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BEST ACTION FILMS 4!!!!!!


Street Asylum (1990)- (Feat. Wings Hauser, G. Gordon Liddy, Alex Cord, Sy Richardson, Brion James)
Uncle Jack is sad to report there are no dudes who get half of their face ripped off in Street Asylum to reveal a robo skeleton!!!!! Street Asylum is just one of the many movies that uses the half robo face cover to try and cash in on the success of Terminator!!! In Street Asylum Wings Hauser plays a good cop who is shot on a roof top by an unknown assailant and wakes up with a big scar right on top of his lower spine when he was shot in the shoulder!! Seemingly unaware of the strangeness of his surgery, Hauser returns to life on the force and is promoted to work on "The Squad" an elite unit of crime destroyers! Hauser is partnered up with a strange and psychotic man who detects a crime with his mind as they drive down the street!!! After sensing a crime Hauser's partner flies out of the car and blows away the killer along with an innocent bystander in a rabid rage!!!! Shortly after this incident, Hauser's partner commits suicide and the head of "The Squad" tells Hauser that his partner did it because he felt so bad about killing the innocent bystander!
Hauser finds himself with a new partner who is equally as insane as his last and he begins to notice strange flashes and uncontrollable violent urges in himself as well!!! As the movie goes on Hauser finds himself more and more out of control and he is determined to figure out why!! The crazy characters in Street Asylum make the film worth watching! At times the film seems a little slow and some of the actors are just mediocre- however, as Uncle says movies with crazy characters are always better than those without!!!!! Brion James plays a minor role as "Reverend Mony" an awesome televangelist who rambles on about the evils of sex and other sins!!!!!!!!
Directed by Gregory Brown
**
Street Asylum- Video Clip of Wings Hauser on His First Trip of Madness With a Member of "The Squad"!!!!!


Stiletto (1969)- (Feat. Alex Cord, Britt Ekland, Joseph Wiseman, Barbara McNair, Patrick O'Neal)
Stiletto is not "a scorching thriller of love and death" as the cover of the box says!!! Stiletto is not as action-packed as the cover art makes the film look either!! Stiletto is a sort of interesting film however! The film's star is Cesare Cardinali (Alex Cord) a rich playboy and a hitman for the mob!!! The other main charcters in the film are a police sargent who is an annoying jerk and Cesare's mafia kingpin boss- Matteo!! Cesare kills some people who could rat out Matteo and the police sarget becomes obsessed with finding the killer (Cesare) and seeing Matteo in jail!!!! After his latest series of hits Cesare informs Matteo that he is quitting the mob and it doesn't go over very well!!!!!
The acting in Stiletto is ok and the story is sort of interesting primairily due to the fact that all the main characters are essentially bad jerks, no nice guys here!!!
Directed by Bernard Kowalski
**


The Annihilators (1985)- (Feat. Christopher Stone, Andy Wood, Lawrence Hilton Jacobs, Jim Antonio, Gerrit Graham)
When a Vietnam veteran in a wheel chair is beaten to death with a meat tenderizer by "Roy Boy" and his gang of middle-age, white guy thugs, some old war buddies of the disabled vet decide at his funeral that they have to teach all the people in the neighborhood how to protect themselves from crime!!! The four men set up a base in a big, old garage in an industrial park and begin teaching the locals self defense!!!!! Their defense classes include important techniques like how to kill people with a pencil!! They also teach the locals to beat on things in an unrhythmic way in order to draw attention to criminals and crime!!!!!! All the scenes of good citizens making clinking noise in defiance of crime and in a spirit of solidarity are truly uplifting!
Cops are brought in to investigate stories of vigilantes beating up and killing gang members!!! As one would expect, the police are none to quick to put an end to the vigilantes which are doing their jobs for them!!!! The coolest part of The Annihilators is the gang lead by "Roy Boy" (rad and evil name!)- everybody knows that all hard-core gangs are only made up of middle-age white guys with beer guts!!!!!! Not to be confused with a good film, The Annihilators should only be viewed by those who appreciate movies which are cool because they suck!!!!!!
Directed by Charles E. Sellier, Jr.
**
The Annihilators- Video Clip of Roy Boy Making His First Appearence of Brutality with a Meat Tenderizer!!!! CAUTION THIS CLIP HAS BOOBS!! NOT FOR KIDS!!!!!


