NINJA AND MARTIAL ARTS MOVIE REVIEWS 2 !!!!
Ninja USA (1988)- (Feat. Alexander Lou, George Nicholas Albergo, Yau Jin Tomas, Yip Yung, Li Joi Hing, Yang Song, Yu Jin Bao)
As one may have guessed by the actors' names, this is yet another fine, cheap Chinese ninja movie! The movie starts off with a bang as a camouflage ninja infiltrates a building and kills lots of ninjas in black with his sword and scales a wall with his ninja climbing claws while facing away from the wall!!! Our cammo ninja then proceeds to dispense with men armed with machine guns and kill his target!!! This is immediately followed by ninjas in a boat chasing another boat of guys with machine guns!!! After all this amazingness the movie becomes much crummier until about the last 10 minutes when our hero (not the cammo ninja, he was bad) suits up to kill an old friend- now turned crime lord (this seems to be a common theme in ninja films)!!!
There is a really radical flashback scene where our hero remembers learning the art of ninjitsu from his master who talks about controlling fire and going to other dimensions and stuff!!! This gets the viewer excited that there are going to be some awesome scenes of ninja magic in the final showdown, however, there is nothing cool that happens! The movie features a very abrupt and typical of cheap Chinese martial arts films of the time!!! Worth watching in fast-forward if you find it for a buck!
Directed by Wu Kuo-Jen
Intro to Ninja USA Video Clip- Spring Boards, Throwing Stars, Exploding Boats!!!
White Phantom "Enemy of Darkness" (1987)- (Feat. Jay Roberts Jr., Page Leong, Jimmy Lee, Bo Svenson)
While they did a good job of making this film look like it might be as good as American Ninja or 9 Deaths of the Ninja, it really sucks hardcore!!!! Verging on slapstick, our hero- the white ninja only kills a few "bad guys" in the very end, the rest of the time he just punches a kicks really stupid looking dudes, or throws books at them!!! There is one "bad guy" who always wears a walkman, blue shorts, a hawaiian style shirt, and big black sun glasses, they call him "Ears", boy is he funny looking?!!! There is really nothing good to say about this film at all! The chick who is supposed to be hot is not, Bo Svenson who is the only actor with any name recognition is barley in the film, the story and acting suck, boring, stupid, lame! Page Leong, our hero's "hot" love interest does wear awesome 80s outfits which are amusing! It is great when she dances fully clothed like she's in an MTV video at a men's club, what kind of shitty club is it?! Sometimes she dresses like a detective, sometimes a ninja! She takes practicing for her shitty routines very seriously!!! They even had a choreographer for the film so her dancing would be good???!!!
It is cool in the start of the movie when two bad ninjas steal weapons-grade plutonium from a semi truck in the middle of nowhere and instantly stick their evil ninja clan sticker on it!!! I love ninja clan stickers!!! White Phantom features no nifty ninja weapons, the white ninja does carry a pocket full of white powder to throw in people's eyes though!!! A film which can not be understood in lameness unless one watches it!!!
Directed by Dusty Nelson
Double Dragon (1994)- (Feat. Mark Dacascos, Scott Wolf, Robert Patrick, Alyssa Milano, Julia Nickson, Kristina Malandro Wagner, Leon Russom, John Mallory Asher)
What do Street Fighter, Super Mario Brothers, and Mortal Kombat have in common?! They were all turned into shitty movies back in the 90s!!! For everyone who enjoyed those films there is Double Dragon which also holds a high place in the world of cinematic poop!!! Double Dragon will actually make you think Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat 1 and 2 were great movies (for the record Uncle Jack thinks those films were bad enough that they are awesome, especially the Mortal Kombat flicks for which Uncle Jack created drinking games- but that is another story!!!)
Double Dragon was obviously made with four year olds in mind due to its crappy slap-stick style and the fact that no one ever really dies! Brothers Jimmy and Billy Lee (the heroes of the video game) are played by Mark Dacascos who has starred in other fine martial arts films- and Scott Wolf who to Uncle Jack's knowledge knows nothing about martial arts!!! Jimmy and Billy befriend Maria (played by Alyssa Milano) who is the head of a crappy group known as "The Power Corps," and together they take on "Koga Shuko" (Robert Patrick) and his collection of thugs, some of which are based on characters from the video game!
Shuko wants the half of the "Double Dragon" talisman which the Lee brothers come to posses after Shuko kills their teacher! Crummy battles ensue through out all of "New Angeles" aka LA after a big quake!!! Gangs rule the city streets by night when all the cops and decent people segregate themselves in a secured part of the city!! Enough about this garbage any how, bad shit!! Don't watch it unless you want to be left feeling lobotomized!
