BEST ACTION FILMS 3!!!!!!!
The Fix (1985)- (Feat. Vince Edwards, Richard Jaeckel, Tony Dale, Julie Hill)
The Fix was the last film made by director Will Zens which means that his earlier movies must have been total pieces of shit!!! The Fix boasts a really crappy country band, extremely lame car and boat chases, lousy action, worthless jokes, dog excrement for a script, and nothing good what so ever!! The Fix does have its educational points however, such as- hicks in small towns love to do coke, small town hicks traffic a lot of coke, and car chases look better if the director fast forwards them!!!!!! Story- the world's suckiest country band is befriended by a rich land developer who also happens to be into smuggling cocaine!! The developer secretly uses the band's tour bus for his cocaine smuggling purposes!!! When the band catches on dumb things happen and then the movie ends! Lame!!!!!! P.S.... why does a three-piece country band that doesn't have any money need a giant tour bus??!!!!!!!
Directed by Will Zens
The Fix- Video Clip of the Crappy Intro to the Film Which Sucks so much that it is Cool!!!
Maktub Law of the Desert (1992)- (Feat. Rutger Hauer, Carol Alt, Omar Sharif, Elliot Gould, Kabir Bedi, David Flosi, Stuart Jan Bick)
Maktub Law of the Desert is one of many action films that seems to be targeted at 10-12 year old boys!!! One of the stars is a lame kid who only another lame kid could possibly think is cool!! The first thought that crosses anyone's mind when they come across this film is, "what the hell is that thing Rutger Hauer is holding?!!" Apparently it is a Stinger missile launcher!!!!! If they really look that rad then... awesome!!!!
The film's crappy story is- a boy is taken for his private boarding school by his estranged father to some middle eastern country to live in the desert with his father's tribe!!! The father left his tribe when he married an American woman but was forced to return when he got a death threat from his father telling him that he had to come back with his son who is the next in line to rule over the tribe!!! When the boy's mother finds out, she hires Rutger Hauer who is a mercenary to go and retrieve her son!! Maktub Law of the Desert constantly tricks the viewer into believing it is going to end and then there is a new plot twist that keeps the film going, much to the viewers dismay due to the movie's stupidness and boringness!!!! The film's action is no good, the love story is ridiculous as is the norm for action films, and the mother and son are irritating and in the film way too much!!!! You can see the cool Stinger missile launcher on the cover so... no need to watch the film!!!!!
Directed by Duccio Tessari
Stone Cold 2 (1997)- (Feat. Brian Bosworth, Joe Torry, Brion James, Dara Tomanovich, Alan Scarfe)
Stone Cold 2 is the Korean title for the American release "Back in Business"!!!! Clearly they thought more people would be interested if the movie was linked to Boswroth's debut film- Stone Cold (1991) which featured the great Lance Henriksen!!!!! While Stone Cold 2 boasts Brion James- a notorious villain of B grade movies, nothing can save the film from its mediocrity!!!!! Stone Cold 2 has a completely standard story about corrupt cops, drugs, and a white and black dude combo who save the day!!!!! Nothing totally terrible, nothing good = nothing film!!!!!!!
Directed by Philippe Mora
Jericho Fever (1994)- (Feat. Stephanie Zimbalist, Branscombe Richmond, Alan Scarfe, Ari Barak)
This fine made for TV movie is clearly a rip-off of the dumb movie Outbreak!!! Story- a group of terrorists contracts a deadly virus while in Mexico bombing an Israeli peace conference!! They sneak into the United States and bring the disease with them!!!! When people in the US begin getting infected, a husband and wife who specialize in disease are brought in to try and cure it!!!!! It soon becomes apparent that in order to cure the disease they are going to have to figure out where it originated, which leads down the dangerous path to the terrorists!!!!! Stephanie Zimbalist is the film's star as the wife disease specialist along with Branscombe Richmond who plays an FBI agent hot on the terrorists' trail!!!! This film has all the quality of a made for TV movie, aka... it is not very good!!!!!!