The Last Riders (1990)- (Feat. Erik Estrada, William Smith, Armando Sylvester, Kathrin Lautner, Angelo Tiffe, Mimi Lesseos)
The Last Riders is just another notch in the belt of shitty biker movies!!! Erik Estrada plays a member of a biker gang who accidentally kills a corrupt cop!! After the incident Estrada has to leave the gang and town in order to escape the potential wrath of the law! On his way to Canada where he believes he will be safe, Estrada stops by a small town to visit an old buddy of his who owns a car repair shop!!!! Estrada's friend convinces him to stay telling him the law would never find him in the little town!!! This is when the movie gets really awesome aka stupid!!! Estrada spends his days repairing cars, fixing up an old trailer home and falling in love with a woman whose car he repaired! Far too much time is spent on the love story so that it will supposedly seem more tragic when the woman and her daughter are killed later in the movie!!!!!
The last 20 minutes or so of the film are a series of fights where Estrada slowly kills his way to the top of his old biker gang! Estrada finds himself having to kill his old pals because they were told that he was going to rat them out to the law so they killed his old lady and his kid in order to get revenge!!!!! The kid's death is the movie's only high point because it is so taboo in Hollywood to have kids murdered in films!!!! Estrada's final battles are very short and dumb especially since there is no time spent developing the characters of the other bikers so the viewer is always wondering, "who is this guy?"
The Last Riders is a very boring, crappy and poorly written film with lame characters and shitty direction!!!!!! Perhaps it should have been called The Crap Riders?!!!
Directed by Joseph Merhi
*


Running Delilah (1992)- (Feat. Kim Cattrall, Billy Zane, Francois Guetary, Yorgo Voyagis, Diana Rigg)
Running Delilah is one of the worst cyborg movies ever made!!!! The film was the pilot for an ABC television series which fortunately never happened!! Cattrall is most certainly not, "The Ultimate Machine of Destruction" as the cover of the box boasts!!! This horrible film which has all the quality of a made for TV piece of shit- is very low on action and very high on lame!! Billy Zane plays Cattrall's secret agent partner who "runs" her- aka is her contact who tells her what to do and keeps his eye on her!!! When their undercover mission goes wrong Cattrall ends up dead by the side of the road with a lot of bullets in her! Zane feels responsible for Cattrall's death and that fact combined for his love for her makes him decide to take her to a government scientist who is experimenting in cyborg re-animation! Needless to say, Cattrall is brought back to life and given a lot of stupid, black outfits to wear!!!!!! Thanks to the new computer integration in her brain, Cattrall can now learn anything really fast, see dumb computer readouts, and has zoom vision!!
After entirely too much time is spent on Cattrall learning to harness her new power, she goes to Europe with Zane where they obviously meet her killers and in an extremely anti-climatic showdown, she uses her zoom vision and shoots them!!!
If this movie doesn't sound great yet it is simply because Uncle Jack did not mention the films really rad part yet- the cyborg/human sex scene!! Yes, the film's very last scene is Cattrall sitting on Zane's lap and their whole hotel room starts shaking and all the windows break!!!! Oh yeah, cyborgs can do that kind of shit!!!! Running Delilah is PG-13 and little kids could watch it, there are no boobs, there is no gore, there is just putrid-sucking-worst story ever written by a retard-type shittiness!!!!!
Directed by Richard Franklin
-3*


