Yes, "There Can Be Only One ...Winner." Hmm sounds like a lame version of the the Highlander slogan. However, do not be fooled, Fist Fighter is in a league of greatness far beyond that of Highlander, or most other films. Definitely better than your average getting punched in the face movie, Fist Fighter boasts ...a lot of getting punched in the face!
George Rivero is "C.J. Thunderbird," what a cool name! C.J. enters the world of underground bare-fisted boxing to earn some cash, and win the love of an ugly dog! But all is not guns and roses forever, soon C.J.'s best friend is beaten to death by the murderous Rhino (Matthias Hues), and it is time for revenge and more fun with his ugly dog! The most notable feature of this film, other than that Rhino is a really cool guy, and the dog is very ugly, is the magical fight scenes! The fights consist of guys punching each other over and over again in the face, and barely ever dodging or blocking, great! Sometimes they punch each other in the guts! You have to see it to believe it! There is also a special appearance by World Wrestling Champion Superstar Billy Graham apparently, don't know who he was, must have been awesome though!
Punching in the Face Film- Fist Fighter (1989)- *****
Needless to say the coolest thing about Deadly Prey (aka Deadly Target), is the really dope painting on the cover of the box! (Deadly Target does not have this dope painting so don't get that version!) I really like the swell knife he put through his sexy shorts on the cover! Don't worry, Mike Danton (Ted Prior), the "most perfect killer ever," does wear shorts just like that in the movie, maybe they are even shorter!
Any ways, Deadly Prey is one of those really good films like Ice-T's "The Game," about a Vietnam vet who is captured and hunted, in this case to train mercenaries, instead of just for rich psychopaths' pleasure.
The acting in this film is most excellent! Best of all, this mercenary training camp is located just 75 miles south of Los Angeles, of course! Why not! The ultimate reason to see Deadly Prey however, is to see Ted Prior running around in just his tiny shorts, sharpening sticks and throwing them at people! And, the final surprise, yes, I'm going to ruin it for you! The mad man who runs the camp, Colonel John Hogan, "professional soldier discharged from the army for his excessive and wanton violence," is...that's right, Mike Danton's old commanding officer, how original!
Bad, Low-Budget, Rambo Type Film, Deadly Prey (1987)- *****
Deadly Prey- Spear Scene Video Clip!
Yes, these movies are just as good as their boxes make them look. Video 2 Video Productions is very skilled with a cheap- 80s VHS camcorder, horrible actors, and the technique of killing the same bad guys over and over again with no costume changes.
"A tragic error in shelling during the Vietnam conflict, leaves the only surviving infantryman thirsting for revenge against the U.S. artillery officer and men responsible. At home, the opportunity arises when the artillery annual re-union plays war games in a remote area using paint pellets. The deranged serviceman engages his "enemy" armed with real ammunition. As real and shocking as today's headlines."
"In 1990 after the collapse of modern civilization due to atomic accidents and the failure of the world's economy, a young couple try to carry on a quite life in an uncivilized world. They are joined by a wandering soldier of fortune who helps them survive repeated attacks of the mutant packs of human scavengers that have begun to evolve back into animals. A darker threat comes however, from a lone figure shadowing them wherever they go."
About the lowest budget, crappiest films you will ever see (Date? 80s) - ****
Look similar? Well, they are! Both AIP productions (DWI strongly recommends one watches as many AIP films as possible! They are fine examples of really bad movies), Future Zone and Future Force are actually two of the better AIP films I have seen, so, if you watch them, you will understand just how shitty AIP is (aka great)! Anything David Carradine is in obviously has at the very least, the goodness of his great acting! No, he won't let you down in these films, especially because he has a remote control glove that can fly! and looks kind of like a modified Nintendo Power Glove! You need a special glove to hold your pistol! It helps for punching bad guys too! The only way these films could be better would be if Ted Prior sharpened some sticks!
