Big Bear is the best alcoholic beverage because it has a very angry bear on it, and it says it is, "Premium Malt Liquor"!!! Kel Tec makes the best guns because they look just like toys!! Kel Tec guns are part plastic and come in colors such as red and yellow. Now when kids point toy guns at cops they will be even more likely to get shot! Yeah!!
UNCLE JACK'S IMPORTANT ALCOHOLIC-ENERGY DRINK REVIEWS!!!
Sparks is the original alcoholic-energy beverage to come in a can!! Many people are familiar with Red Bull and Vodka at the bar, Sparks lets you take that goodness with you every where!!! First there was the orange Sparks with 6% alcohol content then they made Sparks Light for the ladies which also has 6% alcohol and last but not least Sparks Plus which features 7% alcohol and a better flavor! Sparks light and Sparks (original) both taste like Red Bull and Vodka, Sparks plus has a little more fruitiness!!!
Rize is a fairly new player in the alcoholic-energy drink market!! Rize is similar to Sparks Plus!! It has the same ingredients and the same alcohol content!! Rize tastes worse than Sparks Plus however, artificial strawberry flavoring that is not so wonderful!!!
Both types of Liquid Charge feature 6.9% alcohol content! Neither the original (some kind of berry flavor) or Orange Citrus Liquid Charge taste that great, you can do better! Tilt was one of the earlier contenders in the energy/alcohol game!! The orange can of Tilt has 6.6% alcohol and doesn't taste as good as its' brother the green can of Tilt which is 8% alcohol and tastes like grapefruit (has that dirty socks grapefruit smell too!) Bud Extra sucks! Also know as B (Budweiser) to the E (Extreme), it has a crappy strawberry taste and originally came in an 8 oz can like Red Bull until Budweiser realized no one was drinking it because they could get a 16 oz can of Sparks for less! Bud Extra is 6.? alcohol content.
Joose is the Lord God Lord of all alcoholic-energy drinks! Joose has three flavors and comes in 23.5 oz cans (strange size!?)!! The red can of Joose has the best flavor of any alcoholic-energy beverage, cranberry- and is 9% alcohol. Orange Joose doesn't taste bad either, sort of a grapefruit Sparks, it also boasts a whopping 9.9% alcohol!!! Blue Joose is not very great tasting- I think it is supposed to be blueberry or something and has 9% alcohol, drink red Joose!!! High Gravity Core and Four Maxed are very new to the alcoholic-energy drink scene and upped the stakes of the game!! Both beverages contain 10% alcohol!!! HG Core is a not so great orange flavor and Four Maxed is a not so great grape flavor!!! Not only does HG Core have more alcohol than Joose but it also boasts an extra .5 oz- making it a 24 oz can!!! So if you just want to get wasted and all messed up on caffeine, energetic herbs and puke, choose HG Core!!! An interesting note about Four Maxed is that it adds worm wood to the usual taurine, ginseng, and guarana combination!! Worm wood is the ingredient found in the hard alcohol beverage absinthe which tastes like licorice and was thought to be mildly hallucinogenic for years until that urban legend was recently disproved!!!
Moral of the story- Joose is the best, red Joose that is!!! PS if you haven't experienced it for yourself yet, drinking very much of this stuff at once will definitely get you righteously sick!!! Time tested and proven by Uncle Jack toilet visit after toilet visit (one time a bath tub too, they are more comfortable and sanitary to puke in- just no fun to clean up!!)
AHHHHH!!! UNCLE JACK JUST FOUND MORE ALCOHOLIC ENERGY BEVERAGES!!!
Uncle Jack just discovered new developments in the exciting world of alcoholic energy drinks this weekend (8/8/08)! First we have Magnum Tonic Wine! This didn't actually come from Uncle Jack's favorite mini-mart, 44th Market, it came from Jamaica and just happened to be given to him on the same day he made these other wonderful discoveries! Magnum Tonic Wine has iron and B vitamins and something it call Vigorton! Magnum Tonic Wine is 16.5% alcohol and tastes like ginseng cough syrup! No one wanted to drink this crap even though it has a picture of a gold colored chick getting it on with a blue guy! Apparently it is supposed to make whoever drinks it Vigorton in bed! Uncle Jack doesn't want Vigorton enough to drink this shit! Next we have citrus flavored Four Maxed with all the same ingredients and alcohol content as the original Four Maxed but a much improved flavor! Everyone at Uncle Jack's house agreed that citrus Four Maxed is actually the best tasting of all the alcoholic energy drinks they have ever consumed!!! Good job Four Maxed! Liquid Charge's new flavor, lemon lime has more alcohol than the other two flavors of Liquid Charge- 8.5% instead of 6.9%! Lemon lime Liquid Charge tastes kind of like a Sprite but sweeter and is now Uncle Jack and his pals second favorite tasting alcoholic energy beverage! The new Joose, "Dragon Joose," tastes like a melted grape Otter Pop but a little more syrupy, thus, not so great! Dragon Joose boasts 9.9% alcohol just like the orange can of Joose! And finally Sparks now has 24 ounce cans! Joose is still cheaper however, and still has more alcohol content! The owner of 44th Market told Uncle Jack that Joose is by far the best selling of all the alcoholic energy beverages with Sparks quickly falling down the ranks! Looks like Sparks will have to up the Alc/Vol, not just the can size- if they want to stay in the game!
THE SAGA CONTINUES!!!!!!
FOUR LOKO STORMS THE ALCOHOLIC ENERGY DRINK MARKET AND TAKES NO PRISONERS! 11% alcohol content! Like Joose, Four Loko weighs in at an amazing 23.5 ounces! Thus furthering Uncle Jack's theory that there are laws against such a potent malt liquor type product being sold in a 24 ounce can! Four Loko has a "Loko Fruit Punch Flavor," and has almost no taste of alcohol! Yes, another intoxicating beverage we can give to children so they can drink a lot, get drunk, puke, have hangovers, and don't even know why! This is Uncle Jack's new favorite alcohol/energy drink beverage! Uncle Jack hates Hawaiian Punch but likes the "Loko Fruit Punch Flavor" of Four Loko! Four Loko is as one may have guessed- created by the makers of Four Maxed (Drink Four Brewing Company)!!! No one needs to spike the punch! It is already spiked!
EVIL EYE aka OJO MALO is not an alcoholic energy drink, it does however look like one! Evil Eye aka Ojo Malo is a 16 ounce "High Gravity Lager," aka MALT LIQUOR!! Evil Eye aka Ojo Malo does not say how much alcohol is in it!? This is very strange, this is usually the main selling point for malt liquor, Uncle Jack can't recall seeing this phenomenon on any other malt liquor cans/bottles! Evil Eye aka Ojo Malo does have an awesome can, one of the coolest looking in the world of alcoholic and non-alcoholic alike! Evil Eye aka Ojo Malo does have one major problem however... it tastes like the smell of piss mixed with the delicious flavor of vomit!!! Worst tasting malt liquor ever- and that is saying a lot!!! Uncle Jack is in the "clean plate/booze container club" he did brake this rule after 2 sips of Evil Eye aka Ojo Malo however, hopefully the tree he dumped it on enjoyed it more than he did!!! Melanie Brewing Company your product packaging is a STAR!! Your product is a TOILET FLAVORED BOMB!!!!!!!!!!!
IS IT AN EPIC BATTLE??!! THE WAR CONTINUES!!!!
Uncle Jack Has Been Slacking Off On His Review Duties And Discovered The Following Beverages A Couple Months Ago, Here They Are Finally For Those Who Need To Know!!!!
Yes it is true! Liquid Charge has upped their game to try and hold on in the energy drink war! While the beverage names are unchanged the look is new and the alcohol content is up (from 6.9% to 8.5%)! Above on the left is Liquid Charge's old, Orange Citrus can and in the middle is the new one! Uncle Jack was lucky enough to find an old LC OC at his favorite mini mart, so he could compare the old to the new! All five people at DWI who tried the two beverages agreed the new one is better! Yes, that is right, Liquid Charge has a cooler can, more alcohol and tastes better than before! Liquid Charge Lemon Lime was the first LC to come out at 8.5% as mentioned earlier on this page but now it has a cooler can too! LC LL is still one of Uncle Jack's favorite alcoholic-energy beverages!
The Four beverage company has produced another energy drink with high alcohol content- Four Loko "Loko Uva" (uva means grape in Spanish)! While not one of Uncle Jack's favorite beverages (the first Four Loko is still his favorite), when Uncle Jack did a blind taste test between "Loko Uva" and Dragon Joose with some of his comrades- there was a unanimous vote that Uva was better! Most people describe "Loko Uva's" flavor as that of a melted, grape Otter Pop- a little thick and very sweet! Loko Uva should be tried because hey, it is 11% alcohol like the first Four Loko, but Loko Uva is a dumb name and there are better alcoholic energy drinks to be had (unless you really like melted Otter Pops!)
