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NINJA MOVIE REVIEWS! (AND SOME OTHER MARTIAL ARTS FILMS!)

Revenge of the Ninja (1983)- (Feat. Sho Kosugi, Keith Vitali, Virgil Frye, Arthur Roberts, Ashley Ferrare, Mario Gallo, Kane Kosugi)
The best ninja film DWI has ever seen is "Revenge of the Ninja!" Sho Kosugi rocks! There is ninja magic and a huge arsenal of ninja weapons! How do ninjas carry one million weapons on themselves when all they appear to have is a sword?! Who knows?! It must be more ninja magic! The bad ninja even has a bunch of ninja dummies that he carries around to trick Kosugi!!!
Even Kosugi's mom busts out with mad ninja skills! And best of all Kosugi's son (Kane Kosugi) stars in this film as the son of Cho Osaki (Sho Kosugi)! Kane is a master of the martial arts just like his father! The slaughter of Kosugi's family by ninjas in the beginning of the film is one of the world's best action sequences! Check out the part where Kosugi catches an arrow in a totally radical way! Awesome! Awesome! Awesome!!!!! If you can only watch one ninja film make it "Revenge of the Ninja!!!!!!!!"
Directed by Sam Firstenberg
*****!!!!!
Intro to Revenge of the Ninja!

9 Deaths of the Ninja (1985)- (Feat. Sho Kosugi, Brent Huff, Emelia Lesniak, Regina Richardson)
While the intro to this movie is very good- Sho Kosugi and Brent Huff destroy a whole army of men in turbans on a hill covered in fake grass. The rest of the film is not so good. Oh, did I mention that Kosugi carries lollipops on his ninja utility belt? He takes out a lollipop to suck on before he kills people, wouldn't you? He has a cool nickname which has something to do with this habit.
The film is about a really stupid guy in a wheel chair with a bad german accent who takes a bus load of tourists hostage with the help of a very annoying, black woman with a big afro (pictured below) and some very dumb terrorists. The guy in the wheel chair has a monkey for a pet! Obviously Sho Kosugi and Brent Huff have to come to save the day. Mr. Huff has the very cool fake gattling gun pictured below! The movie is essentially a comedy which is totally unfunny. The only swell part of the movie is the bad ninjas which show up for no reason. Obviously they just wanted more ninjas in the film so someone said, "put more ninjas in the film, it doesn't matter if it is unexplained, this movie sucks any ways." Sho Kosugi fans will need to see this movie obviously no matter what. The movie does have an awesome name at least, and Kosugi does have an radical sword with an adjustable blade which one has to see to believe!
Written and Directed by Emmett Alston (Man does he suck!)
**
Intro To 9 Deaths of the Ninja

 


Wolfen Ninja (1986)- (Feat. Sho Kosugi, Pearl Cheung)
A "Ninja Theater Hosted by Sho Kosugi" film which I have not watched yet. Sho Kosugi's ninja theater films consist of Kosugi showing the viewer how to use a weapon or two and then introducing a film which is usually bad, that Kosugi is not in, and which may have nothing to do with ninjas.
Directed by Pearl Cheung


Tiger Claws (1992)- (Feat. Cynthia Rothrock, Jalal Merhi, Bolo Yeung)
Ok, so this is not a ninja movie, but it is a martial arts movie, and it is totally awesome. First, the film features Cynthia Rothrock! Check out Rothrock in the first scene where she is posing as a prostitute so she can beat up perverts, excellent! She is so hot...? Any way, the very important thing is that Bolo Yeung is the bad guy and he is very weird looking! Yeung is the only guy in the world who's chest is as wide as he is tall! The even more important thing is that Yeung uses the "tiger claw" martial arts style! Tiger claw is the most deadly martial arts style in the world!!!! Yeung attempts to prove tiger claw's deadliness by killing all of the USA's top martial arts fighters! Tiger claw style can kill you with a single blow and its user leaves bloody slashes on the bodies of their victims as evidence of their mad martial arts technique!
Jalal Merhi plays Rothrock's partner in this masterpiece of a movie. Merhi enters a secret tiger claw school to try and figure out who is behind the brutal killings. Action and radical-sliced face butchery!
Directed by Kelly Makin
***


