BEST ACTION FILMS 2!!!!!
Panther Squad (1984)- (Feat. Sybil Danning, Jack Taylor, Karin Shubert, Donald O'Brien)
The best part of Panther Squad is that it is only 77 minutes long... the best part other than SPACE JEEP that is!!!! The movie starts with a wonderful explosion of stock footage of rocket launches and an inspirational speech by the president of N.O.O.N. aka The New Organization of Nations!!!! Yes in the future most of the world's countries will join to form N.O.O.N. and work together on furthering man's exploration of space!!!! How will they explore space?!! With SPACE JEEP of course you idiots!!!! When a terrorist organization called Clean Space jams the signals going to SPACE JEEP because they don't want man putting garbage in space N.O.O.N. calls in The Panther Squad!!!!! The Panther Squad is a group of girls who can act no better than flies on shit and who are lead by Sybil Danning in her unflattering, tight leather outfit!!!! Can those pants go up any higher??!!! Note- it is hot when your pants go up past your belly button- it helps to hide any lint that might be in there!!!
Sybil Danning is certainly one of the worst stage fighters that ever existed, if she took any lessons her teacher sucked!!! Danning constantly looks as if she is going to fall over in her numerous fight sequences and the other girls on her Panther Squad are not any better!!!! Despite what the cover might lead one to think neither Danning nor anyone else gets naked in this film which would probably only be rated PG-13 if it had a rating!!! But back to SPACE JEEP!! it is a model that looks like a small space ship and nothing like a jeep and it spins around on a string that you can see sometimes... in space!!!! SPACE JEEP is so powerful that only BOAT JEEP can compete with it and only S.S. NATHANIEL can destroy it (this is not a topic which is covered in Panther Squad!!!)!!!! Not a film worth subjecting one's self to- the introductory stock footage and SPACE JEEP sequence is amusing in its rigorousness however (see below)!!!
Directed by Peter Knight
SPACE JEEP- 1,000,000,000*
Panther Squad- Video Clip of SPACE JEEP, N.O.O.N. and Rocket Launch Stock Footage!!!!
Panther Squad- Video Clip of The Arrival of the Girls of Panther Squad!!!
Panther Squad- Video Clip of Sybil Danning Fighting Crappily!!!!
Photo of Sybil Danning in Her Sexy Panther Squad Outfit From the Back of the VHS?!! Notice that the Pants Truly do Protect the Belly Button!!!!
Dudes (1987)- (Feat. Jon Cryer, Daniel Roebuck, Lee Ving, Catherine Mary Stewart, Flea)
If you have known punk rockers who think that being "punk" is all about being stupid and obnoxious you will know what it is like to watch Jon Cryer and Daniel Roebuck's "punk" characters for this whole movie!!! Cryer and Roebuck decide to take their friend who is played by Flea of The Red Hot Chili Peppers' advice and leave their crummy jobs in New York to drive across country and start new dumb lives in LA!!! Shortly after their trip begins the boys pick the wrong place to camp and Flea is killed by a crazy hick thug and his gang!!! Determined to get revenge Cryer decides to dress up like a cowboy and Roebuck becomes a Mohawk indian!!! Yes, this movie does blow!!!! If you like stupid shit and annoying "punks" watch this other wise if you find it smash it!!!
Directed by Penelope Spheeris
Dudes- Video Clip of Cryer and Roebuck Sucking and Having Cowboy and Indian Hallucinations!!!
The Courier of Death (1984)- (Feat. Joey Johnson, Barbara Garrison, John Benneth, Diana Bauer, Rebecca Steele, Leo Gossen, James Jameson)
The name of this movie is cool and so is the picture of "The Courier of Death" on the front of the VHS box, that however is where the coolness ends! This terrible movie... sucks! Bad acting, bad filming, bad script, etc.!!!! There is one awesome feature to this film though, "The Courier of Death," is flown from one drop location to another in a small, prop driven private jet with just enough room for him and a fat pilot!!! As "The Courier of Death" is traveling in the plane which he does a lot, crappy dialogue is dubbed over the great footage of the scenery that passes by!!!!! This movie could have also been called "Stupid Conversations in a Small Plane"!