Hard Wired is a hard to find alcoholic energy drink from Uncle Jack's experience's, he has only come across it once and it isn't really worth looking for! Only 6.9% alcohol, we all know thanks to Four Loko that this is nowhere near enough anymore, and the taste is a lot like that of Red Bull or Sparks (RIP... victim of the alcoholic beverage war- should have upped your alc levels dudes!) Hard Wired- nothing new here!!!
LOKO VICTORIOUS AGAIN???!!!!
Ahhh... The Four Brewing Company has done it again! The new best alcohol-energy drink is Four Loko "Loko Orange Blend!" In the Loko tradition this beverage is 23.5 ounces and 11% alcohol! The flavor is like a mix of tropical fruits mango, peach, orange or something! Better than our previous 1st place holder "Loko Fruit Punch!" Sweet, but not too sweet! Try it fools!
THE RETURN OF JOOSE AND CORE!!! 03/09!!!
Well, Uncle Jack has begun and exciting new method of alcoholic-energy drink review!!! Now he will post the month on which he finds new beverages in his head lines because some of these reviews are getting pretty dated!!! It is a live fast and die young world in the buzz-booze industry!!! Any way, Core HG Green (10% Alc. 24oz.) is nasty shit!!! Imagine walking into a public restroom with lime scented urinal cakes and putting one in your mouth!!! I bet it would taste just like HG Green!!! Syrupy, sweet, green, and gross with a capital G!!! Zero out of five people who tried this drink with Uncle Jack liked it!! Jungle Joose (9.9% Alc. 23.5oz.)!!! Once again- as with Dragon Joose, Joose has shown that they understand cool cans help sell a product!!! Skulls and roses reminds Uncle Jack of Guns N' Roses "Welcome to the Jungle"!!!! The problem is however, Jungle Joose is... crappy!!! Strange flavor, sort of lemon-lime with a hint of something like chewable vitamins?!!! That would be ok if there were vitamins in it!!! Then drinking would be good for you!!! Awesome radioactive green color is the only thing Jungle Joose has going for it other than the can!!! Jungle Joose got thumbs down all around at the party which Uncle Jack brought it to!!!! Oh the agony of crappy drinks!!! But wait... New Loko products are on their way!!! Yes- life is good!!!!!
KING COBRA AND WEREWOLF 04/09!!!!
After much anticipation King Cobra finally arrived at Uncle Jack's favorite malt liquor pick-up location- 44th Market!!! The only problem is... King Cobra should really be called Crappy Cobra!!! Weighing in at a measly 6% alcohol content, King Cobra has no excuse for tasting no better than Steel Reserve!!! People who drink malt liquor do not want a 6% beverage especially if it doesn't taste better than one with 8-9% alcohol!!! Last but not least, Uncle Jack was hoping for a much cooler can with a name like King Cobra!!! That tiny stylized cobra on the top of the can is lame!!! With a name like King Cobra you need a big, mean looking cobra head staring you in the face saying, "can you handle this poison mofo?!" and you need at least 8% alc.!!! Budweiser you fail just as you did with Bud Extra!!!
Werewolf beer!!! Awesome label, awesome alcohol content- 8.2%, awful taste!!! Uncle Jack and Marf Century both dumped their Werewolf beers down the drain despite the fact that wasting a beer is a sin!!! Werewolf which hails from Lithuania declares on the label, "You must be sure you want to taste it," and it is true!!! The nasty, sweet alcohol flavor of this beverage will make you wish you were drinking anything else, even King Cobra!!! Two thumbs down!!!
HITE PITCHER WINS AWESOMEST BIG CONTAINER AWARD 06/09!!!
South Korea earns serious props for its production of the Hite Pitcher!!! From the Hite brewing company, this baby boasts an amazing 1600ml aka 54.1024 US ounces!!! The bottle is also plastic with a screw on top so go ahead and get drunk and drop it!!! It won't break!!! If you are feeling like a wimp you can always screw the cap back on and save whatever you can't drink for later! While the Hite Pitcher is only 4.5% alcohol anyone who drinks it looks really cool regardless- because it is huge! Uncle Jack took a picture of Hite Pitcher next to a 16 oz of delicious Keystone Light and a tasty 40 oz of Steel Reserve to demonstrate the radicalness of the beverage's size!!! Hite Pitcher is easy to drink and not all that different in flavor from cheap American beers such a Miller and Budweiser! Go to an Asian market today and get yourself a Hite Pitcher before it is too late! Seattle area residents can find this wonderful treat at Ranch Market 99 on Highway 99 as long as Uncle Jack hasn't just been there and purchased them all!!!!!
FOUR BREWING COMPANY TRIES TO DESTROY THE WORLD!!!
BEHOLD THE POWER OF FOUR LOKO WATERMELON
AND THE WRATH OF EARTHQUAKE HIGH GRAVITY LAGER 06/09!!!!
Just released at the end of April, the infamous Four Brewing company serves up yet more brain killing beverages! Four Loko Watermelon is 24 oz and contains the obligatory 11% alcohol that its other siblings in the Loko family do! The flavor as Uncle Jack suspected is very much like that of a watermelon Jolly Rancher, sweet and unnatural but a good thing if you like watermelon Jolly Ranchers! The alcohol in the drink is essentially unnoticeable as is par with the rest of the Loko refreshments! Not a lot of carbonation and a little syrupy but Uncle Jack definitely knows people who will enjoy Loko Watermelon none the less!!!
Earthquake High Gravity Lager is surely one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!!!! Undoubtedly to become the drink of choice for bums and young partiers who are low on cash, Earthquake features an astounding 24 oz, 12% alcohol and an inexpensive price tag of slightly more than 1$ (such as Hurricane, Steel Reserve, Etc.)! Knowing full well that all malt liquors which contain high amounts of alcohol taste more or less like barf (case in point- Camo malt liquor 9.1% alc. which is extremely nasty- sour/sweet and had the highest alcohol content before Earthquake shook up town!) Uncle Jack stepped up to Earthquake's plate expecting to experience a pretty damn crappy taste sensation! Uncle Jack was surprised however! While by no means good tasting- Earthquake is still better than Camo! Earthquake has the sweet bite of alcohol that many of its malt liquor friends share and does seem to get worse, not better as one drinks it (mostly due to warming I believe), but it most certainly gets the job done and gets it done fast! One Earthquake is equal to drinking two King Cobras and almost the same as drinking an entire bottle of wine (a bottle of wine is 25.360z)! Regardless of the not so wonderful taste, one must try Earthquake simply to know what drinking a 12% alc. malt liquor is like! Now go and feel the tremors!!!!
Uncle Jack's friend Mark Century created the masterpiece pictured below after a night of Loko Watermelon, Earthquake High Gravity Lager, and Miller High Life!!!!
"Earthquake- Loko Watermelon- Miller High Life- Chips and Salsa"
by Mark Century 06/06/09!!!!
JOOSE FAILS IN ATTEMPT TO TACKLE FOUR LOKO!!!
MAX- LIVE, VIBE, AND FURY SUCK SHITS 08/09!!!!!
This month Joose released Max, a failed assault on Four Brewing Company's Four Loko!!! Here is a list of all the ways you lose Max!!!!!-
1. Max was a terrible choice of name! Four Brewing Company began with Four Maxed quite some time ago! What are you trying to do Joose? Are you trying to make people think FBC made this product because the names are so similar? Have some originality you idiots!!!! The font used for the Max logo looks very much like the IMAX movies font, is this a drink or a movie!!! Stupids!!
2. The Joose logo is very hip and Jungle Joose is one of the coolest alcoholic energy drink containers around so why release this boring-ass looking can? Uncle Jack thought you guys understood better than anyone the importance of radical product packaging?! The Joose logo is one of Uncle Jack's favorite malt liquor logos for stenciling, this logo would make a lame stencil!!!!
3. Now for the taste- the real downfall of Max!!! Max Live is the worst of the 3 flavors! Live tastes like grape, alcohol, aspirin and a little?- gross for good measure!!! More watery than Loko Uva and much worse!! Of the 10 different people who tried this beverage all agreed Live was the worst Max and no one liked any of them!!! Max Vibe is fruit punch flavored with a hint of medicine and does a great job of making the stomach churn!! Max Fury will release the Fury in your guts if you drink it- its taste is orange with... you got it... medicine and a hint of disgusting!!! All 3 flavors are seemingly more watery than Loko, whether this is good or bad depends on what you like!!!!
4. What is good about these wonderful products? They are all 23.5 oz like Four Loko, an astounding 12% alcohol like Four Loko's Watermelon (see below), and they have all the caffeine and energy goodness one has come to expect from this genre of alcohol products!!!
So, if you just want to get nicely trashed and find these beverages in a ditch they will do the trick, but why be an idiot like Uncle Jack and buy them??!!!!!!!! Uncle Jack's theory on the reason why Joose failed so horribly with Max- they were in a rush to get a new product on the market to compete with Four Loko's 11-12% alcohol dominance! Hey lots of people just want to get really, really DRUNK and whacked out on energy at the same time- for cheap!!! Thus, in their rush to stay in the game Joose failed to do enough taste testing and packaging design work!!!!
