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BEST ACTION FILMS 5!!!!!!


Final Mission (1984)- (Feat. Richard Young, John Dresden, Kaz Garaz, Christine Tudor)
Final Mission is one of the best Rambo "First Blood" rip-offs ever!!!!! Vietnam Veteran Vince Deacon (Richard Young) is suspended from the L.A.P.D. Swat Team for killing a bad dude!!! Deacon decides to take his wife and son camping to get away from it all and when on the trip the boat his family is in explodes!!!! Deacon manages to discover a piece of the explosive device on the beach and figures out that it has military origins!! With the help of a friend in the government Deacon manages to deduce that the person who placed the explosives was a traitor in his army unit during the war, a man who he captured!!!
Deacon's quest for the killer takes him to a small red neck town where the sheriff is the man he is looking for's brother!! Soon a whole horde of white trash is chasing Deacon down and trying to destroy him after he fails to take his target's life!!!!!! DON'T WORRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Deacon comes across a gun shop in the small town with a giant MG 82 machine gun in the window complete with a shit load of bullets! After Deacon steals the gun all Hell breaks loose!!!!! Lots and lots of dudes get gunned down until the army gets called in and a butt load of them get wasted as well!!!!! The mental stress of this ordeal is apparently too much for Deacon to take and he starts hallucinating that he is back in Vietnam fighting the enemy!! What will happen?!!!!!!! Will he be forgiven for killing an insane number of people??!!! Only you can find out!!
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
***


Heated Vengeance (1985)- (Feat. Richard Hatch, Michael J. Pollard, Dennis Patrick, Mills Watson, Cameron Dye, Ron Max, Jolina Mitchell-Collins, Robert Walker)
Heated Vengeance is a typical action film with nothing special about it! Richard Hatch plays Lt. Hoffman, a man who returns to Vietnam years after the war ended to find his lost true love!!! Hoffman finds his true love but he also gets found by Bingo (Ron Max), a man he had court marshalled for raping a Vietnamese girl during the war!! Angered by this past offense, Bingo and some of his ex-soldier friends now turned drug manufacturers- kidnap Hoffman and take him to their secret jungle headquarters!!!! Needless to say Hoffman escapes and kills lots of thugs!! This movie's highlight is the very end when Bingo tracks Hoffman down to a tiny Vietnamese village and tries to kill him with a flame thrower, thus the title- "Heated Vengeance"!! Not recommended unless one has nothing better to do!!!!
Written, Produced and Directed by Edward Murphy
*


The Black Cobra (1987)- (Feat. Fred Williamson, Eva Grimaldi, Karl Landgren)
The Black Cobra is a cheesy Italian film which stars the "blaxploitation" great, Fred Williamson!!!! Williamson plays police sergeant Robert Malone- a tough dude who shoots first and asks questions later!! Malone has a cat named Pervis who will only eat food out of cans with red labels!!!!!
At the beginning of The Black Cobra a group of terrorists has taken a few hostages at a public pool!! Realizing they have a difficult situation on their hands, the cops call in Malone to handle the problem! Malone just walks right into the pool and guns down the terrorists because he is cool!!! When Malone's boss complains, Malone informs him the the terrorists were scum! Malone's next assignment is considerably more difficult!!!!! Malone has to protect fashion photographer Elys Trumbo (Eva Grimaldi) from a group of motorbike riding thugs in black leather who live in an abandoned factory with bums and spend all their non-bum time killing and raping random individuals!!!! Trumbo caught the unsavory fellows killing her neighbors and took a photo of their leader Snake (Karl Landgren)!!! Snake is a mean looking hombre with gold teeth who doesn't say much and beats up his underlings if they give him any grief or use cocaine! Killing, yes! Cocaine, no!!! Why Snake wants to make sure nobody knows who he is never really makes any sense since he and his boys don't seem to give a shit about anything and live with bums!
Snake's gang does not have cool bikes like on the cover of the box, the bikes in the movie are just dirt bikes!!!! Italian films from the 80s often feature cover art where the artist greatly embellishes the film's reality!! Over all The Black Cobra is rather boring, unimaginative and essentially a blatant rip-off of Sylvester Stalone's awesome film "Cobra" from a year earlier!!! The Black Cobra would probably be decent, mindless entertainment for someone with a bad hangover who can't get off the couch!!!!!!
Directed by Stelvio Massi (Credited as Stell Mass)
*


