three is a low-grade kung fu flick from Hong Kong which has enough elements of crappiness that fans of crappy kung fu will find much of it entertaining!!! Story- a naval ship of Dutch origin makes a stop in Hong Kong, while in port an officer appropriately named "Dutch" and a shipmate go on shore leave!!!! Dutch's shipmate has some kind of delivery to make to some shady characters and he ends up dead!! With the help of a Hong Kong private detective/kung fu expert- Dutch searches through the dangerous world of organized crime to track down his friend's killer!!!!! Heroes Three's biggest highlight is the private detective's office which is full of old computers and reel to reel recorders which somehow know everything about criminals and update him about all new developments in the world of Hong Kong crime!!!! Yes, he even has a Berserk arcade game in his office!! One of the gangs which falls under suspicion for the murder works out of a mortuary where the evilest-bad dude with gold teeth carves coffins with a hatchet- when he isn't using it to carve people!!!! The acting is fairly standard for a Hong Kong kung fu movie, the filming is lousy, the fight sequences are ok, and Heroes Three should really be called Heroes Two because Dutch's friend (the black dude on the cover) is dead for most of the film!!!!! Over all, most of the film's failings are what give it its charm! There are many better kung fu films but there also many which are worse!!!!!
Directed by S.H. Lau
**


Ninja Death 3 (1987)- (Feat. Lo Yiu, Luk Yee Fong)
Ninja Death 3 is one of the most important films ever made!!!!! Everything about this Hong Kong spawned work of art is so terrible and so cheesy that it is a masterpiece!!!!!! The film's villain is a small, bearded ninja in a gold suit who has mastered the highest level of ninjitsu........ the SKY HAMMER!!!!!!! That is right!!! Everybody knows that SKY HAMMER ninjas are the most bad ass in all the land!!!!! For those too dumb to know what a SKY HAMMER ninja is, they are little men with beards in gold suits who use two large, metal mace like weapons which can have their ends shot off with disastrous results!!! The end of the SKY HAMMER can then be pulled back via the long metal chain which attaches it to the handle!!!!!! BEWARE!!!! If a flying SKY HAMMER hits you, you will spit up blood and die!!!!!!!!!!!! Only a master of the royal style of kung fu has any chance of defeating a SKY HAMMER ninja!!!! SKY HAMMER ninjas are also masters of the magic flute which puts crazed, kung fu masters in metal masks and big, white diapers to sleep!!
It is important to keep in mind that just mastering the royal style of kung fu is not enough to destroy a SKY HAMMER ninja, you must also have your mother tell you to have sex the night before the fight so you will be relaxed when the big day comes??!!!!!
How do you master the royal style of kung fu???! You get a book with shitty instructional drawings in it... of course!!!!! Where is a good place to practice your royal style?!!! In the canyon where the kung fu masters fly around in metal barrels!! Do you need a large, Chinese mullet to master the royal style?! Yes!!!!!! Your name also has to be White Tiger and you need a girl friend who always calls you "master"!!!!
Ninja Death 3's biggest highlight is the first scenes which must be a mass of clips from the first two films that were tossed together randomly like kung fu action in a blender!!!! When Uncle Jack first watched the movie he was totally confused, he could not tell if he was watching an insane preview with no voice over or if the movie was just horribly edited beyond belief!! As quickly as the hurricane of random clips in the intro of Ninja Death 3 begin, they end and the movie begins with no pause, and no credits- only confusion!!! It is one of the most groovy beginnings to a movie ever!!!! Thanks to bad dubbing and poor transitions between scenes, the whole film tends to be rough, chaotic and difficult to follow at times! Ninja Death 3 is a film which is so bad that it demands a seat at the table of best films ever!!! There are crazy kung fu scenes, ninjas, dudes jumping around in trees, blood spitting and so much more!! Anyone who doesn't think Ninja Death 3 is one of the most hilarious and entertaining kung fu flicks ever made, deserves 100 throwing stars to the face and groin!!!!!!
Directed by ?
*****
Ninja Death 3- Video of the Impossible to Follow and Amazing Intro to this Legendary Movie!!!!!