FOUR LOKO WATERMELON GETS AN UPGRADE!!!!
SMIRNOFF RELEASES XBT!!!
Uncle Jack discovered the first in the series of Four Loko's alcohol upgrades at 44th Market earlier this month!!! Four Loko Watermelon is now 12% alcohol!!!!! (This picture sucks and does not show the alc. % which is the only way to tell the difference from the 11% watermelon can!! See below for a picture showing the 12%!!!) Loko Watermelon demonstrates an interesting revelation- more alcohol can make alcoholic energy drinks taste better as was the case with Liquid Charge!!! The increased alcohol cut back on the drink's sweetness making it more drinkable!!! Way to go Loko!!!
Smirnoff XBT is not an alcoholic energy drink but it is new on the market and contains 8% alcohol!! XBT is great for chicks who don't like beer and for little kids- they can get drunk and a sugar high at the same time!!! "Cut with citrus flavors," XBT is like a slightly crappier tasting than Sprite and the alcohol is a little difficult to detect in the taste! There are better things like XBT to drink but some people may like it!!!!
FOUR LOKO FRUIT PUNCH NOW 12% 10/12/09!!!
It has been about a month since Uncle Jack came across Four Loko's new 12% alcohol Fruit Punch upgrade (pictured on the left) and here the review finally is!!!! 11% tasted better!!!! Uncle Jack and his minions did a taste test between the 11% and 12% batch and all were in agreement that the original 11% recipe is more delicious!!! While the Watermelon Loko was a little too sweet and benefited from the alcohol boost, Loko Fruit Punch was Uncle Jack's favorite alcoholic energy drink, tasting just like fruit punch and very little like alcohol!! Now the alcohol flavor is more obvious!!!! But face the facts- for those who just want to get messed up, the 12% change is great!!! Four Loko Fruit Punch is still one of the best tasting alcoholic energy drinks in town!!!!
STACK HIGH GRAVITY MALT LIQUOR ATTACKS EARTHQUAKE!!!! 10/12/09!!!!
United Brands Company- creators of the wondrous "Joose" have released a new soldier in the malt liquor war, Stack- 24 ounces of 12% alcohol terror!!!! Uncle Jack came across this product just last week, having gotten word of its existence!! He had to travel to 3 mini marts before he could track Stack down!!!! Unfortunately the man working at the mini mart did not know the price of this wonderful new product and probably sold them to Uncle Jack for too mach at 2$ apiece!!! Uncle Jack guesses the real price to be a little over a buck in order to compete with Stack's obvious opponent, the lethal "Earthquake" from Four Brewing Company!!!!
In a battle of epic proportions Uncle Jack and his fellow hooligans pitted "the new kid on the block"- Stack, against the tried and true heavy-weight, Earthquake!!!! There were no survivors, aka, no one could agree which was worse!!! Stack has a hint of banana mixed with the sour taste of alcohol while Earthquake has more of just a the sour alcohol taste, less sweet!!! Stack certainly does not have a "smooth flavor" as the can says!!! Moral of the story- if you want to get messed up for cheap stick with Joose or Four Loko!!!! If you are nuts and think Camo, Colt 45 or other nasty malt liquors are good, give Stack a shot!!!! PS... Easy Way Self Spray Enamel probably tastes as good as Stack!!!!!
FOUR LOKO UVA 12% ALCOHOL VS. FLU 11% ALCOHOL!!!!!!! 10/31/09!!!
Uncle Jack recently taste tested the new 12% alcohol Four Loko Uva against the old 11% batch!!! Uncle Jack invited over his fellow malt liquor tasting brothers- Lance Benrikson and Marf Century for the occasion!!! There was a unanimous conclusion that the new 12% alcohol recipe is better than the old 11% recipe!!!! The new Uva tastes more like a grape soda and less like alcohol??? Go figure!!! Definitely one of the best alcoholic energy drinks one could pick to consume and one of most potent!!!! Now Four Brewing Company only has to give the drink a less stupid name and more.... alcohol!!!!!
A NEW CAN AND ADJUSTED FLAVOR FOR FOUR MAXED CITRUS!!!! 10/31/09!!
Four Maxed now comes in a cooler looking can!!!! The new Four Maxed Citrus (featured on the right) certainly says excitement and wild times more than the old can which is pictured on the left!!!!! Whether or not the new citrus flavor is better than the old is hard to tell, neither is very good!!!! Both the old and new Four Maxed Citrus taste a lot like Red Bull mixed with something that is not really that citrus like, it is more like an unknown and not very good tropical flavor!!! Stick with Loko it has 2% more alcohol, all the same great energy nutrients, caffeine and a better flavor!!!!!
ANHEUSER-BUSCH AND MILLERCOORS ARE WIMPS!!!
SPARKS AND TILT LOSE THEIR CAFFIENE!!!!!!
SPARKS RED FIZZLES!!!!! 11/16/09!!!!!
It did not come to Uncle Jack's attention until today that Sparks and Tilt no longer contain caffeine!!!! Sparks and Tilt also lost all their other energy ingredients, aka- guarana, ginseng, taurine!!!!! How did this happen????!!! Anheuser-Busch (the creator of Tilt) and MillerCoors (the creator of Sparks) caved into pressure being brought down on the alcoholic-energy drink industry by the FDA who says that the companies that make alcoholic-energy drinks have to prove that they are not bad for the consumer or stop making them!!!! CLICK HERE FOR A LINK TO AN ARTICLE ABOUT THIS ATTACK ON FREADOM TO DRINK STUPID SHIT!!!!!!!
So, now Sparks has no Spark and Tilt will no longer get you all tilted!!!!! This fact is illustrated above with a picture of the new "Sparks Red" can!!!!! Yes, the Sparks Red can does say that it has 8% alcohol making it the most potent Sparks to date, however, notice that all mention of caffeine etc. is gone!!!!!! One can compare the can to ones pictured earlier on this page and see the difference!!!!!! To make a long story short, now Sparks is dumb and MillerCoors is lame!!!! To top it all off, Sparks Red is the crappiest tasting Sparks yet??!!!! The absence of the caffeine and other energy ingredients would make it easier to make a better tasting product one would think... I guess not if you are Sparks and stupid!!!!! Sparks Red is a poopy, strawberry type flavor mixed with a cloud of grossness!!! No one at Uncle Jack's domain enjoyed the flavor!!!!!! Sparks..... RIP!!!! FDA- caffeine and alcohol go great together.... they have helped Uncle Jack barf on many an occasion and helped him enjoy pleasant sleepless nights!!!! Leave these well intentioned companies alone!!!!!!!
UNITED BRANDS COMPANY AKA JOOSE RELEASES
REFORMULATED MAX DRINK LINE!!!!!! 11/16/09!!!!!!
While Uncle Jack still has many issues with United Brewing Company's Max alcoholic-energy drink line (such as the dumb logo and unoriginal name) the flavor of the reformulated drinks is greatly improved!!!!! A new can would have been a good idea since the first batch tasted like shit!!!! A new can would have been a visual signal that their have been changes!!!! However, the cost of redesigning and manufacturing new cans was most likely considered too great!!! Long live alcoholic-energy drinks!!!!! Down with the FDA!!!!!!!
MAX VERSUS FOUR LOKO TASTE-OFF!!!!!! 11/23/09!!!!
At a recent party Uncle Jack and his friend "Action Man" compared the taste experience of the reformulated Max Fury against Four Loko Orange Blend and the reformulated Max Vibe against Four Loko Fruit Punch!!!! After a bloody battle, Uncle Jack and "Action Man" agreed to disagree!!! Uncle Jack considers both the Four Loko beverages to be far superior to their color counterparts from Max!!!! Loko is consistently sweeter and more like a soda than Max!!! Uncle Jack believes Max contains more flavor of alcohol and a hint of Red Bull gone bad!! Max Vibe is strawberry flavored so not exactly like Four Loko Fruit Punch (which is still perhaps the best alcoholic-energy drink according to Uncle Jack), regardless, Four Loko Fruit Punch is much better!!!!!! "Action Man" disagrees with all of this, not being a fan of sweet things he prefers the Fury and the Vibe! "Action Man" is dumb!!!!! Uncle Jack will compare the reformulated Max Live with Four Loko Uva (crappy name!) when he finds it!!!!!
FOUR LOKO BLUE RASPBERRY IN DA HOUSE!!!! 11/23/09!!!!!
Four Loko's latest beverage is "Blue Raspberry"!!!! The alcohol content is 12% as is the new norm for Four Loko and it features the essential caffeine, guarana and taurine!!!! The drink tastes like a blue raspberry candy that is a little old and funky, but it is one of the better alcoholic-energy drinks out there if one can stand drinking something which is blue raspberry flavored! The alcohol flavor is fairly well covered by the sugar and fruit flavoring!!!! Try it!!!!! It is good for you!!!!!!