One Way Out (1996)- (Feat. Jack Gwaltney, Jeff Monahan, Isabel Gillies, Robert Turano, Annie Golden, Michael Ironside)
One Way Out is a more interesting film then one would judge from the cover of the VHS!!! The film tells the tale of a man named Frank (Jack Gwaltney) who gets out of jail for robbery and returns to his dead parent's farm with an old robbery pal and his pal's stripper girlfriend to discover that the bank is about to foreclose on his brother due to something his brother's boss did with his brother's paychecks!!! Frank's brother Snooky (Robert Turano) is a mentally disabled mechanic, so he was oblivious to this problem!! Angry, Frank decides to get revenge on Snooky's boss, Walt (Michael Ironside) by robbing him!!!! When the robbery is botched and Walt is accidentally shot, the group hits the road with Walt's secretary who they kidnap because she stumbled upon the crime!! As the gang goes about their journey they rob gas stations and convenience stores and the secretary rather unbelievably falls in love with Frank and decides to stay with the group!!
Most of the film is just the characters bull shitting in various different locations like hotels or empty fields! One Way Out is not an action film!! The film is done in a fairly artistic style and contains some well filmed scenes!!! The film almost ends really cool but then some stupid, nice shit is thrown in so no one feels bad!!!! Frank's friend Bobby (Jeff Monahan)- a crazy, dirty dude who likes to get wasted, is the most interesting character in the film other than Michael Ironside's Walt who is only in it for around 10 minutes!! People who enjoy things which are a little strange may enjoy One Way Out, but it is nothing all that special!
Directed by Kevin Lynn
**


Fist of Honor (1993)- (Feat. Sam Jones, Joey House, Harry Guardino, Abe Vigoda, Bubba Smith)
Fist of Honor is a film for fans of crummy action flicks!!!! Sam Jones is "Fist" Sullivan, an Irish debt collector for mob boss, Dino Diamond (Harry Guardino)!! When people don't pay what they owe, Fist finds them and punches it out of them! Despite his violent profession, Fist is a nice guy and thinks that his boss isn't really all that bad of a dude!!!!! When a truce between Diamond and a rival mob lead by Victor Malucci (Abe Vigoda) is broken, things get bad for Fist!! Before long Fist realizes that his boss is the baddest of the bad and he crosses over to do work for Malucci! Punch by punch, Fist beats his way to revenge!
The fights which Fist gets into in Fist of Honor are reminiscent of the great film Fist Fighter, meaning that Fist takes a lot of beatings but thanks to his toughness and size he can just stand there and take it until he is able to batter his opponents into submission!!!! There is a dumb sub-plot about a young girl that is Fist's neighbor! The girl's father beats her and her mom up so Fist teaches her how to box!!! The viewer assumes that she will use these skills on her dad but that never happens!
Dino Diamond and his mob are really bad dudes who do some ruthless stuff in the movie and they are definitely the highlight of the show!!!! Other than these really bad dudes, everything else about Fist of Honor is pretty mediocre!
Directed by Richard Pepin
**


The Sweeper (1996)- (Feat. C. Thomas Howell, Jeff Fahey, Ed Lauter, Kristen Dalton, Janet Gunn, Felton Perry, Max Slade, Cynda Williams)
The Sweeper is a piece of shit movie which has Jeff Fahey in it for about ten minutes!!!! There is really nothing worth saying about it except that the guys who the hero/cop, C. Thomas Howell gets revenge on are not the same ones who killed his family!!!!! They are from the same organization but are not the same guys- very weird! There is an ultra-crappy final battle on a biplane which begins on a freeway..... which = SUCKS!!!! THE END!!!!!!
Directed by Joseph Merhi
*


Chain of Command (1994)- (Feat. Michael Dudikoff, R. Lee Ermey, Todd Curtis, Keren Tishman)
Chain of Command is a lousy action film and one of Michael Dudikoff's worst movies! Dudikoff plays an ex-military man who now works for an oil company somewhere in the Middle East!!! Terrorists attack and kill everyone at a refinery where Dudikoff works!! Dudikoff discovers that the owners of the refinery are behind the massacre and has to go kill them!!!! Nothing in the film is done well, boring trash!!!
Directed by David Worth
*


Angels "Hell on Harleys" (1971)- (Feat. Scott Glenn, Charles Dierkop, Gilda Texter, James Inglehart, Gary Busey)
Angels "Hell on Harleys", originally know as "Angels Hard as They Come" is notable because it features Gary Busey's first movie appearance!!! While Busey's role is minor as the leader of a group of hippies that live in a ghost town which is infested with a gang of bikers know as "The Dragons", he does a good job considering his inexperience!!
Angels "Hell on Harleys" is actually one of the better biker films which Uncle Jack has seen (mind you this isn't saying much because all the ones he can think of sucked hard)!!!! Scott Glen is the movie's star as Long John, the leader of the Angels biker gang! Long John and a couple of his Angel gang members are invited to Party with The Dragons at a ghost town in the middle of a desert!!! When some members of The Dragons accidentally kill a hippy chick they blame it on Long John and his friends!! The group is put on a rigged trial presided over by The General (Charles Dierkop) the leader of The Dragons!!!!!! They are found guilty and sentenced to a slow death via harmful games which The Dragons make up!! Fortunately for Long John one of his men escapes and brings the rest of the Angels to the ghost town to kick some Dragon butt!!!!!
The acting, script and story in Angels "Hell on Harleys" are much better than in many other biker films which Uncle Jack has seen!!! Charles Dierkop does a decent job of being an ass hole biker gang leader! Overall, a mildly entertaining movie!!
Directed by Joe Viola
**