Directed by James Yukich
Bounty Tracker (1992)- (Feat. Lorenzo Lamas, Matthias Hues, Cyndi Pass, Paul Regina, Whip Hubley)
Bounty Tracker has all the quality of the TV show Renegade which starred Lorenzo Lamas! Matthias Hues (A DWI Favorite- think Fist Fighter!) plays Eric Gauss, the man that was hired by the mafia to kill the brother of bounty tracker Johnny Damone (Lorenzo Lamas)! Needless to say Damone ends up using his "bounty tracking" abilities to track down Gauss and his partners in crime (one of them is a hot chick played by Cyndi Pass) and even the score! This film is a typical action film and fine to watch if one is in the mood for such fare! Bounty Tracker's only downfall is a lame sub-plot about a guy who helps kids get out of gangs and into college. These stupid ex-gang bangers end up befriending Damone and tagging along on his mission of revenge! The gangsters are all exceptionally shitty actors and their characters are highly unbelievable! That said, Matthias Hues is RAD!!!
Directed by Pierre David
Karate Cop(1993)- (Feat. Ron Marchini, Carrie Chambers, Michael Bristow, D.W. Landingham, Michael M. Foley, Dana Bentley, Dax Nicholas, David Carradine)
Karate Cop is not a particularly good film. David Carradine who gets top billing on the box is really in the movie for about 3 minutes as the owner of a cannibalistic wasteland bar! The ever mediocre actor- Ron Marchini, is "Karate Cop", the last cop in a world of devastation and violent gangs! After saving a girl from evil men in rags, Marchini finds himself on a quest to find a lost crystal which powers a teleporter to a better part of the world! The girl lives with a bunch of dumb and dirty kids in a compound with the teleporter which is surrounded by an electric fence that keeps the unintelligent baddies away! All the film's villains are sucky and the action scenes uninteresting! Carrie Chambers who plays "the girl" is hot and that is all this film has going for it! Most of the time Chambers is out of the picture as our hero Marchini goes about saving the day!
Directed by Alan Roberts
24 Hours to Midnight (1992)- (Feat. Cynthia Rothrock, Bernie Pock, Myra Cothan, Stack Pierce)
24 Hours to Midnight may just be the most important film ever made by the glorious AIP Studios (As noted in other reviews this isn't saying much!)!!! Neither the shitty and unflattering picture on the cover or any of the pictures on the back of the VHS let on to the fact that this is A NINJA MOVIE!!!!! Yes, and Cynthia Rothrock is the Ninja!!! When Devon Grady's (Cynthia Rothrock) husband is killed by mob hit-men she must have a bloody revenge!!! Grady must put on a jean jumpsuit and go to Mexico to talk to her and her husband's martial arts teacher and get the packet which lists all the people in the mob who ordered her husband's hit!!! Now it is time for murder!!! Grady takes her duffle bag of ninja weapons to a crappy hotel and suits up into her black ninja outfit!!! This scene is awesome- Rothrock has a tits stunt double for when she changes her clothes!!! Those are certainly not Rothrock's boobs... great!!!!!
Grady takes one ninja weapon with her each time she goes out for a kill, taking out the mob one thug at a time!! The best ninja weapons are of course the piano wire tied between two sticks, the car bomb and the revolver?! Grady is also deadly with a compound bow and a ninja sword as are all ninjas!!! It is radical when Grady drives around in her shitty, brown car in the middle of the day in her ninja suit- how stealth!!! It is also totally dope when Grady jacks a helicopter and its pilot so she can chase down a boat and blow it up!!!! The greatest scene is repeated in flash backs a million times and is of Grady crying in her car after her husband's death (Rothrock sure is good at pretending to cry?!)!!! Note to all directors- repeat all the shittiest scenes of your movie over and over again in flash backs!! This is a ninja film crummy enough that all ninja movie fans must see it- besides, it has Cynthia Rothrock in it and she is amazing?!!!!
Directed by Leo T. Fong
24 Hours Till Midnight- Video Clip of Rothrock's First Transformation into a Ninja!!! See Her Ninja Weapons and Her Stunt Double Boobs!!!! Kids Don't Watch This Your Parents Will Smack You For Looking at Boobs!!!!