FOUR MAXED GRAPE FLAVOR OLD VERSUS NEW!!!! 12/07/09!!!
Uncle Jack and Marf Century put the new Four Maxed Grape Flavor to the test against the old formula this weekend and discovered that the taste is indeed improved!!!! The new Four Maxed Grape Flavor has an improved can design (on left) which matches the new Four Maxed Citrus can in all but color!!! The new Four Maxed Grape Flavor is less sweet and slightly less syrupy than the old, neither is all that great tasting however (as noted previously on this page- the original flavor is pretty much gross)!!! Stick with Four Loko Uva, it tastes better and has 2% more alcohol!!! Interesting notes- they dropped the wormwood oil from the ingredients on both of the newly improved Four Maxed beverages? Was it a cost cutting measure, a supply problem, was it necessary to improve the taste, or were they forced to because of the old urban legend that wormwood oil is a type of hallucinagen (this was disproved recently in a study on absinthe)??!!! A mystery!!!! Also, the cans now say "contains alcohol" rather than "alcoholic beverage" on top?!! Were people too dumb to understand that alcoholic beverage means it contains alcohol?!!!! It also says "flavored malt liquor" above the bar code now!!!! So amazing!!!!!
UNLEASH YOUR INNER SERPENT!!!! MAMBA JOOSE UNLEASHED!!!! 12/7/09!!!
Joose puts out another cool looking beverage with Mamba Joose!!! almost on level with Jungle Joose for can design, Mamba Joose also contains all the same delicious ingredients- taurine, ginseng, caffeine and 9.9% alcohol!!!! As the colors suggest Mamba Joose is fruit punch flavored, the beverage is considerably flatter than Four Loko Fruit Punch however, and is not as flavorful!!! Mamba Joose smells a lot like Hawiian Punch but it doesn't taste as good as it smells!!! If you want alcohol and energy in a fruit punch package stick with Four Loko Fruit Punch (which also provides 2.1% more alcohol), if all you care about is getting wasted off a dope looking can... obviously you can't beat the Mamba Joose packaging- unless you are drinking Jungle Joose!!!!!!
MAX WATERMELON RELEASED!!!! IS IT BETTER THAN FOUR LOKO WATERMELON?!!!!! 1/18/10!!!!!
With the release of their watermelon flavor, Max also unveils their new can design!!!! Why can't the company do anything original? Perhaps we shall never know!!!!! The dot pattern in the background is an awful lot like that which appears in the background of Four Maxed cans which Max already essentially stole their name from!!!!!! The text which is used for watermelon is also reminiscent of that used for the word Loko on the Four Loko cans (who make Four Maxed)!!! Max Watermelon is 12% alcohol, 23.5 oz., and has ginseng, taurine, and caffeine like the other Max beverages!!!!! For the cherry on top of their mountain of fuck-ups, Max Watermelon failed the taste test against Four Loko Watermelon which has just as much alcohol and energy ingredients (guarana instead of ginseng)!!!! Max Watermelon tastes a little less like a watermelon Jolly Rancher than Four Loko Watermelon does and since it is so close it mays well have just gone all the way like Loko!!!!!!! No reason to drink Max Watermelon other than just to try it, even Action Man agreed this time!!!!! Certainly not a bad alcoholic-energy drink, Max is drinkable, but why release a beverage that is the same flavor as one which is already on the market, just not as good??!!!!!
FOUR LOKO UVA VERSUS MAX LIVE!!!!!! 1/18/10!!!!!
In a brutal contest of grape flavored alcoholic-energy drink madness, Action Man and Uncle Jack put an old can of 11% alcohol Four Loko Uva up against a possibly reformulated Max Live!!!!!!!!!!!! Despite the fact that the original 11% alcohol formula of Loko Uva is not as good as the new 12% alcohol formula, it still crushed its competition with no remorse!!!!! If this can of Max Live which Uncle Jack purchased just 2 days ago is the new formula, it is much shittier than he remembers it begining when he first tried the original product!!! Compared to Loko Uva which essentially tastes like grape soda, Max Live is almost flavorless, it is as if someone dumped out 3/4 a can of Loko Uva and filled it up the rest of the way with water??!!!!! I think they drank a bit too much Max Live when tasting their product and got so wasted that they decided it was good!! Max Live is certainly one of the worst tasting alcoholic-energy drinks on the market!!!!!
UNCLE JACK'S NEW WIFE!!!!! 1/18/10!!!!!
Uncle Jack tied the knot with Joose Chick this past Saturday and it was certainly the best day of his life, right below the day when he found 175 obscure horror and action movies for 1$ apiece!!!! To all the companies in the alcoholic-energy drink game- Uncle Jack says, "make hot chick cut-outs for your brand of beverage so I can rate who is the hottest!!!!" Mmmm... just imagine a can of Joose that big!!!!!!!!
MAX GREEN APPLE!!! GREEN APPLE IN YOUR MOUTH!! 2/1/10!!!!!
While Green Apple Max has the most boring looking can of all the Max flavors, it is actually the best tasting of their drinks!!! Of course, one has to keep in mind that their other beverages range from really bad to not so good in flavor!! That said, if you enjoy green apple flavored Jolly Ranchers and think they would make a delicious drink if melted down, well, that is almost what Green Apple Max tastes like! Green Apple Max tastes like green apple Jolly Ranchers mixed with a hint of the usual nasty flavor which is in all Max drinks to some extent!!! Uncle Jack and Action Man could not bring themselves to drink more than about 1/3 of a can apiece since they find it hard to consume more than that much liquid-green apple flavor!!!!! Green Apple Max is a product which everyone should try no matter what their feelings about green apple flavored things are because it is an interesting experience whether you decide it is delicious or not- and hey, with the standard Max formula of 23.5 ounces of 12% alcohol with ginseng, taurine and caffeine- you will get messed up!!!!!
32 OZ. HIGH GRAVITY CORE "EL JEFE"!!!!
A NEW LEVEL OF ENERGY-ALCOHOL APACOLYPSE!!!!!! 02/07/10!!
Uncle Jack thought there was some kind of law stopping alcoholic-energy drink companies from making their beverages any larger than 23.5 oz. since that is the size that Loko and Max top out at, but if that is so- Core doesn't give a shit!!!! Presenting El Jefe- 32oz, 11% alcohol and the highest quantity of energy ingredients with- taurine, guarana, ginseng and caffeine!!! While Loko and Max have a higher alcohol content at 12% alc. they still can't compare with a 32oz 11% alc. beverage! El Jefe is fairly syrupy and has a very sweet grape flavor and is not as good tasting as Loko Uva, but it is a million times better than Max Live!!! Uncle Jack could never drink an entire El Jefe because it is too thick and sweet but if you can you can be assured that you will be well on the road to totally trashed!!!!! How long until someone makes an alcoholic-energy drink at 40 oz?!!!!
OB!! ANOTHER KOREAN BEER THAT COMES IN A 1600ML
BOTTLE JUST LIKE HITE PITCHER!!! AND NOW... THE TASTE-OFF!!!!! 3/1/10!!!
Uncle Jack's excitement was truly great when he discovered that the Korean beer OB can be found in a 1600ml (54.1024oz) plastic bottle- just like Hite Pitcher!!! The Korean mini-mall "H Mart" in Lynnwood, Washington which is great- carries both giant beers!! Of course, upon discovery of this great fact, Uncle Jack declared that an immediate taste-off was necessary! First, the facts about OB (for a Hite Pitcher review see earlier on this page)- OB stands for Oriental Brewery, wow! OB says that it has been around since 1933!! OB is located in Seoul, S. Korea!!! OB is the name of a tampon company in the US, thus, American's already associate the letters OB with delicious flavor!!!! OB is probably around 4.5% alcohol like Hite, but the bottle doesn't say! The writing on the OB bottle says that it has PAB- passive and active barrier technology! The bottle also says, "timeless enduring heritage, craftsmanship and new rice addition deliver refreshing smoothness and clean after taste, making OB the most drinkable beer." Gosh, the most drinkable beer?!! The OB versus Hite Pitcher taste test, unfortunately for OB, concluded that Hite is a much more drinkable beer!!! Action Man and Marf Century both agreed with Uncle Jack that Hite is a considerably superior beer to OB!!!! Hite tastes a little like Heineken and is a decent beer, OB is much sweeter tasting and more watery!! OB is drinkable but if you want to look rad drinking a giant beer with a plastic bottle that is hard you break when you are drunk, stick with Hite!!!! If you can only find the giant OB, drink it because it will still make you look cool and remind you of tasty tampons in your mouth!!!!!
PANTHER JOOSE ON THE LOOSE!!!! 3/1/10!!!!