Dumb, Future-Cop with Power Glove Films- Future Zone(1989) Future Force (1990)- ***
The Divine Enforcer (1991)- (Feat. Michael Foley, Don Stroud, Jan Michael Vincent, Erik Estrada, Jim Brown, Judy Landers, Robert Z'Dar, Carrie Chambers, Hiroko)
The Divine Enforcer is so bad it is good! Michael Foley plays a tough guy/psychic who pretends to be a priest (Father Daniel)! After extracting juicy bits of criminal information from people in confession, Foley takes to the streets to exact holy vengeance! With an arsenal consisting of crucifix daggers, crucifix throwing stars, and a .45 caliber handgun with a crucifix, Foley is the ultimate weapon! The big name B movie actors which appear in this film have very small parts! Erik Estrada plays the "Monsignor" of Foley's church! Jan Michael Vincent plays "Father Thomas" a niece priest who enjoys reading about murders in the newspaper! Robert Z'Dar (the man with the crazy face!) plays a cocaine dealing mafioso for about 2 minutes! And Jim Brown plays the part of a cocaine supplier for about 2 minutes!
Don Stroud (I've never heard of him) steals the show however, as, Otis- an insane killer who drains prostitutes of their blood and takes out their skulls to make cereal bowls and house decorations! He needs to drink his victims blood or inject it in himself with a syringe because he has blood poisoning! His father stole one of his arteries after he killed the family dog, or so Otis says- this gives Otis blood poisoning, of course!!! Human blood is the best fix for his blood poisoning but animal blood apparently helps too!
While the soundtrack in this film is really irregular in volume and most the people are terrible actors, including the lead- Michael Foley, it all only helps to increase the movie's goodness! Below are to video clips from the film!
Directed by Robert Rundle
Video Clip of Father Daniel at Confession and his Arsenal!
Video Clip of The Tortures of Otis and His Talking Skull!
Robbers of the Sacred Mountain (1984)- (Feat. John Marley, Simon MacCorkindale, Louise Vallance)
While this movie started out ok, it quickly proved to be redundant and an extreme bore! Low budget adventure films just don't work! There are a couple spiders, some rats, one snake, and a lot of stupid bad guys who all have the same cowboy style riffle! It is amazing how many dirt roads clearly made by cars are in the deep jungle where the natives have never seen a helicopter! Everyone in this film is annoying, the villain's super laser which stops all the world's power for a few minutes is crappy! If it wasn't for the fact that this film really sucks it would still really suck!
Directed by Bob Schulz
Raiders of Atlantis (1983)- (Feat. Christopher Connelly, Marie Fields, Tony King, Mike Miller, Ivan Rassimov)
Raiders of Atlantis is a very shitty combination of Road Warrior and Indiana Jones! When American scientists try and lift a Russian nuclear sub from deep off the ocean floor the ancient city of Atlantis rises out of the water! Why this happens is never explained well at all! What is the first thing the people of Atlantis want to do after being at the bottom of the ocean for around 2000 years? Kill all the people in the world! Of Course! It is amazing how the people of Atlantis have all the same technologies that the modern world does like, motorcycles and cars with spikes all over them, and machine guns! The people of Atlantis even speak english! Awesome! After a boring intro this film turns into a very poorly made action film! Raiders of Atlantis also boasts the worst case of guns that never run out of bullets ever! Our heroes find machine guns randomly hidden in a box in a warehouse that seem to have an infinite number of bullets?!! There is nothing else worth saying about this piece of poop! Really terrible in every way!
Directed by- Roger Franklin
Video Clip of The Evil, Armored Vehicles from Atlantis on the Prowl!!
The Invincible Barbarian (1983)-
(Interesting note- nowhere on the box or in the movie does it mention who stars in, directs or produces this movie! In the end it does mention who did the make-up, wigs, footwear, key grip, etc.?!)
The star of this film is the narrator who constantly says dramatic things about men and the universe while scenes of space and stop-motion dinosaurs flash by! The dinosaurs appear nowhere in the movie other than during the first narration sequence, I suspect they were stolen from another film! The Invincible Barbarian is GUNAN! He is really radical! GUNAN jumps all the time, it helps with everything, especially fighting! GUNAN has big muscles and nice hiking boots! GUNAN must the avenge the death of his family, that means destroying the evil men known as the UNGAT and their leader MAGEN! Some of the UNGAT wear Converse shoes?! I didn't know Converse shoes existed in ancient times! GUNAN has a lady friend that spends a lot of her time topless in a prehistoric thong, hot! The fight scenes are terrible and numerous with very little blood! There is one nice head on a stick scene! I believe the movie is Italian, it is dubbed very badly, this is of course cool! This film is sort of funny in its crappiness but don't go out of your way to find it!