Keaton's Cop- (Feat. Lee Majors, Abe Vigoda, Don Rickles, Tracy Brooks Swope)
THE FOLLOWING IS NOT UNCLE JACK'S REVIEW AND HE DOES NOT AGREE THAT THE FILM IS NEAR AS GOOD AS THIS GUY (JUAN SCHWARTZ) SAYS IT IS, BUT UNCLE JACK FOUND THIS REVIEW ON IMDB.COM AND THOUGHT THAT IT WAS PRETTY DAMN GOOD SO HERE IS JUAN SCHWARTZ REVIEW!!!!! (UNCLE JACK THINKS KEATON'S COP IS OK TO WATCH ON A RAINY DAY WITH A HANGOVER, THAT IS IT!!!!!)
If you are about to die very soon, make sure you see this film and it will send you to your death bed with a huge smile on your face. This film is soooo bad beyond belief, it makes for a great film to watch with your mates at home with a few beers. Every cop/buddy movie cliche' is pulled out the hat. You've heard of Police Squad, well this is truly "Geriatric Squad". The main cast of old stooges combined age must be close to 4 digits. Anyway, the plot focuses on Lee Majors looking after a guy (Keaton, played by Abe Vigoda) at a nursing home after a messed up assassination attempt. I mean this hitman walks through this nursing home calmly, not looking like a hitman at all (moustache, sunglasses, blue suit, and a package under his arm - for crying out loud!). Before this, Lee Majors character is introduced as a burnt out, on-the-edge veteran cop who like to throw people out of windows - the police captain refers to him throwing people out of windows at least 7 or 8 times throughout the movie. Don Rickles is the ill-fated partner. As the credits roll at the start, the script writers were on hot form writing a conversation for these two to have in their car! Standout scenes include the p*ssing in the alleyway conversation scene between Majors and Rickles - what a way to get the plot moving boys - and the scene at the docks where the police badge on Major's blazer magically disappears and re-appears. Fantastic! There are also some really evil bad guys on the loose, who are gay and listen to heavy metal music in their convertible ("Wild in the Streets......"). Oh, and the love interest - a girl young enough to be Lee Major's daughter from the nursing home - helps Lee face his demons and get over the death of his partner etc etc. There is an amusing romantic run along the beach followed by a shower scene as the two get naked and Lee tries so hard to suck in his paunch. Yes, Lee gets over his partners death quite easily. Takes about 2 minutes actually and then is never mentioned again. Gunfights and car chases follow (to classic hillbilly getaway music) and the climax of the 1hr car chase made me spit out my beer with laughter. So if you are a fan of seriously bad movies.......don't dare miss this one!!!
Produced and Directed by Bob Burge
**


Thunder Run (1986)- (Feat. Forrest Tucker, John Ireland, John Shepherd)
Once again Uncle Jack must propose a different tag line for a film- "For 200 Miles, The Sucking Never Stops!" Yes, Thunder Run is a giant, dung pile of idiotic idiocy about a really old Korean War Veteran named Charlie Morrison (Forest Tucker) who is hired by a friend in the government to drive a semi-truck with a load of bomb-grade plutonium!! Morrison is hired because he is such a rad semi driver and he will be pursued along his 200 mile route by terrorists!!!! What kind of terrorists??! A bunch of white guys, many of whom look like they came right from a motorcycle gang- complete with big beards and beer guts aka what all terrorists look like..........!!! To prepare for his journey Morrison attaches flame throwers to his truck, fills the back with barrels of gasoline, installs bulletproof windows and tires, puts a giant, fold-out metal bumper on front, and extends the exhaust stacks... for heat seeking rockets of course!!!!! Sounds awesome right?!!!! Too bad all the on-road action is boring, lame and infrequent!!!!! One of the film's only highlights is the Volkswagon Beetles that the terrorists give crappy paint jobs and mount the heat seeking rockets on! The rockets are mounted on a single metal bar with no signs of an ignition source and certainly no way to be automatically reloaded, thus when the rockets are fired off and then keep re-appearing on the vehicles it is very realistic!! The first heat seeking rocket which is fired hits the extended exhaust stack just as Morrison planned because obviously he knew that terrorists always have heat seeking missiles!!! The rest of the heat seeking missiles hit non-heat areas such as the back door of the trailer... obviously, duh?!!!! Anyway, Thunder Run is predictable and mediocre.... but it has a tunnel full of lasers!!!!!!!
Directed by Gary Hudson
*
Thunder Run- Video Clip of Charlie Morrison and His Battle Semi-Truck Meeting VW Beetles Armed with Rockets!!!!


Aquile (1989)- (Feat. Paul Norman Allen, Pier Francesco Aiello, Pino Ammendola, Franco Castellano, Federica Moro, Delia D'Alberti)
What is the problem with watching an Italian movie with Korean subtitles when you don't know either language?!!! You can end up watching a random episode from a TV show and think it is a movie but then it ends all the sudden in a very stupid spot which really sucks because the whole film up until that point totally blowed!! Yes, this Aquile film which Uncle Jack picked up at the Korean video store is a random episode from a Italian TV series that was made in 1989! The show is a crappy rip-off of Top Gun!!!! Aquile is about a lame guy in Italian military flight school who feels sorry for him self and acts retarded all the time because they won't let him fly as cool as he wants and the bitchy girl that he likes only likes to screw other guys just to make him jealous!!!!!! The girl's friends are always telling her to stop being "so proud?" and to quit pretending she doesn't like the guy!!!!! Acting like a bitch and slutting around with guys you don't really like is being "proud"? Whatever... the show is a shit feast it doesn't have to make sense! When the crappy "hero" of the show crashes a car into a garbage pile and loses a race to some French flight school dudes he is forced to be even more suckish and lay in his room throwing a tennis ball at the wall all day!!!! Don't worry though, the flight instructor eventually realizes that our "hero" has to be allowed to fly how he wants because he is "the best" and should be allowed to play by his own rules!!!! Finally our dumb "hero" can be less depressed and just worry about making the bitchy love of his life love him.... and the episode ends!!!!!! It is hard to believe that this show didn't last for more than one season, the stock footage of Italian fighter jets doing tricks is so great???!!!!! CRAP!!!!!
Directed by Antonio Bido and Nini Salerno
*