Before the movies' star courier becomes, "The Courier of Death" he is a courier for a company that moves briefcases full of cash all around the country in tiny planes!! He becomes "The Courier of Death" when someone in his company begins giving out transport info to criminals and he and his partner are jumped and his partner killed!!! "The Courier of Death" escapes with the cash and his giant Magnum so the "bad guys" track him down and end up killing his wife!!! As one can imagine this is when our courier officially becomes "The Courier of Death"!!!!!! Too bad a movie with such a great title is such a bomb!
Written, Produced and Directed by Tom Shaw
Pentathlon (1994)- (Feat. Dolph Lundgren, David Soul, Renee Coleman, Roger E. Mosley)
Pentathlon is not one of the better films which stars Dolph Lundgren!!! The box made it seem as if this was one of those movies like "Surviving the Game" with ICE-T!!!! or "The Running Man" with Arnold Swartzenegger! which is about a man running for his life and being hunted down by bad dudes!!! I'm sorry to say this film is not near that exciting!!!!
Lundgren plays East Germany's pentathlon champion who was trained since childhood to excel at the sport!!! After winning a gold medal, Lundgren escapes his gestapo like guardians and flees to the USA!!!! After years of being a depressed drunk Lundgren is inspired by the boss of the greasy spoon where he works to begin training for the US pentathlon team!!! Lundgren's old mentor who now leads a group of Neo Nazis finds his way to LA- where Lundgren just happens to be however, and proceeds to make Lundgren's life difficult until the violent climax!!!
Over all this film features too much crummy character development of not so interesting characters, little action, mediocre acting, and plenty of boringness!!!! Not good!!!!!!
Directed by Bruce Malmuth
The Devastator (1985)- (Feat. Richard Hill, Katt Shea, Crofton Hardester, Kaz Garas, Terrence O Hara, Bill McLaughlin)
The Devastator is a movie people should watch for one very important reason... it is about a murderous army of marijuana growers!!! All people with large-scale outdoor grow operations have 100 men with M-16s, rocket launchers, military trucks, and various other weapons of destruction at their disposal!!!
When Deacon Porter (Richard Hill) goes to a small town to look into the death of a friend he rubs the local weed thugs the wrong way!! Before you know it Porter has to call in a couple of his old buddies from Vietnam to go head to head with these ganja smoking bullies!!! I believe that is enough said!!! Just think of a crappier Rambo First Blood with weed!!!!
Produced and Directed by Cirio Santiago
Universal Soldier 2 "Brothers in Arms" (1998)- (Feat. Matt Battaglia, Chandra West, Jeff Wincott, Gary Busey, Burt Renolds)
This is one of those films which is perfectly summed up as "FUCKING PIECE OF CRAP SHIT"! Made for TV and a failure in every way, you will most certainly wonder what were they fucking thinking when they made this!!!! God awful script, terrible direction- even Busey who plays a bad guy (his best roles) comes off as a blah character!!! Burt Reynolds who gets mention in the intro credits receives none on the box! Reynolds appears in the film for about one minute at the very end in a scene of the film which seems to suggest that they were actually considering making a maggot ridden fuck sequel!!!!
Directed by Jeff Woolnough (Eat Razor Blade Apples ASAP!!!!!!!!)
Ain't No Way Back (1989)- (Feat. Campbell Scott, Bernie White, Virginia Lantry, Len Lesser)
Ain't No Way Back may look a little like Deliverance when judging by the cover and the film even makes a joke about Deliverance but the movie is nowhere near that dark and the story is different! Two old friends go on a hunting trip and yell at each other a lot because they are dumb!!! When the pair stumbles across a group of moonshiners one of them loses their life and the other is left badly wounded!!! Taken in by a hillbilly family and nursed back to health our hero finds that he and his dead friend have begun a "blood feud" between two different groups of hillbillies, the Campbells and the Mcdonalds!!!! This film is very low budget and appears to be filmed with an old super VHS camera!!! The acting is mediocre and there is a lot of down time between the hunters initial conflict and the final "blood feud"!!!! The end of this film takes a very strange twist which explains why the woman that the hunter befriends keeps saying that she can't leave the woods!!! The strange twist at the end of the film is the only thing which is of any interest in the flick and even that is a little dumb!!!!