Directed by Sandor Stern
Steele's Law (1993)- (Feat. Fred Williamson, Bo Svenson, Doran Ingram, Benton Jennings, Robin McGee)
Fred Williamson has been known for being in some movies which are so bad that they are good such as the old blaxploitation flicks Black Caesar and Mean Johnny Barrows- but Steele's Law should certainly be called Suck's Law. Horrible acting, bad action, lousy script, poor filming, you name it, it sucks!!! Story- Fred Williamson plays a tough cop on a mission to stop a killer with help from a shitty police chief played by Bo Svenson who rocks at playing an obnoxious police chief all the time!!!!! Crap-E!! There are many better Fred Williamson films to watch, don't watch this one!!!!!
Directed by Fred Williamson (If you directed other movies I hope they are a whole lot better than this!)
Cold Justice (1989)- (Feat. Dennis Waterman, Roger Daltrey, Terry Green, Ron Dean, Ralph Foody, Robert Carricart, Bert Rosario, Penelope Milford)
While Cold Justice would appear to be an action movie judging by the cover of the box and the title, it is not!! Cold Justice is a fairly decent film if you don't know much anything about the story because you will find yourself puzzled for a long time about what the point and plot are and what kind of movie it is!!!!! If you read the back of the VHS box it basically tells the film's whole story and ruins everything so, it is a good thing Uncle Jack never read the back until he finished watching the movie!!
Cold Justice starts with an English priest arriving in a tough Chicago neighborhood and befriending people who seem to spend all day just traveling from bar to bar!!!! That said, one shouldn't know any more or risk knowing too much about what is going on!!!! Cold Justice is really all about the last 15 minutes or so of the film when everything finally comes together! Watch it but don't read the box!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Terry Green
Angels Die Hard (1970)- (Feat. William Smith, Tom Baker, Alan DeWitt, Gary Littlejohn, Rita Murray, Carl Steppling, Connie Nelson, R.G. Armstrong)
Angels Die Hard is quite simply one of the worst fucking movies Uncle Jack has ever seen!!! There are some positive reviews of this on the internet, what the fuck is wrong with you people?!!! Everyone who was involved in making Angels Die Hard should have their fleshed removed with barbwire and then be tossed into ant nests!!!!!! This movie is such a piece of worthless trash it is difficult to know where to begin with trashing it!!
Plot- almost non-existent!
Fight Scenes- possibly the worst Uncle Jack has ever seen!!!! Always take time out to strangle people when you are surrounded by dudes with guns!!!! Always use very obvious fake 2x4s to hit people!!!!! Always have a dude throwing beer cans!!! Always have people smiling because they think it is fun to film a fight scene and are only in the movie because they are the director's friends, not because they are actors! Always have the worst fucking filming and music during fight scenes!!!!
The Bikers- are we supposed to sympathize with these guys and feel sad when one gets shot right after they raped a chick on a table covered in spaghetti?!! Good guys?!!! You can't sympathize with characters that suck so much!!!!
Story- bikers come to a small town and get in a fight with the local hicks at a bar!!! The bikers get kicked out of town by the sheriff after they act like retarded monkeys!! One biker gets put in jail, when he leaves town he is shot!!!! The bikers find the dead biker and take him to the funeral home where they capture the owner and a coffin and go for a stupid ride! They stop at a restaraunt and rape the owners wife on a pile of spaghetti while the funeral home director chows down on spaghetti and laughs!!!! They go to a cemetery and pee on the dead biker's coffin and then go take pills and drink by a river!!!!! The bikers find out a kid fell down a mine shaft and go help the towns' people get him out!!!! The people they help were from the town the bikers were kicked out of and the towns people still hate them!!!!! A stupid girl from the town falls in love with the head biker and they are dumb!!!!!! The hicks from the town kill almost all of the bikers, the bikers strangle some of them!!!!
That makes the movie sound a lot better than it really is, clearly everyone involved was mentally retarded!!!! Some of the worst acting, scripting, writing, and filming ever!!!!!! Perhaps one of the world's top ten shittiest films of all time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Written and Directed by Richard "I Should Die From Ebola" Compton
Angels Die Hard- Video Clip of the Shitty Bar Fight from the Begining of the Film!!!!