Death Hunt (1981)- (Feat. Charles Bronson, Lee Marvin, Andrew Stevens, Carl Weathers, Ed Lauter)
Death Hunt has a cast of good action stars and is headed by the glorious Charles Bronson!!! The movie takes place in the 1930s and is based on a true story!! Death Hunt tells the tale of Albert Johnson (Charles Bronson) a fur trapper who enjoys being alone in the snowy Canadian wilderness! When Johnson is attacked by a group of angry men he shoots one of them in self defense!! The men return to their town and tell a small group of Mounties who are lead by Lee Marvin that Johnson shot their friend in cold blood!!!! Soon Marvin and two fellow Mounties (Andrew Stevens and Carl Weathers) find themselves deep in the wilderness along with a bunch of angry thugs who are all trying to track down Johnson! Needless to say, Johnson gives the group a bloody run for their money as he tries to make his way to the freedom of Alaska!!!!!! Certainly a little slow compared to the action movie fare of today, Death Hunt is none the less a classic and it has CHARLES BRONSON!!! so everyone should see it!!!!
Directed by Peter Hunt
***


Getting Even (1986)- (Feat. Edward Albert, Audrey Landers, Joe Don Baker)
Getting Even is one of those action films you have never heard of because it isn't very good! The movie is about the rich owner of a chemical company (Edward Albert) and his quest to find an antidote to defend against a new and deadly chemical weapon!!! While searching for the antidote, the toxic gas is stolen for Albert's lab by a rival chemical company in a gun blasting raid!! It is up to Albert to track down the gas and save the day!!!! The only scenes of note in the film are one where the chemical gas is accidentally released and a scientist melts in a pretty cool and gory way which is not typical of an action film, and when Albert is practicing with samurai swords in his rad sweat suit outfit!!!!! Stupidly, Albert never actually puts his sword skills to use in the film, the scene is just to show that he is awesome!!!!! Decent acting for an action movie, just not that interesting!
Directed by Dwight H. Little
**


The Danger Zone (1986)- (Feat. Jason Williams, Robert Canada, Cynthia Gray, R.A. Mihailoff, Juanita Ranney, Suzanne Tara, Mike Wiles)
When a group of 6 girls head for Las Vegas to take part in a signing competition they are unaware that they are about to "take a ride through the fires of hell" which is also known as be in a crappy biker movie!!! The girls' car breaks down when they turn off the highway onto a dirt road that looks like it goes nowhere... in search of a gas station??!! As one would imagine the secret hideout (aka a few dirty shacks) of a cocaine dealing biker gang is down this road! The girls come across the run down buildings to discover that no one is home so they start drinking all the beer they find, eating canned beans and singing their crappy brand of shitty 80s music (who wouldn't)!!!! When the biker gang returns home to discover 6 drunken 80s chicks with bad hair singing horrible songs in their shack the are understandably not pleased!! The groups leader- Reaper (Robert Canada) decides they have to lock the girls up until they are back from making their regular coke pickup at the Mexican border!!!!! The gang's Mexican supplier flies the product to them via radio controlled model plane- of course!
When the gang isn't out getting or dealing coke, they hang out at their shacks and get drunk!!! Reaper keeps telling his boys to leave the girls alone until various tasks get dealt with, so it is not until the end of the movie that the girls get tortured much- aka forced to walk through a pen full of snakes in their underwear... duh!! An undercover police officer who recently joined the gang (Jason Williams) finds himself faced with the task of freeing the girls and bringing the gang down! A dirty, old miner who secretly lives in the back of one of the shacks pitches in to help out the girls as well!!!! The bikers aren't mean enough to seem like really bad dudes, the girls are terrible actresses, and the film can be both slow and dumb, still, considering how bad most biker gang flicks are, this is one of the more watchable ones Uncle Jack has seen!! (Note of awesomeness- apparently there are 2 more movies in this series)!!!!!!!!
Directed by Henry Vernon
**
The Danger Zone- Video Clip of The Girl's Singing Their Crappy 80s Song and Meeting Reaper and His Biker Gang!!!!