Directed by Michael Borden
Commando Squad (1987)- (Feat. Kathy Shower, Brian Thompson, William Smith, Sid Haig, Robert Quarry, Ross Hagen, Marie Windsor)
This terrible movie sucks!!!! The movie's star is Kathy Shower, Playboy Playmate of the Year in 1986 and the box for this movie makes sure to mention that fact!!! Big problem... if you make a crappy action film and boast that the star is Playboy Playmate of the Year everyone is going to assume that means she is going to get naked and she doesn't!!!!! Not only does Kathy Shower never get naked but no one does in this movie?!!!! That is basically false advertising!!!!! To top it all off, as one can imagine Kathy Shower is a shitty actress and she wears a hideous black mullet almost the whole time as part of an alleged crappy disguise!!!! Brian Thompson (of Cobra starring Sylvester Stallone fame) plays Shower's police partner who she must rescue from lame Mexican drug runners!! Shower takes all kinds of lousy weapons on her dangerous mission! She gets her weapons from a woman at a video store!!!! Of course!!! And yes, she even gets a "vengeance knife" with a glass blade full of acid!!!!! Bad acting, boring action scenes, and stupid!! "VENGEANCE BLADE"!!!!!!!!!!
Co-Produced and Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Brothers in Arms (1988)- (Feat. Todd Allen, Charles Grant, Jack Starrett, Dedee Pfeiffer)
What the world needs is more Deliverance knock-offs!!! The most notable thing about Brothers in Arms is the guy on the far right of the cover- yes, it is the same hillbilly that appears on the front of the "Ain't No Way Back" box!!!! That guy must make so much bank playing hillbillies in b grade movies!! Unfortunately he is the first hillbilly to die in Brothers in Arms! This film weaves a tale of revenge!! When the group of hillbillies pictured on the box kills a hunter they are unaware of the bloodshed which will follow!!!! A friend of the hunter named Dallas teams up with his younger brother to search the Rockies for his friend and do a little hunting! When Dallas finds his friends crucified corpse he burns with bloodlust!!! One thing leads to another and as one can imagine all the hillbillies die!! Not an amazing film but if you find it sitting next to your VCR on a rainy day you probably don't have anything better to do!!!!
Directed by George Jay Bloom III
Master Blaster (1987)- (Feat. Jeff Moldovan, Donna Rosae, Joe Hess, Peter Lundblad)
Ahhh, movies about paintball games which turn deadly are rad!! When paintball champions from all over the US and world gather for a tournament with a jackpot of $50,000- little do they know that a killer is in their midst!!! The extreme fom of paintball which they play even has booby traps!!! Nothing deadly, they just add to the awesome challange of the event!!!! There is a karate master, a professional football player, a vietnam vet, a cop, a group of hicks, too many swell characters who compete in the tournament to mention!!!!! The acting is typical of b grade movies and so is everything else, the concept is so dumb however, that there is certainly amusement to be found in the crappyness!!!!! Yeah old-school paintball!!!!
Directed by Glenn R. Wilder
Ms. 45 "Angel of Vengeance" (1981)- (Feat. Zoe Tamerlis, Steve Singer, Jack Thibeau)
Uncle Jack did not have high hopes for Ms. 45 so he was pleasantly surprised when he discovered that it is actually a good movie!!!! The acting is good, the movie is well filmed, the script is good, all around good stuff!!! The film's star is a young woman (Zoe Tamerlis) who can't talk and works for a fashion designer sewing and ironing clothes!! One day on her way home from work the woman is grabbed by a masked man and raped! When she returns home after this traumatic event she discovers that someone has broken into her apartment and is still there, this man decides he also wants to have his way with Tamerlis but it turns out to be quite a mistake when she beats his head in with a clothing iron!!! Uncertain what to do and scared by the days happenings, Tamerlis drags the man to the bathtub and cuts him into pieces with a serrated knife!!!! She takes the body parts and bags them up into various different bags which she slowly deposits about town whenever she leaves for work!!!! The thief in Tamerlis' apartment had a .45 caliber hand gun and she begins carrying it around for protection!!!
Unable to bring herself to tell anyone about what has happened to her, Tamerlis acquires a fear of men and sex and starts to roam the streets at night shooting criminals or any men that show an interest in her!!!! One is kept in constant suspense wondering when Tamerlis will go too far and be caught or killed!!
Directed by Abel Ferrara
Ms. 45- Video Clip of a Sleazy Photographers Bullet-Ridden Demise!!!!!