Panther Joose just arrived at Uncle Jack's favorite mini-mart in the past couple weeks, when he found it, he clearly needed to try it!!! The tiny sign for Panther Joose inside the refrigerator said that it is supposed to be strawberry-kiwi flavor!! As with all Joose- Panther Joose is 9.9% alcohol, 23.5oz, and contains taurine, ginseng and caffeine! Like many of the newer Joose beverages, Panther Joose has a pretty cool can for an alcoholic-energy drink!!! The kiwi is impossible to detect in the flavor of Panther Joose, and at first Uncle Jack, Action Man and Marf Century thought that it tasted like watermelon, however, after a second they realized that it really just has the artificial taste of a strawberry Jolly Rancher- very sweet!!!! You really have to like artificial strawberry flavor and sugar to be able to finish this beverage, but if you do, you will be nicely down the road to being wired and fucked-up!!!!!!
FOUR LOKO LEMONADE FLAVOR AND CRANBERRY LEMONADE!!!! BRING THE PAIN!!!!! 3/21/10!!!
With the release of Lemonade Flavor and Cranberry Lemonade, Four Loko introduces perhaps the two most drinkable alcoholic-energy beverages!!!! Both Loko Lemonade Flavor and Loko Cranberry Lemonade are considerably less sweet than many other alcoholic-energy drinks, and less syrupy!! Loko Lemonade Flavor is interesting and has hints of some unknown spices!!! Loko Cranberry Lemonade tastes sort of like cranberry lemonade but something is a little off, not bad though!!!!! Uncle Jack actually drank all of both of these beverages and didn't feel like he got sugar poisoning from doing so, as happens with many alcoholic-energy drinks!!!!! Needless to say, since Loko Lemonade Flavor and Loko Cranberry Lemonade are 23.5 oz and 12% alcohol like all Loko beverages and have the guarana, taurine and caffeine- Uncle Jack was sent to a happy land!!!!! These will certainly be Uncle Jack's alcoholic-energy liquid of choice for some time to come!!!!!!!
SPARKS LEMON STINGER AND CASS FRESH "THE SOUND OF VITALITY"!!! 3/21/10!!!!
A coincidence or not?!!! Sparks releases their lemon flavored concoction at almost the exact same time Loko released theirs (Uncle Jack found Sparks Lemon Stinger one week earlier)!!!! Sparks as noted earlier on this page, is still dumb because it masquerades as an alcoholic-energy drink company when they haven't been for almost 2 years, thus they are now just a flavored malt liquor company!! That said, Sparks Lemon Stinger isn't a bad beverage, it tastes like lemon meringue and has a murky yellow color that looks like it would be great for ruining carpets!!! Fairly sweet, Lemon Stinger is 8% alcohol which is as potent as Sparks gets, it is also 16 ounces like most Sparks!!!! Unless you are trying to avoid energy ingredients, the new Loko Lemonade Flavor is a better tasting drink and it will get you more wasted, so Uncle Jack would say stay with Loko and don't support this sissy brand made by wimps!!
Cass Fresh is a Korean beer which is radical because their slogan is "sound of vitality"... what the hell is that supposed to mean?!!!! This beer sounds just like any other beer!!!!! The bottle declares, "100% non-pasteurized beer provides ultimate refreshment with fizzy and crisp taste"!!!!!! Uncle Jack loves "fizzy and crisp taste"!!!!! In reality this 4.5% alcohol and 640ml beverage (around 24oz) is a little sweet kind of like some Thai beers Uncle Jack has had before, not too bad!!!! But with a slogan like "sound of vitality"... EVERY ONE SHOULD DRINK CASS FRESH!!!!!!
THE BATTLE FOR FRUIT PUNCH SUPREMECY!!!! 5/22/10!!!!!
Uncle Jack recently discovered three fruit punch flavored malt beverages which he had not tried- so, he took them to a party and made other people suffer with him!!! Axis Fruit Punch is clearly a winner as one can tell just by looking at the can!!!! Is that a cool design?!!! With all the other hip looking beverages on the high-alcohol, flavored drink market one would think that Axis could make something a bit less boring looking!!!!! This bland looking can which looks like many a non-alcoholic energy drink, combined with the obscurity of the brand (how many of you have ever seen Axis????) makes Axis the ultimate alcohol beverage for public consumption!!! Only a very close observer will see the 12% alcohol marking on the can and know your awesome secret!!!!!!!! Yes, now it is finally safe to drink and drive (was it ever not?)?!! Axis is not an alcoholic energy drink because its only ingredient other than the 12% alcohol is wormwood oil which doesn't do anything other than serve as a seemingly cool thing to put in the can since wormwood oil was proven recently not to do anything (it was thought in the past to have some hallucinogenic properties)!!!!! The fruit punch flavor is ok and Axis is drinkable, Four Loko Fruit Punch is better however, 7.5 ounces larger, and it does have energy ingredients- Axis is 16oz!!!!
Uncle Jack thought Core Spiked "Spiked Punch" tasted just Like Axis Fruit Punch, and then he noticed that they both only feature wormwood oil, no energy ingredients, and 12% alcohol!!!!! A coincidence... NO, they are both made by Charge Beverages Company in La Crosse Wisconsin!!!!! Thus they are the exact same beverage except Core Spiked comes in a 23.5 ounce can!!!! Woo Hoo!!!!!!
Tilt 12% is our final beverage in the fruit punch taste test for 5/22/10!!!! When Uncle Jack first saw this drink awhile back he thought that Anheuser-Busch just redesigned the Tilt can and he wasn't very interested!! Well, Uncle Jack noticed the 12% on the can finally and thought, "Wow! Budweiser is making a 12% flavored malt liquor, I guess I shall have to try it!!!" As one may recall Tilt like Sparks no longer contains any energy ingredients because they peed their pants when the FDA said they were going to punish them, this is still true for Tilt 12%!!!! Tilt 12% is a "flavored malt beverage" and its flavor is fruit punch! Tilt 12% won the taste test against Axis Fruit Punch and Core Spiked "Spiked Punch"!!!! Tilt 12% is a little less sweet and slightly more interesting tasting then Axis and Core!!! Four Loko Fruit Punch is still bigger and better however with the energy ingredients!!!!! In summary- it is interesting that Anheuser-Busch obviously feels that it needs to try and stay in the high-alcohol flavored beverage market, they are going to need something better and larger than Tilt 12% to cut it however, since 12% alcohol beverages in 23.5 ounce cans have become the norm and many companies still include the energy ingredients which many people enjoy!!!!!!!!!!
WAR OF THE LEMONADES!!!! 5/22/10!!!!!
It seems that all the companies feel they need to introduce an alcoholic-lemonade beverage for the summer since Four Loko did!!! Core Spiked Strawberry Lemonade and Joose Raspberry Lemonade are both 12% alcohol and 23.5 ounces!!! Joose Raspberry Lemonade contains caffeine, ginseng and taurine while Core Spiked Strawberry Lemonade only has wormwood oil just like Core Spiked Spiked Punch!!!! Uncle Jack suspects that Core is ceasing production of flavored malt beverages which contain energy ingredients due to pressure from the FDA! Earlier Core products featured caffeine, ginseng, etc.!!!! Any way, Core Spiked Strawberry Lemonade is the crappiest of the 12% alcohol lemonade drinks on the market with a sweet yet watery strawberry flavor and very little hint of lemonade!!! Joose Raspberry Lemonade mostly tastes like artificial raspberry and is much sweeter and less interesting than the Four Loko lemonade flavors!!!!! Moral of the story- don't waste your time with Spiked Core Strawberry Lemonade and only try Joose Raspberry Lemonade if you like a good sugar fix when you are getting blotto!!!
MORE FLAVORS FOR THE JOOSE EMPIRE!!!! 5/22/10!!!!!
It is interesting that Joose has started producing all of their new flavors at 12% alcohol instead of 9.9% like they used too!!! One can only assume that they felt it was necessary to do so in order to compete with Four Loko, especially with the failure of Joose's Max (12% alc) series of beverages which has been officially terminated!!!! Max R.I.P.... all your flavors sucked!!!!!!!!!!!!! Watermelon Joose and Green Apple Joose both contain caffeine, ginseng and taurine!!! Watermelon Joose is quite artificial tasting and is not as close to Watermelon Jolly Rancher in flavor as Watermelon Four Loko is!!! Watermelon Joose is less sweet than Watermelon Four Loko and was preferred by some for that reason, Uncle Jack prefers the Loko however and feels that there is a slight hint of crappiness in the watered down watermelon flavor of Watermelon Joose!!!! Green Apple Joose is a dead ringer for the taste of a Green Apple Jolly Rancher!!!! Many people at the 5/22 party felt that Green Apple Joose was one of the better alcoholic-energy drinks to be had!! Green Apple Joose seems to be better than Green Apple Max was!!!! Uncle Jack thinks it is hard to drink 23.5 ounces of green apple flavor but green apple fans across the world will love getting trashed off this interesting beverage!!!!!!!!!
MORE SPIKED CORE AND GRAPE AXIS!!!! 7/8/10!!!