Brotherhood of Justice (1986)- (Feat. Keanu Reeves, Lori Loughlin, Kiefer Sutherland, Joe Spano, Billy Zane, Darren Dalton, Evan Mirand, Don Michael)
Brotherhood of Justice stars Keanu Reeves as a senior high school student in a school that is full of drug dealers and thieves!!! When the principal (Joe Spano) suggests that the students need to do something in order to rid the school of the disease of crime, Reeves and some of his guy pals take it to mean forming a secret gang called "The Brotherhood of Justice" and beating up the "bad guys"!! Billy Zane stars as one of Reeves' partners in "The Brotherhood" as it is know for short around the school!!!!! Kiefer Sutherland stars as a fellow senior who is a nice guy and no fan of violence!!! When Reeves and his Brotherhood start taking things too far and beating up snitches and other petty criminals, his girl friend (Lori Loughlin) can't take it anymore and finds comfort in the arms of Sutherland!!!!!!! Brotherhood of Justice is a pretty rad 80s film with decent acting due to the skills of its cast!
Directed by Charles Braverman
Brotherhood of Justice- Video Clip of Keanu Reeves Yelling at His Younger Brother for Using Cocaine and then Going to Beat Up the Dealer!!!!
City of Shadows (1986)- (Feat. Paul Coufos, Paul Harding, Tony Rosato, John P. Ryan)
The stupid guy on the cover of this VHS is not in the film, no body dresses like that in the film!!!! City of Shadows tries to be strange and hard to follow but comes off as trying too hard and fails!! The movie takes place at some unspecified time in the future when the world is dirty, dark and full of crime!!!! Nothing about this future looks "futuristic", it looks like a dirty, mid-80s slum!! Paul Coufos plays a cop who is trying to catch a crazed criminal who kidnaps little kids!!! Strange people begin showing up and messing with Coufos' mind! Coufos' fellow officers begin to believe that he could have something to do with the disappearances because the crazed criminal is trying to set him up for unknown reasons!!!!!! While not a bad movie, there is also nothing good about City of Shadows, it is a tolerable waste of time, but a waste of time none the less!!
Directed by David Mitchell
Bulletproof (1987)- (Feat. Gary Busey, Darlanne Fluegel, Henry Silva, Thalmus Rasulala, L.Q. Jones, Rene Enriquez, Juan Fernandez)
Bulletproof would be fairly worthless movie if it weren't for its formidable cast!!! Gary Busy is Frank "Bulletproof" McBain, an Ex-CIA agent who has been shot more than 30 times in the line of duty!!! Bulletproof removes the bullets himself and keeps them in a jar!! When the US government lets a group of terrorists in Mexico steal the top-secret Thunderblast tank so they have an excuse to go kill them, the government forces Bulletproof to come out of retirement and go get it back... by himself!!! Man is that a great plan!!!! To ensure that Bulletproof will do as they say, the government makes sure that his ex-girlfriend (Darlanne Fluegel) is one of the troops captured with the tank!!!!! Go USA!
The terrorist force is a mix of bad Mexicans and Arabs led by the eternal bad guy actor Henry Silva!!! Silva's right hand man is played by Juan Fernandez who is also eternally stuck in bad dude roles because like Silva he looks the part!! There is even a brief appearance of the awesome Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa as a knife wielding assassin in a flashback sequence (he is not credited for some reason!)!!!!
One of the film's main problems is that the bad guys are not bad enough!!! They tolerate far too much disobedience from their captives, such as being spit on and insulted!! Only Juan Fernandez has a fairly lethal character who is prone to blowing people away with his uzi that has a sight on it??!!!!
The Thunderblast tank is dope!!! The Thunderblast is a real tank with blue, fake vulcan cannons, fake radar and fake body armor!!!!! The tank is virtually indestructible and if you don't know the code to a special box, it will shock you to death if you touch it!!!! Fortunately Bulletproof read the instruction manual before going to retrieve the tank and kill the terrorists!! Only a giant, Russian helicopter posses a threat to Bulletproof and his girlfriend when they capture the tank towards the end of the movie!