Video Clip of GUNAN Avenging His Brother's Death (The Head on the Stick)!!!
Firehead (1990)- (Feat. Bret Porter, Christopher Plummer, Chris Lemmon, Martin Landau, Gretchen Becker)
AIP Studios once again proves to the world that it is plenty capable of making wonderfully sucky movies! Firehead spins the yarn of a Russian soldier/explosives specialist with telekinetic powers who defects to the United States after being asked to kill civilians (about ten stupid people with a shitty barricade and paper signs protesting for their freedom)! Apparently telekinetic powers means the ability to shoot electricity out of one's eyes, teleport, and make a small, rectangular energy shield?! Uncle Jack thought telekinesis was about using the mind to move things?! Any way, after defecting to the good old USA, our Russian with magical powers begins blowing up military equipment production facilities (with C4- his powers are really lame and take too long to regenerate so he doesn't use them very much)! An old friend of the super Russian is sent to talk to him and try and get him to stop blowing up factories! Soon one realizes a group of elite business men who produce military goods has a plan to start WWIII so they can make some cash (who wouldn't?) and are trying to use the Russian's attacks as justification for war!
Great sounding movie huh?! Nope! This flick boasts the worst shoot-outs Uncle Jack has ever seen! All gun battles happen at a range of about ten feet or less and usually no one gets hurt! Even when machine guns are being used! The electricity shooting eye effect are terrible! The acting is hideous! The story is full of more holes than Al Capone's body and the climax of the movie sucks beyond belief, it definitely can not be called a climax (more like a Tampax!)! There are pictures from the back of the box below to help illustrate the crappy-shits of this vomit-barf!
Produced and Directed by Peter Yuval
Video Clip of all Laser Shooting Scenes from Firehead and the Heart Warming Campfire Chat!
Yes, Firehead is as Good as it Looks?!
Skeleton Coast (1989)- (Feat. Ernest Borgnine, Daniel Green, Oliver Reed, Herbert Lom, Robert Vaughan, Leon Issac Kennedy, Nancy Mulford, Peter Kwong, Robin Townsend, Simon Sabela)
Skeleton Coast would perhaps be more aptly named Stupid Coast! Ernest Borgnine stars as an old, American businessman who recruits an army of seven! mercenaries to help him rescue his CIA operative son from a crappy fortress somewhere in Africa! Borgnine's band of killing professionals includes a guy named "Blade" who only pulls out his knives once, a karate expert who never uses his karate skills, an old, English soldier who likes taking off his shirt to show off his man boobs, a really hot chick who hands out lunch, wears a revealing tank top and shoots people with an uzi, and some other not so notable characters!
On way to the fortress our band of misfits has several lame misadventures like a pointless run in with the ruthless owner of a diamond mining company played by Oliver Reed (an actor who is too good for this film, think "Lord of Illusions")! All the action sequences in this movie stink, a lot of people being shot at with machine guns and not getting hit! Almost the entire band of mercenaries lives until the really poopy end of the film! And what are the evil Germans doing running the corrupt military in this African country anyway? Oh well, at least there is the hot chick with coffee, sandwiches and an uzi!
Directed by John "Bud" Cardos (It should be John "Lame" Cardos)
Video Clip of Borgnine's First Meeting with the Skeleton Coast Mercenaries!
Blazing Force (1997)- (Feat. Tyrone Wade, Paul Logan, My Tran, James Gordon, Jana Mitsula)
This movie is instantly recognizable as a worthless piece of shit! The acting is totally amateur and god awful, the video quality sucks (clearly an old super VHS camera), the filming/directing blows, the script is vomit, the fight choreography worthless scabs, one of the worst lowest budget films Uncle Jack has ever seen! This film is such a rancid pile of road kill that it literally makes the viewer nauseous to watch it! Uncle Jack made it through about 15 minutes of this trash before he had to shut it off! Note to director- if you film an on-foot chase scene in a big market and the the passers by are staring at the actors and camera man wondering what the hell you are doing, your film will be fucking crappy! Many badly made films are funny this one is one million times too much of a razor blade blow job for that to be the case! Take a bullet to the head before you take this movie to the eyes!!