The G.I. Executioner (1984)- (Feat. Tom Kenna, Vicki Racimo, Angelique Pettyjohn, Janet Wood)
As Uncle Jack has made clear on many occasions, he hates Troma Inc. films!!! The good thing about The G.I. Executioner is that it was not made by Troma Inc., it is just some crappy movie that they found, tagged their name onto and then distributed! The G.I. Executioner is not near as action-packed as the box art makes it appear and the back of the box makes up a couple of things which aren't actually true in order to make the film seem more appealing!!
Story- Dave Dearborn was a war corespondent in Vietnam who moves to Singapore to open a bar/nightclub on a big boat! One day a fat man with stupid looking teeth asks him if he will use his investigative journalism skills to get some information on a man who has some kind of secret scientific plans for sale on the black market!!!! Just after beginning his detective work, Dearborn finds a friend who was helping him floating dead in the bay and also discovers that his ex-girl friend is involved with the man who he was assigned to investigate! As the show progresses various dudes show up looking for help from Dearborn or trying to kill him!!! Dearborn also gets it on with several different chicks as the film progresses so when the box says, "a lot of women get in his bed", that is something which it is not lying about!
The acting in The G.I. Executioner is decent and the story is a little slow and choppy but the scene of the naked woman running around with a gun trying to track down the man with stupid teeth after he shoots Dearborn is rad!!! The G.I. Executioner is a decent $1 rainy day film, it is just too bad Troma Inc. put its rotten shits mark upon it!!!!!
Directed by Joel M. Reed
**


The Toxic Avenger (1984)- (Feat. Andree Marnada, Mitchell Cohen, Pat Ryan, Jr., Jennifer Babtist, Robert Prichard)
The Toxic Avenger is the definition of a movie made by stupid retards for even stupider retards!!! Why the fuck did this ass shit make people like Troma Inc.??? Because there are a lot of fuck craps of retarded humans in the world can be the only explanation!!!!!!! While there may be a few amusing scenes of gore in this film and a few shots of nice tits, the humor is clearly meant for 3 year old boys with brain damage and feces in their eyes!!!! Uncle Jack will not devote any more time to this review because The Toxic Avenger deserves is being annihilated from existence and all those involved in making it should be dissolved in acid!!!
Directed by Michael Herz and Samuel Weil (Yes, you will go to the hell of 1,000 bleeding ass holes!!!!!!!)
-100*

The Toxic Avenger- Video Clip of Tox's First Shitty Fight!!!! Keep in Mind that this is One of the Movie's Better Scenes??!!!!!


The Toxic Avenger Part 2 (1989)- (Feat. Ron Fazio, Phoebe Legere, John Altamura, Rick Collins, Riki Yasuoka)
For all those who believed there could be anything more fucking stupid than the first The Toxic Avenger, you were wrong... way wrong!!!!! The Toxic Avenger Part 2 is one of the worst film's Uncle Jack has ever seen!!!!! Only the youngest children with the worst mental damage could even mildly enjoy this film!!! Believe it or not, they managed to make the Toxic Avenger look even dumber in this sequel which apparently had a considerably higher budget! There is a third rotten dick flesh film in this series which was made in 1989 just like number 2 (hmmm... watching The Toxic Avenger Part 2 is just like eating a number 2 out of the toilet!!!! A coincidence? Most certainly not!!!!!) Uncle Jack pledges never to watch The Toxic Avenger 3 even under threat of death by 1,000,000 bee maggots!!!!!!!
Directed by Michael Herz and Lloyd Kaufman (There will be 1,053,121.5 fleas in your bleeding ass holes!!!!)
-10,501.198*

The Toxic Avenger 2- Video Clip of the World's Fucking Stupidest Fight Scene Ever!!!! From One of the World's Fucking Stupidest Movies Ever!!!!!!