24 Hours Till Midnight- Video Clip of Rothrock's Amazing Ninja Assassin Technique with Throwing Stars!!!!
Deadly Bet (1991)- (Feat. Jeff Wincott, Charlene Tilton, Steven Vincent Leigh, Jerry Tiffe, Mike Toney, Michael Delano, Sherrie Rose, Ray Mancini)
Deadly Bet has recently been renamed "Dumbly Bet" by Uncle Jack! This film is nothing special and features a star (Jeff Wincott) who is stupid and unlikable! Our hero- Angelo Scala, lives in Las Vegas and has a problem with gambling even though he sucks at it! After betting martial arts rival Rico (Steven Vincent Leigh) that he can beat him at a round of kick boxing and failing, Scala goes on to make some more lousy bets!! Scala finds himself owing money to Rico and some other shady characters! Scala's only way out is to fight a rematch against Rico for high stakes, $100,000!!! Can he do it? This movie isn't very good and it is not worth finding out!!!!
Directed by Richard W. Munchkin
Soul of the Avenger (1998)- (Feat. Mark Pelligrino, James Lew, Richard Norton, Karen Sheperd, Benny "The Jet" Urquidez, Kato Kaelen, Nancy Kwan)
Soul of the Avenger is a very interesting film! Although the directing is fairly amateur and the film is clearly low budget, the story is different and the film's star is intriguing in his own bum, booze and cough syrup guzzling way!! The story- a man (James Lew) trying to escape from an evil sect of martial artists casts his soul into a homeless man (Mark Pelligrino) who fell down an elevator shaft!!! When Pelligrino awakes he finds himself in jail with no recollection of how he got there and next thing he knows he is being bailed by an unknown individual who wants to meet him!!! Pelligrino goes to hang out with his hooker girlfriend, beat up the man she is having sex with using martial arts skills he never knew he had and drink a lot of cough syrup!!! After the fun Pelligrino goes to meet the person who bailed him from jail as he was instructed!!!
The leaders of the evil sect who bailed Pelligrino want to see him so they can tell if he knows about the changes happening inside him! They want to be able to guess when he will realize Lew is inside of him and fully use his magical martial arts powers!! Richard Norton and Nancy Kwan are the leaders of this shadowy group and give Pelligrino a magical and hallucinogenic beverage when they meet him and then send him on his way with some money and orders to come back later!!! As the movie progresses Pelligrino has dreams that he is being taught mystical martial arts moves by an ancient master (Benny "The Jet" Urquidez) and struggles with his cough syrup, booze and drug addiction while getting in various fights using his ever developing combat skills!!!
Anyone who likes the idea of cough syrup, alcohol, martial arts, and magic in a blender should watch this film!!! It is weird and made by someone who clearly has a lot more developing to do as a director but if you think you can be cool with all that check it out MOFO!!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Steven W. Kaman
Soul of the Avenger- Video Clip of Pelligrino's First Drunken-Cough Syrup Bum Martial Arts Fight!!!!
Soul of the Avenger- Video Clip of Pelligrino Meeting the Bad Guys and Drinking a Hallucinogenic Potion!!!
White Tiger (1995)- (Feat. Gary Daniels, Matt Craven, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Julia Nickson)
Despite the fact that Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa is the villain in this movie it is still not really worth viewing! The directing is so mediocre that Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa even with his evil looking eyes and seemingly permanent frown fails to reach his full potential due to a crappy script, poor filming, and all around boringness!!! The star- Gary Daniels is a bland actor and unlikable as is the case with many action film stars! There are no cool fight scenes and a typical story about an evil drug dealer who kills Daniels' partner so he must get revenge!!! If you like Julia Nickson she takes off her shirt so maybe that will somehow make this movie worth watching to you?- otherwise don't bother!!!
Directed by Richard Martin
Kill Line (1989)- (Feat. Bobby Kim, Michael Parker, Marlene Zimmerman, H. Wayne Lowery, C.R. Valdez)
While according to the movie box The Denver Post declared, "A smash and dash thriller... action fans will love it," Kill Line will not be loved by anyone action fan or not! Boring, bad acting, poor action sequences, and little action!!! The only thing this film has going for it is a nice scene of a guy getting a nostril cut with a knife which is well done and gross and a bad preacher who takes a samurai sword for no good reason to try and dispense with the movies' star- Bobby Kim "the fastest feet in the west," according to N.Y. Daily News (he doesn't seem faster than any other martial arts film star)! Bobby Kim really blows at acting but he is so bad that it is kind of funny!!
The story- a corrupt televangelist and some of his associates believe that Bobby Kim hid 2 million dollars somewhere before he was sent to jail! They murder a friend of Kim's and his friend's whole family trying to find the money!!!! When Kim gets out of jail he goes to the little town where his friend was killed and gets in trouble with the local sheriff who was one of the men who killed his friend and his family!!! Before long a bad preacher is coming after Kim with his evil henchmen and his samurai sword!!!! Good thing Kim befriended an un-attractive stripper who lets him hide in the garage where she lives!!! This movie is a lot worse and less action-packed than it sounds!!! Thumbs down!!!!