Directed by Mark J. Gordon (may you rest in pieces for this abomination!)
Video Clip From Blazing Force of Crack Dealer Arrest and The Death of a Bum! Video Proof That This Movie Sucks!
Scorpion (1987)- (Feat. Tonny Tulleners, Don Murray, Robert Logan, Allen Williams, Kathryn Daley, John Anderson)
Scorpion aka International Karate Champion Tonny Tulleners has a moustache just like Chuck Norris and according to the front of the box he fought Chuck Norris three times and Norris never got even! Too bad this movie is way more lame than any Chuck Norris film! The few fight scenes which show up in this tired piece of work are very poorly choreographed and very poorly filmed! Scorpion is booked as an "action-thriller" it is neither of these things! For the United States' best secret agent Scorpion sure does a lot of dumb things and is a crappy actor! There is a timely theme to this film, terrorists from the middle east are planning attacks against targets in the US, other than this coincidence this movie has nothing going for it! A real sleeper!
Written, Produced and Directed by William "Sucky" Riead
Video Clip of Scorpion Taking Out The Terrorists On A Plane! Most Action Of The Whole Movie!!!!
Repo Jake (1990)- (Feat. Dan Haggerty, Dana Bently, Steve Wilcox, Robert Axelrod, Jim Williams, Stacy Upton, Bonnie Paine, Paul Hayes)
Repo Jake is a good movie... or a piece of shit! This crappy film has all the markings of an AIP film, however, it is produced by PM Home Video, thanks guys! Repo Jake features lousy slap-stick humor, lame car racing, a stupid helicopter repo, bad acting, and horrible rapping by a repo man named "JAM"! The horrible rapping is the best part of the movie! A ten year old boy could have made this film and that does seem to be its target audience, they even throw in some boobs for little boys' prepubescent pleasure! Repo Jake is one of many movies which has to be viewed to truly understand its complete suckiness! Story- Repo Jake (Dan Haggerty) moves to LA because the repo business is booming there! Repo Jake has to make $60,000 fast to stop his house Minnesota from becoming part of a highway! Repo Jake is really good at his job! Repo Jake is really good at car racing and flying helicopters! Repo Jake runs into trouble with a drug and prostitution ring! Repo Jake has a stupid necklace! The End!
Directed by Joseph Merhi
Video Clip of Repo Jake Meeting the Repo Gang, Repoing His First Car, and Jam's Crappy Rapping!!!
Double Edge (1997)- (Feat. Michael Biehn, Joong-Hoon Park, Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, Don Stark, Byron Mann)
Double Edge is a regular male testosterone-fest of punching, kicking and bloody shootings! Yet another action film that proves a person can be treated like a human punching bag and come out cracking crappy jokes with only a couple scratches! Oh yeah, it is real easy to dodge bullets too, another typical action film lesson! Double Edge weaves a lame tale of a gang war in New York between the mob and the Yakuza, both of whom are unknowingly puppets of a shadowy crime syndicate known as The Black Lotus Society! Michael Biehn and Joong-Hoon Park play two unlikable cops who are determined to stop a gang war and a Black Lotus Society killer! Our "heroes" spend almost as much time punching each other in the face and arguing as they do busting the asses of "bad guys"! It is really great when Park's character manages to defeat the Black Lotus' knife wielding assassin who can kill five armed with machine guns at once... so believable?!!! Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (the scary looking guy on the front of the box) is always a good villain, however, his role in this movie as head of the New York Yakuza is tiny and he has only about 3 lines, so no help for this wretched film there!! This movie is shit!!!
Directed by Ralph Hemecker (AKA Mr. Lame Action Movie Director)
The Chosen One "Legend of the Raven" (Carmen Electra, Shauna Sand Lamas, Michael Stadvec, Dave Oliver)
Imagine that, Troma Team Video once again proves that they make some of the world's worst fucking crap!!! Holy shit is this movie really not worth talking about!!! Does Carmen Electra get naked?! Yes, a couple times- and you get to see her boobs for about 3 seconds, that is by far the only thing not totally boring and crappy in this rotten, bile-inducing flick!!! Uncle Jack will break it down real quick- Carmen Electra is half Native American apparently and destined to save the world from evil after her shaman father gives her a stupid necklace! What is this evil?! The most lousy actor ever who plays a annoyingly lame serial killer!!! Don't watch this ever!!! Uncle Jack made it through about 30 minutes and realized he was being an idiot!! Troma Team please drink poisoned Kool-Aid and burn all the movies you ever made!!!