Hit List (1988)- (Feat. Jan-Michael Vincent, Leo Rossi, Lance Henriksen, Charles Napier, Rip Torn)
Hit List features a cast full of B movie stars, including the great LANCE HENRIKSEN!!!!!- despite this fact the movie still pretty much sucks balls!!! Jan-Michael Vincent gets the starring role of Jack Collins a man in search of revenge after his son is kidnapped, best friend killed, and pregnant wife beaten when mob hitman Chris Caleek (Lance Henriksen) accidentally mistakes Collin's house for that of arrested mobster Frank DeSalvo (Leo Rossi)!!!!! Thinking he has kidnapped DeSalvo's son, Caleek tells mob boss Vic Luca (Rip Torn) that he doesn't have to worry about DeSalvo testifying against him, for fear of his son's life!!! The police who have been waiting to imprison Luca for years make sure to let everyone think that Caleek hit the right house! Police Sargent Tom Mitchum (Charles Napier) has Collins imprisoned so he won't blow their story!!
Seething with anger Collin's escapes and takes DeSalvo with him at gun point, forcing him to help track down the killer!!!!! When DeSalvo's father is found murdered by Luca's men, DeSalvo gladly joins forces with Collins in a crappy partnership of vengeance!!! The action scenes in Hit List all pretty much are farts, many of the characters are stupid and annoying (especially Collins and Desalvo), and Lance Henriksen's character is left with too little back story to make him as interesting as he should be!! Why does he live in an abandoned factory?! Why does he have a giant tattoo on his back????! Why does he sell shoes when he is not murdering people???! And what made him start getting his kicks from murder??!!!
The only highlight in Hit List is when Caleek breaks into a prison with a crossbow-launched grappling hook, wearing a black baret!!!! The film's major not highlights are- the way too long/extra-sucky car chase/extended Henriksen death, the lack of any depth to Jan-Michael Vincent's character, and Leo Rossi who is always just annoying no matter what movie he is in!! To make such a boring movie with so many B movie dudes should be punishable by blowtorch circumcision!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by William Lustig
*


Total Force (1997)- (Feat. Timothy Bottoms, Richard Lynch, Frank Stallone, Calista Carradine, Sal Landi, Oleg Taktarov)
Total Force is most certainly one of the world's most fucking-shitty-crappy-sucky movies ever!!! If you think cutting your dick off with a rusty spoon followed by a broken bottle up the ass sounds fun, watch Total force!!!!! The only aspect of Total Force which isn't as pleasant as genitals in a blender is the fact that Richard Lynch is in it and for Lynch's sake Uncle jack really, really hopes this is the worst movie he has ever appeared in because thinking of anything worse is VERY hard to do!!!
NOW UNCLE JACK WILL REVEAL SOME OF THE SECRETS OF HOW MAKE A MOVIE AS ANALLY REAKING AS TOTAL FORCE!!!!!!!
1- Start your movie with a butt load of stock military and NASA footage and frequently place it in the rest of the movie!!!!! Yes, feel free to cut in the middle of a character's dialog to some retarded stock footage, it makes the movie much better!!
2- Use a really crappy Super VHS camera and terrible lighting to make your film look as amateur as possible!
3- Find only the worst actors you can (probably just some friends) to intersperse in a cast of B movie stars!!!!!!
4- Put Frank Stallone in your movie, he is cool because he is Sylvester Stallone's brother and he is not as good of an actor!!!
5- Don't write a script or if you do, make it so fucking bad that no one will believe you did!!!! P.S. this saves time and money!!
6- Hire someone mentally disabled to write the story for your movie! P.S.S. This may also save money!
7- Put David Carradine's daughter (Calista Carradine) in you film in a sexy role, she has the benefits of being both a crummy actress and looking like a man!!!!
8- Have a stupid looking, fake laptop in a briefcase which a bunch of different characters in the movie use (no one will notice?!)!!
9. Make use of lots of dumb looking computer screen shots!!!
10. Constantly update the viewer about the date, time, and location of the various worthless scenes using captions!!!!!!!
Now that those tips are out of the way, let us focus on the story of this brain mutilating trash heap-
Dr. Edmund Wellington (Richard Lynch) has made the ultimate satellite-based weapon for the US military- the "NEUROLATOR"!!!!! Yes, that is right the NEUROLATOR!!!!!!!! And just what does this death beam from space do?!! The NEUROLATOR has the accuracy to target one person or a whole city!!! Once struck by the beam the victim/victims become insane with a rage that makes them want to kill, wander around slowly like mindless zombies, go home drink a beer and then act extremely retarded, or do what ever suits the piece of shit director Steven W. Kaman's purposes!!!! To top it all off, this stupid condition with a wide range of lame effects is contagious!!!!!
When a demonstration target for Dr. Wellington's NEUROLATOR fails to melt and die like he was supposed to after killing his demonstration victim (a gang member played by Robert Z'Dar who gets no credit in the film and is only in it for about 1 minute), the target manages to infect a very shitty lab assistant! Unaware that the victims of the NEUROLATOR are contagious, the lab assistant is allowed to go home and infect his friends who happen to be played by people who are all in the running for most crappy actors ever!!!!! The lab assistant's house is awesome because it is clearly a vacant house which just had a table, TV and some chairs put in it for the sake of this penisly movie!!!!
Dr. Wellington calls in a secret hit squad to kill the lab assistant and everyone in his house as soon as he discovers what has gone wrong! The squad is headed by a man named Drake (Timothy Bottoms) who was just getting drunk at the bar and watching football with his kill team pals!! All goes well with the extermination, but when Naval Admiral Denton (Sal Landi) learns of Dr. Wellington's failure, he takes the doctor's program away from him with the desire to shut it down!!!!
Angered by an attempt to take his crown jewel away from him, Dr. Wellington hires a group of mercenaries headed by Jack O'Hara (Frank Stallone) to break into the top secret facility, take control of the NEUROLATOR and demand a lot of money not to target LA with it!!!!!! Oh, the story keeps getting better!!! Before their raid, O'Hara and his fellow mercenaries have to have a training session in an abandoned industrial area where they practice shooting automatic weapons, climbing walls, and driving through explosions!!!! Of course no one hears all this racket???!!!
When O'Hara and his men break into the complex and then have to battle Drake and his forces who were sent to stop them, one notices two important things- the top secret complex O'Hara was sent to invade is the exact same place where they were having their practice session earlier and while O'Hara had a crew of less than 10 previously, that number magically triples so that Drake and his crew will have plenty of people to shoot!!!!!!
There are so many other bad things about Total Force that one could easily write a very lengthy book on the subject!!!! Perhaps worst of all, there is a sequel called Absolute Force which features many of the same actors and was filmed the same year!!! Uncle Jack contemplated getting up to shut Total Force off basically the entire time he was watching it, why he didn't will never be known!!!!!! While there are some ok B movie actors in Total Force, the direction is so unbelievably shit up the dick that they are all forced to levels of shitty mediocrity!! As they say- give people poop to work with and they will make crap!! Steven W. Kaman directed Soul of the Avenger the same year as Total Force and Absolute Force and Uncle Jack! Despite Kaman's butt sucking somehow he didn't manage to ruin Soul of the Avenger despite its rigorousness and Uncle Jack likes that film!!!!!
If you like movies which are so absolutely worthless that they give you a headache and make you think about breaking your cock, you might like Total Force!!!!!!
Directed by Steven W. Kaman
-10*
Total Force- A Preview for this Piece of Shit Movie!!!!!
Total Force- Part of the Stock Footage Filled Intro to this Diarrhea Pile!!!