Tiger Claws 2 "Back on the Prowl" (1997)- (Feat. Jalal Merhi, Cynthia Rothrock, Bolo Yeung, Evan Lurie, Han Soo Ong, Eric lee, Harry Mok)
Tiger Claws 2 Hurray!!! Tiger Claws 2 takes off where Tiger Claws 1 ended. Bolo Yeung's serial killer character escapes from a really crappy jail which appears to have only one cell and two guards! Yeung is helped in his escape by a China Town gangster (Han Soo Ong) who wants to open a time gate to China, 500 years in the past! And where else but San Francisco's China Town would there be such a gate?! No where of course!!! To open the gate martial arts masters must battle their way through a deadly maze until only 4 remain! Isn't that how all gates are opened?! Cynthia Rothrock and Jalal Merhi find themselves captives who must battle in this underground world of evil to survive and attempt to return Yeung to justice!
Written and Directed by J. Stephen Maunder
***


Tiger Claws 3 "The Final Conflict" (2001)- (Feat. Jalal Merhi, Cynthia Rothrock, Loren Avedon, Carter Wong)
Nine years after the release of Tiger Claws 1 and four years after Tiger Claws 2, the world was blessed with the final installment in this amazing series! Tiger Claws 3 is wonderful for many reasons! Reason number one- Cynthia Rothrock's character is killed just 20 minutes into the film! Maybe that was all the acting they could get her to agree to for this choice movie?! Maybe she was just too old to kick butt anymore?! Reason number two- there are really (not) GREAT! special effects!! mostly fake electricity related! Reason number three- Carter Wong is in the film and while his acting sucks in this movie, he was in John Carpenter's "Big Trouble in Little China" one of the best martial arts films ever! One of the best films ever! Wong plays a master of the tiger claw style who Merhi has to go to so he can defeat the three bad dudes on the front of the box! Never mind that Merhi was already a master of the tiger claw style in movies 1 and 2?!! Wong's fighting syle is identical to that of his character, in "Big Trouble in Little China," the buff dude who inflates himself so much he explodes! Wong's weird breathing technique is great! Reason number four- most of the acting really sucks! Reason number five- movies with "The Final Conflict" in their title are always great, and damn, there are a lot of them! Reason number six- well just watch this fine film, if you watched the first two you have no choice!
Written and Directed by J. Stephen Maunder
***


Night of the Ninja (1989) - (Feat. Esther Saura, Ron MacDunn, Paul John Stanners, Alex Clark, Martin Gordon, Jimmy Alan)
This is the first quality film I witnessed from IFD Films and Arts Ltd. The guys at IFD chop up crummy asian films which may or may not have anything to do with ninjas or martial arts and insert their own cheesy, ninja action sequences. The boxes for these films are one of their most noteworthy features. As one can sort of see, the boxes are covered with shinny metallic inks. The movies never have anything to do with the pictures on the front of their box or their titles. I believe most of the money that went into producing these films was used on the boxes! The sound is always a little off when the white guys who play the inserted-ninja story line are on the screen. No effort is taken to do good dubbing.
So anyway, in "Night of the Ninja," the "Star of India" diamond is stolen by it's owner Hector Bates, so he can collect the insurance money! Special investigator and kung fu expert, the amazingly hairy Nick Goldman is put on the case! Ninjas and stupid looking white guys who work for Bates try to kill Goldman and stop his investigation! Goldman goes to a hot tub and a sauna so we can see how hairy he is! Notice how much hair grows on his neck!
Meanwhile in the story which this is spliced into, a tough guy with one hand ends up working for gangsters! The gangsters beat people up and get in fights with a few ninjas! Every other scene someone is handing someone else some money, that part is really weird!? One dude even writes the gangsters a check before they beat him up! There is an old asian guy with a really nice fake beard! But don't take my word for all this! Watch the best scenes from Night of the Ninja as spliced together by DWI!
Directed by Bob Chan
This film is very bad!
*
Night of the Ninja Scene Splices!


Ninja Brothers of Blood (1989)- (Feat. Fonda Lynn, Marcus Gibson, Brian McCalve, Johnathan Soper)
IFD Films and Arts Ltd. has another winner with this fine film! The cool guy in the blue t-shirt above wants to take over a company so he gets his employee Charlie to seduce the owner's daughter. One small problem, Charlie already has a girlfriend that is very mentally unstable! The very end of the movie into which IFD has spliced its usual crummy ninja scenes has to be witnessed to be believed! A wedding and a knife! Watch the DWI scene splices from this film, you'll know what the amazingly awesome part is!
Directed by Raymond Woo
*
Ninja Brothers of Blood Scene Splices!