Directed by Lawrence Lanoff (Please get hit by a cement truck today!!!)
Video Clip of Electra Putting on Her Crummy Costume and Beating Some People Up From The Chosen One!!!
L.A. Wars (1994)- (Feat. Vince Murdocco, Mary E. Zilba, A.J. Stephans, Johnny Venokur, Rodrigo Obregon, David Jean Thomas, Kerri Kasem, Sam Sabbagh)
L.A. Wars is a mediocre action film of little interest! Vince Murdocco is a fine crummy actor though! The only thing worth mentioning about this film is the radical scene when Murdocco saves a girl from an assassination attempt by rivals of her father's mob and that evening she says "And now let me thank you my way," and she takes off her clothes and as you can imagine... they get it on! When this happens you are certain it must be a dream sequence but I can awesomely assure you, it is not, that is just how cheesy this film is!!!! So after this great life saving feat of Murdocco's he gets his sex and hired to be the girl's personal body guard by her father and then hired by the police to spy on her dad... Enough said, there are better action films to watch!
Directed by Martin Morris and Tony Kandah
Hangmen (1987)- (Feat. Richard R. Washburn, Jake Lamotta, Dog Thomas, Kosmo Vinyl, Keith Bogart)
The most notable fact about this dumb and boring film is that it has a very young Sandra Bullock in it, before she was famous, she doesn't even get mention on the box! Bullock plays the girlfriend of the movie's star- a stupid college kid who's dad is a spy! His father sends him an email on a really old modem and all these numbers flash all over the screen!! It is the coolest part of the show and there are at least one or two more emails sent by people in the show and numbers always start appearing all over the screen!!! Cool!!!! I love 80's modems they are so high-tech!!! In the email the father warns his son that he knows a secret and might be in trouble!!! Don't worry in the whole movie you never learn what this super-secret is!!! It is so great!!! When evil government agents intercept the numbers from this email (they can't tell what it says) they decide that the kid may know too much and needs to be terminated along with his father and the rest of his family!!! As the movie progress it is continually STUPID!!! The men who were in Vietnam with the kid's dad that help him destroy the "bad guys" who are out to get him- are all sucky actors and basically this movie sucks and I don't want to write about it any more!!!!
Directed by J. Christian Ingvordsen
Lady Avenger (1989)- (Feat. Peggie Sanders, Tony Josephs, Jacolyn Leeman, Daniel Hirsch, Bill Butler)
Like the box says, "The only thing she couldn't remember... was how to act!" This film is just as bad as one could dream! Our "Lady Avenger" played by Peggie Sanders is both a lousy actor and a highly unbelievable tough girl! After her brother is murdered by very lame drug pushers "Lady Avenger" is let out of prison (where she was being held on false drug charges) to go to his funeral! "Lady Avenger" is escorted at all times by an over-weight, female prison guard until she makes a break for it after the funeral so she can hit the streets and "avenge" her brothers death!!! The villains in this show are masters of over-acting and really make you hate them almost as much as you will dislike "Lady Avenger" for her crappy fighting skills and the really dumb looks she always has on her face!!! You will however love the red bandana "Lady Avenger" always wears when she is in revenge mode and her aviator sunglasses which are too big for her so she always has to walk around with her head tilted back so they don't fall off!!! The only thing boys could enjoy about this movie is "Lady Avenger's" hot friend who seems to have her shirt off almost all the time!!!! Regardless- if you watch this movie you are as dumb as Uncle Jack!!!
Directed by David DeCoteau
Lady Avenger Video Clip of Lady Avenger's Lame Shout-Out With Some Stupid Thugs!!! The VHS Was Quite Dirty So There Is A Little Fuzz Occasionally!!! Too Bad You Can't See This in HD???!!!!