Terminal Impact (1995)- (Feat. Bryan Genesse, Frank Zagarino, Jennifer Miller, Ian Roberts, Justin Illusion, Michael Brunner)
Terminal Impact is a must see film for fans of ultra-shitty Terminator rip-offs!!!! Bryan Genesse and Frank Zagarino are Max and Saint the two dumbest Federal Marshalls in America!! After an ass-fuckingly stupid airplane chase where Max and Saint shoot down a crop dusting pilot with their hand guns because he wouldn't pay his taxes, it is time for the boys to find a new mission!!! The two go and meet up with a friend who tells them about a woman who is wanted by a company called Deltatech Inc. for stealing some of their top secret technology!!
The woman who they are after is a reporter named Evylyn (Jennifer Miller)!!! Evylyn discovered that Deltatech Inc. is using college students in experiments with cockroach blood and cyborg technology!!!! The cockroach blood gives the students the ability to withstand high levels of radiation, that combined with implanted computer technology creates super soldiers who are immune to radioactivity!!!!!!! The final icing on the cake is a uniform made up of- lame black leather vests, pants, gloves and grey, polar fleece coats!!!!
Evylyn's camera man stumbles across Deltatech Inc.'s cyborg soldier testing grounds where the company's owner is giving some perspective clients a demonstration of his cyborg wares!!!!!! One cyborg soldier walks, runs, jumps, and drives a motorcycle through the coarse shooting at his demo enemies!!! It is no surprise that the cyborg soldier sucks dick at shooting despite his computer-aided vision!!!!! It takes at least twenty rounds from his high capacity machine gun to hit a single target!!!!!! When the cyborg soldier spots the cameraman hiding in a tree and filming the explosive event... he shoots him!!!!! Evylyn witnesses the shooting and escapes from the property after pocketing one of the cyborg control components!!!
Soon after taking Evylyn into their custody Max and Saint realize that Deltatech Inc. is a company full of evil men!!!! The main turd of a cyborg soldier for Deltatech Inc. is sent to kill the trio and after he fails on several occasions he is accompanied by other high-tech piles of excrement!!
Fans of sucky stuff will not be let down by Terminal Impact, the acting sucks, the story sucks, the script sucks, the special effects sucks, the action sucks... etc.!!!!!! Bryan Genesse and Frank Zagarino play two of the most retarded characters to ever bless the silver screen!! The duo make jokes which are as funny as smashed testicles ever two seconds!!! Jennifer Miller's character is annoying! The guy who is the head of Deltatech Inc. is a fuck vomit actor with no skills, he over acts in a fuck barf way in a fuck puke attempt at a frightening voice!!!!!!!!!!! The film's highlight is definitely the amazingly shit crap cyborgs and the amazingly shit crap, fake science!!!!!! Some of Terminal Impact is so bad that it is funny and some of it is so bad that it makes you want to cut off your dick!!! Terminal Impact is only for fans of the most mentally dumb Terminator clones and action films!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Yossi Wein
*


Wild Thing (1987)- (Feat. Rob Knepper, Kathleen Quinlan, Robert Davi, Betty Buckley)
Wild Thing is a mix of Tarzan, Batman and the goodness of the 1980s!!! A little boy sees his hippie parents murdered by a drug dealing gang boss named Chopper!! The boy escapes by jumping off a bridge and into a river! The boy is found by a schizophrenic old lady who raises him and teaches him that the cops want to capture you, electrocute you and mess with your brains!!!! The boy and old lady live in an area known as "The Zone" where lawlessness prevails and the police seldom venture!!!!! As the boy grows up he learns how to make weapons like crossbows from garbage, he also learns Tai Chi by watching an old man practice on a roof top!!
As the boy grows older he begins to use his garbage weapons and fighting skills to combat evil! A rumor about a phantom avenger known as "Wild Thing" begins to circulate throughout "The Zone"!!!! Important note- Wild Thing has a cat which follows him around, Wild Thing makes cat sounds and never speaks to humans!!!
When a woman named Jane (Kathleen Quinlan) moves to "The Zone" to help at a home for troubled teens she has a run in with some thugs and is saved by Wild Thing!! Wild Thing disappears as soon as he is done saving Jane! Jane is fascinated by the animal like man who saved her and searches for him!!! Jane of course finds Wild Thing and becomes not only his only friend, but also his lover (after she explains to him that what he calls "naughty bang" does not hurt)!!!!
Meanwhile Chopper tries to turn a girl who has run away from the home for troubled teens into a prostitute!! When the girl runs out on her first client, Chopper is pissed and burns down the home for troubled teens!!!! Wild Thing comes to save the day which pisses Chopper off even more and it can all only end with stand off between these two mortal enemies!!!
Wild Thing is fairly entertaining, has great 80s style and ok acting!!!! There is a little more drama and a little less action than is ideal!! People who like films from the 1980s which are very 80s in look and feel and fans of obscure superhero films should enjoy Wild Thing!!!!!
Directed by Max Reid
**


Moonshine Highway (1996)- (Feat. Kyle MacLachlan, Randy Quaid, Jeremy Ratchford, Gary Farmer)
This made for TV movie is great because it sucks, is boring and is low on action!!!! Basically a crappy drama which is dumb, don't watch Moonshine Highway!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Andy Armstrong
*

 


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