Boarding House!!!! The Best Horror Film Ever???!!!
Boarding House (1982)- (Feat. Hank Adly (John Wintergate), Kalassu, Alexandra Day, Joel Riordan, Brian Bruderlin, Tracy O'Brian)
Is it possible to make the world's best horror movie with an old VHS camcorder, some cow guts, terrible computer-generated effects from an old Amiga, people who couldn't act to save their lives, a shitty 80s rock band, and an obnoxious chick named "Kalassu"???!!!!!! Clearly this is the only way to make the world's most fucking rad horror movie ever!!!!!!!!!!!
Uncle Jack has compiled a list of reasons why Boardinghouse is unbelievably amazing despite what most people say-
1. The star and director John Wintergate is a really weird looking guy who often wears just a man thong!!!!
2. John Wintergate plays both the star Jim Royce and a crazy Vietnam Vet gardener, and it is obvious!!!!!
3. Jim Royce can make plants fall over with his mind when he is wearing a man thong!!!
4. John Wintergate acts as well as Uncle Jack's friends did when they made videos in elementary school... and so does the rest of the cast!!!
5. The movie warns the viewer with an evil sound or gloved hand in a field of color before a "gory" scene happens... aka some dude pulls cow guts out of his shirt or someone has fake eyes fall out of their head!!!!
6. There are several long-ass scenes of someone looking up computer files on a green and white computer screen which are about the "boarding house" and the events which happen in it!!!! The computer beeps for each letter which shows up on the screen!!! These obnoxious scenes are an attempt to make the mess of a story make some amount of sense!!
7. Jim Royce inherits a house where a lot of people including his uncle had deadly accidents!!!! After inheriting the house he puts an add in the paper for young, beautiful and single girls who want to rent rooms from him!
8. A bunch of young girls who like wrestling and ripping each other's bikini tops off come to live at the house!!!!!!
9. The girls who live at the house instantly have sex with about any guy who comes to the door! Duh!!!! All chicks are mega-sluts!!!!!
10. The main chick in the movie- Victoria (Kalassu) learns telekinesis from Royce and some books from the library in about two seconds!!!
11. Victoria has a giant picture of her own face over her bed!!!!!!
12. Victoria sings in a shitty band called 33 1/3 who plays at a party at Royce's house and performs some of the music for the sound track!!!!
13. All the girls want to get in Royce's pants because he looks so weird and always wears a man thong!!
14. The Vietnam Vet gardener wears an awesome leather jacket, a red bandana, sun glasses and has a sling for his arm which is made from a chain!
15. The gardener does all of his pruning with a chain saw!!!!
16. There is some kind of computer-generated, brown blob which is supposed to be an evil force and sounds like flies!!!! This blob tends to show up when bad things happen!!!
17. The refrigerator spits yogurt in Victoria's face!!! When this happens the viewer can clearly see the arm of someone off camera throwing it!
18. Everybody in the film wears hideous 80s outfits!!
19. The film's budget must have been 5$!!!!!
The list could go on forever!!! For people looking for one of the most low-budget, cheesy and poorly acted horror film in the land, Boarding House will not disappoint!!!!!!
Written and Directed by John Wintergate
Click Here To Download The Preview For Boarding House!!! Warning Contains BOOBS And BLOOD!!! NOT FOR CHILDREN!!!
Boarding House- Video Clip of Royce Practicing Telekineses in a Man Thong!!!!
Boarding House- Video Clip of the Girls Arriving at the House!!!
Boarding House- Video Clip of Royce Practicing Telekineses in the Bathtub with Victoria!!!!
Boarding House- Video Clip of One of the Girls Talking with the Crazy and Radical Gardener!!!!!!
Boarding House- Video Clip of Victoria's Frightening Nightmare with Amazing Gore and Special Effects??!!!!
Boarding House- Video Clip of a Scene if Awesome Gore and Cocaine!!!
The Paragon Video Productions VHS for Boarding House boasts many great previews for high-quality films!!! Uncle Jack has included video clips of most of the previews below!!!
The Witching- A Satanic Preview with Boobs, Goat Headed Men and Gore!!!! Stupid Kids DON'T WATCH!!!!
Funeral Home- Preview for the Film!!!
Just Before Dawn- Preview for the Film!!!!
The Gates of Hell- A Crappy Preview for an Awesome Film by Italian Horror Master Lucio Fulci!!!!!
The One Armed Executioner- Preview for the Film!!
Hotwire- Preview for this Shitty 80s Car Thievery Comedy Flick!!!!!!