Bulletproof is filled with crappy gun battles where no one gets hit by machine gun fire, it has many flaws in its story, and few of the actors live up to their full potential due to poor direction and scripting, many people will find the movie amusing none the less and hey, Gary Busey is in it!!!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Steve Carver
Bulletproof- Video Clip of Bulletproof's Amazing Getaway on a Giant Spool and the Inside of the Thunderblast!!!
Cyclone (1986)- (Feat. Heather Thomas, Jeffery Combs, Ashley Ferrare, Martine Beswicke, Robert Quarry, Martin Landau)
Cyclone is a movie cursed with many holes in its crappy story!!! Jeffery Combs of Re-Animator fame briefly stars in the film as the scientist-genius who invents Cyclone, an armored motorcycle with rockets, lasers, radar proofing, 400 horse power, and an infinite power source which extracts hydrogen from the air!!! Cyclone is so rad that it can't outrun dirt bikes or old station wagons?!!!! Combs is killed off in the first 15 minutes or so and it is up to his girlfriend (Heather Thomas) to make sure that Cyclone stays out of the hands of the bad men who want to discover the secrets of its power source for their destructive purposes!! All the action in Cyclone sucks big dicks and nothing about its flawed story, mediocre acting, or shitty special effects is shitty enough to make it funny! Basically just a boring shit rag!!!
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Cyclone- Video Clip of Jeffery Combs Explaining all the Bikes Features to Heather Thomas!!!
No Time To Die (1984)- (Feat. John Phillip Law, Horst Janson, Grazyna Dylong, Barry Prima, Will Glatty, Christopher Mitchum)
If you watch No Time To Die you will think it is Time To Die!!! A worthless action movie in English that was made by Germans!!
Directed by Helmuth Ashley
Stunts "The Deadly Game" (1977)- (Feat. Robert Foster, Fiona Lewis, Ray Sharkey, Joanna Cassidy, Richard Lynch)
Stunts is about the filming of an action movie where someone starts sabotaging the stunts so that the stuntmen die!!! The viewer gets a behind the scenes look at how various different stunts are done during the movie and that is interesting!! The director who is shooting the action flick looks at the deaths as being great promo for the film's release!!!! The super-cool Richard Lynch has a small role as the stunt coordinator who falls under suspect after the murders begin!! Ok acting, an ok film!
Directed by Mark L. Lester
Stunts The Deadly Game- Video Clip of the First Stunt to Result in Death!!
The Fast Kill (1973)- (Feat. Tom Adams, Susie Hampton, Michael Culver, Peter Halliday, Patricia Haines, Ray Chiarella)
Not only does The Fast Kill suck but it also blows!!! Apparently this is a Swedish movie, it is in English however, Uncle Jack can't think of any Swedish films which he has seen but he hopes none of the rest of them are so crudely vomited!!!! Most of the movie is supposed to take place in England!! The Fast Kill tells the story of the shitty heist of a secret bank vault which is hidden behind a false door in a brick building! Far too much time is spent on the assembly of the team for the heist!!!! The film is pieced together in an erratic and fragmented way which results in no amount of cool!!! The acting is like that of typical 70s British action, thus tolerable yet boring!! The film's end is so abrupt and stupid that it leaves the viewer feeling as if the were violated up the butt!!!!! Festering Trash Mound!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Lindsay Shonteff
The Fast Kill- Video Clip of the Vault Robbery (This is by Far the Most Exciting thing to Happen in the Film)!
3:15 The Moment of Truth (1986)- (Feat. Adam Baldwin, Deborah Foreman, Rene Auberjonois, Ed Lauter)
3:15 The Moment of Truth can certainly boast a lame and un-catchy title!! Who thought that up?!!! Good job loser!!!!! 3:15 is a typical 80s flick about a kid takes on a gang of punk looking dudes who infest his school with drugs and violence! The best things about 3:15 are how old all the "high school" punks are- some of the actors are easily in their 30s, and the stupid in-your-face drug dealing that goes on where students place their orders and then "The Cobras" deposit them in the students' lockers while making lots of noise and cracking jokes during class time! There is no good reason to watch this film, so don't!!!
Directed by Larry Gross