Night Force (1986)- (Feat. Linda Blair, James Van Patten, Chad McQueen, Richard Lynch)
Night Force is a cheesy and unbelievable action film about college kids from the US who go to South America to rescue a friend taken prisoner by terrorists!!! The girl (Christy) who the terrorists captured, is the daughter of an American senator who advocates taking a hard line with terrorists so he can not give into their demands lest he ruin his political career!!!! Frustrated, Christy's friends arm themselves with a bazooka and machine guns that one of them kept in his garage because he was a fan of Soldier of Fortune magazine??!!!! Richard Lynch plays a Vietnam veteran who meets up with the kids when they run into trouble in a South American bar!!!!!! As one would suspect Lynch has a stash of heavy artillery at his shack in the woods and he helps the kids with their difficult task!!!! Linda Blair plays Christy's best friend who came along for the fun of shooting up terrorists and she delivers her typical b grade movie performance!!!!! Most notable about this film is the number of times Christy's shirt comes off- from the sex scene with her boyfriend in a barn in the beginning of the film to the time when she washes her boobs in the shower while fondly remembering the time in the barn to all the times the terrorists rip her shirt off, Claudia Udy who plays Christy does a great job of filling Night Force's boob quotient!!!! Clearly targeted for an audience of 12 year-old boys, they will love this film!!!
Written and Directed by Lawrence D. Foldes
Hula Mo Huli Ko (2003)- (Feat. Rudy Fernandez, Rufa Mae Quinto, Carlos Morales, Jenine Desiderio, Alvin Anson, Mike Gayoso)
Hula Mo Huli Ko is the first Philippino movie Uncle Jack has watched and this copy has no subtitles or dubbing!!! Good thing Uncle Jack doesn't know any Philippino!!!! Interestingly, English words and phrases are used from time to time?!! Hula Mo Huli Ko is a very cheesy film about a group of Satanists who assassinate priests while they are holding service and capture and sacrifice young virgins!!!! Most of the movie is spent developing the romantic relationship between Rudy Fernandez who plays a cop and Rufa Mae Quinto who plays a psychic that gets visions of evil deeds before they happen!!! Fernandez has a typical acting ability for an action movie star, Quinto over acts and is really annoying!!!! Even though Uncle Jack didn't know what was being said, he predicted the end of this film well before it came!!! Not so great!!
Directed by Edgardo "Boy" Vinarao
Search and Destroy (1988)- (Feat. John Christian, Kosmo Vinyl, Stuart Garrison Day)
Search and Destroy is a boring and poorly made film with an unoriginal plot!! Terrorists capture a government lab where they are working on biological weapons and a virus is released before an army SWAT team can stop them!!! The virus spreads throughout the building and small town where the plant is located, causing people to act impulsively and violently!!!! In attempt to cover-up the situation the military orders that everyone in the town be killed!!!! In order to survive the film's lame hero played by John Christian- joins with the lead terrorist in a war against the army he once served!!!!! Fortunately for both Christian and the terrorist, they were both chosen for their jobs because their blood type makes them resistant to the effects of the virus!!!!!!
Search and Destroy is poopily crafted and the story is full of holes and unnecessary scenes!!!! On several occasions the viewer gets the idea that they are being introduced to a new character of importance or a important new plot development only to discover that it disappears as soon as it materializes! One is left thinking, "that was pointless and stupid!" The military has a video camera on wheels which is armed with a gun!!!!! This radio controlled device some how manages to get around very quickly and take footage from perspectives which are impossible!!! The general in charge operations sits in a room with an underling of his for almost the whole movie, watching the video that comes in from the crappy robocam and making dumb and obvious comments! The people who are affected by the virus conveniently go in and out of madness whenever it suits the directors needs!!!!!! The acting sucks!! This movie is truly a worthless boner and a great way for one to be left feeling like they wasted 90 minutes of their life!!!!! The only feature of Search and Destroy which is of interest is how much military gear (weapons, vehicles, chemical suits, etc.) that the director was able to get his hands on, considering obviously small size of the film's budget!! Watch the films Crazies or Impulse if you want to see a movie with a similar plot that is ten times better!!!!!!!
Directed by J. Christian Ingvordsen
Search and Destroy- Video Clip of Crappy and Crazy Cowboys Attacking Soldiers in Gas Masks!!!!!