Laser Mission (1989)- (Feat. Brandon Lee, Debi Monahan, Ernest Borgnine)
Laser Mission is a train wreck of cinematic-retardation!!! Clearly made for young boys, Laser Mission is filled with terrible humor, awful acting, worthless dialogue, crappy directing, etc.!! The movie tells the idiotic story of a stupid secret agent (Brandon Lee) who is sent to some non-existent African country to contact and bring back a scientist (Ernest Borgnine) who is working on some laser technology idea! Meanwhile, the real point of the show revolves around some evil Soviets and some unexplained Hispanic Communists who are obsessed with finding diamonds!!!! This lame group of villains seems to run the pretend country which they are in and they cause a lot of trouble for Lee!
Borgnine is taken to some secret location after Lee botches an attempt to save him and Lee is given orders to find Borgnine's daughter to help with tracking him down!! When Lee find's the girl, she is working at a zoo and Lee is amazed to learn that she doesn't have a really fucking-sucky, fake Russian accent like her father (it sounds a lot more like shitty German- Uncle Jack thought the bad guys were supposed to be German and Hispanic until he read the back of the box!!!)!!!! The girl is dumb and stupid and just in the show to provide cleavage! She talks and acts annoying and never gets naked!!
The pair embarks on a brain-rottingly, fuck-crap mission with shitty action that is always rather slap-stick and which drags on for 90 minutes too long!!!!! The worst thing about Laser Mission if definitely the trash worthy acting and the fake accents, if they got real Hispanic people instead of white people with dyed hair, much of that problem could have been avoided!!! Ernest Borgnine's accent comes and goes- but always blows (Good thing he is only in the movie for about five minutes)!!!!! If the director cared at all he would have had people work on their accents a lot more!!! The title "Laser Mission" is very misleading because lasers are only mentioned about 3 times in the entire film, "Retarded Mission" would have been a much better title!! This movie doesn't even deserve to be called garbage and all copies of it should be dissolved in acid along with all those who helped make it! Even if you are some weird Brandon Lee fan do not watch Laser Mission, he doesn't do anything cool and even if he did the rest of the movie would make you want to blow your brains out anyway!!!!!!!!
Directed by Beau Davis
-105*
P.S. The box says that Laser Mission is rated VM (Very Mature) just another way that the movie is dumb like poop!!!


Way of the Black Dragon (1978)- (Feat. Ron Van Clief, Carter Wong, Charles Bonet, Lau Chan, Lung Chan, Fat Chung, Hsiang He)
Way of the Black Dragon is apparently the third in the "Black Dragon" series, "which established Ron Van Clief as a genre superstar."!!!! This film takes quite some time before it lets on that it is actually a kung fu film and for awhile one wonders if Ron Van Clief is even in it!! The very beginning shows a couple dudes battling in a Thai martial arts tournament- from there the movie quickly turns to a tale about a criminal gang which smuggles drugged Thai girls to Hong Kong with heroine up their crotches! After arriving in Hong Kong and getting through customs the girls are taken to a place where men remove the heroine from their privates and then they are turned into prostitutes or sold as mail order brides!!!! The main girl named Ellisin is sold to a man played by Carter Wong who played Thunder- one of the "Three Storms" in the notorious Big Trouble in Little China and who was for a time the martial arts instructor for the Royal Hong Kong Police Department!!! Finally, at least 30 minutes into the movie, enter... Ron Van Clief who has been dispatched by Interpol to investigate drug trafficking and human trafficking in Asia!!
Van Clief happens to run into Ellisin and tells her he will help her get back to Thailand but her husband can't come because those who smuggled her into Hong Kong are expecting Wong and are waiting to terminate him!!! As soon as Van Clief and Ellisin arrive in Thailand they are attacked and Ellisin is once again kidnapped!! In his quest to find and free Ellisin, Van Clief ends up meeting and teaming up with Wong and Ellisin's Brother- it is a good thing they all happen to be martial arts experts!!!!!! The martial arts scenes in this fairly poorly made film aren't done that well but are good enough for kung fu junkies like Uncle Jack!!! The dubbing is particularly terrible and mouths often move without words coming out, but that is obviously a plus! Most importantly Van Clief spends much of his time in Way of the Black Dragon wearing a red t-shirt which says "It is better in the Bahamas"!!!!!!
Directed by Chih Chen
**


Bloodfist 2 (1990)- (Feat. Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Maurice Smith, Rina Reyes, Joe Mari Avellana, James Warring, Timothy Baker, Richard Hill)
Bloodfist 2 is a very average action film with an unoriginal plot!!! The movie contains a lot of martial arts champions and makes a point of mentioning each one's accomplishments during the introductory credits-
Don "The Dragon" Wilson
World Kickboxing Association World Light-Heavyweight Champion
Maurice Smith
World Kickboxing Association World Heavyweight Champion
James Warring
World Kickboxing Association World Cruiserweight Champion
Timothy Baker
International Karate Association World Karate Champion
Richard Hill
International Sport Karate Association World Welterweight Champion
In Bloodfist 2, Don "The Dragon" Wilson plays Jake Raye, a former kickboxing champion who quit the sport after accidentally killing an opponent!!! When Raye's friend Vinny Petrello (Maurice Smith) calls him from Manila in some kind of danger, Raye goes to help him out!!!! Unaware that he is walking into a trap- Raye ends up in chains in the hull of a boat with assorted martial arts experts (James Warring, Timothy Baker, Richard Hill and others)!!!!! As one would guess... they are on their way to an evil Villain's island to compete in a martial arts competition where all the contestants fight to the death!!! This bad dude is a mean looking mother named Su (Joe Mari Avellana) who makes his dough betting on fights!! What a way to make a living! The only problem with Su's line of work is that he doesn't always know who is going to win, a problem which he believes he has just solved!!! Su has a scientist that has just perfected a super steroid which increases the user's strength and removes their ability to feel pain!!!!
It is up to Raye and his fellow prisoners to defeat an army of drugged killers and put Su out of business!!!!! Film highlights include Su's guards who dress in radical, red outfights and are armed with short sticks, a guy who wrestles in a Roman style which involves always sitting on the ground, and of course Don "The Dragon" Wilson!!!!!!! While the acting, action, direction, script, etc. are all very typical for a medium grade action flick of the time- crummy action flick fans will find enough to laugh at that they will most likely enjoy a mindless viewing of Bloodfist 2!
Directed by Andy Blumenthal
**