Uncle Jack found these three delicious beverages about a month ago, due to his ancient laptop's breakdown he was unable to review them until now!!!! Grape Axis is exciting for the same reason Fruit Punch Axis is, no one has ever heard of it before and it looks just like a non-alcoholic energy drink so you can drink it at all your AA meetings!!!! Like Fruit Punch Axis, Grape Axis only contains 16 ounces of artificial flavors, 12% alcohol and wormwood oil- so it is not actually and alcoholic energy drink!!! Grape Axis has basically the same super sweet and funky artificial grape taste as Core's El Hefe but lacks the impressive 32oz size and energy ingredients!! Grape Axis is not recommended for drinking except in public places where it is sneaky like a spy- there are many better tasting high-alcohol content malt beverages!!!! Core Spiked Orange HG and Lemon Lime contain energy ingredients unlike Axis which is made by the same company and Core Spiked Punch and Strawberry Lemonade?!!! Perhaps these are older cans made before the company dropped the energy ingredients??!! Uncle Jack has no clue why Charge Beverages would make some of their beverages just with wormwood oil and some with energy ingredients?! Core Spiked Orange HG and Lemon Lime both contain taurine, guarana, ginseng, caffeine, and 12% alcohol!!!! Core Spiked Orange HG tastes like a crappy version of Sparks with little hint of orange! Core Spiked Lemon Lime has a delicious citrus flavor comparable to the smell of a lemon lime urinal cake!!! Mmmmm???!!!!!!
WITH GAME DAY, THE GAME IS TRULY ON!!!!! 7/8/10!!!!
While 7 Eleven's delicious store brand beers Game Day Light and Game Day Ice have been around for a number of months now, many people are still unaware of their delicious existence!!!! At about $8.00 for a half-case of 12oz Game Day Light or Ice, Game Day may be 7 Eleven's cheapest brew (As you can see you can also purchase individual 24 ounce cans)!!!!! The Game Day cans boast that they are "Premium Brewed" and "Always traditionally brewed with only the freshest ingredients"!!!! Thus, it is no surprise that both beverages taste like shit!! Game Day light is one of the most sour light beers Uncle Jack has ever tried and Game Day Ice tastes like bad malt liquor!!!!! While most Ice beers make a point of displaying their alcohol content, it is no where to be found on the Game Day Ice can!! If Game Day Ice had an alcohol content of 7% or more maybe it could justify its existence but since it is probably below 5.9% like most ice beers, there is no reason to try this toilet!!!!!!! 7 Eleven get a clue and start over!!!
MICHIGAN MAGNIFICENT MECCA FOR SHITTY MALT LIQUOR!!!!! 8/19/10!!!
On a recent trip to the state of Michigan which is perhaps best know for its lakes full of poop and fields full of garbage, Uncle Jack discovered 5 delicious malt liquors which he has never tried before!!!!!
Jack Hammer High Gravity Lager 24 oz. 11% alc. - Melanie Brewery Co. Inc., Cincinnati, Ohio
Jack Hammer High Gravity Lager tastes just as delicious as Camo, Earthquake or Stack malt liquors, aka it is really sour and horrible!!! At 11% Jack Hammer will certainly help you get a nasty hangover, its pink can will help attract attention from bums, and at only $1.19 it is a great price for bums!!!!!
Axe Head Malt Liquor "King Can" 24 oz. 11% alc. - Minhas Craft Brewery, Monroe, Wisconsin
If you just finished a refreshing 24 ounces of Jack Hammer High Gravity Lager, you will find Axe Head Malt Liquor equally bad and equally cheap!!!! Yeah, brand variety for bums!!!!! This party in a can announces that it is "Union Made", WOW UNIONS, THANKS!!!!!!!
Tundra Ice Lager Beer "Monster Can" 24 oz. 6.2% alc. - Minhas Craft Brewery, Monroe, Wisconsin 53566
More "Union Made" malt liquor from Minhas Craft Brewery!!!! Tundra Ice is ten cents cheaper than Jack Hammer and Axe Head and has almost 5% less alcohol!! Considering that there is so much less alcohol one would expect Tundra Ice to taste better than its brother Axe Head, for some reason this is not the case! Tundra Ice tastes just as bad if not worse, mmmm..... sour vomit flavor!!!!! Don't worry however, Tundra Ice boasts, "No Preservatives, Sans Agents De Conservation"- does that mean it is good for you??!!!!
"The Original" Crazy Stallion Malt Liquor 24 oz. ? alc.- Hornell Brewing Co. Inc., La Crosse Wisconsin
Just how much alcohol is in a malt liquor which does not list its alcohol content?!!!! Uncle Jack has always theorized that the answer is not that much or the company would tell you- since people only drink malt liquor to get wasted quick and cheap!! There is a picture of a horse on the can but the background looks like a cow?!!! And... what is with the cost, $2.59?- that will buy two malt liquors of any other brand!!!!!! Crazy Stallion is much more drinkable than many other malt liquors, less sour and more watery!!! The better taste must reflect Uncle Jack's presumed lower alcohol content!
Nighthawk Premium Malt Liquor 24 oz. ? alc. - Melanie Brewing Co. La Crosse, Wisconsin 54601
"Rule the Night"
Yes, it is now possible to "Rule the Night" simply by drinking a can of malt liquor- Nighthawk Premium Malt Liquor that is!!!!! (Also known as Jessehawk in some parts of the country due to Marf Century's younger brother Jessehawk's love for this "premium" beverage) Melanie Brewing Company's other malt liquor Jack Hammer is one harsh and unpleasant drink, Nighthawk however is much less sour, more watery and reminiscent of "The Original" Crazy Stallion at half the price!!!!! Uncle Jack and his fellow malt liquor connoisseurs could not decide whether Nighthawk or "The Original" Crazy Stallion were better, Uncle Jack would say, "go for the better value and.... RULE THE NIGHT!!!!!" (Once again due to the lack of alcohol content on the labeling, Uncle Jack would guess Nighthawk to be no more than around 6% alcohol!)
JESSEHAWK PRELOADS FOR WORK AT MICHIGAN'S STATE HOME FOR THE UGLY WITH NIGHTHAWK AND SKOL!!!!
UNCLE JACK RETURNS TO HIS IMPORTANT ALCOHOL REVIEWS AFTER A SUMMER FILLED WITH DRUNKEN HOUSE WORK AND SPRAY PAINT!!!!
JOOSE FRUIT PUNCH CLASHES WITH FOUR LOKO FRUIT PUNCH!!!!! 10/26/10!!!
While Joose Fruit Punch has been on the market for a little while, it is one of the most recently released Joose flavors! Uncle Jack thought he would make his late review more relevant by doing a taste test between it and its Four Loko counterpart which has been out since last year!!! Joose Fruit Punch is a lighter drink which seems to have more fizz and less syrup!! For people on the search for sweet- Four Loko Fruit Punch will probably be their drink of choice, for those looking for something which feels a little lighter on the stomach Joose Fruit Punch is the way to go!!!! Both beverages have a flavor reminiscent of Hawaiian Punch with a hint of alcohol!!!! Both beverages are 12% alcohol, 23.5 ounces, and contain caffeine, taurine!!!!! Four Loko Fruit Punch also contains Guarana as does all Loko, and the Joose Fruit Punch contains ginseng as does all Joose! Uncle Jack and his old lady prefer the Joose Fruit Punch because if you are going to partake in drinking an entire 23.5 ounce sugary, alcoholic beverage you mays well go with the one which is easier on the gut, especially if there is a lot of beer to drink afterwards!!!!!!!!!!!!!
FOUR LOKO LEMON LIME FLAVOR, MIKE'S HARDER MANGO AND FRUIT PUNCH AND THE WASHINGTON STATE FOUR LOKO WITCH HUNT!!!!! 10/26/10!!!!!!
The latest Four Loko flavor to hit the stores is Four Loko Lemon Lime!!!! As usual Four Loko Lemon Lime is 23.5 ounces, 12% alcohol and contains caffeine, taurine and guarana!!! While Four Loko Lemon Lime is drinkable, and does a good job of masking the alcohol, it has a very artificial lemon lime flavor that wasn't a very big hit with those that Uncle Jack was drinking with!! The Four Loko lemonade flavors are by far the best Loko flavors still, and best alcoholic energy drink flavors in general!!!!! If you love very artificial lemon lime flavored drinks than Four Loko Lemon Lime may be for you, otherwise, try something else!!!!
Just this past week as many people know, some of the miss-guided citizens of Washington state have been calling for a ban on Four Loko because some college kids got sick and passed out when they drank a shit load of it!!!!!