Street People (1976)- (Feat. Roger Moore, Stacy Keach, Ivo Garrani, Fausto Tozzi)
Here is one obscure Roger Moore (of James Bond fame) film which is most certainly not worth seeking out! Street People is an Italian movie and it sucks just as hard as a lot of other Italian crime films of the same time period!!! The movie tells the tale of Salvatore Francesco (Ivo Garrani), a Mafia boss in San Francisco who has the large, wooden crucifix from his childhood church in Italy brought to the US!! When the cross arrives in the US it is stolen by men who take it to a safe area to remove one million dollars in heroin which is hidden inside!! When Francesco discovers that his crucifix has been violated and some of his men killed during its thievery, he wants blood! Francesco calls upon his favorite nephew Ulysses (Roger Moore) a street wise lawyer for the mafia, to track down the sacrilegious villains!!!!! Ulysses enlists the help of his race car driving pal, Charlie Hanson (Stacy Keach) in his dangerous quest!!!!
Despite the film's line-up of famous American and Italian actors, it is very boring and the acting, action and filming is all very bland!!! Street People's low point is when Hanson takes a hitman's car for a joyride with the hitman in it, in an attempt to get information out of him!!!!! For several minutes Hanson smashes the car into just about everything in site and drives really fast while the hitman just sits there doing nothing!! No cops ever show up and the hitman makes no attempt to escape or stop Hanson?!!! Dumb!!!!!!! Only a person who is hell bent on seeing every Roger Moore film should bother trying to watch this lame shit!
Directed by Maurizio Lucidi and Guglieelmo Garroni
*