Ninja Knight Heaven's Hell (1988)- (Feat. Jonathan Soper, Philip Kevin Dodge, Juigen Michel, Jason Howard)
Yes, another top-notch IFD Films and Arts Ltd. production!
Phil's brother is killed by Lucas! Lucas has taken Phil's brother's company shares! Phil is out for revenge! Lucas sends his underlings and ninjas to go kill Phil. Meanwhile in the other story which is going on, Alfred is out of jail and wants to become a fisherman! Alfred's old girlfriend is married to the town gang boss! Alfred meets up with his old girlfriend and now her husband wants to kill him! This film is part really stupid joke, part kung fu, and part really sick. The angry husband's henchmen do some pretty screwed up things to get revenge on Alfred! Oh, the film is also part really boring! Once again DWI has supplied all the scenes one could want to watch from this garbage heap below!
Directed by Philip Ko
*
Ninja Knight Heaven's Hell Scene Splices!


Thunder Ninja Kids in the Golden Adventure (1992)- (Feat. Jonathan James, Kenneth Goodman, Matilda Bostrom, Wayne Archer, Mike Abbot, Albert Bronski)
Yes, that is right, IFD Films and Arts Ltd. makes kids films too! There are at least 4 films in the Thunder Ninja Kids series! I must admit, I only made it about half way through this wonderful film! The humor level is so low that it is no where near funny! It was so unfunny it gave me a head ache and I thought, "why am I watching this if I hate it so much?" Some of the same cool-white dudes who appear in other IFD films are spliced into this one as well.
So the story goes like this- the kids eat a lot of buns, a guy farts in one kid's face, the Thunder Ninja Kids watch a girl pee, one of the kids accidentally grabs a girl's boob, they get in a fight with a mirror, and those are the good parts! Awesome!? No!
Directed by Charles Lee
*
Thunder Ninja Kids Scene Splices!


Ninja Phantom Heroes U.S.A. (1989) - (Feat. Joff Houston, John Wilford, Glen Carson, Christine Wells, George Dickson, Allen Leang)
While "Ninja Phantom Heroes USA," is officially released by Double A Video, it is clearly a IFD Arts and Films Ltd. film. Apparently the movie is the sequel to "Ninja American Warrior" according to those in the know about IFD films, it features some of the same characters, a similar plot and title, but that is it! The end of this film is priceless! The ninja weapons used are truly awesome! The ninja hand spins that changes our hero and our villain from their street clothes to their ninja outfits are top notch! (A white outfit for the villain!? And camouflage outfit for our hero!)
The film into which our ninja story line is once again pieced is more tolerable than some of the films IFD finds but still a little boring, annoying and stupid! The death of "Meatball" and "Fatty," and the anger of "Baldy" from that portion of the film is included in the first clip below! The copy of "Ninja Phantom Heroes USA" from which these clips are taken is in pretty bad shape so some fuzz is always on the top of the screen and the movie ends prematurely in the final awesome fight! Oh well, looks like you shall have to track down your own copy to see who wins and what other bizarre ninja weapons pop out of thin air!
Action Director Tony Kong (No normal director mentioned on box?!)
*** (the film gets three stars merely because of the coolness of the last battle the rest is not so good)
Various Video Clips from Ninja Phantom Heroes USA!
The Beginning of the Final Ninja Fight in Ninja Phantom Heroes USA!


Ninja American Warrior is a martial arts film that jumps all over the place and constantly leaves you wondering just who or what is the focus of the film, unless you read the back of the box, which tells you what the plot is supposed to be. -
"In his attempt to become the most powerful man in the world, Justin Taylor, leader of a sinister ninja army, has become the largest narcotics smuggler in the orient. The U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency and the Hong Kong Police have joined forces with the CIA and a brilliant policewoman, the awesome Amazonia, to bring down Taylor by any means, at any cost. The CIA operative chosen for the task ultimately realizes that the man he must kill was his closest friend in the war. Torn between justice and loyalty he's got to make the most crucial decision of his life. He has a choice that is no choice at all- life or death..."
Now that you know that, you will still have a hell of a time piecing it all together. The most important feature of Ninja American Warrior is the red ninjas, yellow ninjas, white ninjas, black ninjas, some other colors of ninjas too. There is even the amazing and evil "Black Ninja Cougar," who is a master of time warp kung fu! One can also expect ninja mines, smoke bomb ninjas, ninjas with plastic rings, typical bad voice dubbing, and more!
Story? Magic Ninja Fighting- Ninja American Warrior (1987)- *****