NEWS FLASH!!!!! If you drink a shit load of alcohol you can get sick, pass out and even possibly die!!! If you drink a lot of a 12% alcohol beverage these things can happen to you!! College kids have been being idiots with alcohol since the creation of college, IT IS NOTHING NEW!!!!! Uncle Jack drank almost an entire fifth of Vodka his first year of college, puked on a friends leg, puked all over his new recliner and then passed out in a pile of mini-doughnuts!!! Some feared he might have alcohol poisoning!!!!!! Fortunately he didn't and can write shit like this today!!!! Does this mean that vodka should be banned??!!!! Hard alcohol is much more dangerous that malt liquor!!!! Let the dumb kids learn their lessons the only way they can, by getting really sick- it is their own fault, not some alcohol company's!!!!! Or... let's just make lots of shit illegal- that would be really cool and is what living in a "free" country is all about???!!!! P.S. they are primarily blaming it on Four Loko's caffeine/alcohol combination does that mean we would have to ban Irish Coffee, all other alcoholic energy drinks, Kahlua, etc.!!!! P.S.S. What are the bums going to drink in Washington if they don't have malt liquor energy drinks any more???!! NEWS FLASH PART 2!!!!!!!! LOTS OF PEOPLE SUCK!!!!! P.S.S.S..... The end of Uncle Jack's rant!!!!!!
Mike's Harder Punch series is clearly their answer to the ever increasing popularity of Four Loko and Joose!!!! Mike's Harder Punches are 8% alcohol, 23.5 ounces and contain no energy ingredients!!! Mike's Harder Mango Punch smells like a sort of skunky mango but has a good mango flavor and is one of the better flavored malt liquors on the market! Mike's Harder Fruit Punch does not taste like Hawaiian Punch as most other malt liquor fruit punches do- which makes it unique, it is slightly watery and has a hint of cane sugar!! Four Loko and Joose Fruit Punches are probably better and will most certainly get one more fucked up, but Mike's Harder Fruit Punch is worth trying!!!!!
WASHINGTON'S FOUR LOKO AND ALCOHOLIC ENERGY DRINK BAN.... EAT SHIT!!!! 11/10/10!!!!!
Yes, that is right!!!! With Michigan and now Washington state banning Four Loko and other alcoholic energy drinks due to a few wild and allegedly Four Loko fueled college parties- drinking Four Loko is now considered the worst sin in the universe!!!! But it is OK!!!! Why? Because Satan lives inside of each can of Four Loko and he makes people drink until they act like idiots and then pass out in a pile of puke!!!! Satan does not live in any other types alcohol??!!! Ozzy Osbourne should change his song "Demon Alcohol" to "Demon Four Loko"!!!!!!! Let us never take responsibility for our own actions! Let us always find a scape goat!!! And God bless America because college kids will never get dangerously drunk again if we wipe the plague of alcoholic energy drinks (Four Loko in particular) from the face of this Earth?????!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. If Four Loko, Joose and others can't sell alcoholic energy drinks anymore, they will just drop the energy ingredients from their products and sell 12% alcohol, flavored malt liquor which will get people just as fucked up!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THINK!!!!!!!!! Free Country???!!!!!!!!!!!
Love, Uncle Jack
THE WHOLE COUNTRY IS DUMB!!!! AKA THE BANNING OF ALCOHOLIC ENERGY DRINKS!!!!! 11/18/10!!!
UNCLE JACK DISPLAYS PART OF HIS ALCOHOLIC ENERGY DRINK STASH!!!! EAT THAT FDA!!!!!!!
Thanks to renewed threats from the FDA and questionable legal action from various states, Four Loko, Joose and their fellow alcoholic energy drink makers are pulling their products from store shelves nation wide and reformulating them to be just flavored malt liquors!!!!! Most certainly college kids and bums will get really drunk on these new beverages after they are released and then blame all of their actions on Four Loko... again!!! Just today Uncle Jack heard a rumor that this was all an elaborate conspiracy by Four Loko to get huge amounts of publicity for free!! When their products return to quality stores throughout the country, they will certainly enjoy their new "bad boy" image!!!!! It is too bad that idiot law makers and politicians have to tell the American public what they can and can't drink! Oh well... thanks cry babies, wimps, and irresponsible shit heads for blaming alcoholic energy drinks for your own shittyness and your children's drunken-fuck-lameness!!!!! Uncle Jack looks forward to sampling and reviewing all the new flavored malt liquors which will result from this apocalypse!!!! Who shall win the new flavored malt liquor war????????!!!!!!!
JACK DANIEL'S COUNTRY COCKTAILS!!!! 11/29/10!!!!!
Uncle Jack discovered these fine Jack Daniel's Country Cocktail 5% alcohol, 16 oz "premium malt beverages" at 44th Market this passed weekend and had to check them out!!!!! While Uncle Jack has been waiting for an alcoholic cola to come on the market for quite some time, Jack Daniel's Black Jack Cola isn't all that great and someone could make a better alcoholic cola drink which has a higher alcohol concentration!!!! Black Jack Cola has some carbonation but could use more, and it tastes like an inferior cola drink mixed with a low-grade batch of Jack Daniel's whiskey!!!! A drink which tastes as close to Coke or Pepsi as possible with little hint of alcohol would be the ultimate alcoholic cola, especially if someone like Four Loko or Joose could pull it off at 12%!!!! If a person wants to drink a beverage which tastes like Jack and Coke they are best off making it themselves that way they can make it to their preferred taste and strength!!!!!
Jack Daniel's Lynchburg Lemonade is one of those beverages that would be great for getting little kids wasted!!!! Although it is only 5%, it tastes very similar to 7up or Sprite and could easily pass for a non-alcoholic beverage!!!! Lynchburg Lemonade's color is sort of a hazy yellow which is different from 7up and Sprite, but it doesn't taste any more like lemonade than they do!!! Easy to drink- a great chick beverage!!!!! Jack Daniel's Lynchburg Lemonade is worth trying, too bad it doesn't pack more punch!!!!!!!!!!
TRANQUILIZER "RELAXATION DRINK"!!!!!!! 11/29/10!!!!
Tranquilizer Relaxation Drink by Herbal Jump Start is not an alcoholic drink but when Uncle Jack saw it he just had to try it because he had been hearing about the emergence of anti-energy drinks for awhile but never seen one!!! Apparently Herbal Jump Start began with Kiwi Strawberry and "Regular" flavored energy drinks!!! Uncle Jack has never heard of Herbal Jump Start before and wants to know what the hell "Regular" flavor is???!! One would have to assume that "Regular" means that it tastes like Red Bull since that was the original energy drink which has been copied one million times over!!!!
Tranquilizer Relaxation Drink contains two servings which each have 100% daily value of niacin, vitamin B6, vitamin B12, and pantothenic acid!!!! It also contain 3% daily value of sodium, 10mg valerian root extract, 10mg rose hips extract, and 1mg melatonin!!!! Last but not least Tranquilizer Relaxation Drink contains unspecified amounts of the following- carbonated water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, natural flavor, sodium citrate, potassium sorbate, sodium benzoate, red 40, blue 1!!!!!!
So what is the effect of all these ingredients???!!!!! According to the can it has the "relax effect", it also says "relax your mind and body with Ease Off"!!!! Tranquilizer Relaxation Drink does taste pretty good, a lot like a melted grape Otter Pop- but better and it is not too syrupy or sweet, it is a light purple in color and well carbonated!! There are also silhouettes of tiny naked chicks on the can... WOW!!!! That certainly gives everybody the "relax effect"!!! The giant syringe looking things which say "Ease Off" are very friendly and calming as well?!!!
As far as sensations of physical or mental change, Uncle Jack drank one of these on two different occasions and felt no different than usual!!!!! Uncle Jack tried the beverage both times completely sober so there would be nothing to interfere with any relaxing feelings!! Since the owner of 44th Market said that all the drinks really do is make a person tired because of the melatonin, Uncle Jack drank them both at night and noticed no difference in the quality of his sleep or his level of sleepiness before going to bed!!!!!!!!
The can warns-
"WARNING: This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent and disease. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product may cause drowsiness. Do not drink this product while driving. Not recommended more than 2 servings within a 24 hour period." Damn!!!!! Where is a drink which can diagnose a disease when you need it?!
To make a long story short- Uncle Jack doesn't think Tranquilizer Relaxation Drink has any sort of anti-energy effect what so ever, it has no effect other than tasting good! Four dollars a can is a lot to pay for a tasty, non-alcoholic beverage!!!!!!
FOUR LOKO RETURNS TO SEND CHILDREN AND BUMS TO THE HOSPITAL!!!! 12/18/10!!!!!
Uncle Jack was pleasantly surprised to find that Four Loko is back on store shelves in time for Christmas!!! Jesus would be pleased!!!! It is not hard to figure out what Santa will be putting in everyone's stockings now!!!!! The bums are rejoicing, the college kids are probably already on their way to the hospital!! Any way, this is the reformulated Four Loko which dropped the caffeine, guarana and taurine making it truly just a flavored malt liquor and no longer an energy drink! (Hint take a Five Hour Energy Shot before drinking your Loko and it will be like nothing has changed!!!!!!!) The reformulated Four Loko is still 23.5 ounces and 12% alcohol!!!
FOUR LOKO- NEW VERSUS OLD!!!