Eye of the Eagle 2 (1988)- (Feat. Todd Field, Andy Wood, Ken Jacobson, Ronald Lawrence, Carl Franklin, Shirley Tesoro)
Eye of the Eagle 2 sucks and is stupid! The movie has nothing to do with the original Eye of the Eagle except that they both take place in Vietnam!!!! The choppy and crappy story is about a young, US army soldier named Anthony Glen (Todd Field) who has just arrived in Vietnam!! On his first mission Glen and his fellow soldiers are abandoned in the jungle by the corrupt and evil Major Sorenson (Andy Wood)!!! When Glen alone manages to make it out of the jungle alive with the help of a girl named Mei (Shirley Tesoro), Sorenson declares him a hero! Glen is bent on proving that he and his fellow soldiers were intentionally left to die and in the process of trying to expose Sorenson, Glen discovers that Sorenson is involved in a drug and prostitution ring!!!! Andy Wood does a good job of being a hateable, bad dude in Eye of the Eagle 2, none of the film's other characters are of any interest however! Overall, Eye of the Eagle 2 is exceptionally boring, poorly written, blandly directed, and like a dry turd! There is no good reason for watching this unless you want to go to sleep!!!
Directed by Carl Franklin
*


Zebra Force (1976)- (Feat. Mike Lane, Richard X. Slattery, Rockne Tarkington, Glenn Wilder, Anthony Caruso)
Zebra Force is an awesome twist on the blaxploitation genre!!!! A group of white Vietnam veterans has an ingenious plan for ripping off the mob- they wear realistic masks which make them appear black whenever they perform a heist!!!!!! When wearing their masks the vets are actually played by black guys as one would imagine because no one was really about to spend that much time making quality masks for this low budget film!! Convinced that their attackers are black, the mob begins to suspect a group of African Americans who deal drugs for them!!!! Not until the very end the film after the final and biggest robbery heist from the mob, is the group of vets' secret discovered and a final showdown commences when the mob and police all end up at the groups hideout in an industrial district!!! While there is not much going for Zebra Force other then its awesome story line, it is a good enough bad film to be mildly entertaining and it even has a radical and unnecessary twist at the end!!!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Joe Tornatore
**
Zebra Force- Video Clip of The Vietnam Vets Committing Their First Robbery Dressed as Black Dudes!!!


Tuxedo Warrior (1982)- (Feat. John Wyman, Carol Royle, Holly Palance, James Coburn Jr.)
Tuxedo Warrior is one of the worst fucking movies ever made!!!!! While its name, box art and description lead one to think that it is some sort of James Bond type action flick, that is far from the truth!! Tuxedo Warrior is a shitty-fart romance with 3% action and 97% terrible, crusty-blood craps!!!!
Story- Cliff (John Wyman) is a drunk who owns an African bar and spends his days getting wasted with his monkey "Crap Shot" and screwing stupid women!!! The women seem so won over by Cliff's good looks that they don't mind that he is always wasted and treats them like excrement! But then, aren't all women like that??!!! Cliff comes to own some diamonds which were stolen from a diamond mine and the crooked, local law enforcement knows and wants them!!! Every now and then the police show up asking for the diamonds which Cliff cleverly hid under Crap Shot's food dish!!
There is an illegal poker room behind a locked door in Cliff's bar!!! One day Cliff's ex-lover Lisa (Carol Royle) who is a gambling addict, shows up with her husband to do some gambling in the secret card room, unaware that Cliff owns the bar!!! Despite the fact that Lisa tells Cliff that she hates him and that he makes her hate herself, she has sex with him on multiple occasions!!!!! There are lots of worthless flashbacks to Cliff and Lisa's past romance!!! Tuxedo Warrior's highlight is a flashback of Cliff receiving a letter from a courier while in a bar which informs him that Lisa has left him, Cliff immediately turns into a raging retard and starts punching everyone in the bar and knocking all the tables over... until he is beaten into submission! At that point in Cliff's life he was a successful engineer who designed dams, after the letter he turned into a drunk, bar owner with a monkey!!!!
In between scenes of his renewed and tortured romance with Lisa and the police continually asking about diamonds, Cliff takes time out to get it on with a wildlife photographer who came to stay at Cliff's bar so she can have sex with him and take pictures of stock-footage African wildlife!!! If you think Tuxedo Warrior sounds cool or have seen it and enjoyed it, go get your brain checked because it will most certainly be full of shit eating maggots!!!!!!!!! What kind of movie did director Andrew Sinclair think his was making?!!! Was he trying to annoy the whole world with idiocy???! Sinclair.... may your dick end up in a blender for this cinematic atrocity of mental STDs!!!!!!
Directed by Andrew Sinclair
-100 *

 

 


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