Ninja Vengeance (1992)- (Feat. Stephen K. Hayes, Janet K. Pawlak, Craig Boyett, David Paul Lord)
A lame white guy who happens to be a ninja ends up in a racist town down south. The lame guy hates injustice so he decides to beat up the local KKK which includes the police. To be extra stealthy our hero never puts on his ninja suit and barley uses any of his ninja weapons! Sounds pretty goo right?! Nope. The only thing cool about this film is our ninja's love interest, could she pull up her early 90's jeans any higher?! Slow show.
Directed by Karl R. Armstrong
**
Dumb Video Clips From Ninja Vengeance


The Tattooed Hitman (year ? 80s)- (Feat. Bud Sugawara)
This movie is so good that the box only mentions who the star and writer are. The writer in this case (Jack Sholder), must be the guy who made up the story which was dubbed over a really crappy film. Gingi is "the most frightening character ever brought to the screen," according to the box! In reality Gingi isn't really that bad of a guy. Gingi gets mad and breaks things, causes his Yakuza bosses trouble, and carries a gun but barley ever uses it. Best part of this movie, the last minute where there is a nice bloody end to Gingi. This movie is way up there on the really boringest shit I've ever seen meter. And no it is not a ninja movie, but I did find it in the martial arts section. And no, there are no martial arts in this film either.
-1*
The Bloody End of Gingi (Don't watch this if you don't want to see the end of the film!)


American Samurai (1993)- (Feat. David Bradley, Mark Dacascos, Valarie Trapp, John Fujioka)
The box says American Samurai is "...'Bloodsport' with blades." That does pretty much sum up the film. David Bradley of American Ninja 3 and 4 fame stars as an American samurai who must defeat his evil Yakuza brother (Dacascos) and regain the family sword. Trapped by the Yakuza in Turkey and forced to fight for his freedom and his evil brother, Bradley has to put his samurai "sixth sense" to the test! Don't worry it really helps him out!
With a cast of combatants lifted straight out of a video game- pirates, vikings, Texans with large knives and various other big guys with sharp objects- battle to the death for a one million dollar prize! Good stuff, check out the big guy with a bladed stick versus old Conan dude clip below!
Directed by Sam Firstenberg
****
Big Dude with bladed stick versus old Conan Dude fight-video clip from American Samurai


Shootfighter (1993)- (Feat. Bolo Yeung, Maryam D'abo, Willam Zabka, Michael Bernardo, Sigal Diamant)
Shootfighter has to be one of the coolest names for a movie I have ever seen! Like Tiger Claws this and The Tattooed Hitman this is not a ninja movie! Who says I have to only review ninja films on a ninja film review page?! That would make sense! Any ways, Bolo Yeung plays Shingo the master of shootfighting! Shootfighting is an underground sport where contestants fight to the death with what ever crappy weapons they want, just look at the club the lame dude has above! Sounds like American Samurai?! Sounds like a lot of movies! Haven't watched this film yet but with a name like "Shootfighters" how can it be bad?!
Directed by Pat Alan
?*


Shootfighter 2 (1996)- (Feat. Bolo Yeung, William Zabka, Michael Bernardo, Jorge Gil)
Shootfighter was such a rad name for a movie they had to make a sequel! The movie plot sounds identical! The stars are the same! Hey, the movie box is almost exactly the same too! Boy did they try hard to make an original film! As you can imagine since I didn't watch Shootfighter 1, I haven't seen this one either yet, once again it must be excellent however!!!!
Directed by Paul Ziller
?*


Ninja Mission (1985)- (Feat. Christofer Kohlberg, Hanna Pola, Bo F. Munthe, Curt Brober)
Notice parents, they put a sticker right on the front of the box warning you this film is not for children! Crap! Don't let your kids watch ninja movies for heaven's sake! The box reads- "Enter the dark and deadly world of the ninja, the true professionals of death. In this taut thriller, CIA agent Mason (Christofer Kohlberg) leads his small band of ninja on their most dangerous mission: to snatch the brilliant physicist Karl Markov (Curt Brober) and his sultry daughter (Hanna Pola) from a fortress-prison in the heart of Russia. In a dazzling display of martial artistry and mayhem, the black-clad killers pit their uncanny skills against a brigade of Red soldiers- while a time bomb ticks off their real deadline!" This movie was made by Russians in Russia!! Wow, they sure know how to make a really good ninja movie!! Ninjas sure use funny looking Russian guns a lot! Russian guns sound kind of like laser guns? Some one needs to get some new gun sound effects! Bad acting, bad script, if you drink a large amount of beer this film seems kind of amusing and wow the daughter of the "brilliant physicist" has an awesome performance where she dresses in hot 80s clothes and sings really good!!!
Directed by Mats Helge
* *
Sample Video Clip of Ninjas Using The Tiger Claw Technique in Ninja Mission