Darkman 3 "Die Darkman Die" (1997)- (Feat. Arnold Vosloo, Jeff Fayhe, Darlanne Fluegel, Roxann Biggs-Dawson)
Uncle Jack didn't even know there was a Darkman 3 until he discovered this fine Korean copy of the film at the notorious H Mart!!! The movie would have been better if called Darkman 3 "Shit Darkman Shit" since that is how good it is!!!! Arnold Vosloo gives an uninspiring performance as Darkman in this film, frequently over-acting in a lame way and generally being dumb!! The script is terrible, Darkman makes strange noises and says the stupidest things for no good reason whenever the "action" begins to pick up! Jeff Fayhe plays the film's villain- the head of a criminal gang which specializes in the sale of illegal steroids??!!!! Fayhe captures Darkman and takes a blood sample so he can synthesize Darkman's strength which is supposed to be ten times that of a normal man and make the ultimate strength drug! Yes, the plot does suck!! Fayhe is an ok bad guy at a couple points but due to the shittiness of the script and everything about this film, he never really gets to shine!!!! In summary this sucky movie blows!!!!!!!!!!
Directed by Bradford May
Video Clip of Darkman Being Shitty While Trying to Evade the Bad Dudes from Darkman 3!!!!
No Contest (1994)- (Feat. Shannon Tweed, Robert Davi, Andrew Dice Clay, Roddy Piper)
What if you took the movie Die Hard and made Shannon Tweed the star instead of Bruce Willis??? That would be cool right?...?? Well, Shannon Tweed may be hotter than Bruce Willis but this movie is nowhere near as good as Die Hard!!! That said, there are many worse action films in this world, such as No Contest 2 (below)! In No Contest Tweed plays a movie star who is the master of ceremonies for a Miss World beauty pageant when the building where it is being held is taken over by terrorists!!!!! All the people except for Tweed and the 5 pageant finalists are kicked out of the building!!!!! Soon it is up to Tweed to save the day and she has help from her martial arts skills as a black belt in karate!!!! Robert Davi has a small role as a body guard for one of the pageant contestants and becomes Tweeds outside connection via cell phone!!!!! Andrew Dice Clay plays the leader of the terrorists and his character is unfortunately bland!!! Roddy Piper is awesome as usual as "Ice" the meanest thug among the terrorists!! No Contest is watchable but nothing amazing, if you find it for a buck somewhere, it won't leave you feeling ripped-off!!!!!
Directed by Paul Lynch
No Contest 2 (1997)- (Feat. Shannon Tweed, Lance Henriksen, Bruce Payne)
No Contest 2 wins the crappy contest!!! The film's star is Shannon Tweed who has appeared in countless b grade movies- and this is not one of her better ones (not that she is in many films that most people would call good)!!!! Tweed plays an actress who goes to visit her sister in an art museum which gets broken into by a group of terrorists!! The terrorist leader is played by the legendary Lance Henriksen but the script sucks too much for him to be able to pull off a memorable performance! His character is not nearly ruthless enough to make him seem truly bad!!! Bruce Payne (the guy on the right of the cover) plays the director of the film which Tweed was starring in and he gets trapped in the museum with some other members of his movie crew as well!!!!! Payne and Henriksen spend far too much time in the movie talking tough over the walkie-talkie to each other! There is a great scene where the film's "good guys" devise various different weapons like homemade tear gas and a make-shift flame thrower and then never use them, it is very strange, like the director got lazy and changed his mind or something!! Certainly boring, certainly not good... THE END!!!!!!
Directed by Paul Lynch
SAS "Eye of the Widow" (1991)- (Feat. Richard Young, Mel Ferrer, Annabel Schofield, Ben Cross, Rick Hill, Terence Ford, Paul L. Smith, F. Murray Abraham)
SAS "Eye of the Widow" wasn't really made in 1991, that is just the date of its Korean release, judging by the clothing, I would guess the film was really made in the mid to early 80s! SAS is pretty much a lame James Bond knock-off which stars Richard Young as the dumb prince of some unknown country who spends his spare time helping the FBI solve international conspiracies!!! The film begins with a group of terrorists breaking into a dinner party at the prince's castle and killing some of his dinner guests and trying to blow the whole place up!!!! Since he is so cool, the prince saves the day before everyone explodes!! When the prince learns that the terrorists may be involved with a wealthy arms dealer who is trying to sell deadly chemical weapons- he has to go shoot people! The only really awesome thing which happens in this movie is when the woman with one eye holds a gun to the prince's head and says, "make love to me or I will kill you," that rocks and the prince does it of course because he is a real man!!! Pretty generic action/spy film which is probably best suited for really bad hangover days when one has nothing better to do!!!!!!
Directed by Andrew V. Mclaglen