Written and Directed by Richard W. Kim
Night Master (1996- US release date, made some time earlier)- (Feat. Tom Jennings, Nicole Kidman, Joanne Samuel, Vince Martin, Mark Joffee)
Nicole Kidman receives top billing on the box for Night Master even though she is not the star! Kidman is one of the main characters but her picture on the cover is obviously due to the fame she received for something else after this film was made!!! Night Master is an Australian creation- Nicole Kidman's home country, so one won't find her trying to hide her accent here!!! This terrible and stupid movie takes place some time in the not too distant future but not much is done to reinforce this fact and it is of little importance to the rest of the flick!!!
Story- a group of lame Australian high school students are star pupils during the day and participants in "the game" at night!!! "The game" is a crappy competition dreamed up by a kid in a wheel chair and his friend!!!! In this shitty sport people dressed like ninjas navigate through a booby-trapped, industrial landscape shooting each other with little paint ball rifles and paint ball throwing stars, trying to eliminate each other and be the first to find a bell and ring it!!!! Most of the participants in "the game" take martial arts classes from Mr. Beck- a man with a secret drug addiction to some unnamed future drug!!!! Nothing can save this movie from its stinking turd of a plot!!!!! The acting is mediocre that is the best thing the film has going for it! Worthless trash!!!!!!!!
Directed by Mark Joffee
Night Master- Video Clip of the First Scene of "The Game" From the Film's Intro!!!!!
Ninja the Protector (1986)- (Feat. David Bowles, Warren Chan, Morna Lee)
The geniuses at IFD Films and Arts Ltd. strike again, with another amazingly cheesy movie where they piece together a short film they make with an unknown and crappy asian film that they have dubbed over!!! Ninja the Protector takes an asian movie about a young man's troubles in the world of male modeling and blends it with a story about an evil clan of ninjas that sell counterfeit money for real money!!!! Awesome!!!! An unnamed "special task force" is set up to stop the counterfeiters!! Fortunately the "special task force" is headed by Jason Hart who just happens to be a ninja master (a secret which he keeps to himself)!! As Hart disassembles the criminal organization one ninja at a time he leaves them hand cuffed in public places for his co-workers to find and take credit for!!
Hart's partners are astounded by the number of ninjas they keep finding and keep asking Hart about them!!!! To help maintain his secret Hart continually insists that all the criminals they catch must be on their way to costume parties dressed like ninjas!!!!! Hart also insists that ninjas don't really exist!!!! Ninja the Protector is one of the better movies constructed by IFD Films and Arts Ltd.!!! A must see for fans of ninja films that are so bad that they rock!!!!!!! And yes, the final ninja showdown does feature two ninjas battling on motorcycles!!!!!!!
Directed by Godfrey Ho
Ninja the Protector- Video Clip of Sho Kosugi's Ninja Theater from the Beginning of the Movie!!!
Ninja the Protector- Video Clip of the Intro, all the Ninja Fight Scenes, and the Final Ninja Battle!!!! DON'T WATCH IF YOU WANT TO SEE THE ENTIRE FILM THIS WILL SHOW YOU THE VERY END!!!!!!!!
Yep, that is Jason Hart Pictured in his Ninja Suit!!!
Operation Cobra (1997)- (Feat. Don "The Dragon" Wilson)
Operation Cobra is an unispired action film where Don "The Dragon" Wilson kicks people and acts rather crappily as usual! There are a lot better martial arts films to see, don't bother watching unless you have nothing better to do!!!!
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Out for Blood (1992)- (Feat. Don "The Dragon" Wilson, Shari Shattuck, Michael DeLano, Todd Curtis, Ken McLeod)
Out for Blood is like a crappy version of Deathwish except instead of beating people with a sock full of change, Don "The Dragon" Wilson kicks them... of course!!!!
Directed by Richard W. Munchkin
Kickboxer 3 (1992)- (Feat. Sasha Mitchell, Dennis Chan, Richard Comar, Noah Verduzco)
Kickboxer 3 pulls no punches!!!! A kickboxing champion played by Sasha Mitchell travels to Rio with his trainer (Dennis Chan) to compete in a competition and befriend some dumb street kids!! While waiting for the multi-day competition to finish one of Mitchell's new street trash friends is kidnapped by a bad man for use in his illegal brothel!!! Mitchell must now win the competition and save the dirty bum girl!!!! Wow! Great plot!!!???? Kickboxer 3 is standard action film fare with annoying and filthy kids who are constantly being... annoying and stupid!!!!!
Directed by Rick King