American Kickboxer 1 (1990)- (Feat. John Barrett, Keith Vitali, Brad Morris, Terry Norton, Ted Le Plat)
This film is a very boring and sucky! Apparently John Barret is Chuck Norris's former workout partner and fight/stunt coordinator- this in no way helps the fact that the story for this film is garbage and the action level is really low! The only good thing about this movie is how good the "bad guy" played by Brad Morris is at being really obnoxious! It is also really awesome that this movie is called "American Kickboxer 1," obviously they knew they were going to make more than one American Kickboxer when it was created!
Directed by Frans Nel
*


American Kickboxer 2 (1993)- (Feat. Dale "Apollo" Cook, Evan Lurie, Kathy Shower, Ted Markland, David Graf)
American Kickboxer 2 is in no way related to American Kickboxer 1 and it is also its complete opposite! While American Kickboxer 1 has almost no fighting American Kickboxer 2 will leave you screaming, "isn't this the final crappy fight sequence yet?!" The acting is horrible! The script is horrible! The little girl in the movie must suck at acting so much that they made her be on sleeping drugs the whole time so she wouldn't have to do anything! Everyone in the film is very hateable! Dale "Apollo" Cook may be a five-time world kickboxing champion but he is also a 500-time world shitty acting champion! Crap!
Directed by Jeno Hodi
*


Black Belt Jones (1974)- (Feat. Jim Kelly, Gloria Hendry, Scatman Crothers)
This film is a well recognized classic and it deserves all the compliments it gets! Jim Kelly a former International Middleweight Karate Champion is Black Belt Jones! When the mob accidentally kills the owner of Jones' karate school, you can imagine what has to be done! Lots of afros! A mob that has a secret room in a giant wine barrel! A chick who is just as tough and sexy as Black Belt Jones! Trampolines! A final showdown in a carwash which is overflowing with bubbles!!!! A martial arts classic and a blaxploitation classic!
Directed by Robert Clouse
****
Click Here For A High-Quality JPEG download of the Painting From the Cover of the Black Belt Jones VHS!!!


Only the Strong (1993)- (Feat.Mark Dacascos, Stacey Travis, Paco Christian Prieto, Todd Susman, Geoffrey Lewis)
WOW!!!! That is indeed the best way to describe this masterful piece of cinematic-martial arts history, WOW!!! Ex-Special Forces soldier Louis Stevens (Mark Dacascos) is a master of the deadly and beautiful capoeria, "a Brazilian martial art that combines driving rhythms with deadly force!" aka dancing and kicking to stupid music! Stevens returns to his old high school in LA to discover muscular rastafarians and hispanic gangs dealing drugs and causing havoc! After Stevens beats up some of the steroid using rastas- an old teacher of his (Geoffrey Lewis) declares, "that was great you should teach the ten worst kids in this school to dance-fight, this will make them be great students and outstanding United States citizens!" Sensing this must be his true life's calling, Stevens says, "why yes, I shall teach these ten worst students the art of capoeria aka dance-fighting and it shall be fun and one of the kids will carry a stereo all the time and make shitty musical remixes of traditional capoeria songs for us all to dance-fight to!"
All goes well in dancing and fighting until the local gangs decide Stevens is cramping their style! The situation is aggravated by the fact that one of Stevens' students is the cousin of the leader of a hispanic gang- and guess what?! that is right... he is a master of dance-fighting aka capoeria!!! No surprise!!! Isn't everybody?!! Stevens' has a cool student who always carries a skate board! Stevens turns an old fire station with bums in it into his capoeria "DOJO!" One of the best movies ever made!! Dancing and martial arts combined, a truly winning combination!!! An absolute must see for all crappy martial arts movie fans!!!!!!
Directed by Sheldon Lettich
***

Only the Strong- Video of the Lame Rap Video in the Beginning of the Movie!!!
Only the Strong- Video of Steven's First Day Back at His Old School and His First Fight!!!!
Only the Strong- Video of Steven's First Capoeria Class and His Bonery Students!!!!!
Only the Strong- Video of Steven's First Encounter with the Film's Villain!!!!

 

 


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