Lemon Lime Flavor- The original formula for Lemon Lime Flavor smelled kind of like limes in a butt, the reformulated Lemon Lime Flavor smells like both lemon and lime and has no hint of butt! The reformulated Lemon Lime Flavor tastes less artificial than the original and has less of an alcohol bite, it is an improvement over the original but is still nothing special, still highly artificial!
Lemonade Flavor- The reformulated Lemonade Flavor is slightly less syrupy, does not have the unusual hint of unknown spice, tastes more like a lemon flavored soda, is lighter on the stomach, and is quite drinkable for a flavored malt liquor! People will find the new flavor an improvement!!
Orange Blend- The reformulated Orange Blend smells better than the original which has a little of the butt scent mixed with orange and mango! The reformulated Orange Blend is slightly better tasting than the original, the alcohol is less noticeable and the drink could pass more easily for an orange/mango soda!!!!
Watermelon Flavor- Once again the reformulated flavor seems to be better!! The reformulated Watermelon flavor is less syrupy, less funky tasting, less sweet than the original, and is an even closer match to the taste of a Watermelon Jolly Rancher!!!!! Uncle Jack still thinks that anybody who wants to drink 23.5 oz. of artificial watermelon flavoring is weird though!
Fruit Punch Flavor- Uncle Jack did not have any old Four Loko Fruit Punch Flavor beverages to compare the reformulated one with! As far as Uncle Jack can remember the flavor is essentially unchanged!!!! Considering that every other new Four Loko is an improvement over the original, Uncle Jack is guessing that he is wrong and that the new one is slightly better!!!
CORE SPIKED TRIPLE BERRY XXX!!!!! 12/27/10!!!
Uncle Jack finally found himself a can of Core Spiked Triple Berry XXX!!!! This is one of the beverages which did not have to get pulled from store shelves because it never had any caffeine or energy ingredients- just 23.5 ounces of 12% alcohol goodness and wormwood oil (which as discussed earlier has no intoxicating effects)!!! Core Spiked Triple Berry XXX tastes a lot like your typical artificial blue raspberry flavored beverage, just slightly different and it is very sweet!! There is nothing special about Core Spiked Triple Berry XXX but people who love sugary drinks and artificial berry flavor may want to try it!
JOOSE RETURNS WITH A NEW ARSENAL OF FLAVORS TO BATTLE FOUR LOKO!!!! 1/25/11!!!
With the arrival of 2011 Joose returns to the arena of the 12% alcohol-flavored malt beverage war with a line-up of brand new flavors!!! Why has Joose decided to release an entirely different collection of flavored alcoholic destruction??!!! Perhaps these were new drinks which they had already made non-caffeine, ginseng, etc. formulas for, in expectation of the alcoholic energy drink ban of late 2010 and they have yet to reformulate the flavors which they had on the market at the time?!! Whatever the case, these new flavors are almost all rather unpleasing. Joose Mas Mango is like a joyous mix of artificial mango and chemicals! Anyone looking for a more drinkable mango flavored malt beverage should try Mike's Harder Mango Punch (Yes, it does have 4% less alcohol but it tastes a lot better)! Joose Cherry Lime is like a bad tasting and chemical version of Cherry 7-Up!!! Joose Kiwi Strawberry is actually a decent drink which tastes basically just like strawberry, Uncle Jack could not detect the kiwi, and the flavor of alcohol is hard to notice! A good beverage for the little kiddies!!!!! Joose Lemonade is drinkable but far inferior to its Four Loko counterpart!!!! The Joose Lemonade is an unnatural and murky yellow, it is fairly thick, has little carbonation and has a pretty artificial lemon flavor!!!! Four Loko's Lemonade on the other hand is a foggy white color like real lemonade, it is less thick, more carbonated and actually tastes like lemonade rather than just artificial lemon!! The alcohol is also harder to detect in the Four Loko Lemonade! The Joose Lemonade is the second best new Joose under Kiwi Strawberry!!!! Moral of the story- all the new Four Loko flavors are greatly superior to the new Joose, except for Kiwi Strawberry which artificial strawberry fans will probably enjoy!!!!!
Point of interest- The background designs for the new Joose cans make them look quite similar to Four Loko (see some of the Four Loko pics above)!!!! This fact is quite noticeable when you see them together in the fridge at your local mini mart!!! Uncle Jack thinks this can hardly be a coincidence and while the Joose cans are cooler looking overall- their clear mimicry of Four Loko is rather pathetic! Is Joose attempting to confuse people into buying their product by making them think it is the same as Four Loko?!!! Strange! Joose- don't copy, just make better tasting drinks!!!!!
FOUR LOKO XXX GREEN APPLE FLAVOR "LIMITED EDITION"!!!! 1/25/11!!
A "limited edition" Four Loko.... how amazing and what does it mean???!!!! This Four Loko is also the first Four Loko to bear the XXX mark!!! Other than XXX porno- XXX generally implies high alcohol and this Four Loko Green Apple Flavor has 12% alcohol just like all the other Four Loko flavors, so why the XXX!! Perhaps the XXX sign will be limited to all future "limited edition" Four Loko productions! Uncle Jack thinks that this Green Apple Flavor is a "limited edition" because he doesn't think there are that many people who want to drink a beverage which tastes like artificial green apple!!!!! After most people try Four Loko Green Apple Flavor they will probably not buy it again and Four Loko knows this so they call it "limited edition" so that it is no surprise when its production ceases!!! Four Loko Green Apple Flavor is not as good the old Green Apple Joose was!! Green Apple Joose was a dead ringer for a green apple Jolly Rancher in flavor! Four Loko Green Apple Flavor tastes like a cheap, green apple sucker mixed with a hint of chemicals and alcohol!!! Uncle Jack did not drink very much of his Four Loko Green Apple Flavor and would only recommend it to hard-core artificial, green apple flavor fans who want to get faded!!!
GENNY LIGHT AND NORTHERN GOLDEN LAGER!!!! SHIT IN A CAN!!!! 1/25/11!!!!!!
It wasn't until sometime in 2010 that Uncle Jack noticed Genesee cans beginning to decorate the landscape of Washington state!!!! While Genesee has been on the East Coast for quite some time and maybe the Midwest, Uncle Jack is pretty sure it is new to Washington!!!! Why are the cans all over, because it is generally the cheapest beer where ever it is found... for good reason... it tastes like poop!!!!! Genny Light is Genesee's light beer and it sucks crap in every amazing way!!! First there is the can that looks like it should contain water!!! It is blue and there is splashing water on it!! Second- what the fuck kind of name is Genny Light???!!!! The name makes one think of Jenny Craig, weight loss programs, and a product that only chicks should drink!!!!! What guy is going to feel like a man asking his buddies, "So who wants a Genny Light?"!!!!! Third- despite its watery appearance and girly name, Genny Light is the most skunky tasting and smelling light beer Uncle Jack has ever had the pleasure of trying! Spend a few cents more for a different beer, Genesee and Genny Light are like blow jobs on a maggot infested dick!!!!!!!!
Northern "Golden Lager"- if Genesee and Genny Light are like blow jobs on a maggot infested dick, Northern "Golden Lager" is like a blow job on a shit-covered, rotten, scabby, pus-filled, bloody, deformed, maggot and beetle infested dick!!!! Uncle Jack found this disgrace of a beer at a Grocery Outlet store and thought it looked awesome because he had never seen it before and there are hunters drinking coffee on the half case!!! The sad truth is, Northern "Golden Lager" is at the Grocery Outlet because it sucks beyond belief and nowhere else will take it!! The interesting thing is that each can tastes different, an occasional can or two even tastes ok- like Busch or some other cheap beer but most the cans taste like shit!!!! What went wrong at the Northern factory?!!! Perhaps the world will never know!!!!!! Everyone who Uncle Jack has let try Northern "Golden Lager" totally hated the beer and said it was one of the worst they have ever had!!! Uncle Jack thinks that it is the worst cheap beer which he has ever had!!!! The worst cans taste like skunky, sour aluminum... delicious???!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever buy it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! P.S. all the unusual brands of beer Uncle Jack has purchased from the Grocery Outlet were bad and when he bought two bottle of champagne at the Grocery Outlet they were both flat!!!! Don't buy booze there!!!!!!!!!!
IN REGARDS TO THE REVIEW OF FLAVORED MALT LIQUORS, UNCLE JACK DECLARES THAT THEY ALL SUCK AND ARE STUPID NOW THAT THEY CAN NO LONGER CONTAIN ENERGY INGREDIENTS!!!!! UNCLE JACK WILL NO LONGER REVIEW FLAVORED MALT LIQUORS BECAUSE BEER IS WAY BETTER AND DRINKING IT DOES NOT REGULARLY RESULT IN A SUGAR-POISONED-HANG-OVER, LIKE DRINKING FLAVORED MALT LIQUOR USUALLY DOES. FOUR LOKO, JOOSE, AND ALL YOU OTHER FLAVORED MOFOs... IT IS OVER... YOU ARE NOW POINTLESS... GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!