Kung Fu Executioner (1981)- (Feat. Billy Chong, Carl Scott, Sing Chen, Chan Sing, Chiang Tao)
Kung Fu Executioner is a pretty average Hong Kong spawned kung fu flick which features some nicely ruthless bad guys!!!! Billy Chong stars in this film as Li the son of a Hong Kong business man who is attacked by a Triad criminal organization when he refuses to use his shipping business to help smuggle opium!!! Li takes over his father's business and attempts to save his dad from continued assassination attempts!! Angered by their failed assassination attempts, the Triad organization begins to kill other family members and individuals associated with Li and his father!!!! Li and his best friend Donny (Carl Scott) embark on a mission of revenge armed with their fists, feet and nunchucks! As they go about their bloody task, Li and Donny have to face knife wielding hit men, sword brandishing Kendo men, and their ultimate opponent- a martial arts master with a sword hidden in his cane!!!!!
The bad guys in Kung Fu Executioner are truly bad, by the end of the film almost everyone in Li's family has been murdered!!! There is some blood in the movie which is always a bonus and Carl Scott wears bright yellow sweat pants and a bright yellow t-shirt!!!!! The back of the movie box says the movie is supposed to take place in the 1930s, how many people wore bright yellow sweat pants and white tennis shoes in the 1930s????! The acting is pretty good for a Hong Kong kung fu film, and the dubbing isn't too horrible!! The scenes of martial arts action are decent and often amusing!!!
Directed by Chan Wei Lin
***


Red Sun Rising (1994)- (Feat. Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Terry Farrell, James Lew, Mako, Michael Ironside, Soon-Tek Oh, Edward Albert)
Red Sun Rising is an average action film which could have been better if it didn't have such a shitty script, crappy humor and bland direction!!! The movie tells the tale of a Japanese cop who is half American- Thomas Hoshino (Don "The Dragon" Wilson) that comes to the US to escort an Yakuza big-wig named Yamata back to Japan for trial!! Yamata was involved in Hoshino's brother's death in Japan!!!! Before Hoshino can take Yamata into his custody, Jaho- the world's most deadly assassin frees him and they are loose on the streets of LA!!!! Yamata and Jaho are in the process of making a giant weapons deal with two warring gangs, one black (The Icemen their gang color is lavender????!) and one Hispanic (Don't remember their gang name- their gang color is orange, not as rad as lavender???!)!!!!! Jaho fuels the gangs' need for weapons by murdering assorted members of each gang with his bare hands, a sword or bazooka and framing one gang or the other for the acts of violence!!!!!! The best scene is when Jaho decapitates the girlfriend of a recently deceased Iceman and leaves her head on his unburied coffin!!!
Why Jaho who is a master of black magic and only seems interested in killing has any interest in making money, selling weapons and working for Yamata is sort of puzzling since he is nearly invincible and could easily be his own one man crime/murder squad!!!! Some of Jaho's powers include mind control, the ability to transfer a deadly energy through his fingers which causes his victims to spit up blood and die, and the power to bring people back to life!!!
In order to stop Jaho, Hoshino has to visit his old martial arts teacher Buntoro Iga (Mako) and learn to let go of his inner demons so he can harness the powers of good magic!! Hoshino gets aid from Detective Karen Ryder (Terry Farrell) who is assigned to look after him while he is in the US by her boss, Police Captain Meisler (Michael Ironside)! Ryder drives a big, old Cadillac and enjoys arguing about the superiority of American cars over Japanese with Hoshino!!!!! Ryder is racist against Japanese because she blames them for her father losing his job in the American auto manufacturing industry! This element of the film is extremely poorly done, her racism seems to come and go and one can't figure out if it is always serious or not because the script is so fucking dumb and no body seems to be trying to act very well!!!! Needless to say eventually Ryder is no longer an on again off again racist and she gets in the sack with Hoshino (no you don't get to see her naked if that's what you want to hear!)!!
While James Lew isn't the best actor, his role as Jaho seems particularly uninspired!!! The character had lots of potential and should have been cool but once again thanks to a rancid script and poor direction the end result is just mediocre!!!!!! The highlight of Red Sun Rising is probably the crappy, stereo-typical gang members and the clever ways which Jaho messes with dead bodies in order to enrage each gang!!!!!! Don "The Dragon" Wilson does his typical mediocre at best acting, and everyone else who is in the film does so as well- since they had a turd of a script to begin with, it is no surprise! Terry Farrell's sucky character is annoying at all times, and Mako's role as the drunken master for comedic relief purposes is dumb! Red Sun Rising might be worth watching if you have absolutely nothing better to do, otherwise avoid it!!!
Directed by Francis Megahy
*

 





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